Yes he should tell his wife

[OWoman]

I'm seeing you are referring to MM in the present tense and he's still a M man.

Obviously, W's ploys are working or MM would leave her for you.

 

I would be hesitant to judge the woman, since she seems to have some sway over her H.

I would wonder just how much he really loved you, if he's still swayed by her.

Don't know your story, so don't know if he left W for you.

 

He has left his W. He is not yet divorced as that takes a long time in his country. Hence he's still M, hence still a MM. His W is still legally his W although they no longer live as such.

[Mino]

It really must suck when the MM they are having an A with doesn't think they're worth coughing up that much money just to get out of the "awful" M to be with the real woman that he (MM) loves.

 

That would really burn my breeches!

Why? I dont want to pay her that kind of money. Why should I? Me go to work while she sit on her AZZ , not!

[jj2007]

A whore is someone who gets payed ($$) to have sex. just thought I would define the word for you.

 

I know what a whore is.

I don't need a definition thankyou.

You don't have to get money to be a whore.

 

That would be a prostitute.

[jj2007]

And that's the really sad thing. That woman is 'spreading" her lifestyle to anyone she can.

I feel for her H and kids too. They don't deserve to have trash like that in their lives, no more than your kids and yourself deserved it, jj.

 

Thanks, I know we didn't and now my H does too.

[jj2007]

I would be SO UTTERLY offended if my husband did me in for a drug whore I could never EVER touch him again. Yuck!

 

Well, I would be SO UTTERLY offended if I was dating a guy and he told me he was married and still wanted me on the side that I would probably punch him in the nose and move on with my life!

 

So, to each their own.

[reboot]

Well, I would be SO UTTERLY offended if I was dating a guy and he told me he was married and still wanted me on the side that I would probably punch him in the nose and move on with my life!

 

So, to each their own.

Touche`

[Havn_a_life]

Why? I dont want to pay her that kind of money. Why should I? Me go to work while she sit on her AZZ , not!

 

LOL so you'd rather be the "freebie" side piece instead of having your man legally even though you'd really be supporting him while he's supporting the family he left for you?

 

Tsk! Tsk! I thought it wasn't about the money, getting your man and all?

[Havn_a_life]

Thanks, I know we didn't and now my H does too.

 

That's what counts most of all.

[Havn_a_life]

Well, I would be SO UTTERLY offended if I was dating a guy and he told me he was married and still wanted me on the side that I would probably punch him in the nose and move on with my life!

 

So, to each their own.

 

Ain't that the living truth?

[OWoman]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarme

I would be SO UTTERLY offended if my husband did me in for a drug whore I could never EVER touch him again. Yuck!

 

 

 

Well, I would be SO UTTERLY offended if I was dating a guy and he told me he was married and still wanted me on the side that I would probably punch him in the nose and move on with my life!

 

So, to each their own.

 

Here we have it in a nutshell: the difference between OW and BW.

 

OW sleep with men who are also sleeping with middle class suburban wives.

BW sleep with men who are also sleeping with "drug whores".

 

:p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p

 

(If anyone missed it, that was a JOKE... I'm OW and I'm far from a "drug whore"! But this OW vs BW thing is so stale now even the breadmould has gotten bored. I certainly hope some of these posters are not like this IRL - if I were their Hs or their SOs I'd be desperate for an OP if only for some conversational variety!!!!)

[Havn_a_life]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarme

I would be SO UTTERLY offended if my husband did me in for a drug whore I could never EVER touch him again. Yuck!

 

 

 

 

 

Here we have it in a nutshell: the difference between OW and BW.

 

OW sleep with men who are also sleeping with middle class suburban wives.

BW sleep with men who are also sleeping with "drug whores".

 

:p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p

 

(If anyone missed it, that was a JOKE... I'm OW and I'm far from a "drug whore"! But this OW vs BW thing is so stale now even the breadmould has gotten bored. I certainly hope some of these posters are not like this IRL - if I were their Hs or their SOs I'd be desperate for an OP if only for some conversational variety!!!!)

 

Well, what opinion is a BW supposed to have of all the OW who are having sex with MM?

Warm fuzzy thoughts? Doubt it!

[herenow]

Well, what opinion is a BW supposed to have of all the OW who are having sex with MM?

Warm fuzzy thoughts? Doubt it!

