Yes he should tell his wife

[herenow]

In so many of the threads I have read on LS, the betrayed is not considered to be part of the affair. I don't get this concept. Some OW say that they are not part of the marriage and the BW is not part of the affair. How can that be?

 

Yes, the blame should be placed on the married cheater, but it's not possible to say that by having an affair with a MM or MW you are not enabling someone to cause harm to their spouse.

 

So many threads from OW ask: "should I tell the wife?" I don't think it's the place of the OW to tell, but I do think that the OW should make an effort to get the MM to tell his wife on his own. Instead there is the constant game of hiding the truth from the BW at all costs so that the affair can continue.

 

Wouldn't it be better for everyone if MM just went home and told the truth so that his wife could have the choice to stay married to a cheater or move on to find her own happiness? At least that way everyone has control of their of life.

 

For the MM who say they stay for they kids. Why do they get to make that choice? Maybe the BW would rather be apart and happy. You never know until you are honest. Some OW say that BW's use their children against the MM. I'm sure this happens, but I would think it's rare that a BW would use her kids so that she can stay married to a man who wants to be with another woman.

 

If a MM truly loves an OW, he owes it to her and his wife to be honest. To every OW that helps the MM hide the truth, you are just doing yourself a disservice. The best way to know for sure if he really loves you is for him to be honest with his wife.

[quankanne]

ah, but that's assuming that none of the parties involved is interested in playing games, because that's what it boils down to.

 

for the betrayed spouse and the lover, it's one of two things: They don't know about each other and think they're the only ones in the relationship with the adulter, or the lover knows about the spouse, but the spouse is still in the dark. Or the spouse knows about the lover, but chooses to turn a blind eye. It's a game because no one will make the move to shake the status quo for fear of being the one who loses out.

 

for the adulterer it's about having the best of both worlds, even if the marriage honestly is a dead or bad one. Because he/she really isn't interested in walking away … it's about being able to keep up the cheating and getting what he or she wants before receiving an ultimatum.

 

I'm with you that the one who is married but has the balls to string along a lover really should be the one who confronts the spouse so that the spouse can decide what to do about the marriage. It's not the lover's responsibility even though that's probably the one person who isn't uncomfortable with the idea of going public with the relationship ...

[OWoman]

If a MM truly loves an OW, he owes it to her and his wife to be honest. To every OW that helps the MM hide the truth, you are just doing yourself a disservice. The best way to know for sure if he really loves you is for him to be honest with his wife.

 

Some BW really don't want to know. My MM told his W that there was someone else, and she told him she did not believe him, that he was just saying that to try to get her to go back to MC.

[sarme]

I totally agree with this I had asked my man many times to tell his W during the A, because if he was really planning on leaving and the marriage was over and he was in love with someone else she needed to know. We faught about it many times. Eventually she found out the hard way by checking his emails which made it all worse, but I am glad it happend because it forced him to make a decision and stop dragging his feet.

 

In all honesty and seeing how she reacted I don't think that if he had told her it would have changed the outcome of things she was still willing to make it work even after reading all the things he had said to me in his emails and what had being going on between us for so many months.

[GreenEyedLady]

If a MM truly loves an OW, he owes it to her and his wife to be honest. To every OW that helps the MM hide the truth, you are just doing yourself a disservice. The best way to know for sure if he really loves you is for him to be honest with his wife.

 

I really disagree with this...Telling the W immediately turns it into a competition, whether she really wants to stay M or not...It also turns the D to a very adversarial tone...It puts the W in the place of having the power to destroy her H's R with his children in order to paint her as being the "better" person...

 

The best way for you to know he loves you, is whether he will let the hurt continue indefinitely...Making the choice either way, (to stay with the W or leave for the OW) is really the final act of love...

 

GEL

[herenow]

I really disagree with this...Telling the W immediately turns it into a competition, whether she really wants to stay M or not...It also turns the D to a very adversarial tone...It puts the W in the place of having the power to destroy her H's R with his children in order to paint her as being the "better" person...

 

The best way for you to know he loves you, is whether he will let the hurt continue indefinitely...Making the choice either way, (to stay with the W or leave for the OW) is really the final act of love...

 

GEL

 

and when do you suggest the wife finds out?

