hearingweddingbells Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 We have a 6 month old together and I let him know when we where pregnant that I want to married before our son was 1 year. He keeps saying that he want to make sure we have the wedding we want because you only do it once. I agree with him there, however I believe that we could do a fairly cheap nice wedding that is perfect for the two of us. I try not to talk about it because he says I am ruining the element of surprise when I do but I want him to get it in his head that I don't need a huge wedding. At the same rate he is fine to put a 61" tv on credit but not an engagement ring because he wants to pay for the ring in cash. That to me sounds like he is putting the things he wants ahead of my wants. He also has a car that he is finishing that he will need to spend about 2-3 thousand on to get on the road for the summer. I keep telling him we need to stop spending on stupid stuff like paint for the house,video games, xbox 360, the big screen tv and other material things. He continues to keep spending foolishly. I do benefit from some of the things he buys (the paint for the house). I don't want to do the ultimatum because that will make thing worse. I do love him more than anything(I had a child with him) but I do not want to put the thing that matter to me off for the things that matter to him. I started travelling two years before I got pregnant and didn't get to go this year but was dealing with that because I thought we would be getting married soon and be going on a honeymoon anyways. That won't happen for another two years or longer I feel like. Anyways sorry this is so long but I need to vent somewhere because this is very hurtful:( Hope to get some in put soon. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
OTgirl Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Maybe he's afraid of all the responsibilities that go along with being a parent now that your child is born? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hearingweddingbells Posted January 11, 2008 Author Share Posted January 11, 2008 He could be afraid alittle because he has most of the financial responsability since I am on mat leave. I feel like he is just putting other thing ahead of me and OUR family. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 and what will a piece of paper change? His priorities will still be the car, tv, x-box......... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Here is some guy logic: A 61 inch TV will provide entertainment for the two of you for years to come. An extra car will bring transportation for the two of your for years to come. Paint for the house makes your home look better for years to come. Video games and Xbox bring him entertainment for years to come. These are things that he sees as investments to make your home more comfortable and the 'luxuries' are nice to have for years to come. You see these as 'foolish expenditures'. Now... An engagement ring is an investment, but for what? You are the only one who will wear it, and 9/10 people will never glance twice at it. A wedding is an investment, but for what? You spend all that money for one day, with a few gifts to show for it. A honeymoon is fun, but what do you have to show for time off and money spent? What are these investments for? Will an engagement ring or a one time affair add to your home for years to come? Can you entertain guests with them? Can you curl up in front of them together and watch something? Are they something that will add to the value of your home or your property? He sees these as 'foolish expenditures'. See what I'm getting at? I don't think he's being a d*ck, I think he's probably just looking at it a tad logically and you are looking at it a tad emotionally. I would bet that in his mind, a ring/wedding/honeymoon would be just a formality since in his heart/mind he is already with you for life, and he is gathering stuff for your life together. Perhaps he is thinking that you don't want marriage, you want the ring/wedding/honeymoon. What if he proposed taking you to the justice of the peace and making it legal? Would you still want to be with him? The outcome is the same, right? Have you tried talking to him about how you feel instead of 'telling' him how it should be? You can't convince a person to see things from your point of view if you do it over emotionally (ie: he will see it as nagging). For him to even consider your point, you have to be willing to take a logical look at his too. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 I don't think he's being a d*ck, I think he's probably just looking at it a tad logically and you are looking at it a tad emotionally. I would bet that in his mind, a ring/wedding/honeymoon would be just a formality since in his heart/mind he is already with you for life, and he is gathering stuff for your life together. I DO think he's being a d*ck! He's spending on what he want to make sure he has it on the off-chance he can't afford to indulge himself once the reality of a committed relationship, i.e. marriage, as well as a child sets in. Logic be damned. He's getting the toys he wants now, putting himself first and I doubt very much he's considering what the mother of his child wants and needs on an emotional level. I do think he's being selfish! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 Selfish or logical, I would bet that is how he is thinking and there is no way to get through to him unless she understands how he thinks about it. Now, I didn't say she should accept how he thinks or what he is doing, but she will get a lot farther with him if she at least tries to acknowledge his point of view in an effort to get her point of view across. Simply telling him that he is wrong in a variety of tearful or angry ways is not going to result in anything but resentment and anger in reaction to how she is getting her point across. Some people think that the whole big wedding/big ring/big honeymoon thing is a waste of money. Some think that it is essential for a life together. There has to be a compromise in there somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 Some people think that the whole big wedding/big ring/big honeymoon thing is a waste of money. Some think that it is essential for a life together. There has to be a compromise in there somewhere. For some (the ex comes to mind) it's all show and no go! