Yes he should tell his wife

[Owl]

I think that if you could magically take away house, financial issues, children, and what everyone else thinks...

 

But that's exactly what we're talking about...taking away how your actions impact those around you. When no one cares about the results of their choices anymore...

[herenow]

But that's exactly what we're talking about...taking away how your actions impact those around you. When no one cares about the results of their choices anymore...

 

That's what this thread is about. Owning up to the truth and being compassionate enough about the betrayed to let them in on a secret that has great impact on their life as well. I guess after so many posts it's time for me to accept the fact that people who have affairs are not really interested in the truth as much as keeping the lie so that the affair can continue. I do find this to be people making choices without caring about the results.

 

It was foolish to think that the idea of honesty would be an option, but I'm home waiting for contractors this week, I'm bored and I don't like daytime TV, so here I am. Oh well.

Edited January 10, 2008 by herenow

[lost4ever]

I guess after so many posts it's time for me to accept the fact that people who have affairs are not really interested in the truth as much as keeping the lie so that the affair can continue.

 

This is true, but most OW don't see it this way. They don't think they are keeping the lie to hurt the BW, they think they are being nice and giving the MM time to "let her down, gently" Most men know this is how women will act, so they go along with it....and then when the OW is finally done with the game they don't want to tell, for fear of being the bitter women who wanted a man she couldn't have and got played for a fool, she is afraid the MM will make her out to be a crazy stalker and the wife will paint her as a lying whore that wanted her life so the lie is kept and the man is free to do it again, and the women are hurting.

[herenow]

I guess after so many posts it's time for me to accept the fact that people who have affairs are not really interested in the truth as much as keeping the lie so that the affair can continue.

 

This is true, but most OW don't see it this way. They don't think they are keeping the lie to hurt the BW, they think they are being nice and giving the MM time to "let her down, gently" Most men know this is how women will act, so they go along with it....and then when the OW is finally done with the game they don't want to tell, for fear of being the bitter women who wanted a man she couldn't have and got played for a fool, she is afraid the MM will make her out to be a crazy stalker and the wife will paint her as a lying whore that wanted her life so the lie is kept and the man is free to do it again, and the women are hurting.

 

I'm not sure if you are a OW or a BW or either, but I think this is the way some OW think that the BW thinks. After the initial anger and pain, most BW focus mainly on what their H has done and not so much on the OW.

Edited January 10, 2008 by herenow

[OWoman]

That's what this thread is about. Owning up to the truth and being compassionate enough about the betrayed to let them in on a secret that has great impact on their life as well. I guess after so many posts it's time for me to accept the fact that people who have affairs are not really interested in the truth as much as keeping the lie so that the affair can continue. I do find this to be people making choices without caring about the results.

 

I think all of our views and opinions reflect our own vested interests, however consciously or otherwise. I've found my own opinions on this have shifted over time. Back in the days when flings with MM were my thing, I'd not have given a second thought to the issue. The W finding out would have - as you say - crashed the A and I didn't want any MMs washing up on my doorstep. I wanted an A, not a R - and I dumped any MMs who dumped their wives and wanted an R with me.

 

But having shifted into another space with my MM where something more serious and longer term started happening, my view shifted, and the necessity of his W being told became obvious. Given the abusive M, MM was obviously very concerned about the timing and setting of telling her, and he was fully expecting her to attack him violently again so had his plan in place to ensure his, and the kids', physical safety. Only to have her not believe him.

 

Perhaps if their M hadn't started out as an A (he was her OM) and a pattern of honest communication established from the outset it might have been easier, but his W made it clear in the M (as she did with her colleagues, and elsewhere) that she's not interested in perspectives other than hers, that the only opinions she'll hear are her own, and that she'd rather nothing was said than anything that disagreed with what she proposed... so there's a culture of silence around her that even the kids observe (ever known teenagers not to know everything about something?). Honesty and openness doesn't really thrive in that kind of environment. (MM sure had a culture shock when he encountered me!)

 

I demand complete honesty, and I'd like to think that's how everyone SHOULD live, but it seems some people genuinely don't want to (or can't?) do that.

[bentnotbroken]

So he has a thing for OW. Hmmm that is interesting, gives rise to some new questions.

[herenow]

I think all of our views and opinions reflect our own vested interests, however consciously or otherwise. I've found my own opinions on this have shifted over time. Back in the days when flings with MM were my thing, I'd not have given a second thought to the issue. The W finding out would have - as you say - crashed the A and I didn't want any MMs washing up on my doorstep. I wanted an A, not a R - and I dumped any MMs who dumped their wives and wanted an R with me.

 

But having shifted into another space with my MM where something more serious and longer term started happening, my view shifted, and the necessity of his W being told became obvious. Given the abusive M, MM was obviously very concerned about the timing and setting of telling her, and he was fully expecting her to attack him violently again so had his plan in place to ensure his, and the kids', physical safety. Only to have her not believe him.

 

Perhaps if their M hadn't started out as an A (he was her OM) and a pattern of honest communication established from the outset it might have been easier, but his W made it clear in the M (as she did with her colleagues, and elsewhere) that she's not interested in perspectives other than hers, that the only opinions she'll hear are her own, and that she'd rather nothing was said than anything that disagreed with what she proposed... so there's a culture of silence around her that even the kids observe (ever known teenagers not to know everything about something?). Honesty and openness doesn't really thrive in that kind of environment. (MM sure had a culture shock when he encountered me!)

 

I demand complete honesty, and I'd like to think that's how everyone SHOULD live, but it seems some people genuinely don't want to (or can't?) do that.

 

I don't know much about your situation, but I do applaud your demand for honesty. I'm assuming that you either ended the affair or he has been honest with his wife, and is either with you now or still married.