 

It's so interesting to me that "some" (meaning not all) OW are so upset when they find out that the MM lied to them, but they have no problem with the MM lying to his wife. If an OW wants the MM be truthful to her, why shouldn't the wife get the truth as well? Even if the MM loves the OW and no longer loves his wife, she is after all married to the guy, why keep her in the dark?

 

For the person that said it's kinder to just let the wife have false memories, I say that's down right cruel and selfish. Deceit is not compassionate in any way. The whole idea of saying what a person doesn't know won't hurt them is a way for the person who is doing wrong to escape the consequences of their own actions. It's such a shame that some people put themselves so much above others that they really think they can get away with anything as long as they don't get caught.

 

It take all kinds to make the world go round. That's life. Every individual has to see their own reflection in the mirror and to each his own as to what they choose to see.

[frannie]

It's so interesting to me that "some" (meaning not all) OW are so upset when they find out that the MM lied to them, but they have no problem with the MM lying to his wife. If an OW wants the MM be truthful to her, why shouldn't the wife get the truth as well? Even if the MM loves the OW and no longer loves his wife, she is after all married to the guy, why keep her in the dark?

 

I can't speak for all OW of course, and in no way did I think it was OK for him to lie to his W. But, this is my opinion on what you write here:

 

I don't think it's so much that it's seen as OK to lie to his W, but a necessity for the affair that she should be lied to or if not actually lied to, lied to by omission (which more or less amounts to the same thing in many respects).

 

Now I'm not saying that is right at all (see above!), but it is at least understandable that a man could end up lying to his W 'because of circumstances' (I'm trying to be careful here not to upset anyone or make it sound like I think it's OK). So say for example a man is in a poor relationship with his W but for one reason or other feels he can't leave: this isn't a situation he wanted, and it's one he thinks or feels he can't fix... so he ends up lying. Plus there is the added feeling that the 'relationship' (if not the marriage) is 'over' and on its way out and so where is the harm (once again not condoning, just explaining)?

 

But to actually go into a relationship lying, in order to get what he wants? Where is the excuse there? Where is the difficult situation, where is the torn heart, the children who need both parents, blah blah whatever 'reasons' he has to lie to his W look almost acceptable by the side of lying to get his leg over.

 

Why would a MM lie to an OW? Only for a few, utterly, no-excuse, absolutely selfish reasons which have no redeeming features at all from the OW point of view and cannot be excused because of 'the children' or torn loyalties or any of that business. Of course the BS isn't going to agree with any of that, because from her point of view the lying piece of brown stuff is lying for all the wrong reasons anyway.

 

And to answer your last question, the Wife absolutely HAS to be in the dark or there is no affair. The OW does not HAVE to be in the dark.

[Owl]

But to actually go into a relationship lying, in order to get what he wants? Where is the excuse there? Where is the difficult situation, where is the torn heart, the children who need both parents, blah blah whatever 'reasons' he has to lie to his W look almost acceptable by the side of lying to get his leg over.

 

He has to lie to the OW to begin with. He has to paint his marriage in as bleak a light as possible, or he has no chance with OW at any point. AND HE KNOWS THIS... If he said "well, my marriage is ok...but I want you"...it shoots himself in the foot with most women. (not all...as we've seen here...but most women wouldn't want him under those circumstances)

 

He might well immediately start lying to himself too. I've mentioned that "re-writing marital history" a couple of times. I've seen it happen first hand. Its how he mentally justifies his affair TO HIMSELF.

 

And as the affair goes on, he perfects his lying techniques, by lying to his spouse. And to himself. He gets good at it. His skills for self-deception also become top notch.

 

The BS's really see this happen as the whole situation unfolds and they get more and more information and see what's gone on during the affair. They see these changes and skills develop first-hand. That's why you see so many BS's here questioning why the OP don't see it as well.

[herenow]

I can't speak for all OW of course, and in no way did I think it was OK for him to lie to his W. But, this is my opinion on what you write here:

 

I don't think it's so much that it's seen as OK to lie to his W, but a necessity for the affair that she should be lied to or if not actually lied to, lied to by omission (which more or less amounts to the same thing in many respects).