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 It is quite possible that he has become a bit fearful of the 'whole deal' now that Baby is here -- his own spending may be to (subconsciously) sabotage his own BIG wedding plans. The subsequent lack of 'wedding money' could just become his "I'm sorry, we can't right now because" excuse. For the long-term, it would be about helping him see that his reality is that he is ALREADY a dad and basically functioning well in role of husband -- he doesn't have to worry about all-of-a-sudden NOT being adequate or not being able to handle it or whatever is his specific fear -- HE IS ALREADY being and doing whatever he may be scared of. Another option is to have a very small and simple civil ceremony now, because it is what you want and need; and wait for his big shindig whenever he feels it's in the budget to go ahead with that. (It could be on the 1st or 10th anniversary of a civil ceremony, or however HE wants to play that end of things.) Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 He keeps saying that he want to make sure we have the wedding we want because you only do it once. I agree with him there, however I believe that we could do a fairly cheap nice wedding that is perfect for the two of us So write down what kind of wedding you want, put a budget together, and give it to him. Show him that it doesn't have to cost as much as he thinks it should. Maybe you two don't really know what kind of wedding you each wants, or don't actually agree on it. But I agree - he's being selfish and buying toys instead of making plans for your future together. Is his problem the wedding or actually getting married? Maybe he's delaying this because he really doesn't want to get married yet. Have you told him how hurt you are that he is delaying your marriage just so he can afford tv's and things? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hearingweddingbells Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 Here is some guy logic: A 61 inch TV will provide entertainment for the two of you for years to come. An extra car will bring transportation for the two of your for years to come. Paint for the house makes your home look better for years to come. Video games and Xbox bring him entertainment for years to come. These are things that he sees as investments to make your home more comfortable and the 'luxuries' are nice to have for years to come. You see these as 'foolish expenditures'. I would have been fine with the 36 inch we had already. We have been entertained by it for years already! An extra car???? NO that is HIS 600 horse power car that is only for him to drive and HAVE FUN WITH!! Paint I agree. The video games are his enjoyment but why can't I have the trip that I want once a year? It does not matter what item the money is spent on or how long it lasts, it's what is important in each persons eyes. He has his enjoyments and I have mine but because he make the money I don't get the things I want because I personally can not afford them. I don't think thats fair. He sees those items as investments. What about investing in his future wife? The one who supports him in everything he does and is trying to do. Those Items don't matter to me. My FAMILY matters to me. Material things can disappear,be blown away or stop working, a family never will disappear,be blown away or stop working UNLESS all members don't feel equally intitled to say what the money(regardless of who earns it) gets spent on. Am I being a B*tch to want all of these things????? Or is he being a D*ck???? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hearingweddingbells Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 Yes he knows how hurt I am about this and all the other financial challanges. We are trying to figure things out. It is alot more difficult with a 6 month old in the mix to be working this stuff out. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 ...but because he make the money I don't get the things I want ... What about investing in his future wife? The one who supports him in everything he does and is trying to do. I am withdrawing my earlier post. There are much deeper issues going on here. No matter the reason or excuse, it may be a very good idea to postpone any definite wedding plans. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hearingweddingbells Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 Selfish or logical, I would bet that is how he is thinking and there is no way to get through to him unless she understands how he thinks about it. Now, I didn't say she should accept how he thinks or what he is doing, but she will get a lot farther with him if she at least tries to acknowledge his point of view in an effort to get her point of view across. Simply telling him that he is wrong in a variety of tearful or angry ways is not going to result in anything but resentment and anger in reaction to how she is getting her point across. Some people think that the whole big wedding/big ring/big honeymoon thing is a waste of money. Some think that it is essential for a life together. There has to be a compromise in there somewhere. I find it very hard not to come across angry and resentful because the longer he waits the more hurt and angry I get. Then are you saying maybe he is becoming angry and resentful aswell????? I am mostly embarassed to say "MY BOYFRIEND" when I have our son right there I feel like LESS of a women. Like I was not worthy of marriage. Or even worse that I am a single mom who doesn't care about having 2 parents to raise a child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hearingweddingbells Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 I am withdrawing my earlier post. There are much deeper issues going on here. No matter the reason or excuse, it may be a very good idea to postpone any definite wedding plans. What should I do then? Just say F*uck it? Because our minds are set that we are staying together to raise our child anyways. So why put off plans when we can work on issues throughout everything? