Should I stay or should I go?

[QWERTY]

I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year, and I just don't know if I should stay with her or not.

 

On the plus side, she's very sweet, considerate, caring and loving. She's also smart, has a good sense of humour and shares a lot of the same interests that I do.

 

On the downside, she has a lot of physical and emotional health problems that I'm starting to have a tough time dealing with.

 

First, she's diabetic, and with that comes a bad heart, arthritis, and asthma. Of all of them, the arthritis probably has the biggest affect on me, because I can't pick her up or even cuddle with her sometimes like I want to. I also worry what she's going to be like in another ten years - there's a good chance she won't be able to work until retirement age, and may even be in a wheelchair.

 

Secondly, she has a lot of issues around sex. We've never had sex to completion, and haven't done much of anything beyond light kissing and hugging in about seven months. I'm being patient with her because it's not her fault and I know she wants to work on it, but she hasn't made any move towards doing that yet (and I'm starting to get frustrated).

 

Third, she's going through some very difficult life events right now. Her best friend died about two years ago, she's been trying to get out of a job that she absolutely hates for almost ayear (and bursts into tears about it every other time we're together), her friends are all drifting apart from her, and she's constantly broke. She realizes that she needs some therapy, but can't afford it right now and probably won't be able to for quite some time.

 

As I said, I've tried to be patient and understanding, but our relationship is starting to have a negative effect on me. She's negative and unhappy most of the time now, and until she gets a new job (which could happen in a month, or a year - she can't take below a certain amount of $ because of debt, but isn't qualified for higher-paying jobs) I don't think that's going to change. I've put on about 40 lbs. since we started going out (when I'm stressed, I eat :-), I find I'm in a negative mood a lot of the time, and I'm starting to dread the idea of seeing her because I know she'll be unhappy.

 

I do love her, and know that, if she can get past all of this stuff (especially the problems with her job and friends), she, and we, will be a lot happier. But should I wait for that to happen, at the expense of my own happiness? And would it be fair for me to break up with her, when she already has it so rough and can't really control the things that are making her (and me) unhappy?

 

Any advice you can give would be much appreciated.

[Just A Girl2]

Not to ignore the other things you've written, but I was curious about a couple of things.

 

What ages are you both?

 

So due to the diabetes, she DOES have a bad heart and asthma, in addition to the arthritis (frankly, have never heard of any actual correlation between diabetes and asthma, but...)?

 

Is she under proper medical care for all of this? How long has she been diabetic for? Does she take proper care of herself/her diabetes, in terms of exercise, diet? Does she take daily insulin or is she a diet-controlled diabetic?

 

You mentioned that you have never had sex to completion yet, and that over the past 7 months, you've only kissed and hugged. Is this somehow related to her physical situation? Or does she have some kind of hangups about sex unrelated to her diabetes/arthritis? Or is sex physically difficult/painful for her, due to her arthritis? Or could it be due to her apparent "bad heart" maybe she doesn't have the energy to complete sex? (is exhausted) or is afraid of having a heart attack or something? What type of heart condition does she have? (cuz "bad heart" can mean a lot of things)....is she therefore under the care of a cardiologist? Does she have high blood pressure? Is she on appropriate heart medications?

 

JAG2

[Tony T]

I think if you stay your frustrations in many areas will mount. You're investing a lot of time and you may want to cut your losses and move on.

 

There are many men, caretaker types, who would love to be with her to feel needed. You don't sound like one of those...so free her up to find one.

[Groovy Gal]

I have had epilepsy and asthma my whole life. But I work full time, own a home I remodeled myself and have sex with my boyfriend. My illnesses mild and don't affect me daily. I'm mentioning it because you worry over time what will happen. I'm 31 and you never know. A lot of it depends on her attitude. She could live a long life and you could die soon.

 

If I were you, I'd say it would depend on age. If you are both in your 60's I'd say health problems start to happen then and couples need to take care of one another. If you are in your 20's, 30's or early 40's you are still young. You may relish in a relationship where you don't feel like a caretaker and your youth was robbed.

 

You may be afraid to leave because you feel so needed. If so, that need grows greater over time and it's not enough to drive a long term relationship that will be healthy.

 

But if that person enriches your life and you feel they bring the best out in you then look past all the imperfections. The big question is why are you in this?

[NEONINK]

Ok, I think in 7 months she could do something about the sex.

 

I don't care what the circumstances are. She chose to be in a relationship as much as you did. If she wants a platonic r/s, then she should say so, then you would decide given ALL the information.

 

Now, the best friend dying 2 years ago. Give me a break.

 

Life goes on, we must grieve, but 2 years/best friend. You are making excuses for her at this point. She wants a parent figure and friend, not a lover. Is that ok with you?

[QWERTY]

Wow - thanks everyone for the feedback.

 

A few questions were asked - here are the answers:

 

1) I'm in my late 20s; she's in her early 30s

2) The sex issues are separate from the health stuff - they're emotional issues, that she's had for a long time and have caused major problems in all of her relationships

3) She's had diabetes her whole life, takes insulin, and takes pretty good care of herself

4) The asthma is separate from the diabetes

5) The heart problems are separate too - she had heart surgery when she was five (and has a big nasty scar down her front to prove it)

5) I included the "dead best friend" point to illustrate that she's had a long string of tough knocks, and so presumably she hasn't been at her best during our relationship.

 

And, the big question - why am I in the relationship? I guess the biggest reason is that she has the potential to be a wonderful partner, and we have the potential to be happy together (and sometimes, we are). The health problems I can deal with, but I wish I could make the other stuff go away just for a month and see what our relationship would be like. I've been hanging on, waiting for some of the "temporary" stuff (the bad job, the money issues (she spends a lot on insulin, test strips, dental appts., etc., and is holding out for a job with medical coverage), the sex issues, etc.) to go away, but they're taking a lot longer than I expected.

 

You might think this is intentional - that she's setting herself up for failure. But she really is trying - she keeps applying for new jobs, she tries (of her own volition) to stay in good spirits, etc. But the problems just aren't going away.

 

I heard a couple of key messages in your responses: first, that she's looking for a caregiver type, and second, that I need to do what's best for me too. What that leads me to think is that I need to be a little more vocal in what I need from the relationship, and leave it up to her to decide if she can provide it or not. I'm not going to force her to change, but I will be honest with her and let her know that I'm getting very frustrated. If nothing else, this will show me if I really just am playing the role of caregiver for her, or if she really cares about me and my feelings too.

 

Thanks everyone!

[NEONINK]

is that I need to be a little more vocal in what I need from the relationship, and leave it up to her to decide if she can provide it or not. I'm not going to force her to change

 

You are on the right path. Talk about what YOU need. Then she can decide if YOU are worth it. And let her know that scar doesn't mean anything except you are glad she's alive.

 

You know, we live the life we chose. I know health issues and job issues suck, but that's life, and deep down, I really believe the world could come crashing down, and I would be happy with love. Call me a romantic idiot all you want, I still believe. We all have too much stuff (material crap) in our lives anyway, too much food, too much tv, too much violence, too much infidelity, too much ism's, too much everything except love.

 

Ego's never chose love, only Spirit choses love. I hope you get what you want and need from this relationship. I feel frustrated also because others don't see how easy it can be.