Need on my situation

[Ally_Pally]

Hey, (sorry the title is supposed to read, need advice on my situation!)

 

These past few days I've been feeling so down, and i really don't know what to do. My ex and i had been together for 2 years, and its been 2 months since he broke it off. He wanted freedom and not 'not be tied down'. Later on, he also was honest and told me that i was needy, clingy and abit depressive (which looking back, i was.)

 

At first i was heartbroken, i was crying and genuinely looking/sounding very needy, but i never begged for him back. I tried NC but he kept contacting me trying to speak, and each time, i gave in. I shouldn't have done, but i was weaker back then. This lasted a few weeks. After these few weeks, i wanted some space from him, because it was hurting me to speak to him, and i was basically a mess and i wanted myself back. I sent him an email, asking him to not contact me for a month, then maybe we could talk more clearly when we were both more clear minded.

 

It was going great but 2 weeks later, he contacted me, and wanted to say sorry for everything he had put me through.

I felt able to speak to him at this point, and believe it or not, i was in a much better place in my mind.

 

From then to now, we have been in LC. and i know its hard to believe, but i have done alot of thinking and soul searching and feel my old self returning. Each time we speak, he has spoken to me first, and when we speak, i do not act needy, depressive or clingy, im happy, calm, and relaxed. I have moved on from the old relationship. But He has since told me he is really depressed and he doesn't like his life atm, and doesn't have anyone to talk to. I have also noticed that he has become very paranoid, something he never was before, Like we would be talking over the phone, and he would randomly ask 'do you think im boring?!' and i would say no, then he said 'are you just being polite by staying on the phone with me?!' he would also come out with he doesn't like how he looks etc. I don't know what to say/do about this.

 

Also, after weeks and weeks of speaking to him, i guess i got abit fed up, i want to get back together with this guy, and i suppose i was just getting abit frustrated. I told him in a calm, relaxed way, that i still had feelings for him and asked if there was a chance for us in the future, because i do not want to be friends with him, as it will hurt me in the long run, but when i say i don't want to be friends, he gets annoyed!

So i asked him if we had a chance, and if he didn't see one, that i would have to cut contact, for my own good!

 

This is the response i got, he said that at the moment, he doesn't see a chance, so i said ok fair enough. But then, straight after he said 'but maybe that's because of what im going through' and 'I've never been this lost in my life'. What does this mean?!

So then i asked if how he feels could ever change, and he said he doesn't know.

He also says he doesn't want a gf at the moment.

Now i don't think he is lying because he has been very honest throughout this breakup, sometimes too honest lol.

 

I also asked him, if he was afraid that if he came back, that i would take him for granted again, and be depressive etc. and he said yes. i assured him that this would not be the case. I don't know what to do anymore, i look back and dislike how i acted in the past and get so upset over it. i also start thinking things like, why would he come back to me, when i was like that to him!. I really know that if he came back it would work.

 

So basically, i don't even know if we are speaking or not now. and im feeling so low and depressed over this, its like how i felt at the beginning of the breakup, the pain doesn't end.

 

He spoke to me briefly on-line a few days after this, but that lasted like 5mins then he had to go. He used to be on-line like everyday, but now its been days and he isn't, i can't stop my mind from wondering!

I have been seeing friends and going back to college to keep my mind of things, and it works, but its hard to occupy yourself all the time.

 

Thing is, if he can see a chance for us to get back together, i wouldn't mind speaking to him, but if he really cant see a chance, and that won't change, then i would like to cut contact so i can completely heal.

but at the moment, it seems like he doesn't know, and so i don't know what to do! he knows that we both don't know what to do from here. Do i stay in contact or try and go NC ?!

If we stay in contact, i don't want to keep pressurizing him to make a choice. I'm so lost!

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.!

 

Ally

xx

Edited January 8, 2008 by Ally_Pally