 

Now I'm not saying that is right at all (see above!), but it is at least understandable that a man could end up lying to his W 'because of circumstances' (I'm trying to be careful here not to upset anyone or make it sound like I think it's OK). So say for example a man is in a poor relationship with his W but for one reason or other feels he can't leave: this isn't a situation he wanted, and it's one he thinks or feels he can't fix... so he ends up lying. Plus there is the added feeling that the 'relationship' (if not the marriage) is 'over' and on its way out and so where is the harm (once again not condoning, just explaining)?

 

But to actually go into a relationship lying, in order to get what he wants? Where is the excuse there? Where is the difficult situation, where is the torn heart, the children who need both parents, blah blah whatever 'reasons' he has to lie to his W look almost acceptable by the side of lying to get his leg over.

 

Why would a MM lie to an OW? Only for a few, utterly, no-excuse, absolutely selfish reasons which have no redeeming features at all from the OW point of view and cannot be excused because of 'the children' or torn loyalties or any of that business. Of course the BS isn't going to agree with any of that, because from her point of view the lying piece of brown stuff is lying for all the wrong reasons anyway.

 

And to answer your last question, the Wife absolutely HAS to be in the dark or there is no affair. The OW does not HAVE to be in the dark.

 

I see your point, but if a MM really does love an OW and wants to be with her, doesn't he own it to everyone involved to come clean? If he no longer loves his wife, doesn't he at least like her enough to allow her to eventually find someone who does love her and wants to be with her? In my opinion the MM who stays married and continues an affair doesn't love either woman. I do believe that if a MM really loves an OW, he should do what it takes to be with her. JMO.

[herenow]

The BS's really see this happen as the whole situation unfolds and they get more and more information and see what's gone on during the affair. They see these changes and skills develop first-hand. That's why you see so many BS's here questioning why the OP don't see it as well.

 

 

This is so true. In hindsight, the signs were there, I just didn't know at the time what I was seeing. This is also why you will hear so many BS's say that they will know if it ever happens again. What's the saying? Fool me once...

[frannie]

I see your point, but if a MM really does love an OW and wants to be with her, doesn't he own it to everyone involved to come clean? If he no longer loves his wife, doesn't he at least like her enough to allow her to eventually find someone who does love her and wants to be with her? In my opinion the MM who stays married and continues an affair doesn't love either woman. I do believe that if a MM really loves an OW, he should do what it takes to be with her. JMO.

 

Does he owe it to everyone else to come clean? I don't know. I would say yes it would be the right thing for him to do, for everyone. That is one of the reasons I broke off the affair with MM. Something he said about something his W had said made me realise, she was not happy with how things were, and that really affected me. Up until then I'd thought well perhaps she just doesn't care, but knowing she wanted him home more, and I wanted him here more... and he wasn't making anyone happy... it wasn't the final final straw, but pretty close.

 

(of course I'm not a mother, and I never have to even consider the best interests of my children let alone whether I want to leave the place they live, so it's easy for me to say leaving would be 'best for everyone'. I think it's up to parents to make that decision, not other people).

 

But does someone owe it to other people to do what's best for them all? I don't know. I think I'd find it hard to argue that far.

 

Your last comment/question is one that again has to be personal preference. I don't think that romantic love trumps parental responsibility, but then I do think that leaving the marital home is not necessarily detrimental to children's well being. However, as I say, that's not a choice I'll ever have to make, thankfully.

 

Personally, I made the decision that unless MM could get himself mentally into a place where he could leave, and take responsibility for that, and be a good father and NOT be married to their mother, then I was no longer interested in a relationship with him. However, I wouldn't dream of saying that meant anything about him other than he had different priorities than perhaps other men have have who have actually mananged to leave. Different priorities or just on a different stage of the process of detaching, I don't know.

[Havn_a_life]

It's so interesting to me that "some" (meaning not all) OW are so upset when they find out that the MM lied to them, but they have no problem with the MM lying to his wife. If an OW wants the MM be truthful to her, why shouldn't the wife get the truth as well? Even if the MM loves the OW and no longer loves his wife, she is after all married to the guy, why keep her in the dark?

 

For the person that said it's kinder to just let the wife have false memories, I say that's down right cruel and selfish. Deceit is not compassionate in any way. The whole idea of saying what a person doesn't know won't hurt them is a way for the person who is doing wrong to escape the consequences of their own actions. It's such a shame that some people put themselves so much above others that they really think they can get away with anything as long as they don't get caught.

