complicatedlife Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 I was wondering what you guys think of affairs that last more than 10 years. I recently met a woman involved with a MM for 13 years. I was literally dumb struck. This woman has a successful career, was once married (married and divorced and having the affair), and has 2 children from the marriage. And she's young - only 38. How do you do that? What is the motivation? I did it for a few months and felt like I was dying a slow death! I wanted to ask her, but couldn't bring myself to do it. She seems happy.... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 maybe she's made her peace with it, maybe it just "fits" into her lifestyle having a FWB who she doesn't have to put up with 100 percent of the time. Because sometimes, it just seems appealing when you realize what all goes into a relationship and how much easier it would seem to not have to deal with someone's BS every day, all the time! Link to post Share on other sites
PLAYBRAT Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 I used to wonder this myself...until I became involved in an EA with someone. Granted...we knew AND liked each other long before his marriage...I didn't really begin to feel like a 'Side piece" until after he got married. I knew he was dating her....and for me that was acceptable because they were not in a "comitted" R at the time. Then she got pregant.The rest is history. Anyway...I never undertood the concept of how a woman could remain in an A for very long. Now I do. A OW is not likely to jump into an A with a man who says he and his wife have a great marriage, a great sex life and he's blissfully happy. Of course not. As long as he tells the OW how miserable he "really" is..how awful his W is.....and how much happier SHE makes him (this of course to pacify her so she won't leave). Then he proceeds to give her JUST enough hope that he MIGHT be leaving his wife soon. NOT today...not tomorrow, but very soon. Days turn to weeks, weeks to to months..months turn to years. It is easy. Time goes by very fast...this month is ALREADY almost halfway over and it was just New Year. So you see......when you believe someone enough, time isn't an issue. It's when you've had enough that you realize how much time you've really wasted. Hope that answered your question. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 A OW is not likely to jump into an A with a man who says he and his wife have a great marriage, a great sex life and he's blissfully happy. Of course not. I disagree. That was a non-negotiable prerequisite for me in considering whether or not to initiate an A. I would not have gotten involved with a guy in a miserable marriage or with a starved sex life. Of course, men are not always honest WITH THEMSELVES on this. My MM assured me - and himself - he was happily married. It was only later from friends and colleagues and his family that I learned how abusive his M was, and only through counselling he was able to admit to himself that he was actually desperately unhappy in his M, and that his sex life with his W had been mediocre at best (since he had something to compare it to). All along he'd just taken it for granted that that was how Ws treated their Hs behind closed doors (though his W did it openly in front of everyone) and he only realised once we got involved that relationships based on respect and love were actually possible, and even normal. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 maybe she's made her peace with it, maybe it just "fits" into her lifestyle having a FWB who she doesn't have to put up with 100 percent of the time. Because sometimes, it just seems appealing when you realize what all goes into a relationship and how much easier it would seem to not have to deal with someone's BS every day, all the time! I agree with this assessment - that pretty much suited me perfectly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author complicatedlife Posted January 8, 2008 Author Share Posted January 8, 2008 How do you explain, or I guess, not explain it to them? Link to post Share on other sites
Havn_a_life Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I could probably give it a month or 2, but after that, I'd realize he wasn't leaving his W for me, if he hadn't got to know me enough in those couple months to want to leave her for me, kids or no kids. I don't see how anyone can hang on any longer. Why should they? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I was wondering what you guys think of affairs that last more than 10 years. I recently met a woman involved with a MM for 13 years. I was literally dumb struck. This woman has a successful career, was once married (married and divorced and having the affair), and has 2 children from the marriage. And she's young - only 38. How do you do that? What is the motivation? I did it for a few months and felt like I was dying a slow death! I wanted to ask her, but couldn't bring myself to do it. She seems happy.... With my first ex..I was the OW for 11 years... he finally moved with me once she kicked him out... we lived common-law for 18 years after that... Why so long? Because I was desperately in love with him... I was hoping that one day I would be with him... I was soooo dumb to wait all those years.. but I was emotionally dependant and very vulnerable to love. Now.. at my age... I don't want anyone in my life anymore... so if an A lasts 10-20 yrs good for me and him... lol Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I used to wonder this myself...until I became involved in an EA with someone. Granted...we knew AND liked each other long before his marriage...I didn't really begin to feel like a 'Side piece" until after he got married. I knew he was dating her....and for me that was acceptable because they were not in a "comitted" R at the time. Then she got pregant.The rest is history. Anyway...I never undertood the concept of how a woman could remain in an A for very long. Now I do. A OW is not likely to jump into an A with a man who says he and his wife have a great marriage, a great sex life and he's blissfully happy. Of course not. As long as he tells the OW how miserable he "really" is..how awful his W is.....and how much happier SHE makes him (this of course to pacify her so she won't leave). Then he proceeds to give her JUST enough hope that he MIGHT be leaving his wife soon. NOT today...not tomorrow, but very soon. Days turn to weeks, weeks to to months..months turn to years. It is easy. Time goes by very fast...this month is ALREADY almost halfway over and it was just New Year. So you see......when you believe someone enough, time isn't an issue. It's when you've had enough that you realize how much time you've really wasted. Hope that answered your question. I disagree with the bold part... In my case, I am involved with men that are happy in their marriage... but they lack sex or some excitement... I am not sure and I don't really care. One of them even have a good sex life... he just likes me... and wants to explore a few things with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Havn_a_life Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I've posted over the last months on LS, off and on, and have came across several of your posts. I have to ask in all seriousness without sarcasm, are you a professional escort or some type of paid prostitute? To hear you talk, you sound like the latter. You seem like one of those girls on the corner waiting for a willing "John", only in your case, it sounds like you have "regulars". Am I right in assuming this, Lizzie? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I've posted over the last months on LS, off and on, and have came across several of your posts. I have to ask in all seriousness without sarcasm, are you a professional escort or some type of paid prostitute? To hear you talk, you sound like the latter. You seem like one of those girls on the corner waiting for a willing "John", only in your case, it sounds like you have "regulars". Am I right in assuming this, Lizzie? I am not waiting on the corner for any Johns.. no.. not at all... It's a little complicated... Link to post Share on other sites
Havn_a_life Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I would love to hear(read) the complicated story behind it all. It would probably help me to understand you and your soetimes annoying posts. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I would love to hear(read) the complicated story behind it all. It would probably help me to understand you and your soetimes annoying posts. Please don't try to understand me.. I will not post about my complicated lifestyle here ... it would take pages.. plus you'd probably manipulate each word to make it sound terrible or disgusting... I'm not stupid you know... and not interested thank you very much. I don't feel I have to explain my lifestyle here (I do here and there in my posts, just read all my posts LOL) I do not have to apologize for the personal choices I make in my own life... I know it's not for everyone..but I find it suitable for me and this is exactly how I want it... for now anyway.. I'm not saying I won't change.. but, for now I can't be happier. I get spoiled by these men... I go on vacation each year... I am a shopoholic (sp)... My philosophy: if you're going to get f*cked... (we all do) might as well enjoy it and get spoiled for it... I feel sorry for those women who are getting used for sex and not getting anything out of it except pain and rejection... Not my case... Link to post Share on other sites
