looking for guidance

[Exgirlfriend]

Hi,

Although I'm a newbie and this is my first post, I have been browsing the boards for a couple of days now. I have decided to post my situation to get some guidance. I have no one to talk to and would like to know if I'm doing the right thing.

 

My four year relationship with my boyfriend ended a month ago when he packed his stuff and moved out of my apartment right after a bitter argument we'd had. I can admit that our relationship was stressful, we argued constantly, but never about anything major like cheating. I always thought we'd be together and work things out. He's the kind of guy that doesn't give up easily so I know things must have been pretty bad for him to just leave. I've always been the one that gives up or runs away, and he always wanted to work things out. He is a good guy, and I don't have any mean things to say about him because he was a good boyfriend.

 

When he first left, he said it was temporary that he needed to sort things out. He wouldn't give me a date or wouldn't even promise that he'd be back. About a week later, we talked and got back together but he still was not living with me and said that he couldn't come back right now but that we are together and working things out.

 

Well I guess we both had two definitions of working things out because nothing really changed and I didn't see us working things out as he had stated. His actions spoke louder than his words. While we were supposedly trying to "work things out," we didn't see or talk much since he works nights during the week and was always busy on the weekend, never including me in his activities. When we did see or talk to each other it was always hurried or rushed contact. We didn't go out and do things like couples do. He spent more time with his friends and less with me. We didn't talk about the relationship or what was happening or how to fix it so that he could come back home, no counseling or anything. I was very unsatisfied. So I told him how I felt and he didn't have much reaction which made me angrier and I told him we just needed to separate for good and move on with our lives apart from each other. He said no, but since he loved me, he'd respect my wishes.

 

We have a baby together so although I try to keep our contact casual and practical its very hard. He wants to be friends again he said, and build up back to having a relationship slowly. But no promises or guarantees. Even said if i meet someone I should go for it so I won't think he is holding me back.

 

I really want to be with him but I'm scared to waste any more of my time with him. Does it sound like he really wants me in his life or do I just have issues...lol. He tells me he misses me alot, asks me over and over if I want to be with him but when I say yes he says we need to go back to being friends first and blah blah blah. I need some wisdom or advice please!

 

I'm 24 he's 23. We've been together since 1999, living together since 2001. We had plans to marry and move into a house and have more kids and now those plans are gone and it is crushing me!

[NEONINK]

Why can't you be friends again, and get a responsible babysitter and go out on dates and laugh and cutup?

 

I understand you may feel isolated, but you might want to give him more responsbility with the baby, so that you have some time for yourself as well. And since he wants to be friends so bad, let him start with your child!

 

I know new parents need to get out and feel at least a little free from the burdens and responsbilities. Just remember that you need that as well.

 

If you feel more fulfilled without him, you'll feel more fulfilled with or without him. Try to lighten up some, and you have to get in neutral before you can go forward with this relationship.

 

Also, if he asks you, tell him the truth. If you love him, let him know.

[Exgirlfriend]

Neonink thanks for your input.

 

I didn't want to include us having a child in my post because I knew someone would assume that he wasn't taking care of his responsibility and that's just not the case. Although he didn't have time for me, it's the total opposite as far as the baby is concerned. In fact, he had her Friday-Sunday this past weekend and he is paying support for her that isn't through the courts, just something that we worked out, so he's a great father and that isn't an isssue. The issue is about us as a couple and not him as a father.

 

What you said about the relationship having to be neutral before it goes forward makes since. I guess I just want it all or nothing, and if he doesn't want to be with me right now then I should just be able to accept it and move on-- but there's this in between where he wants us to be friends meaning: we hang out, call each other, act as if nothing ever existed between us and at the same time put my feelings on hold until/whenever he gets his sh*t together. That's too big of a risk to take when feelings are involved and there's no guarantee of a relationship anyway.

 

I guess I'm answering my own questions.

[NEONINK]

That's about ego! I'm in the same situation, btw, in regards to someone wanting a break and take it slow.

 

It's definitely about EGO. The ego says, "How dare you not want ME!". Reality says many things can cause this. It doesn't mean we aren't loved or wanted. Life just has ups and downs. Of course, getting to what the downs are about... That's the key. Mine includes a partner who lost a parent. Your's may be the baby or his feeling 'tied down' or perhaps his ego or perhaps something you've help create since he certainly wanted to know if you loved him or not.

 

I'm reading A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson right now, and I would recommend it. There's a great deal of good information about relationships and these types of problems.