Wife and I have split again

[onmyownagain]

Had lots of texts again, says my daughter doesn't want to live with me every week but daughter phoned me 10 mins ago saying she does?

 

Also, trying to sort out money side and wife says if I don't give her enough she will get solicitors sorted, up to me. Have agreed I give her £500 per month for now and she is going to get money to buy my car (which she has been using for a year because I have a company car) but refuses point blank to look at selling the house, which has about £100K equity in it, says I can't make her get out and the law is on her side.

[Lishy]

Yeah she is right about that, she is entitled to stay in that house until your daughter is 18. Depending on your wages she may even be entitled to more money than that.

 

It sounds to me that your daughter is feeling pulled and saying what she thinks you both want to hear.

 

This is all very raw but it will get better babe, trust me!

[onmyownagain]

I know it isn't good but the anger is really helping me at this point. She is so bitter and I can so no future with her which can only help with my healing.

[smileysmile]

It will get better in time as it does with most people. It is human nature.

 

HOWEVER, is this what you REALLY want?

 

How do you feel now that she is serious?

 

Emotions are raw and flowing eratically.

 

Things could be said in anger and then once said never taken back

 

Oh do I know about this. Women tend to remember EVERYTHING.

 

Not necessarily hurtful things against them but things in general. They seem to have some memory box. It is not always a good thing as things brought up cause arguments again. So it is a good job men don't dwell on things and MOVE ON.

My ex gave me a run down again what I did in the R and made critical examples and I just listened to her, didn't question or make any excuses.

She said I would never change. My counsellor session was mentioned and she asked when is it? I told her 4 weeks.

I sobbed deeply as she watched that I am beating myself up inside of the crap I gave her and I intend to see this C. That a grown man can weep in front of my local doctor that I need to see a C for my issues.

 

I guess my STBXW sees a weak man in me now. I didn't sob to ask her back or for pity.

I was empathizing with her. But her look is a look of no emotion.

Shes hides her emotions well just like her dad.

 

I only dropped off my D and now it will be 8 days before seeing her 'cos of my shifts. I still think my ex is convinced that I am not genuine and I only get emotional 'cos she realizes what I have lost and I am missing. I told her THIS is pain I am feeling for the crap I put you through and NOT any other reason. I have a conscience.

The Christening was brought up. She organized it without any input from me.

 

Next month she has managed to find 50 people for our D Christening.

Hmmmm Most are from the Midlands who she doesn't see often but she calls family anyway.

She said I am welcome but will have to pay for any of my lot in the after reception. lol

Hmmm I think I can manage 15 people to her 50!!

I said I am only happy for D to be finally Christened. It is not about me.

Although I would like to be there I will find it very awkward.

Very sad but due to circumstances I would feel awkward amongst all who know our situation which she understood.

We are S and don't wear our rings. We would be at the font with our D with everybody watching me and my moves.

Gawd knows what they will be thinking?

Ex did mention my 'pride'.

I had a chat with my mum and I am considering on going. I have to swallow my pride and sum up support from my end. People can think what they like.

Edited January 14, 2008 by smileysmile

[onmyownagain]

God mate, I don't envy you having to do the christening thing, would hate that.

 

As for me, I don't know if it is over forever but I am going to act as though it is and get on with my life. Sorted out the money for now and can afford to get a two bed flat (£700pm on the south coast!!!) so will have to see.

 

Doesn't really matter what I want at the moment because she is holding all the cards.

[smileysmile]

yeah well I haven't decided. What would somebody else do in my position?

[Lishy]

You should do whatever you feel comfortable doing! It does not matter what anyone else would do babe it is about what YOU want!

[onmyownagain]

If it was me I don't think I could handle it but you are probably stronger than me.

[smileysmile]

lol me strong?

 

I can decide that it won't be a good idea because of our situation.

And of course ex and her family and mine will understand.

 

I mean this is tearing me apart. Wrong timing for a break up.

 

Ex has gone all out to invite all these people. She is the type that counts your birthday cards standing on your mantelpiece and says "is that all you got". Hmmmm

 

Whoooppppee!! She inviting tom, dick and harry and his friends.

So what will they all think if I don't go, as the father?

 

Will they understand? Hmmmm well I would feel more comfortable if I had as many family/friends as her. Maybe I can recruit work colleagues as well.

This is tearing me apart! My babies Christening and she hasn't the decency to contact me to put som input in etc.