Havn_a_life Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Please don't try to understand me.. I will not post about my complicated lifestyle here ... it would take pages.. plus you'd probably manipulate each word to make it sound terrible or disgusting... I'm not stupid you know... and not interested thank you very much. I don't feel I have to explain my lifestyle here (I do here and there in my posts, just read all my posts LOL) I do not have to apologize for the personal choices I make in my own life... I know it's not for everyone..but I find it suitable for me and this is exactly how I want it... for now anyway.. I'm not saying I won't change.. but, for now I can't be happier. I get spoiled by these men... I go on vacation each year... I am a shopoholic (sp)... My philosophy: if you're going to get f*cked... (we all do) might as well enjoy it and get spoiled for it... I feel sorry for those women who are getting used for sex and not getting anything out of it except pain and rejection... Not my case... Oh, you're very good at manipulation yourself. You are in R with how many MMs? That says a whole lot about how you are right there. I'm not really that interested in your "lifestyle". Just wondered how someone could be that twisted in the reasoning of how they live. I think I might be able to deal with your noncompliance of telling your side of it all. lmao No, you don't have to apologise to anyone here, but you will answer for it one day. Whether you like it or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Oh, you're very good at manipulation yourself. You are in R with how many MMs? That says a whole lot about how you are right there. I'm not really that interested in your "lifestyle". Just wondered how someone could be that twisted in the reasoning of how they live. I think I might be able to deal with your noncompliance of telling your side of it all. lmao No, you don't have to apologise to anyone here, but you will answer for it one day. Whether you like it or not. With quite a few actually... Well if I'm that twisted, as you say, a lot of people out there are twisted... I know a few people who have several people in their lives... We're NOT ALL monogamous you know.. See... I know I am smart... I have a very good job for the gov't... am very well respected... I just happen to love sex and men... I will answer to who one day? I am not religious... eventhough I lived through the 'severe' catholicism all through my childhood. I have no fear of the 'unknown' like fanatic religious people have .. Link to post Share on other sites
PLAYBRAT Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 So basically she screws MM and gets paid for it. So in essence...she's a hooker. Eiher way you look at it...you're getting PAID to 'service' these men. If you're ok with this lifestyle Lizzie, then that's your business. I don't really see how you can think because a man PAYS you to have sex with them that you are getting so much more out of it than a woman who DOESN'T. That's kind of twisted when you think about it. Makes me wonder if you think that's all you have to offer a man. Link to post Share on other sites
KATANYA Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 I think the question was "How can someone stay in an A for years".....not "How does Lizzie Justify her A's". I'm not defending Lizzie because if there is anyone on here that needs no help in defending herself or being confident and content in her own situation, it is Lizzie. Having said that, what does anyone care what the nature of her relationships are? No one has ever asked me how I make my money and its really no one's business!!! And how does this and many other threads get threadjacked when she posts her opinion and become personal attacks? Whatever, people.......move on!!!! My opinion (to the original question, in case anyone is still interested in discussing it) is that there definitely are some OW (and probably OM) that ARE quite content to live their own lives, enjoy their own successes and thrive on their independence while still having a SO who they see WHEN THEY WANT and when it fits their schedule. I actually know a woman (she's a very well educated woman - professor at a college) who was married for only 10 months before her husband decided he was gay - they had dated for years prior. She vowed she would NEVER marry again, went on to build her life, etc. etc. and has had the same lover (who is VERY married) for close to 16 years. They live miles apart and see each other perhaps 4-5 times a year. Always at the same times each year, always in the same locations, and its always wonderful. That is the most SHE wants and she loves this man dearly. Her house has beautiful pictures of the two of them together, they speak regularly on the phone, he had bought her amazing gifts........she is happy with her life and herself. As far as the difference between being with someone who 'pays' and someone who doesn't....lets not split hairs. My exMM certainly gave me lovely gifts when we were together, he has offered me money at times I needed it, etc. and I would like to know what OW has not had the same....some get set up in a house, bills paid for, etc.....so is our assumption now that if the MM does these things the OW becomes a prostitute??????? Geez.......someone better change the header on this forum! People fall in love, people in love tolerate all sorts of 'inconveniences' for the sake of that love (not at all saying the love is 'right', 'acceptable', or 'pure' ----I'm really not about judging that in others as I don't like to throw stones where they can be thrown back!!)