 

It take all kinds to make the world go round. That's life. Every individual has to see their own reflection in the mirror and to each his own as to what they choose to see.

 

That's exactly what it's about. No ifs, ands or buts.

[Havn_a_life]

I see your point, but if a MM really does love an OW and wants to be with her, doesn't he own it to everyone involved to come clean? If he no longer loves his wife, doesn't he at least like her enough to allow her to eventually find someone who does love her and wants to be with her? In my opinion the MM who stays married and continues an affair doesn't love either woman. I do believe that if a MM really loves an OW, he should do what it takes to be with her. JMO.

 

I think that if a MM wanted to be with the OW more than the BW, then he would.

He was able to get over the hurdle of having the A, so if he wanted to be with the OW permenantly, he would.

No clingy W, dependant kids or anything would deter him. They didn't deter him from having the A, did it?

 

How many times I have said n here and so have others, a man (M or S) is going to do what he wants to. Ultimately.

[Havn_a_life]

This is so true. In hindsight, the signs were there, I just didn't know at the time what I was seeing. This is also why you will hear so many BS's say that they will know if it ever happens again. What's the saying? Fool me once...

 

Yeah, cause once you've been cheated on as badly as I have (or yourself), then you never forget the signs, the symptoms.

[frannie]

I think that if a MM wanted to be with the OW more than the BW, then he would.

 

How many times I have said n here and so have others, a man (M or S) is going to do what he wants to. Ultimately.

 

The thing about affairs is... you don't have to choose.

 

I think that if you could magically take away house, financial issues, children, and what everyone else thinks, there would be NO question of whether the MM would be with W or OW in many cases.

 

It really IS those 'insignificant little details' like changing his entire life (sarcasm alert) that affect the outcome.

[herenow]

The thing about affairs is... you don't have to choose.

 

I think that if you could magically take away house, financial issues, children, and what everyone else thinks, there would be NO question of whether the MM would be with W or OW in many cases.

 

It really IS those 'insignificant little details' like changing his entire life (sarcasm alert) that affect the outcome.

 

If divorce is such a life destroying event, why do so many marriages end in divorce for whatever reason?

 

I know plenty of people wealthy and not, with and without children, that have gotten divorced and their life goes on. Why are MM that have affairs so different? Really I want to know.

 

If you say that some of the people who get divorced do so because of the affair, but no one knows the truth, that just proves the point that people do leave marriages when they fall in love with someone else. I think that's reality, so why so different for many of the OW here?

Edited January 10, 2008 by herenow

[Owl]

I think that if you could magically take away house, financial issues, children, and what everyone else thinks, there would be NO question of whether the MM would be with W or OW in many cases.

 

I think if you did that, what you would have would be a completely different society. One where men and women simply wandered around, and slept with whomever they wanted to (that was willing). Families wouldn't exist...women would very often be 'stuck' with raising a child (or several children) with no financial or emotional assistance from the father(s). I think that long term bonding of any kind would be a tremendous rarity. There would be no onus on anyone to actually CHOOSE anyone to be with.

 

Unless there were some drastic changes to the medical world, STD's would be at an astronomical rate compared to what they are now.

 

Given that jealousy and anger are definitely part of the human make-up (especially men), you'd see a much greater rate of violent crimes as a result of that.

 

I think you'd see a society made up of much more callous, self-centered, uncaring individuals, far more focused on what makes them feel good than on any concerns for anyone other than themselves.

 

Not where I'd like to live, personally.

[herenow]

To me the fact the the MM isn't willing to tell his wife the truth means two things. That he doesn't love either woman and the he has no intention of changing anything until one of the woman take action or he gets bored and moves on.

 

Before anyone says that my opinion means that my H didn't love me when he was having an affair, I will say that I already know that. He has even admitted that he wasn't exactly showing me any kind of love when he had his affair.

[herenow]

assistance from the father(s). There would be no onus on anyone to actually CHOOSE anyone to be with.

 

I think you'd see a society made up of much more callous, self-centered, uncaring individuals, far more focused on what makes them feel good than on any concerns for anyone other than themselves.

 

Not where I'd like to live, personally.

 

Isn't this some what of world we already live in? I think someone on this thread already said that when it comes to affairs, no one has to choose.

 

Actually I do have more faith in humanity and I would like to believe that most people do care about others and are able to make choices with how they effect others in mind.