sungrl Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 What is you general feeling about a guys night out when you are in a serious relationship with them? I am not ok with once a week. In my standards, that just isnt serious enough for me where he needs to be at a bar or club without me. But what is normal after that? once every 2 months, once every 3 months personally i hate the idea of a guys night out--why couldnt it be a group thing where you don't have to be by your partner's side the whole night and i even know some guys who wouldnt go to bars without their g.f. but in order to compromise--what would be a good stand point--i feel like it should only be once in awhile...but what is once in awhile? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 also, how can you tell when it is crossing the line?. My b/f thinks i should be more flexible..for example, if we usually see each other on a specific night but dont have plans like a wedding and if a night come up like this(boys night) and he tells me a few days in advance--he thinks i should be flexible about it and just say ok lets see each other a day earlier..but to me--it feels like i am blown off even though he told me a few days prior. Link to post Share on other sites
SeraBella Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 do you live far away from each other? why is it that you can't be flexible? i like to maintain friends separate from my boyfriend. he knows them, and is friends with them as well, but they were my friends before him, and if anything would happen between us they would remain my friends when he is gone. i try to see them at least once a week, but as life may happen it gets busy and sometimes happens once a week or month. he is not an extremely social guy, and his friends are scattered all over the US, so he doesn't really see them often. but i encourage him to have guys nights, and trust him to do so. do you see your friends? do you have girls nights? how often do you have them? how often do you think it's appropriate to have them? how close is he to most of these guys? if you would limit his ability to see them to once every 2-3 months, it seems you would be forcing him to lose his friendships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 he can still talk and have lunch but i meant guys nights where you are out at a bar til 2am or later..having those nights very often is not serious to me..i think that is something you do when single or in a casual relationship so i am just asking regarding going bar hopping without your s/o whats the limit? i feel once in a blue moon is reasonable which might be every few months Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Actually, I see nothing wrong with once a week but I'd say that every other week you should have the option to come along. The most important thing is that you know who his friends are. If you know them, and they like you, and you like them, that is a big, healthy thing. Is it the frequency that disturbs you, or are you rarely invited? Or is it that you just don't like him drinking heavily that often? I personally think that once a week is ok as long as you feel welcome to occasionally go with him. For example, if you are not doing anything, every now and then (maybe once a month) you should be able to say "I'm not doing anything that night; I'd like to come" and he should say "of course!" Link to post Share on other sites
SeraBella Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 i don't know, i don't set limits on it and he doesn't set limits on it for me. bar hopping for some is like a hobby, it has nothing to do with a serious relationship...it's just something to do. if you have real issue with it you need to talk with him and come up with a compromise. otherwise you're going to get a different answer from almost everyone on here. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 If I were you... I would compromise... If he goes out once a week with boys at a bar... I would do the same thing... girls night out at a bar too... What's good for one is good for the other... That's the only way... If it's only a one-way thing (his) then dump him... NEVER settle for less... Link to post Share on other sites
EYECANDY000 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I wouldnt mind guys night out, as long as I can have girls night as well. Sometimes people just need to spend a litle time away from each other and clear their minds. At least I do. Going out like every other week or so is fine with me! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 yeah i know that i could never settle for once a week to be ok bar hopping..i would think after a certain point of being with someone, the desire to do that decreases rather than increases or remain the same. it hasnt happened where he has pushed for once a week so i guess that is good. but i guess even saying no to once a every 2 months sounds too controlling? Link to post Share on other sites
SeraBella Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 yeah i know that i could never settle for once a week to be ok bar hopping..i would think after a certain point of being with someone, the desire to do that decreases rather than increases or remain the same. it hasnt happened where he has pushed for once a week so i guess that is good. but i guess even saying no to once a every 2 months sounds too controlling? uhm, yeah. i could never put up with someone who trusted me as little as you trust him. you're lucky he sticks around. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 sungrl.. the best recipe for disaster is to tell your bf, partner, etc. how to live their life... you can't control someone. You can 'talk' about your issues... and come up with some kind of compromise ... My best advice... tell your bf how you feel... if he doesn't give a crap about you, he won't change... if he truly respect and love you, he will compromise... simple. