Yes he should tell his wife

[herenow]

I don't see how. Simply because, again, I'm not placing total blame on the BS. I firmly believe it's 50/50, that is unless there's a mental problem somewhere.....

 

I would be the first person, (just like you where), to blame myself for neglecting my wife, (in whatever area) if she ever cheated.

 

Because unless everyone involved is completely aware of what is going on, you can't blame everyone. How can you blame someone that isn't even aware of the real truth?

 

That is the point of this thread. Tell the truth, then at least everyone involved is in control of their own choices made with the knowledge of the truth. Trust me, most BS don't want to be married to someone that wants to have sex with other people. But, they can't make the choice if they don't have that little tidbit of information.

[herenow]

I don't see how. Simply because, again, I'm not placing total blame on the BS. I firmly believe it's 50/50, that is unless there's a mental problem somewhere.....

 

I would be the first person, (just like you where), to blame myself for neglecting my wife, (in whatever area) if she ever cheated.

 

I agree the marriage is 50/50. Again, unless the BS was part of the decision for his or her spouse to cheat, the BS can't be blamed for that choice.

[Moose]

I agree the marriage is 50/50.

Marriage is 100/100. The destruction of a marriage is 50/50.

Again, unless the BS was part of the decision for his or her spouse to cheat, the BS can't be blamed for that choice.

I don't agree. You'll just have to live with that.

[herenow]

Marriage is 100/100. The destruction of a marriage is 50/50.I don't agree. You'll just have to live with that.

 

 

I have no problem with the fact that you don't agree. I'm always open to hearing other opinions, so thank you for sharing.

[Moose]

I have no problem with the fact that you don't agree. I'm always open to hearing other opinions, so thank you for sharing.

You bet, back at ya!

 

(How refreshing it is to have an intelligent conversation without the arguements! ahhhhhhh!)

[Havn_a_life]

I really disagree with this...Telling the W immediately turns it into a competition, whether she really wants to stay M or not...It also turns the D to a very adversarial tone...It puts the W in the place of having the power to destroy her H's R with his children in order to paint her as being the "better" person...

 

The best way for you to know he loves you, is whether he will let the hurt continue indefinitely...Making the choice either way, (to stay with the W or leave for the OW) is really the final act of love...

 

GEL

 

Well, I doubt all BWs who D their Hs are like what you just painted.

 

I can tell you quite a few will gladly hand over a lying POS H to the OW just so she can watch them screw each other's lives up, as she happily moves on.

LOL

Revenge, and she didn't have to do a thing but let the OW have him.

[Havn_a_life]

I can't tell you how many times I've been tempted myself because of my wife's low libido.

 

That's just one area from the hip.....

 

How sad for your W.

She's not as horny as you, so therefore not as worthy to be around.

[nadiaj2727]

Well, I doubt all BWs who D their Hs are like what you just painted.

 

I can tell you quite a few will gladly hand over a lying POS H to the OW just so she can watch them screw each other's lives up, as she happily moves on.

LOL

Revenge, and she didn't have to do a thing but let the OW have him.

 

 

I agree... and in my opinion it is the husband who chose to ruin his relationship with his children by messing around on their mother. How dare someone accuse the mother of that, simply because she wants to bring the god-awful truth into the light instead of letting them have their dirty little secret in the dark. I hate when people shift the blame everywhere but where it belongs. Own your actions people: you have an affair, your children might think less of you, because it's the wrong choice to make, plain and simple, no excuses, geez.

[Lizzie60]

So many threads from OW ask: "should I tell the wife?" I don't think it's the place of the OW to tell, but I do think that the OW should make an effort to get the MM to tell his wife on his own. Instead there is the constant game of hiding the truth from the BW at all costs so that the affair can continue.

 

I totally disagree... In my case, the BWs are happy...they have absolutely no clue that their H are cheating... why would the H or myself make their life miserable?

 

 

Wouldn't it be better for everyone if MM just went home and told the truth so that his wife could have the choice to stay married to a cheater or move on to find her own happiness? At least that way everyone has control of their of life.

 

This makes no sense to me.. Most Ws want to remain married for the sake of the kids and/or their comfortable life.. Her own happiness is WITH her H and her kids...

 

That's why most W take their cheating H back after the D-day...but then live in a miserable, jealous, sad life afterwards...

 

What the W doesn't know doesn't hurt her.. period.

[GreenEyedLady]

When he makes that choice you mentioned, will he do it without letting his wife know? I would think the only choice he could make without his wife knowing would be to stay married. Is that proving love for the OW?

 

Not everyone tells their W when leaving that they are leaving for another woman...

 

And I do believe that making that choice is proving love for the OW...Some men can't leave...It is the same as the OW showing her love by letting him go...It is pure selfishness to continue to hurt someone when you can't give them what they need...