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 I find it very hard not to come across angry and resentful because the longer he waits the more hurt and angry I get. Then are you saying maybe he is becoming angry and resentful aswell????? I am mostly embarassed to say "MY BOYFRIEND" when I have our son right there I feel like LESS of a women. Like I was not worthy of marriage. Or even worse that I am a single mom who doesn't care about having 2 parents to raise a child. I think you two should seek some premarital counseling before you make the step to get married. There's no need to be embarrassed! You're the only one who is creating those thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 [ quote=LucreziaBorgia;1489565]Here is some guy logic: A 61 inch TV will provide entertainment for the two of you for years to come. An extra car will bring transportation for the two of your for years to come. Paint for the house makes your home look better for years to come. Video games and Xbox bring him entertainment for years to come. These are things that he sees as investments to make your home more comfortable and the 'luxuries' are nice to have for years to come. You see these as 'foolish expenditures'. Now... An engagement ring is an investment, but for what? You are the only one who will wear it, and 9/10 people will never glance twice at it. A wedding is an investment, but for what? You spend all that money for one day, with a few gifts to show for it. A honeymoon is fun, but what do you have to show for time off and money spent? What are these investments for? Will an engagement ring or a one time affair add to your home for years to come? Can you entertain guests with them? Can you curl up in front of them together and watch something? Are they something that will add to the value of your home or your property? He sees these as 'foolish expenditures'. See what I'm getting at? I don't think he's being a d*ck, I think he's probably just looking at it a tad logically and you are looking at it a tad emotionally. I would bet that in his mind, a ring/wedding/honeymoon would be just a formality since in his heart/mind he is already with you for life, and he is gathering stuff for your life together. Perhaps he is thinking that you don't want marriage, you want the ring/wedding/honeymoon. What if he proposed taking you to the justice of the peace and making it legal? Would you still want to be with him? The outcome is the same, right? Have you tried talking to him about how you feel instead of 'telling' him how it should be? You can't convince a person to see things from your point of view if you do it over emotionally (ie: he will see it as nagging). For him to even consider your point, you have to be willing to take a logical look at his too. I absolutely agree with this. At this point who needs a wedding anyway? You are already with a kid you just need to make it legal. Why not go to the justice of the piece and get married at this point? I can't see you two spending a lot of money or rings either. Save that money for the baby. Link to post Share on other sites
InferiorityComplex Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I am in the boat that I wait every single day for my boyfriend to propose to me, with or without a ring. Because I love him. On the other hand, we have a house, our baby (a cat named Tiger), and we are happier than ever. So we don't need a piece of paper to say we are legally binding...though it would still be nice. However, I find it a tad irresponsible of both of you to want and to be spending your money lavishly. You have a child now, so there is absolutely no reason you should be spending that money on a wedding ceremony. That can wait. If it's so important to get married, then maybe you should just go to the justice of the peace or something, and have family come over for a celebration party. You guys don't need wedding gifts because you've already built a life together, and a family. And taking a honeymoon or any kind of trip when your child is so young is also irresponsible in my eyes. Being gone for even a full day is traumatic to a baby. They don't know where you went, or if you are ever coming back. On the other hand, he should not be spending money at all either. It should all be invested in the bank. Because in the event something happens (which medical issues are far more likely with a baby) you need to have that slush fund available. What if he lost his job? Would you guys be royally screwed? Maybe this is just the point of view of a 20 year old, but I think that you both are going about this situation the wrong way. All that matters is that baby. Not a marriage, not tv...just a happy, and healthy baby. I agree with other posters...perhaps you guys need to re-examine your relationship and get some pre-marital counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I kind of agree with having a small ceremony at this point. The cart has already been put before the horse. I also agree that he's putting off the whole marriage idea. Stalling for time and being selfish. You'll need to be agressive and put together a plan for saving money and having the ceremony. Then, he'll have to agree to it or make reasonable changes to it. Then, he'll have to stick to it. If not, leave and go after child support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hearingweddingbells Posted January 21, 2008 Author Share Posted January 21, 2008 I am in the boat that I wait every single day for my boyfriend to propose to me, with or without a ring. Because I love him. On the other hand, we have a house, our baby (a cat named Tiger), and we are happier than ever. So we don't need a piece of paper to say we are legally binding...though it would still be