Author onmyownagain Posted January 11, 2008 Author Share Posted January 11, 2008 You in the UK Lishy? Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 You in the UK Lishy? Yes hon, why do you ask? Link to post Share on other sites
Author onmyownagain Posted January 11, 2008 Author Share Posted January 11, 2008 No reason really. Just that normally you can have a long wait for replies on here because a lot of the people are in the US. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Yeah it is 1pm here! I was looking back on your other post's and I saw that you gave some great advice to a guy in September last year - You should look back on that advice honey as you should heed it yourself. It is very much easier to give advice when you are not emotionally involved. xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author onmyownagain Posted January 11, 2008 Author Share Posted January 11, 2008 Yeah it is 1pm here! I was looking back on your other post's and I saw that you gave some great advice to a guy in September last year - You should look back on that advice honey as you should heed it yourself. It is very much easier to give advice when you are not emotionally involved. xx I am in the UK too. You are right about the advice thing. If I was looking in from the outside I would be telling me the same as everyone else is. But the pain, Lishy, the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
smileysmile Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 But the pain, Lishy, the pain Pain? Believe me you will feel PAIN even more if you don't give her space and get to see somebody. I am further down the road and I am still in pain although your spouse doesn't want to hear what you are feeling if you are the one who gave it to them in the first place. I know. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 You see this is where it gets tricky. You are in pain, but to your own admission you caused her pain for a long period of time with all due respect you are reaping what you have sowed! (I mean that in a nice way) Space space space - Cut your hands off before you contact her! Where do you live in the UK? Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 (edited) Ok I will tell you something - My ex was full of bad temper and he was bullying as well, both to myself and our son. I spent alot of time walking on eggshells and to be honest I was too scared to leave (he never ever hit me) When I did leave (after 14 years) I was never going back. I had made the choice and I was free of his temper, his bullying, his self centredness. Now I could tell you a million lovely things about him but all of the above outweighed the good. After I left he improved for a while and then he kept calling and still trying to control me in my eyes, as I had told him not to unless it was to do with our son. He went on (over a period of 2 years) to bully and question our son (he never hit our son either) to the point that now our son wont see him! My ex tried to kill himself 3 times and it got to a stage that I didnt care. When he realised this he sent the police to my house at midnight after telling him that he had killed me and was about to kill himself. The polkice were literally kicking my door down thinking I was dead inside! He did all of this because he lost me. I had warned him so many times that he had to change but he didnt listen until it was too late. Now I have a restraining order on him and he has nothing, no me, no son no nothing! All his own doing! Edited January 11, 2008 by Lishy Link to post Share on other sites
smileysmile Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Yes Cardiff .. Yes your right. I am dying inside. Some women "switch off" thats the way they are. If you have read my update on my thread you will see my progress. I have been refered to a counsellor (about time) in 4 weeks which my ex says is wonderfull pity you didn't seek it mths before. As a woman (Lishy) do women really mean it when they say they have "moved on"? Although not emotionally. No going back. Little to late. etc etc I mean she doesn't think I can change. A text from her a month ago says "You make me laugh, you are unreal and so full of sh*t u will never change and the counselling aint worked-new it wouldn't thats why I would never have gone back to u. U just don' see the man you really are! Face it you care more about ya insecure ego than any woman-always did, always will!" This was because of a little text war that was going on. 3rd Dec 2007. Something she brought up and I seemed according to her trying to justify myself for the crap I gave her etc. Its as she says, stay humble as she gets over her hurt deep rooted by me. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Oh SMiley it sounds like she is deadly serious. The sad thing is that you probably did not begin to know the affect you were having on her. I would say you have no choice but to move on. Women IMO are very forgiving to a point, once that point is crossed there is no going back. In my case anyway and most of my friends. The main problem in a relationship is one partner not actually listening to the words their partner are saying to them! Love alone is not enough, you need respect and you have to earn that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author onmyownagain Posted January 11, 2008 Author Share Posted January 11, 2008 I am on the south coast. I am hoping it hasn't gone that far for me, she really wasn't sure about me leaving on Monday it took us all night for me to have the strength to walk away but feel I could have stayed if I wanted to, but our misery would have continued. The moment I walked out the door I thought it would be forever but soon after started to think that I just wanted the old me/her back. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 I have actually left my boyfriend of 18 months 3 weeks ago for not listening to me. He would not change things that I could not put up with and he will be just as sorry as you both are when he realises I am not going back. He thought I loved him too much to ever leave ... BIG mistake on his behalf! Link to post Share on other sites
smileysmile Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Blimey Lishy.. I wouldn't go that far as to say I would kill myself etc. He knew he lost you and he must have lost the plot. Men are slow on reacting. I had warned him so many times that he had to change but he didnt listen until it was too late. This sounds familiar. When she finally leaves the house thats more or less it. No going back. I was given so many chances to change/go and see somebody for my issues. It sometimes takes a separation for the man to "wake up" but then its to late Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 ahhhhhh I am in London! Link to post Share on other sites