..how long you tolerate it depends on how happy the R makes you and what YOU expect and want from the R itself! Doesn't matter if its an A, a marriage, whatever.....when you are happy in the R, and are in love with the person you are in the R with, you accept the limits, circumstances, etc. of the R. Look at women who marry men who are in prison for life; women who are in R's with men who are in the military and gone for months at a time; couples who marry from different countries and cannot live together due to legalities, etc. I'm not comparing M to an A other than the fact that LOTS of Rs are not ideal in that the couple are NOT together all the time in the same home.........To me, being in an A that long is not being someone's 'side dish' for decades as much as it is having found someone you choose to commit to knowing the limits of what that person can commit back to you. If you are ok with that and content with the limits of what the R will ever be able to be......live and let live!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
PLAYBRAT Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 Katanya you are very right.... I apologize to Lizzie for my comments. It was unneccessary. However when someone blatantly makes comments about their "lifestyle" on an open forum, they need to realize they ARE subject to criticism and "judgements". Perhaps it might be best to keep certain things to oneself. Link to post Share on other sites
Havn_a_life Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 Katanya you are very right.... I apologize to Lizzie for my comments. It was unneccessary. However when someone blatantly makes comments about their "lifestyle" on an open forum, they need to realize they ARE subject to criticism and "judgements". Perhaps it might be best to keep certain things to oneself. I'm not taking up for Lizzie and her lifestyle when I say she wasn't willing to talk about her MMs and the whys and wherefores of being with them. It's really obvious if you think about it why she is. Not very flattering for her, but there ya go. Link to post Share on other sites
Havn_a_life Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 (edited) I think the question was "How can someone stay in an A for years".....not "How does Lizzie Justify her A's". I'm not defending Lizzie because if there is anyone on here that needs no help in defending herself or being confident and content in her own situation, it is Lizzie. Having said that, what does anyone care what the nature of her relationships are? No one has ever asked me how I make my money and its really no one's business!!! And how does this and many other threads get threadjacked when she posts her opinion and become personal attacks? Whatever, people.......move on!!!! My opinion (to the original question, in case anyone is still interested in discussing it) is that there definitely are some OW (and probably OM) that ARE quite content to live their own lives, enjoy their own successes and thrive on their independence while still having a SO who they see WHEN THEY WANT and when it fits their schedule. I actually know a woman (she's a very well educated woman - professor at a college) who was married for only 10 months before her husband decided he was gay - they had dated for years prior. She vowed she would NEVER marry again, went on to build her life, etc. etc. and has had the same lover (who is VERY married) for close to 16 years. They live miles apart and see each other perhaps 4-5 times a year. Always at the same times each year, always in the same locations, and its always wonderful. That is the most SHE wants and she loves this man dearly. Her house has beautiful pictures of the two of them together, they speak regularly on the phone, he had bought her amazing gifts........she is happy with her life and herself. As far as the difference between being with someone who 'pays' and someone who doesn't....lets not split hairs. My exMM certainly gave me lovely gifts when we were together, he has offered me money at times I needed it, etc. and I would like to know what OW has not had the same....some get set up in a house, bills paid for, etc.....so is our assumption now that if the MM does these things the OW becomes a prostitute??????? Geez.......someone better change the header on this forum! People fall in love, people in love tolerate all sorts of 'inconveniences' for the sake of that love (not at all saying the love is 'right', 'acceptable', or 'pure' ----I'm really not about judging that in others as I don't like to throw stones where they can be thrown back!!)..how long you tolerate it depends on how happy the R makes you and what YOU expect and want from the R itself! Doesn't matter if its an A, a marriage, whatever.....when you are happy in the R, and are in love with the person you are in the R with, you accept the limits, circumstances, etc. of the R. Look at women who marry men who are in prison for life; women who are in R's with men who are in the military and gone for months at a time; couples who marry from different countries and cannot live together due to legalities, etc. I'm not comparing M to an A other than the fact that LOTS of Rs are not ideal in that the couple are NOT together all the time in the same home.........To me, being in an A that long is not being someone's 'side dish' for decades as much as it is having found someone you choose to commit to knowing the limits of what that person can commit back to you. If you are ok with that and content with the limits of what the R will ever be able to be......live and let live!!!! LOL I think those questions are basically the same, just worded differently. Attack? Me attack? LMAO Well, they really work for the MM. He sees them when he wants to. Be honest at least about that. And it sounds like your friend went from one bad mess to another. You said the "prostitute word, not me. If someone chooses to be in a R with someone M for that long, then by all means, it's their life, wasted though it may be, it's theirs. Edited January 10, 2008 by Havn_a_life n/a Link to post Share on other sites