 

As far as the MM, it seems like he had no problem dating a MW like he did his wife and then no problem cheating on her. He knew that he was getting married to a woman who cheated with him, so the state of the marriage should be no surprise. I see this as proof that a relationship that starts as a lie continues in the same destructive direction. Based on this post it looks like you agree.

[bish]

I'm not sure I agree with this statement. The, "deed" of cheating should be put on the cheater, but the motivation is usually blood on the BS's hands.....usually.

 

meaning what exactly?

[bish]

I can't tell you how many times I've been tempted myself because of my wife's low libido.

 

That's just one area from the hip.....

 

Maybe you should be asking why your wife has a low libido.

[bish]

That, among other things like accusing her of cheating because she sure wasn't getting any from me......

 

Let's say for the sake of the arguement that had I gone through with being unfaithful, and the OW calls to tell my wife, how would that make my wife feel?

 

Hatred for me yes, but then add how would she feel knowing that I was disappointed enough in her to drive me to it....

 

Infidelity is a no win for all involved.

 

Well then if you ever felt the need to cheat....why don't you just divorce?

[Moose]

meaning what exactly?

Just what it says....I don't see what's so hard to understand about that statement?

[Moose]

Maybe you should be asking why your wife has a low libido.

No kidding? Wish I would've thought of that!

 

Just what point are you attempting to prove?

[bentnotbroken]

That maybe her lack of interest is directly related to the lack of pleasure that the usual instrument provides. Or maybe it is just the lack of knowledge of how to use the instrument by it's owner:confused:. Disappointment goes both ways.

[Moose]

Well then if you ever felt the need to cheat....why don't you just divorce?

You haven't paid any attention have you?

[Moose]

That maybe her lack of interest is directly related to the lack of pleasure that the usual instrument provides. Or maybe it is just the lack of knowledge of how to use the instrument by it's owner:confused:. Disappointment goes both ways.

Ahhh, did you think that would hurt my wittle' feewings? NOT.....

 

My point is that most cheaters have more reasons to cheat than most people realize. Those underlining reasons usually fall on the BS hands, unless there's a medical problem going on....

[bentnotbroken]

Ahhh, did you think that would hurt my wittle' feewings? NOT.....

 

My point is that most cheaters have more reasons to cheat than most people realize. Those underlining reasons usually fall on the BS hands, unless there's a medical problem going on....

 

I wasn't trying to hurt anyone's feelings. If I were I would let you know. I just explained what I thought she meant. And your opinions don't make you right, just as mine don't make me right.

[bish]

Just what it says....I don't see what's so hard to understand about that statement?

 

Because what I take from it, it reads exactly like you are saying its the BS's fault. I know you came back and said thats not what you meant...but it definitely reads that way.

[bish]

No kidding? Wish I would've thought of that!

 

Just what point are you attempting to prove?

 

Well what do you think I mean from it?

[bish]

Ahhh, did you think that would hurt my wittle' feewings? NOT.....

 

My point is that most cheaters have more reasons to cheat than most people realize. Those underlining reasons usually fall on the BS hands, unless there's a medical problem going on....

 

And those reasons are nothing but excuses and if they feel the need to cheat then they should just leave...not fall to the most despicable of behaviors.

 

And I don't care what you say, you ARE blaming the BS for cheating.

[Havn_a_life]

I'm not sure if you are a OW or a BW or either, but I think this is the way some OW think that the BW thinks. After the initial anger and pain, most BW focus mainly on what their H has done and not so much on the OW.

 

This is very true.

After I found out the OW initiated the A(asked him over to her home), and I confronted her about the A, I was literally done with her part in it.

I focused on him.

[Moose]

Because what I take from it, it reads exactly like you are saying its the BS's fault. I know you came back and said thats not what you meant...but it definitely reads that way.

No it doesn't. It reads the way you want to take it. Here is the original post:

I'm not sure I agree with this statement. The, "deed" of cheating should be put on the cheater, but the motivation is usually blood on the BS's hands.....usually.

Now, allow me to highlight a few things:

 

"I'm not sure I agree with this statement. The, "deed" of cheating should be put on the cheater, but the motivation is usually blood on the BS's hands.....usually."

[Havn_a_life]

You know, it's really decent of you to be honest on a board like this, but the way I read you and your posts, you seem almost disrespectful toward your W, saying to anyone, strangers or otherwise, that your W has a low libido, like it's something to be frowned upon.

If you want to be really honest, you should sit her down at the computer and let her read your comments about her.

[Moose]

Well what do you think I mean from it?

If I didn't know any better, (which I don't), I would think that you're defending the BS's standpoint for some reason.

 

Furthermore, just because a problem in a marriage isn't VERBALLY addressed doesn't mean it ISN"T crystal clear that it exists.

 

Finally, you have no clue how many discussions my wife and I have had on the subject.

[Moose]

And those reasons are nothing but excuses and if they feel the need to cheat then they should just leave...not fall to the most despicable of behaviors.

OR....(another concept for you), one or the other could quit being so selfish and learn to take care of each other's needs

 

100/100

[Moose]

You know, it's really decent of you to be honest on a board like this, but the way I read you and your posts, you seem almost disrespectful toward your W, saying to anyone, strangers or otherwise, that your W has a low libido, like it's something to be frowned upon.

If you want to be really honest, you should sit her down at the computer and let her read your comments about her.

She has full access to everything I say, think, feel and publish.

 

I don't hide anything from her, and her from me.

 

Her low libido has to do with past experiences, and I've learned to not be selfish and to deal with it.

 

I know that's hard for people of this day and age to understand. But I truly love my wife.