I think I have to go. I have to hold my head up high. Swallow my pride. But I bet me ex will have control over my D when we are there

[onmyownagain]

Why does the christening have to happen now, she knows it isn't going to be good for you but doesn't care.

 

 

Seriously mate, your must be so strong because you are taking so much **** now I just wouldn't bother.

 

So what if you aren't at the christening, D wont think any less of you in the future so why should you care.

 

Thinbk you need to man up a bit and say enough is enouth and walk away.

[smileysmile]

I know what your saying. But I caused her so much cr*p I owe her big time.

I really did. A lot is erased from my memory unless you remind me but obviously not hers and if it were my daughter who was being treated by her husband as I did then I would swing for him.

 

So i know it is hard to see my side but I am going to ask her would she want me there?

Of course she is concerned about the day but if I put my good foot forward and look really dapper on the day (tailored suit) then everybody and most importantly my ex will remember this day

 

So all the ones who have heard the gossip about me etc and haven't met me..maybe they can see that I look like a gentlmen on the day at least

[onmyownagain]

You are probably right mate, I was a bit hard on you last night so don't take any notice of me. I had a rough night last night, couldn't sleep because I kept thinking of all the good times.

 

This isn't easy is it.

[smileysmile]

You have to decide what you want.

 

Maybe she has gone for good. A point of no return. Only YOU know what you have done to make her leave.

It may haunt you for sometime if you weren't a nice person to her during your time together. She wanted YOU and a future with only YOU and your daughter and now, she doesn't want it with you now but sometime in the future she will meet somebody who will be the opposite of you. And she will be happy once again.

 

Like I have said I seem to have a forgetful memory for the crap I put my ex through. That is why I feel so humble now. When I talk to her now I 'listen'. I have to remember what I did. I changed her direction in life now. With possibly no chance of a sibling for our D. That she will have to find with another man

but then he could have kids and of course it would be a sibling with a different dad.

Her worst nightmare has come true. I am guilty as charged me Lord and should be taken to the gallows for hurting my wife so badly

 

It would be an absolute miracle if her and I were to get back together.

 

I am a few weeks til counselling and thats a start. I need to stay focussed and show her some changes in me. I just hope somebody else doesn't come along in the meantime. Then there is almost no chance of getting her back.

Part of me thinks I am kidding myself

She has landed on her own 2 feet and settled into her home like fish to water, all nice and cosy. So as long as she keeps her job she will do fine without me.

But again I don't know what she is really feeling deep down as she doesn't give much a way. Has she lost ALL her feelings for me? Are they deeply barricaded by a thick wall? Who knows?

 

I just need to smile and be there for her and my D. If I had only done something before we split then I wouldn't be here.

I wish somebody gave me a slap HARD slap to wake me up. She deserves to be happy and treated right. God..I am so sorry for the pain I have given her

[onmyownagain]

Your wife will be like mine. In a lot of pain about the break up but putting on a brave face because they can't really see a future with either of us. Chances are they will find someone else.

 

I split with my wife two years ago because at that time she said she didn't love me and felt trapped. We were apart for three months and both ended up with rebound relationships for a bit.

 

We did get back together then although maybe that wasn't such a good idea as we are back in the same position again.

[smileysmile]

How long had you been together from the start?

 

And you broke up for 3 mths? Did you live in separate houses in that time? Was it a trial S or where you guys thought it was the end but then decided to try again?

You both had a rebound R? What with somebody that you knew?

So how did you 2 manage to get back together?

 

Maybe it was to soon and because of unresloved issues that you both needed to work on?

 

Sorry for all the questions.

[onmyownagain]

Hi Mate,

 

We have been together for about 15 years, married 12 years next month.

She broke up with me two years ago and said she didn't love me any more. Said she didn't want to continue so I got a flat and had my daughter over the weekends.

 

I tried all the usual begging in the begining but it didn't work so after a few weeks I gave up and thought that was it.

 

Soon after she started texting me a lot about any old rubbish and really started driving me nuts with it all in the end.

 

We both started seeing people we didn't know from before but the texting etc. carried on.

 

One day she texted me for hours then said she was going to go up to bed before she said something she might regret later.

 

I phoned her and then went round to the house, never left again.

 

If I had the chance again I wouldn't have gone back like that, maybe start by dating again.

 

Anyway, at the begining of the split, I had lots of horrible texts and threats of solicitors etc. like the ones I got over the last couple of days.

 

Think there is a possibility this may happen again (at least think she might try this) a bit further down the road but who knows.