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I would not have an issue with my guy going out with the guys once a week and blowing off steam. I think the nights out have to do with male bonding- maintaining friendships- maintaining some sense of individuality outside the relationship.... which, believe it or not is important for both parties in a relationship. It's something I believe to be healthy. You see his boys nights as rejecting spending time with you...but that is not the case. He has a right to maintain friendships as much as you do- and also should. I agree- that when he plans these nights, you should plan your own nights out with the girls. It's scary for guys to get into a relationship and lose themselves. It also depends on how long you have been together. When I first started dating my ex husband- he used to go out once a week. I never complained or showed my disapproval. I found that the more accepting I was- the more he made the decision on his own to spend more time with me. The less I protested- the more he wanted to either spend time with me- and yes- eventually invite me along. When you start to make a scene about it- it usually gets their back up- and they start to rebel. Stay cool about it- and I guarantee he will come to the decision on his own to cut back on the nights out with the boys. It's reverse psychology....lol Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 What is it about these nights out with his boys that bothers you exactly? You say it means its not serious. He isn't serious about you? the relationship? life in general? Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 What is it about these nights out with his boys that bothers you exactly? You say it means its not serious. He isn't serious about you? the relationship? life in general? If you know who he goes out with, and you are sometimes invited along, and you'd be comfortable occasionally saying "I'm bored. I want to come too," then that means he is serious and that he is integrating you into his life. I got really mad at my ex when I was out of town and coming back, but she had already made plans that weekend with friends she rarely saw. The problem for me was that I had never met those people, and to be honest, I had reason to believe they didn't know I even existed. In my opinion, I had every right to say "I've never met those people and would like to meet the important people in your life. Can we compromise? Can I come along?" If the answer is no, then your partner is not serious about you. But if you know his friends, once a week really isn't a big deal as long as he isn't knocking on your door drunk for sex at 3am when you prefer to go to sleep at midnight. Is that the issue...different lifestyles? You need to paint a bigger picture of your relationship because the information you've given us does not tell us anything about how serious he is about you. He could be going out and partying 3 times week -- and be absolutely smitten with you -- and it would just be a lifestyle preference. Going out to the bars does not mean going out to pick up women. It means having fun with friends. So if his friends are transparent to you and you are visible to them, you really have little to worry about unless he acts evasive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 for me--a guy going out to bars every week and saying i need this time is too much for me..so with that, i know i cant compromise b/c i feel that is just an excuse. I dont understand why someone would HAVE to be away from their g/f once a week and go to crowded singles types bars. these are the nights i am talking about--like a guys night that entails whatever they decide to do..a lame bar, a crowded singles type bar where there are young guys and girls, people dancing etc etc You say as long as i know his friends its ok..i dont understand why that would make a difference..and also my b/f knows people he doesnt really call true true friends..its just people u sometimes hang out with when one tries to get everyone together and they arent someone you hang out with every other week..so if he goes to this--i have only met one of them going...and i honestly dont know why this would make a difference b/c i have seen guys friends lie for them just from what i have seen or heard but if you meant their personality...this one friend is single and probably would want to go to a bar where there are lots of girls to look at or who knows maybe even casually mention going to a strip club...he doesnt have anything or anyone holding him back. Link to post Share on other sites
SeraBella Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 have you dated much besides this boyfriend? do you mind if i ask how old you are? Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Knowing who your bf hangs out with is important because it makes you VISIBLE, and it demonstrates that he wants to integrate you into his life. If the bar thing is too much for you, then he is not the one. But what I am suggesting is to look at the big picture. Him going to bars once a week does not indicate he is not serious about you if he is devoted, affectionate, and he integrates you into his life. You perceive this as a threat -- like he may meet another woman -- or that he isn't very serious about you. Neither of those things is rational unless you have other reasons to believe he flirts with women are only views your relationship as casual. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Sungrl - I think you are being insecure and a little controlling. What's the big deal? If you guys have decided you're exclusive, his word should be enough. If it comes out that he's been untrue, you dump his ass stat and move on. If he wanted to cheat, you couldn't stop him, so you might as well relax. It's not about meeting other girls it's about having time away and not losing friendships. A lot of people fall off the face of the earth when they enter a relationship. He's probably just trying not to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 for me--a guy going out to bars every week and saying i need this time is too much for me..so with that, i know i cant compromise b/c i feel that is just an excuse. I dont understand why someone would HAVE to be away from their g/f once a week and go to crowded singles types bars. these are the nights i am talking about--like a guys night that entails whatever they decide to do..a lame bar, a crowded singles type bar where there are young guys and girls, people dancing etc etc You say as long as i know his friends its ok..i dont understand why that would make a difference..and also my b/f knows people he doesnt really call true true friends..its just people u sometimes