[Mustang Sally]

Wouldn't it be better for everyone if MM just went home and told the truth so that his wife could have the choice to stay married to a cheater or move on to find her own happiness? At least that way everyone has control of their of life.

Clearly.

However, rarely do such noble aspirations arise from such ignoble situations.

For the MM who say they stay for they kids. Why do they get to make that choice?

I think sometimes, the MM's "staying for the kids" is just another manifestation of the selfishness that drove them to cheat in the first place. Meaning, they do not desire to put themselves through the discomfort of being distanced from their children - whom I believe most, if not all, of them really do truly love.

 

And then, frequently, they are just trying to avoid more upheaval of the family unit. They fool themselves into believing that the remains of the M that they and the BS must continue with will be better than separate lives of the parents for the children. I certainly don't believe that this is unequivocally the best answer in all scenarios, but unfortunately, it is pretty difficult to know what alternative actually will provide the best outcome, without the benefit of hindsight.

 

Maybe the BW would rather be apart and happy. You never know until you are honest.

A very good point.

[herenow]

I really disagree with this...Telling the W immediately turns it into a competition, whether she really wants to stay M or not...It also turns the D to a very adversarial tone...It puts the W in the place of having the power to destroy her H's R with his children in order to paint her as being the "better" person...

 

The best way for you to know he loves you, is whether he will let the hurt continue indefinitely...Making the choice either way, (to stay with the W or leave for the OW) is really the final act of love...

 

GEL

 

also,

 

When he makes that choice you mentioned, will he do it without letting his wife know? I would think the only choice he could make without his wife knowing would be to stay married. Is that proving love for the OW?

 

Also, I don't know any mother that would choose to destroy her H by using, and at the same time destroying, her kids. I don't think that's the norm. Just me I guess.

[herenow]

I think sometimes, the MM's "staying for the kids" is just another manifestation of the selfishness that drove them to cheat in the first place. Meaning, they do not desire to put themselves through the discomfort of being distanced from their children - whom I believe most, if not all, of them really do truly love.

 

And then, frequently, they are just trying to avoid more upheaval of the family unit. They fool themselves into believing that the remains of the M that they and the BS must continue with will be better than separate lives of the parents for the children. I certainly don't believe that this is unequivocally the best answer in all scenarios, but unfortunately, it is pretty difficult to know what alternative actually will provide the best outcome, without the benefit of hindsight.

 

I actually don't buy the staying or the kids bit at all. With the divorce rate as high as it is, we know that people with kids get divorced all the time. I think MM who cheat use it as an excuse because it makes it look like they are being a good guy. I think they just want to have it all.

[Moose]

Yes, the blame should be placed on the married cheater

I'm not sure I agree with this statement. The, "deed" of cheating should be put on the cheater, but the motivation is usually blood on the BS's hands.....usually.

[herenow]

I'm not sure I agree with this statement. The, "deed" of cheating should be put on the cheater, but the motivation is usually blood on the BS's hands.....usually.

 

OK, I'm listening, please explain how a BS is responsible for his or her spouse cheating.

[Moose]

OK, I'm listening, please explain how a BS is responsible for his or her spouse cheating.

I can't tell you how many times I've been tempted myself because of my wife's low libido.

 

That's just one area from the hip.....

[herenow]

I can't tell you how many times I've been tempted myself because of my wife's low libido.

 

That's just one area from the hip.....

 

I'm sure you have talked to your wife and let her know how you feel. When you had that conversation with her did you tell her that you were thinking about having sex with an OW?

[Moose]

When you had that conversation with her did you tell her that you were thinking about having sex with an OW?

That, among other things like accusing her of cheating because she sure wasn't getting any from me......

 

Let's say for the sake of the arguement that had I gone through with being unfaithful, and the OW calls to tell my wife, how would that make my wife feel?

 

Hatred for me yes, but then add how would she feel knowing that I was disappointed enough in her to drive me to it....

 

Infidelity is a no win for all involved.

[silktricks]

The difference though is you are TEMPTED - not you are cheating.

 

The person who makes the choice to cheat is the only person truly who can be blamed for the cheating.