nice. However, I find it a tad irresponsible of both of you to want and to be spending your money lavishly. You have a child now, so there is absolutely no reason you should be spending that money on a wedding ceremony. That can wait. If it's so important to get married, then maybe you should just go to the justice of the peace or something, and have family come over for a celebration party. You guys don't need wedding gifts because you've already built a life together, and a family. And taking a honeymoon or any kind of trip when your child is so young is also irresponsible in my eyes. Being gone for even a full day is traumatic to a baby. They don't know where you went, or if you are ever coming back. On the other hand, he should not be spending money at all either. It should all be invested in the bank. Because in the event something happens (which medical issues are far more likely with a baby) you need to have that slush fund available. What if he lost his job? Would you guys be royally screwed? Maybe this is just the point of view of a 20 year old, but I think that you both are going about this situation the wrong way. All that matters is that baby. Not a marriage, not tv...just a happy, and healthy baby. I agree with other posters...perhaps you guys need to re-examine your relationship and get some pre-marital counseling. First of all we are great parents, our son has the best of everything and NEVER goes without. We already have a college fund set up and my boyfriend could have a job the day after he lost his job, if that ever happened he is the BEST at what he does! We live in CANADA which means we have health coverage. I also have a job that I have benefits at. So those are not issues!! We both knew we WANTED a wedding. I don't think that just because we have a child we should not get married. If anything it is more of a reason. I want my child to respect the union of marriage, SO it is NOT irresponsible. There is a ton of logic. We have an awesome relationship. There are things we need to work on, JUST LIKE EVERY COUPLE OUT THERE. We just had a child before we discussed any of these things so it makes things a tad bit more complicated. I did not come on here to be made out as a bad parent or to be told our relationship is crap. I appreciate the positive advice but I do believe that some of your views are that of a 20 year old as you said. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 I don't think anyone here said you were a bad parent. No one said you shouldn't get married either we just said why do you need a wedding at this point, why not just go get married and save the money for the baby. If money is not an issue for you two then of course do what you want. I'm not sure what you wanted from us. Link to post Share on other sites
InferiorityComplex Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 I was neither calling you a bad parent nor was I saying that your relationship is in trouble. I was simply saying that I believe once two people have children, then there should be no reason to have a nice dream wedding. I'm not saying that it's shouldn't happen, in fact I think it would be a great way to renew vows at a later time when the kids are grown or at least much older. I don't see what the issue would be with just going to the courthouse and getting married there? As I said, you can have a big reception party afterwards. You guys are as close to being married as you can get...so if you need the piece of paper then I'd say that's your easiest and cheapest option. And yes I was saying that I was a 20 year old...and that it was my opinion, but that in no way makes me less intelligent or irrational by any means. I am young, but I know so many people my age that had a baby before marriage and had to come to the decision on what to do about it. In some cases their parents paid for it, in others they went ahead and got married, but a majority of them are still not married. You ask for advice and rip on those that give you an honest opinion, that doesn't seem very nice...and though it may not have been your intent that's how you made me feel and thank you to the poster that defended me. Link to post Share on other sites
oyster Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 We have a 6 month old together and I let him know when we where pregnant that I want to married before our son was 1 year. He keeps saying that he want to make sure we have the wedding we want because you only do it once. I agree with him there, however I believe that we could do a fairly cheap nice wedding that is perfect for the two of us. I try not to talk about it because he says I am ruining the element of surprise when I do but I want him to get it in his head that I don't need a huge wedding. At the same rate he is fine to put a 61" tv on credit but not an engagement ring because he wants to pay for the ring in cash. That to me sounds like he is putting the things he wants ahead of my wants. He also has a car that he is finishing that he will need to spend about 2-3 thousand on to get on the road for the summer. I keep telling him we need to stop spending on stupid stuff like paint for the house,video games, xbox 360, the big screen tv and other material things. He continues to keep spending foolishly. I do benefit from some of the things he buys (the paint for the house). I don't want to do the ultimatum because that will make thing worse. I do love him more than anything(I had a child with him) but I do not want to put the thing that matter to me off for the things that matter to him. I started travelling two years before I got pregnant and didn't get to go this year but was dealing with that because I thought we would be getting married soon and be going on a honeymoon anyways. That won't happen for another two years or longer I feel like. Anyways sorry this is so long but I need to vent somewhere because this is very hurtful:( Hope to get some in put soon. Thanks your spouse is a carbon copy of myself!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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