[Lishy]

It does seem like a pattern is emerging hon

 

Just take care of yourself right now and live your life to the fullest that you can!

[onmyownagain]

Trying my best Lishy,

 

Been okay for a couple of days but last night and today I feel really bad. Just been to Tesco and having a look at some of the women and checking out rings to see if they are married etc. Not that I am interested at the moment but really thought my wife is the only one I have eyes for.

 

Even after all the crap recently and this last week, gutted.

[Lishy]

Yeah I know how awful it is babe - I remember all of those feelings and a split is always like this at the beginning.

 

you just have to take it day by day though, it's all you can do

[smileysmile]

wow long time married.

 

you both have some history.

 

Unlike my situation. Only got together September 10th 2004.

 

How did you both manage to get past the fact you had rebound relationships? Did you ask each other questions about them?

 

 

Unresolved issues. Bad move after the first break up. Should have tackled them. Also I am intrigued why she started to text you after the first split when you went NC?

Is it just you with a temper? Does your W have issues of any kind?

Do you have any other issues that your wife has a problem with?

[onmyownagain]

Didn't really have a temper before, if anything she had the upper hand most of the time.

 

When I went home I was a lot harder because I didn't want to be walked over, unfortunately I played that card too much.

 

I never threatened or scared her as such but was controlling the relationship and what we did etc.

 

For example, she would ask if I minded her working later etc.

 

As for the other relationships, we never shared any details really, we were both intimate with our rebounders.

 

I must admit it hurt me a lot more than it did her and I did compare myself to him and imagined he was better looking/bigger/better lover etc.

 

That didn't last too long though.

[smileysmile]

Hmmm

 

I am feeling pain today. I have been crying my eyes out in the last few hours. The pain just won't go.

 

This time last year we were looking for a hole in the wall gas fire to replace the standard one with fire surround. We wanted to put a plasma up above the fire. Now I am here spending yet more money I don't have on a carpet for the lounge for when my D comes over.

House is being renovated so new kitchen fitted, bathroom and working way up to bedrooms.

I can't believe I am here by myself hurting so bad. My eyes are red raw.

My ex unbelievably ok as far as I can see. Just rang her from carpet store to ask her how much our carpet cost in old house. She sounded like she was just leaving work and sounded happy.

This is the woman who was desparate to save our M that only aprrox 19 mths ago looked lovingly into my eyes and said 'I do'.

Geezus! How things change eh?

5 days later and ex 4 mths pregnant we walked up to the Acropolis in Rhodes on our honeymoon. Our D was born the following November.

Then the fall of April we ended up in separate beds til end of August last year she went to stay at her parents for 2 mths until her house was ready Nov 3rd 2007.

The ONLY time we argued was in our house. Why did I play emotional games. Why was I so insecure and pushed her away and never sorted my head out!!?

I feel so lonely and sad. I even have thought of ending my life.

I can easily meet another lady and start another R. But I don't want to.

I want my W and D back. I will always be to messed up now to start another R.

Why has the ex moved on so quickly. She contributed to some arguments.

You can't argue with yourself. We react to what is said and it is how you react that needs to be addressed. I so wish I sorted my problems out.

 

Why doesn't she call me? Why isn't she hurting like me? How can she just 'switch off' like that?

Edited January 15, 2008 by smileysmile

[onmyownagain]

Sorry mate, It isn't easy is it. I felt last time I was better off moving out myself because I had to start fresh apart from a few things.

 

She was stuck at home with my bits and pieces scattered around, photos on the walls etc.

[onmyownagain]

Really feel like **** today.

 

Can't help thinking about us making love and the closeness (Last time just before Christmas) and also about how she will be doing this with other men in the future, maybe even the near future.

 

I'm at work and I am trying to get on with it but just feel so lost at this moment.

 

The same as you Smiley, I keep having dark thoughts as this would just be the easy way out, but it is the ones you leave behind that stop me.

Edited January 16, 2008 by onmyownagain

[Lishy]

Now listen up the pair of you, my ex felt like this but he took the extra step of actually taking the pills! He ended up in a nut house on 5 seperate occassions. Do you want to end up like that? Is ANY woman worth this? You lived fine before you met her so why not now?

 

Grow up and think about your kids!!!!!!!!! (sorry if that was hard hitting but you deserve it)

 

Life is too precious and to even consider ending it over a damn woman is ridiculous!

 

There are millions of women out there you know!