Author onmyownagain Posted January 11, 2008 Author Share Posted January 11, 2008 I am originally from London, born in Wimbledon but spent most of my adult life down here. My wife is from down this way. Link to post Share on other sites
smileysmile Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Hmmm Well all I can do is apply the LS rules. I know not just to win her back. But for me and whatever the future holds. Maybe everytime she sees me when I pick our D up she may see something. I doubt she would take that chance. I so can't believe I have been an idiot. We were M in June 2006 and she looked lovingly into my eyes and said "I do" How things change so quickly. We got back "on track" many times and then she says "I am loved up" again so onwards..until another slip up. Only in the house it happened. NO where else. So why can't she possibly see some 'changes' in me in the next few weeks maybe? Or does she have to fully heel and have less anger towards me? Geezus! If she loved me that much how the heck can she just switch off!! Isn't it possible to rekindle these lost or hidden feelings she had for me? Her heart is covered in hurt..the wall has gone up. In time wouldn't it soften? We only met Sept 2004. Link to post Share on other sites
Author onmyownagain Posted January 11, 2008 Author Share Posted January 11, 2008 Hi smiley, We have been married for 12 years and together for about 15+. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Well the thing is that when you have these bad phases a little bit of love dies every time, even though you patch things up, unless a huge change is made forever then the problem still remains, only band aided .. Does that make sense? Sort of like covering a scab, you cant see it anymore but you can still feel it! So you see, it is not possible to just fall out of love one day, it happens gradually until you are daydreaming about just being happy by yourself and without walking on eggshells. Link to post Share on other sites
Author onmyownagain Posted January 11, 2008 Author Share Posted January 11, 2008 (edited) I haven't been happy at home for a while because I could see she wasn't happy. In fact it has been hell at home but we have had some lovely times over the years and that is what I want to get back to, my old best friend. Also, talking of suicide, keep getting dark thoughts myself but keep pushing them aside as so many people would get hurt if I go down this route. Did try a couple of years ago after our first split. Got very drunk and then was told something I didn't want to hear by my brother-in-law. Tried to slash my wrists but the knife was too blunt to do much damage. My dad found me down an alley way covered in blood. The look on his face should keep me away from that again. Edited January 11, 2008 by onmyownagain Link to post Share on other sites
smileysmile Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 yes I see what you mean Lishy. I must have been chipping away and if I had made a final change for good then she may have healed fully and then we wouldn't be here today. I was just looking for a little hope. Maybe her heart has a wall built around it. Maybe she doesn't want to let me know she has a little love for me and that shes deep down hoping that now we are S I might actually change. I was taken aback when she said it was wonderful that I was going to more counselling. Maybe she doesn't even know it but her love for me can be jump started unexpectedly? Thats what I want to know on this site. Any ladies out there reading this in my exes position? Did you do a full circle having seen amazing changes in your ex or when you said you were done you were DONE! So Lishy, you have dumped another guy who wouldn't change? Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Yes I have - I will not be making the same mistakes again We all make mistakes and if we dont learn from them then we are stupid! I wont be hanging aorund with yet another pig headed man who doesnt listen! Honey your wife MAY see the old you again and fall in love all over again, but until then just improve yourelf and live your life! Make yourself happy, dont rely on her to do that for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author onmyownagain Posted January 11, 2008 Author Share Posted January 11, 2008 Well Lishy, I have resisted contacting her so far today, would like to thank you for that. I really feel in my heart of hearts that we have a future, might not be for a little while but I can still see us together in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
smileysmile Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Honey your wife MAY see the old you again and fall in love all over again, but until then just improve yourelf and live your life! Make yourself happy, dont rely on her to do that for you! Do you REALLY believe that is possible having read my situation? Can women really fall back in love with that person who caused them that pain. She says I emotionally damaged her and she wouldn't trust another man again. I have said to her you make me out to be some kind of monster Of course there is a lot of work to be done on my part and there aren't any guarantees. *onmyownagain Now you have gone NC with wife then you should be making arrangements for counselling but I don't think you are. Your W needs to see ACTIONS by you which shows her how much you want to change. Mark my words she will be going down the same route as mine if you don't act Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Smiley I honestly do not know. All I know is your side, I do not know how she really feels inside. For your sake I hope you do get back together as you obviously realise your mistakes and it would be a shame for it to not work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author onmyownagain Posted January 12, 2008 Author Share Posted January 12, 2008 My daughter is with me now, came over last night. Was really pleased to see me and gave me loads of hugs all evening. Was so hard not to ask her any questions though she did tell me mummy wasn't sure if we would get back together. Also told me she was going out with her friend tonight for a drink, don't know if she told her that for my benefit. I said to my daughter I am sorry I have treated her so badly and she seems okay with me so at least our relationship looks safe. Link to post Share on other sites
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