 

Yes, the OP enables the cheater. But it's enabling, not causing. The cheater is the one who chose to cheat. Regardless of what form the OP was - whether the pursuer or pursuee - it still boils down to the cheater who made the choice.

 

Yes, the BS almost always has done things that at least helped create a rift in the marriage, but the BS didn't force the MP to cheat. The MP could have dealt with the situation in a mature fashion. Instead they chose to be devious and underhanded. Their choice.

[herenow]

That, among other things like accusing her of cheating because she sure wasn't getting any from me......

 

Let's say for the sake of the arguement that had I gone through with being unfaithful, and the OW calls to tell my wife, how would that make my wife feel?

 

Hatred for me yes, but then add how would she feel knowing that I was disappointed enough in her to drive me to it....

 

Infidelity is a no win for all involved.

 

I agree. Make a choice to stay married and make it work or leave and move on.

 

If you did cheat, it would be your choice. It's not fair to shift the blame to your wife unless she told you to go have sex with an OW. Even then, it's still your decision to make.

[Moose]

The difference though is you are TEMPTED - not you are cheating.

 

The person who makes the choice to cheat is the only person truly who can be blamed for the cheating.

 

Yes, the OP enables the cheater. But it's enabling, not causing. The cheater is the one who chose to cheat. Regardless of what form the OP was - whether the pursuer or pursuee - it still boils down to the cheater who made the choice.

 

Yes, the BS almost always has done things that at least helped create a rift in the marriage, but the BS didn't force the MP to cheat. The MP could have dealt with the situation in a mature fashion. Instead they chose to be devious and underhanded. Their choice.

Being tempted is just as harmful as the act in itself in my mind.

 

It's selfishness onboth parties that usually drives people into infidelity....

[herenow]

Being tempted is just as harmful as the act in itself in my mind.

 

It's selfishness onboth parties that usually drives people into infidelity....

 

I'm confused. I thought you said the blood was on the hands of the BS.

 

I do agree that there are two partners in a marriage and both hold the responsibility of keeping it healthy.

[Moose]

I'm confused. I thought you said the blood was on the hands of the BS.

If you re-read it, I said the deed is on the cheater, the motivation, (or lack thereof), is usually on the BS's hands.

 

Both are usually at fault to some degree.

[herenow]

If you re-read it, I said the deed is on the cheater, the motivation, (or lack thereof), is usually on the BS's hands.

 

Both are usually at fault to some degree.

 

See above edit to my post

 

I still don't think you can blame cheating on the BS. The BS does have his or her own responsibility to keep the marriage healthy, but is not the cause of the infidelity.

Edited January 7, 2008 by herenow

[Moose]

I still don't think you can blame cheating on the BS. The BS does have his or her own responsibility to keep the marriage healthy, but is not the cause of the infidelity.

I'm just going to throw this out there.....are you by chance a BS?

 

I mean no offense at all, but if you are there could be a little bias in your opinion....

[herenow]

I'm just going to throw this out there.....are you by chance a BS?

 

I mean no offense at all, but if you are there could be a little bias in your opinion....

 

No offense taken. Yes, I am a BS. There was a time that I did blame myself, and it was my H that insisted he was the only one to blame for what he had done. He has never blamed me or the OW. He takes 100% responsibility for his actions.

[Moose]

No offense taken. Yes, I am a BS. There was a time that I did blame myself, and it was my H that insisted he was the only one to blame for what he had done. He has never blamed me or the OW. He takes 100% responsibility for his actions.

Ok, I understand. Thanks!

[herenow]

Ok, I understand. Thanks!

 

 

I think you and I both agree that it takes two to make a marriage work. I just think it sounds like justification for an affair when someone says that they blame the BS for adultery. It's an adult choice made by one of the two people in a partnership in most cases without the other persons knowledge. The person that made that choice is the one to blame. IMO.

 

The fact that I'm a BS has not been a factor in my opinion.

[Moose]

I just think it sounds like justification for an affair when someone says that they blame the BS for adultery.

I don't see how. Simply because, again, I'm not placing total blame on the BS. I firmly believe it's 50/50, that is unless there's a mental problem somewhere.....

 

I would be the first person, (just like you where), to blame myself for neglecting my wife, (in whatever area) if she ever cheated.