hang out with when one tries to get everyone together and they arent someone you hang out with every other week..so if he goes to this--i have only met one of them going...and i honestly dont know why this would make a difference b/c i have seen guys friends lie for them just from what i have seen or heard but if you meant their personality...this one friend is single and probably would want to go to a bar where there are lots of girls to look at or who knows maybe even casually mention going to a strip club...he doesnt have anything or anyone holding him back. Then yes, you are being controlling and you are fulled by fear. Fear that he will leave you for someone else. What is "normal" for frequency of these nights differs from person to person and is also effected by age. What he is wanting to do and the info you've given does not indicate a problem. But your motives do. You need to let go of the reins here. If he is going to cheat or leave you for someone else, no amount of getting upset or keeping him from going out is going to prevent your fears. It will, if anything, push him away and make him more likely to do exactly what you fear. Think about the kids that go away to college that had way over protective and controlling parents. They struggle with setting boundaries for themselves. If you pull the reigns in as tight as you seem to want to, every time you or him go out of town you will be a white knuckled mess wondering what he is up to and why isn't he answering your call!?!....things like that. Also when you freak out all the time about this and talk about what single's clubs are for or girls at bars and friends covering for him, you are sending him a loud message. It says: I am inadequit, and I know you will figure that out if you are around other girls. You will cheat and here is how you will do it. No effort you put into this relationship will change my mind or make me realize you might actually care for me, so you are just wasting your time with the whole give and take thing that makes relationships work. I'm just too scared to let you think for yourself and this is just how a relationship has to be for ME. And then he will start to wonder if you're right. Life happens and you can have a great relationship. But first, you have to believe you deserve it. And if you believe this, you won't feel you have to make your partner blind and hidden away for them to believe it too. you also will realize that if the person cheats, they are the one that loses out. They lose you. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Ah.. Sungrl, back again, paranoia intact I see. Four months ago you and your girlfriends literally stalked your boyfriend because he had a clean dress shirt in the back seat of his car. It was something else last month, literally so trivial I can't remember. Now it's an evening a week out with the boys, and of course you can't tolerate that. This time it's different though. Your BF is getting tired of your nonsense. Hopefully he will take the oppertunity to put you on "time out" to smell the freedom. Grow up some Sungrl. You need to let people have some personal space and time, if not, they may just take it. Link to post Share on other sites
ShoeGirl Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 My boyfriend goes out with his guy friends without me quite a bit, at least once a week sometimes two. He has guys night every Thursday where him and his best friend go have beer without their girlfriends. Then once every few weeks a bunch of his friends from high school who all live within a few hours of here all end up in town and they all go out, sometimes I go along and sometimes I decide to go out with my friends. I don't have a problem with it because I trust him and know he's not doing anything behind my back. I could never imagine telling him that he can't have his guys night, if I didn't trust him enough to go out with his friends I wouldn't be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 My boyfriend goes out with his guy friends without me quite a bit, at least once a week sometimes two. He has guys night every Thursday where him and his best friend go have beer without their girlfriends. Then once every few weeks a bunch of his friends from high school who all live within a few hours of here all end up in town and they all go out, sometimes I go along and sometimes I decide to go out with my friends. I don't have a problem with it because I trust him and know he's not doing anything behind my back. I could never imagine telling him that he can't have his guys night, if I didn't trust him enough to go out with his friends I wouldn't be with him. Exactly, anyone worth keeping won't need a leash. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimic Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I would have to say, what are you thinking about? I might be wrong, but in my opinion, give him all the freedom he needs. would you like that he holds you on this kind of leash "you can go out with me but not without me"? Anyways, I have recently been talking about that with a friend of mine, her roomate never goes out because her bf doesn't want her to go out without him. we were saying that that is wrong, it is like keeping her in prison. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 If I were you... I would compromise... If he goes out once a week with boys at a bar... I would do the same thing... girls night out at a bar too... What's good for one is good for the other... That's the only way... If it's only a one-way thing (his) then dump him... NEVER settle for less... I agree with this post as well, everyone needs some breathing room. If it's something you can't handle, then perhaps you both should re-evaluate your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 C'mon man... once we're in a LTR, boys' night is all we got left. Don't take that away from us too. We need to have something to fall back on if and when the relationship goes sour. You may be happy leaving all your friends behind when in a relationship, but not everyone is. Don't make it about what he's up to, just let him have fun with the boys 1 or 2 nights a week. Anything less is uber controlling of you and something to be ashamed of. Link to post Share on other sites
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