Yes he should tell his wife

[OWoman]

I don't know much about your situation, but I do applaud your demand for honesty. I'm assuming that you either ended the affair or he has been honest with his wife, and is either with you now or still married.

 

He has told her, and he has left her. She chooses not to believe him, at this point.

 

As far as the MM, it seems like he had no problem dating a MW like he did his wife and then no problem cheating on her. He knew that he was getting married to a woman who cheated with him, so the state of the marriage should be no surprise. I see this as proof that a relationship that starts as a lie continues in the same destructive direction. Based on this post it looks like you agree.

 

I don't think his M is definitive of ALL Ms that start as As. What I was referring to was the dynamic which underlay it which was based on lies - his W lied to him initially about being M to her then H. She told him she was D. Later when the H arrived on my MM's doorstep, asking him why he was messing with his W, he realised. W said then that she was separated, not D, and that she'd left H because he abused her. Because of the threats H had made to my MM, he believed W about the abuse and wanted to save her (he was but a child... she was older.) Long story of her deceiving BOTH of them which of course has only emerged subsequently. She'd lied to MM from the start. She also made it clear that she didn't want to hear what she didn't want to hear. How can truth or honesty survive in a R like that?

 

On the other hand, my father was upfront with his OW about where things stood - less so with my mother but they didn't talk about anything anyway. His M with his OW (now W) has lasted more than 20 years, far longer than his M with my mother did. There were lies there, but they were between H and W not between MM and OW. MM and OW's R was based on honesty even if it was made possible by lies elsewhere.

 

I'm hoping that my R with MM will be of the second variety, since our dealings have always demanded absolute honesty.

[Havn_a_life]

She has full access to everything I say, think, feel and publish.

 

I don't hide anything from her, and her from me.

 

Her low libido has to do with past experiences, and I've learned to not be selfish and to deal with it.

 

I know that's hard for people of this day and age to understand. But I truly love my wife.

 

If I were her, my disinterest in having sex with you would be for going on boards like this and blabbing her "bidnezz".

[Havn_a_life]

He has told her, and he has left her. She chooses not to believe him, at this point.

 

 

 

I don't think his M is definitive of ALL Ms that start as As. What I was referring to was the dynamic which underlay it which was based on lies - his W lied to him initially about being M to her then H. She told him she was D. Later when the H arrived on my MM's doorstep, asking him why he was messing with his W, he realised. W said then that she was separated, not D, and that she'd left H because he abused her. Because of the threats H had made to my MM, he believed W about the abuse and wanted to save her (he was but a child... she was older.) Long story of her deceiving BOTH of them which of course has only emerged subsequently. She'd lied to MM from the start. She also made it clear that she didn't want to hear what she didn't want to hear. How can truth or honesty survive in a R like that?

 

On the other hand, my father was upfront with his OW about where things stood - less so with my mother but they didn't talk about anything anyway. His M with his OW (now W) has lasted more than 20 years, far longer than his M with my mother did. There were lies there, but they were between H and W not between MM and OW. MM and OW's R was based on honesty even if it was made possible by lies elsewhere.

 

I'm hoping that my R with MM will be of the second variety, since our dealings have always demanded absolute honesty.

 

Sounds like they're all screwed up and you are really stepping into a big ole pile yourself.

[iamtrying]

my XMM told the wife and all that he wanted to leave.

 

She threatened him with everything imaginable and really did used the kids and all against him.

 

but in the end, he wasnt even here for me when i was sick and all.

 

so telling and not telling the wife doesnt make much difference to me now

 

its just him not loving me enough to hold my hand when i need him and thats really what a relationship really is to me ....... to hold each others hand when they are in need ...

[White Flower]

No, actually, I don't work with whores. I work along side a group of nice older women. Nice, church going, God fearing women. LOL

 

Speaking of God, that'w where I get the "whore" from. Says it in plain black and white, what a woman who sleeps with a MM is.

Don't blame the messenger for this one.

Actually, a whore gets paid for sexual services. If every OW were truly whores, they are owed tons of money.

 

Just because a MM falls in love or even lust with another woman it does not classify her as a whore or anything nasty.

 

The Bible also gives names for wives who are idle or gossipers but that does not mean that all wives are idle gossipers.

[White Flower]

Sounds like they're all screwed up and you are really stepping into a big ole pile yourself.

 

OWoman knows quite well what she is getting herself into and really does not need me to defend her. I am quite happy for her, though:)

 

You, on the other hand, just seem sad. Your username belies your character and should be: Getalife because it appears that you offer no real debate or advice; you only sit on a homemade thrown and judge. And doesn't the good book remind us to judge not lest ye be judged?

[Babybird]

And so now honesty is a bad thing?

 

 

Uh, she never said honesty was a bad thing. Some things are better left unsaid. I have always stated that telling the W or H for that matter was not the OP's place and GEL made some very good points.

