My boyfriend's past

[Ladybug313]

Hi everyone.

My boyfriend and I were having a chat a couple days ago and one thing led to another, and he ended up confiding in me about another girl he was seeing while he was dating me. (This was before we made anything official between us, but he had admitted by that time he had strong feelings for me and wanted to see how things went). I would be lying if I said I felt totally ok when I heard this, I was a little bit bothered, because I thought he was focusing on me and only me and it was a little surprising to hear there had been another lady in the picture during the time we were dating, or whatever we were doing. He said he wanted to let me know because he cared for me and not telling would just be baggage on his mind that he didnt want to keep from me.

 

It was also during a time when things weren't so sunny between us, and I had kept some distance from him then. At one point I even told him to leave me alone. He admitted he felt attracted to this other girl during this time, but he told me they ceased contact when she said she was too busy and thus it was over between them. He says they weren't going out at all, so there was nothing to be "over between them"in the first place, she just happened to say it like that. Things between us were getting better and kept getting stronger during this time as well, but he had already gotten close to this other lady so basically he was in touch with her while he was going through this rollercoaster ride with me, and still stayed in touch with her even when things between us finally smoothed out. And soon after that she said bye bye to him. Our relationship kept getting stronger and a few months after all that, we made it official.

 

Although it kind of hurt to hear this news, ( I had no clue at all) I think I should let it go because it wasn't like we were official then and so do you guys agree that he had every right to date around with whoever he wanted, whether or not he was developing feelings for me or not at the time? Or am I being an idiot? He tells me that at this time now the only person he wants is me, and him telling me all this is because he trusts me and loves me and that it's him and me now and that's what matters. I guess what keeps going through my head ( and I really try not to think it, I know it's pointless to do so) is that would things have been different if she hadn't asked him to not contact her anymore?? Did our rollercoaster relationship effect all this?

 

I have been getting different opinions on this. Any opinions from you guys? I do love him very much and I want to show him that I appreciate him telling me and that nothing has changed between us. I just want to know if I may not be doing the right thing though. thanks.

[Tony T]

Just forget it and let it go. I think it was pretty stupid of your guy to tell you about this...I mean, what purpose did it serve except to get you all concerned and worked up.

 

Just move on, put this behind you...it's pretty insignificant in the scope of things...and make the best relationship you can. I guess if he does anything again you can trust him to tell you...that may be a good thing. In the meantime, you have to trust that he'll be loyal.

[NEONINK]

1) You were not married, heck, you were not even "official" .

2) You had asked to be left alone.

 

I'm sure you can list more... Forgiveness is for you, go and have a great life!

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

You basically answered your own questions in your original post, but here's my opinion on the whole matter:

 

It was ok for your boyfriend to still date another person while you were both "dating". You weren't committed exclusively to one another so basically it was whatever goes.

 

The fact that your relationship, before you made it official, was rocky is most likely why your boyfriend was hanging around that other girl. Usually when there are problems among people and we aren't getting what we need from someone, we seek it somewhere else.

 

The fact that things are good between you now and he assures you that you are all he needs, I would believe him. It was a rough time for the two of you and he was just keeping his options open. There's nothing wrong with that. It sounds as though you already know that it's ok though. Things will be fine!

 

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[Bubbles]

Hi,

 

At least he told you the truth, weather it was what you wanted to hear or not. It's been my personal experience that when you ask a fellow to tell you the truth about things "no matter what" if they do decide to tell you the truth - sometimes the truth is brutal!!! But you have to remember, if you accept the truth this time and do not reject him......he will always be honest with you.

 

That's just my opinion, you need to do what makes you happiest first!

 

Good Luck,

 

Bubbles

[Ladybug313]

To those of you who replied, thank you for your helpful comments. But it turns out that I misunderstood our talk BIG time. He wasn't just "dating" her, he was in a RELATIONSHIP with her from February to the end of April/beginning of May. And what he meant by there was "nothing to be over between them in the first place," he meant that the relationship hadn't even gotten strong before she called it off, not that they weren't going out. They WERE going out. i really think this changes the light on things, doesn't it?

 

Ok, so he wasn't exclusive with me. But he did make the decision to be exclusive with her, so wouldn't this be cheating on her with me? So I was the "other woman" yes?

 

After I chose to reconnect with him in March, he contacted me very often, came to visit me, introduced me to his friends and family, yet he was with a girlfriend the whole time since February, both of us being long distance with him when classes were in session.

 

Yes, we had a rocky relationship going, and yes I told him, quite meanly, to quit screwing around with me and get lost in the beginning of February, and so he had every right to pursue whatever relationship he wanted with whoever at the time which he did. Yes, by the time in May I told him I liked him and would consider being with him if he asked to be exclusive, he had already finished things with that girl.

 

But, once I reconnected with him in March, shouldn't he have TOLD me he had a girlfriend, so I knew to back off and let him be and try things out when he was available?

I told him all this, and asked him why he couldn't have just told me. I would have backed off. He told me because he didn't want to lose me and he was so happy I had contacted him...he didn't know why he did what he did, but he knew in his heart he didn't want to lose me and what we had.

 

If he was so into me, then wouldn't he have ended things with this other lady when I got back in touch with him? SHE was the one who called it off, and it was because both of them just "got too busy" to be in touch. He told me he was too busy, she was too busy, nothing bad happened. And he doesn't regret at all that this happened and that he already had forgotten her by the time he realized he was going to commit to me.

 

I know you guys told me to let it go in the original posting, and I was perfectly fine doing that, but this conversation we just had recently really cleared things up and now you can see I had misunderstood what he had told me. Me and my English, not 100%. Argh. I feel the situation is quite different now.

 

He swears he's realized it's me that he wants and he was so damn stupid not to realize that someone like me had been by his side and he couldn't treat me better then, and he's determined as hell to PROVE to me that he loves me and it's only me he sees when he comes home in a month and that he's going to erase any inkling of doubt I have about him, cuz he feels it from me. He is pleading with me to please trust him.

 

Yet. I just don't know anymore. He chose to tell me all this, word for word, because he wanted to start clean with me and he didn't want to hide one thing from me. Ever. But now I feel like I was his backup. He wanted to "take things slow" with me, ok so I told him to get lost, so he goes on to pursue a relationship with the other lady he was dating, I contact him in the midst of it, things don't work out with other lady, and soon after he's asking me to go steady with him. How do I know he won't do this to me? How long was he planning to not tell me if he was still with that lady? Was he being indifferent and waiting around for her to finalize the breakup?

 

I understand that if this keeps eating away at me, I have to break this off. Ultimately the decision is up to me, but I would like some feedback on this. And I just wanted to share that this is actually what happened.

 

Thanks for reading all this. I hope I won't have to think about this again.

happy weekend.