KATANYA Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 Well, they really work for the MM. He sees them when he wants to. Be honest at least about that. And for some OW, that's a mutual accommodation. The R works for both in that THEY see each other when THEY choose. It only becomes solely HIS benefit when the OW is completely lacking in any say or control......much like any R where one person dictates and controls the life of the other. And it sounds like your friend went from one bad mess to another. You said the "prostitute word, not me. I don't think the situation would work for me but she's certainly not in a 'mess' --- she has a wonderful life and is quite content in it! I've met her MM and he completely adores her - up to the point she allows him to. I think he would have, at one time, gladly left his M to be with her but she would never even entertain that thought so he gave up on having her completely a long time ago yet still stayed around all these years. If someone chooses to be in a R with someone M for that long, then by all means, it's their life, wasted though it may be, it's theirs. Only wasted if the person in the R (or people in the R) were waiting and/or led to expect there would ever be something more. To me, its different to be led on with promises that 'one day I'll leave my SO to be with you" and knowing outright that will not happen and still choosing to be in that R and being happy with those limits. A person's life is only wasted if they never try to fulfill what they want in life - a R does not define one's entire life as to whether its been fulfilled or wasted! My M and its failure does not mean I 'wasted' all those years - I have had many successes and accomplishments which far more greatly define me than did my M. Likewise for my R with exMM - I could have stayed in the A for years and still would not feel like its success or failure ultimately decided if my life was 'wasted' or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Havn_a_life Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 If people were truly honest in life they would own up to being disrespected when the MP they're having an A with doesn't think they're worth leaving their spouse for. That's honesty. Brutal but true. Sorry no one likes hearing that. MMs see the OW when they feel like it, if she isn't available, he'll find someone who is willing to be there when he wants some. That's the nature of a cheater. If your friend's MM had wanted to leave his M, for her or himself, he would have without her opinion or permission. Men are funny like that. She'd take anything he threw at her. . Brutal, but yet again honest. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 Wasted years... Well it depends on who the person is if they're wasting anything... I think alot of people waste years staying married... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 If people were truly honest in life they would own up to being disrespected when the MP they're having an A with doesn't think they're worth leaving their spouse for. That's honesty. Brutal but true. Sorry no one likes hearing that. MMs see the OW when they feel like it, if she isn't available, he'll find someone who is willing to be there when he wants some. That's the nature of a cheater. If your friend's MM had wanted to leave his M, for her or himself, he would have without her opinion or permission. Men are funny like that. She'd take anything he threw at her. . Brutal, but yet again honest. Like I said before.... Take the W out of the M and replace her with the OW...then you'd have the most happiestest of MM... If the OW is not available, he'll wait.. they don't go from OW to OW in a second... you obviously have no idea what an A is... lol The OW doesn't take what he's throwing at her... in my case, it's quite the opposite, he takes me whenever I feel like it... and whenever I AM available... He'll wait... trust me he'll wait... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 Wasted years... Well it depends on who the person is if they're wasting anything... I think alot of people waste years staying married... Exactly there are a lot more wasted years when you're staying married for whatever reason... I have wasted a few years with my first ex... I should have left 12 years ealier... Link to post Share on other sites
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