 

If divorce can be made any easier, and leaving out the fact that one had an A would be a way, then why not? If there are children involved is honesty really better when it causes one parent to hate the other unconditionally? Better for the kids to see their once loving parents calling names and backstabbing? Honesty isn't a good enough reason to cause more pain then necessary.

 

The OW or OP tells for two reasons and it isn't to be 'fair' the the BS. It's to try and break up the M because they want their MM/MW or straight up revenge on the MM/MW for dumping them.

 

No matter what anyone says unless there is a life threatening disease involved the OP should not tell the BS.

 

Mind you, I said the OP should not tell. I didn't say anything about the MM/MW telling their own BS.

[bentnotbroken]

Uh, she never said honesty was a bad thing. Some things are better left unsaid. I have always stated that telling the W or H for that matter was not the OP's place and GEL made some very good points.

 

If divorce can be made any easier, and leaving out the fact that one had an A would be a way, then why not? If there are children involved is honesty really better when it causes one parent to hate the other unconditionally? Better for the kids to see their once loving parents calling names and backstabbing? Honesty isn't a good enough reason to cause more pain then necessary.

 

The OW or OP tells for two reasons and it isn't to be 'fair' the the BS. It's to try and break up the M because they want their MM/MW or straight up revenge on the MM/MW for dumping them.

 

No matter what anyone says unless there is a life threatening disease involved the OP should not tell the BS.

 

Mind you, I said the OP should not tell. I didn't say anything about the MM/MW telling their own BS.

 

 

 

Honesty doesn't cause pain, the affair causes the pain. Honesty is just an act of decency after total disrespect.

[White Flower]

I had no clue until he wasn't where he said he would be when I needed him. I asked him where he was and he told me the truth.

 

He has since told me that he felt relieved when D-day arrived. It was getting extremely stressful and the OW was putting too much pressure on him to get more involved. In reality it was her wanting more that eventually got him caught.

Thanks for sharing; your husband's honesty acknowledges his sorrow and love for you.

[Owl]

Someone's self centeredness causes an affair.

 

 

DING DING DING!!!!

 

Give that person a prize!

 

On the money...the MM/MW who engages in the affair is focused on their own WANTS without regard to their partner's wants...or the marriage's NEEDS for that matter.

[White Flower]

Someone's self centeredness causes an affair.

This statement may be true yet it also depends on how you see it.

 

In my case, I was the pursued one. Was MM self-centered? Or was he finally self-centered? He caved in to his W so much that he lost a little of himself. I think he wanted to get himself back and enjoy some life before he dies.

 

There needs to be a balance. Don't give too much and don't take too much. It is sad, though, that we don't always find ourselves single while learning these valuable lessons.

[jaslene2009]

I think that is his job or vice verser. I personally, just think MM Or MW should be clear about what they need in their M to be successful. I have talk with my H about my feelings and we have gone to counseling. What I have found out is that we need to work on ourselves indivdually before we could even think about being in a faithful M. I did not tell him everything, but he does know some of what I did. Now, I don't go looking for the things he is doing. I figure he will let me know if something is going on or some OW can't keep a secert and they usually tell anyway. I am just not one of them. I rather he do what is best for him and his family. I do what was best for me and my H. Telling can be costly, because some poeple do not forgive. I would say only tell if you don't really care about the outcome. If you are okay with the consequence either way it goes, than go for it. However, if you plan on staying and He or She doesn't know, I would not open up that can of worms.

In

so

many of the threads I have read on LS, the betrayed is not considered to be part of the affair. I don't get this concept. Some

OW

say that they are not part of the marriage and the

BW

is not part of the affair. How can that be?

 

Yes, the blame should be placed on the married cheater, but it's not possible to say that by having an affair with a

MM

or

MW

you are not enabling someone to cause harm to their spouse.

 

So

many threads from

OW

ask: "should I tell the wife?" I don't think it's the place of the

OW

to tell, but I do think that the

OW

should make an effort to get the

MM

to tell his wife on his own. Instead there is the constant game of hiding the truth from the

BW

at all costs

so

that the affair can continue.

 

Wouldn't it be better for everyone if

MM

just went home and told the truth

so

that his wife could have the choice to stay married to a cheater or move on to find her own happiness? At least that way everyone has control of their of life.

 

For the

MM

who say they stay for they kids. Why do they get to make that choice? Maybe the

BW

would rather be apart and happy. You never know until you are honest. Some

OW

say that

BW

's use their children against the

MM

. I'

m

sure this happens, but I would think it's rare that a

BW

would use her kids

so

that she can stay married to a man who wants to be with another woman.

 

If a

MM

truly loves an

OW

, he owes it to her and his wife to be honest. To every

OW

that helps the

MM

hide the truth, you are just doing yourself a disservice. The best way to know for sure if he really loves you is for him to be honest with his wife.