[GreenEyedLady]

and when do you suggest the wife finds out?

 

Maybe she should never know...Maybe it is best that she remembers her M as she lived it, on her terms...Without it being rewritten for her and her memories marred forever...

[Can'tGiveUp]

How sad for your W.

She's not as horny as you, so therefore not as worthy to be around.

 

That is not what he said. And since he has not had an A, he has shown that he believes in her worth to make the effort and maintain the M.

 

I agree... and in my opinion it is the husband who chose to ruin his relationship with his children by messing around on their mother. How dare someone accuse the mother of that, simply because she wants to bring the god-awful truth into the light instead of letting them have their dirty little secret in the dark. I hate when people shift the blame everywhere but where it belongs. Own your actions people: you have an affair, your children might think less of you, because it's the wrong choice to make, plain and simple, no excuses, geez.

 

The H chose to ruin his R with his W. Or more likely, had an A as a result of the poor R with his W. Informing children of the affair is treating them more like a weapon than the blessings that they are. Both parents should be focused on helping their children through the end of the M and not destroying more of the family dynamic.

 

Maybe she should never know...Maybe it is best that she remembers her M as she lived it, on her terms...Without it being rewritten for her and her memories marred forever...

 

I totally agree with this. I also believe that an A is a symptom of problems in the M and not the cause of them.

[White Flower]

I'm just curious Herenow, what was your first clue or set of clues to your H's A? And did you drop hints or ask him a lot of questions before finally confronting him?

 

Or, did he inform you?

[OWoman]

I agree... and in my opinion it is the husband who chose to ruin his relationship with his children by messing around on their mother.

 

 

My father's A with his OW made it possible for him to have a R with his kids at all, so in that his A IMPROVED his R with his kids.

 

My A with MM has made him more accessible to his kids, too - both directly and indirectly.

 

So there's no way of predicting what effect an A will have on a MM's relationship with his kids. The A, as CGU rightly pointed out, is the MM choosing to ruin his R with his W, not with his kids.

[OpenBook]

In so many of the threads I have read on LS, the betrayed is not considered to be part of the affair. I don't get this concept. Some OW say that they are not part of the marriage and the BW is not part of the affair. How can that be?

 

This stance surprises me. Haven't you always maintained here on LS that the OW is irrelevant to the M? If so, why the change of heart?

 

For the MM who say they stay for they kids. Why do they get to make that choice?

 

Simple answer: because they CAN.

 

If a MM truly loves an OW, he owes it to her and his wife to be honest.

 

That sounds great... but the reality is quite different. The man will play it in the way that brings the least damage to himself. "Owing" anything to either woman is not high on his priority list. And if you can force a man to start thinking this way, then more power to ya.

 

Wouldn't it be better for everyone if MM just went home and told the truth so that his wife could have the choice to stay married to a cheater or move on to find her own happiness? At least that way everyone has control of their of life.

 

It would certainly be better for the W. But I think the MM's current behavior is a pretty blatant indicator that he is NOT thinking about what would be better for the W. If the MM went home and told the truth, he would be giving up his "edge" (control over the situation) to his W. And I know of no men who would consciously do that, or even dream of it.

[herenow]

This stance surprises me. Haven't you always maintained here on LS that the OW is irrelevant to the M? If so, why the change of heart?

 

 

OpenBook, I assume that your are smarter than this and you are just trying to make me look like I'm contradicting myself, but I will answer this anyway.

 

Yes, I do believe that the OW has no place and is totally irrelevant when two people decide post affair to work on their marriage. OW always say that the blame should be placed on the MM and not the OW, so I would think that we agree on this point. I think it's counterproductive to make the OW the focus of reconciliation. All focus at that point should be on the two people who are married to each other. I think that they two of them, without any involvement from the OW, need to fix the problems at the core of their own relationship. Therefor, the OW is completely irrelevant.

 

This thread is about people who are actively participating in an affair. The fact that one of the people involved in the relationship (the betrayed), is unaware of what is happening, makes it impossible for there to be any resolution to the situation. If an OW is perfectly happy with the way things are, then great, it's your life.

 

All I'm saying is that if the MM really does love you and really has no love for his wife, you are both doing everyone a disservice by living the lie. The truth allows the two people in love (OW and MM) the freedom to experience that love openly. At the same time it gives the BW the truth about what is happening in her world and the ability to make choices based on that truth.

 

If you don't agree, no problem.

[herenow]

I'm just curious Herenow, what was your first clue or set of clues to your H's A? And did you drop hints or ask him a lot of questions before finally confronting him?

 

Or, did he inform you?

 

I had no clue until he wasn't where he said he would be when I needed him. I asked him where he was and he told me the truth.

