Confused9 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I posted this on the infedility board and really didn't get any answers. I was hopinh some of you can help me. I was with my fiance for 7 years and I feel like we are getting a divorce. Here's my thread! Thanks in advice. As many of you know from reading my threads, after my fiance cheated on me he was VERY VERY mean! Blaming me, telling me he never loved me, saying I was the biggest mistake he ever made, etc. Our relationship was normal and although we fought like a normal couple does...there were no signs that I can remember that he fell out of love with me. Once he cheated he just went off the deep end. He wouldn't talk to me over the phone and most of the communication was done via text message. He just broke up with me saying he kissed another girl and would not answer any questions I had about breaking it off, whether or not he loved me, why he was doing this, etc. He also lied and said it was just a kiss and nothing serious...now he's with her and she's pregnant! He has been away for work 1,000s of miles away so I wasn't in front of him when any of this was happening so he could run around with the OW and I had no way of knowing or finding out. And for the first month...that's what he did. Until, I heard the voicemails...then he came clean about the kiss and said it was over. I have an immediate family that is full of drug addicts, some recovering abd some not, and he even went so far as saying that I only cared about them and that's all I have so good luck with that. I would help them out when they got in trouble and throughout their recovery, like I am sure anyone would...but he NEVER EVER told me he had a problem with it till he was coming up with ways to blame me I guess? He also has a substance abuse problem and I helped him many a times too. Blaming me for trying to help my family made me really believe it was my fault. We were together for 7 years and I never ever doubted that he loved me. He was always telling me how important I was to him and always making sure I knew how proud he was to soon be my husband. Then he just snapped after he cheated and said all this mean and nasty stuff to me. Pulling himself out of our life and away from everyone he once knew. Moving to the state he was working in and basically just starting over. Not only do I need to get over the loss of my relationship, the loss of him in my life, the cheating, the lying, the life I thought I woudl have, but I also need to get over the heartless manner he treated me after he had cheated. Thrwoing me away so fast and blaming me for what he has done. That is the hardest!!! He has not spoken to anyone from back home including his best friend. He won't come back here and part of me believes is he wasn't guilty and regretful he would come home and talk to people and be proud of his new life. I sincerly believe he did not fall out of love with me but wants me to hate him because he can't stand to see the hurt he's caused and that's why he won't come back here and wouldn't even call me during this whole thing and was mean. BUT, he is running around with the OW beginning their life together, so who knows? He told me she is pregnat and I am not sure if that's true...because he's lied about a lot of stuff but I need to believe it's true, even if I don't want to. I am in full NC besides the fact I loook on his myspace page where I can see his quotes becasue the rest is private and he continues to post mean thins on there. I think he is trying to get a rise out of me and get to me to contact him because I ignored his text message a few weeks ago and he knows I look at his page and early on in this told me he posts things to get back at me??!?!? and apologized saying he woudln't do it anymore. He told me that he was mean becasue he wants to help me get over him and he can't stand the pain he's caused me. Then he says I won't do it anymore but then he does. IT just doesn't make any sense. When he came home to visit in October he treated me like crap but when he was out wiht some people form our town he walked around with tears in his eyes saying how much he loves me and couldn't believe he hurt me like he did. Saying, he messed up and will never forgive himself and saying how much he loved me. Then to me...he was an @ss. I just can't understand the meanness. Taht hurts the worst. I know I have posted about this before, but I just need advice on why he could be doing it/ did it and how to get through it. I know I need to STOP looking at his myspace. But, what else can I do? I love this man and he ruined our relationship but it sometimes feels like I did or at least he thinks I did. He is acting as if I am the one who cheated. It makes me so sad to realize that I never meant anything to him. I meant..if I did...he wouldn't be so effing mean, right? I just can't deal with that. The words just play over in my head and it stings so bad. Let me just add that my father left me when I was really young and was always an @sshole and treated me like poop. My x was really really upset about this and promised to never hurt me like my father did. He worked through a lot of walls to get me to realize how much I meant to him. He knows how much hurt I've had in my life and I think part of him can't live with being just another person in my life to hurt and disapoint me. Could this be why he left so quickly and was mean? I don't know!!! Any advice would be great!!! Thanks! confused9 Link to post Share on other sites
jesslindy Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 You probably already know all this in some form or fashion. There is obviously something broken inside this man. Yes, he did and does love you. But so what. He's treating you this way because he knows he screwed up, and has nothing left but anger. He has to try to make you feel as bad as he does inside. Even if it doesn't seem like he's hurt, he is. But he's probably like most people is just an emotional baby, and has no idea how to handle it. Guilt is taking over him, and instead of learning to repent, or to deal with the penance of his situation, he treats you badly. It's his defense. He is an emotional POS. Thats it. As far as the comments that your relationship was always bad, and he never loved you. Thats just his way of making himself feel better about doing what he has done. Most cheaters paint the entire relationship with a black brush to covince themselves they have done the right thing. It hides their pain. They know they suck and will always suck. His life will be dark, and hard. Let him live with that. He deserves whatever his life brings him as long as he never rises to his potential as a human being. Use your anger from this situation to emotionally disconnect from him and youll be fine. He is not worth your thoughts. Move on. Be the best you can be. He will suffer. Remember that and you'll be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused9 Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 Thank you! I apprecaite your words. I am trying to make this situation a positive one...right now it's just hard! I really really apprecaite you taking time to read my post and answer it. I feel so lost! Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Distance, meanness, coldness and hostility is a typical reaction of a cheater. Don't forget, you had love, trust and commitment which he destroyed by his actions. He knows he did wrong and that is why he redirected the anger towards you. If he comes back begging when his bubble bursts, don't take him back. Imagine if you had kids with this guy and he cheated on you. You will be forced to have to deal with him whilst divorced for many years because of the children. Cut your losses and let him go. Once a cheater, always a cheater. You deserve a man who will love and be loyal to you. Take care Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused9 Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 Thanks Nomad. I don't think he's ever coming back. He hasn't tried to contact me for almost a month...and I have been NC for a month and a half. He's playing silly myspace games but that's it. I think he's totally moved on. He is with the OW and that's that. I am just so sad about what we have become. Its hard to realize that we are over. It all happened so fast. You're right I am lucky that we don't have children, but, right now...I just feel so UNLUCKY. I am alone and he has her...he gets the best of both worlds. She...she is in for a treat when the true him comes out. It doesn't make it any easier for me though. I miss him SO BAD! Link to post Share on other sites
PinkRibbon Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Smile Confused9. I understand exactly how you feel. Our ex's went to the same school of "How to be an ahole in 10 easy lessons". I don't think we will ever understand their meaness. The hard part is not caring anymore. I cry almost everyday thinking about this but one day it will get better for the both of us. I am almost at the point I am afraid to talk to him because I don't want to be yelled at or put down or told how horrible I am or our marriage. I want to remember our relationship as something good. A bunny hug because I know the feeling all too well. I love him and want him back but like I said this puppy has been kicked too many times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused9 Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 Thanks PR. I know you are hurting. I am glad the two of us can help one another. I post on your threads...you post on mine...even though we are both hurting...we are being helpful to each other. Thank god for LS, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
PinkRibbon Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 I am really glad I found this site. It has been a wonderful place to come and settle my nerves. Hey BTW Confused9 my stbx husband emailed today about a piece of mail. Said what do I want him to do with mail that may come for me. Dawg he hasn't emailed me in a month or talked to me in a month and all I get is what do you want me to do with this piece of mail. I told him about 2 months ago if anything comes in the meantime just toss it. Guess he didn't remember that. What I felt like saying was shove it somewhere obscene and have his new girlfriend fish it out.. hehehehe that is so evil but I didn't... I didn't answer at all. I just stared at it for about 10 mins then said well hell I am not going to answer. I imagine he will get the picture....mental visions floating his way.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused9 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Share Posted January 10, 2008 Good for you for not responding. I wonder if there is even any mail? I wonder if that was just his way of seeing if u would respond. An ego boost or something. Delete it...don't respond!!! Link to post Share on other sites
PinkRibbon Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 I will delete it tomorrow at work. Maybe an ego boost? But after the slip to the repair man giving him my number maybe he is thinking a bit about me. Who knows and guess what...who cares right now. I went shopping and bought a completely new SEXY outfit and I feel pretty darn good right now. The winds of change are coming around soon. As long as I don't see him with his girlfriend at work I am fine. P.S. I still love him and miss him Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused9 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Share Posted January 10, 2008 Good for you. Wish things were different for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 You're looking for answers and solutions that you're probally are never going to find? I've been divorced for eighteen years ~ and to this day? I still don't fully comprehend and understand why I'm divorced? Got something about being a "work-a-holic" (I was in the freaking Marines at Parris Island!) and that I had to "change" without the list of changes that I had to make? Good enough reason to go out and cheat as any I guess? Learned how to be single and alone ~ and by myself ~ comfortable in my own space, my own place, and in my own skin. I've got someone in my life? GREAT! I don't have someone in my life? GREAT! Dgirl? She gets it! LadyJane ~ she gets it! MzPixie ~ she gets it! Dropdeadlegs ~ she gets it! Melevator? ~ she gets it! dMargel ~ He gets it! As do so many others! What's it? "Most people are about as Happy as they make their minds up to be!" Link to post Share on other sites
PinkRibbon Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 I deleted the email. Whew that was hard but it will be worth it in the long run. I just can't see the long run right now... Link to post Share on other sites
joybean72 Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Confused, I am in the same boat as you. I don't think I will ever understand it either. All I can tell ya is try to be strong. I just joined this site the other day. Another good one is DailyStrength.org It really has helped a lot to talk to other people who are going through the same crap. No one should have to go through this.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused9 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 Thanks joybean...I will look at that one too. I wish you strenght and happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
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