 

He has since told me that he felt relieved when D-day arrived. It was getting extremely stressful and the OW was putting too much pressure on him to get more involved. In reality it was her wanting more that eventually got him caught.

[Havn_a_life]

So many threads from OW ask: "should I tell the wife?" I don't think it's the place of the OW to tell, but I do think that the OW should make an effort to get the MM to tell his wife on his own. Instead there is the constant game of hiding the truth from the BW at all costs so that the affair can continue.

 

I totally disagree...#1 In my case, the BWs are happy...they have absolutely no clue that their H are cheating... why would the H or myself make their life miserable?

 

 

Wouldn't it be better for everyone if MM just went home and told the truth so that his wife could have the choice to stay married to a cheater or move on to find her own happiness? At least that way everyone has control of their of life.

 

#2This makes no sense to me.. Most Ws want to remain married for the sake of the kids and/or their comfortable life.. Her own happiness is WITH her H and her kids...

 

That's why most W take their cheating H back after the D-day...but then live in a miserable, jealous, sad life afterwards...

 

What the W doesn't know doesn't hurt her.. period.

 

Well, considering how many lives you're messing with right now, I'd hate for them all to be told at the same time. You'd most likely end up in a ditch somewhere, and speaking of those MMs...

 

What kind of man would he be, let alone a M, who knowingly(I assume)sleeps with a woman whom he knows has several other "Johns".

 

Good luck with that.

[Havn_a_life]

That is not what he said. And since he has not had an A, he has shown that he believes in her worth to make the effort and maintain the M.

 

 

 

The H chose to ruin his R with his W. Or more likely, had an A as a result of the poor R with his W. Informing children of the affair is treating them more like a weapon than the blessings that they are. Both parents should be focused on helping their children through the end of the M and not destroying more of the family dynamic.

 

 

 

I totally agree with this. I also believe that an A is a symptom of problems in the M and not the cause of them.

 

I would be disappointed in him as a H if he even came on here(like he did) and comment like that, even if he didn't cheat on her.

[Havn_a_life]

My father's A with his OW made it possible for him to have a R with his kids at all, so in that his A IMPROVED his R with his kids.

 

My A with MM has made him more accessible to his kids, too - both directly and indirectly.

 

So there's no way of predicting what effect an A will have on a MM's relationship with his kids. The A, as CGU rightly pointed out, is the MM choosing to ruin his R with his W, not with his kids.

 

And does his kids know about you? Their mother know about you? Is he D from his W?

[Havn_a_life]

That sounds great... but the reality is quite different. The man will play it in the way that brings the least damage to himself. "Owing" anything to either woman is not high on his priority list. And if you can force a man to start thinking this way, then more power to ya.

It would certainly be better for the W. But I think the MM's current behavior is a pretty blatant indicator that he is NOT thinking about what would be better for the W. If the MM went home and told the truth, he would be giving up his "edge" (control over the situation) to his W. And I know of no men who would consciously do that, or even dream of it.

 

Yeah, that pretty much makes that kind of man a loser.

[underpants]

Well, considering how many lives you're messing with right now, I'd hate for them all to be told at the same time. You'd most likely end up in a ditch somewhere, and speaking of those MMs...

 

Actually, I wonder if all of that wreckless activity isn't a passive 4th attempt.

 

I hope I'm wrong, but something tells me I'm not...all that wrong.

[Havn_a_life]

I had no clue until he wasn't where he said he would be when I needed him. I asked him where he was and he told me the truth.

 

He has since told me that he felt relieved when D-day arrived. It was getting extremely stressful and the OW was putting too much pressure on him to get more involved. In reality it was her wanting more that eventually got him caught.

 

Kind of the same thing in my H's situation.

The OW was making calls to our home tattling about the A, to which he got tired of the secrecy and came clean, resulting in his A ending.

 

My H was bored with the whole A thing and keeping it secret knew he couldn't hide it, especially since someone was calling our home telling me (and my children whom one of answered the phone each time)about the A.

 

My H explained to me that he hadn't seen her at her home for several weeks (only at the workplace they both were employed at)and felt she was getting desperate for his either leaving me for her or just me finding out and hopefully (in her case) kicking him out.

[Havn_a_life]

Actually, I wonder if all of that wreckless activity isn't a passive 4th attempt.

 

I hope I'm wrong, but something tells me I'm not...all that wrong.

 

What do you mean? Explain...

[jj2007]

 

What the W doesn't know doesn't hurt her.. period.

 

I call BS on this one. My H gave me HPV. Had I not found out about the affair and went to get tested for STD's I would have never known I had it and it could have killed me if I never did anything about it. What the W doesn't know CAN hurt her. Even KILL her. Period.