If your MM left/divorced his wife TODAY.....

[DarkBlue]

and asked you to marry him, would you? Do you love your MM enough to want to be his W? Do you think you can stand being with him every night? How many of you actually want to have a real relationship with the MM?

 

 

 

 

 

Since I asked, I might as well answer.....

 

I sure would in a heart beat. I love him enough to want to be his W and cook for him. I have been practicing it for sometime now, I know I would love to have him every night. I want a real relationship and not just occassional banging.

 

 

Yes, In a heart beat too...

 

It would be a dream come true.

 

I know he would be faithful too becaue we haven't actually physically done anything except kiss once or twice. We've just been close friends for the most part with an obvious attraction to each other that's not easy to hide. Constantly other people would notice and stick their nose in it asking questions so I started initiating little bouts of NC to make sure things stayed friends and so others would leave us alone about being friends. To know he would go through a divorce before moving on, would make me feel safe. If we had started stuff while he was still in the marriage I'd always worry he could do the same thing to me... but if he told me now he's getting divorced because he wants to be with me.... *swoon*

Edited January 10, 2008 by DarkBlue

[frannie]

and asked you to marry him, would you? Do you love your MM enough to want to be his W? Do you think you can stand being with him every night? How many of you actually want to have a real relationship with the MM?

 

Like a few others on this thread I've already had experience of spending days and night in a row with MM, so I know we'd get on just fine.

 

If he left today and asked me to marry him I'd say hey slow down! I'd want him to be out of the house and set up on his own, managing his life, remembering who he is as a single person, and developing a renewed strong relationship with his children after the divorce. I'd want to know that he wasn't going to go back, that he was certain about his decision, and that it wasn't made in order to run into my arms, but for good, solid reasons.

 

I don't have any fears that he'd cheat on me, or no more than I would with any other man. I know the reasons he cheated, and it's not been a bundle of laughs for him, so I don't see why he'd be wanting to do it again. Besides which, I'm arrogant or naive enough to think that I'd not allow a relationship with him to get to the point where he would even consider cheating. He'd have no 'excuses', and he knows my view on cheating and that if he ever did it, he would lose me forever.

 

So... given time for all this to happen, and our relationship to develop with him as a free, single man, then yes, I believe from what I know of him now I'd be saying 'yes' if these things actually came to pass

 

And now, back to reality lol

[Owl]

BUT I think I would try the common-law thing with only one of my MM.. the youngest one.. he's a lot of fun... plus he works 90 hours a week... he wouldn't get into my 'personal bubble' that much.

 

So, would you end your relationships with your OTHER MM if this happened?

[Lizzie60]

So, would you end your relationships with your OTHER MM if this happened?

 

Yes I would... but I know this won't happen (with him anyway) it was only a scenario...

 

If I ever find a man I want to be with, yes I will stop everything... As I said before I have never cheated on my partner...

 

I left when I was ready to move on.

 

It's all about what I want... Right now I am satisfied with what I have...

 

We cannot predict what the future has in store for us.. right?

 

We can never say never...

[Owl]

We can never say never...

 

I don't know.

 

I often have no control over the circumstances in my life.

 

But I DO have control over how I choose to respond to them.

[Lyssa]

and asked you to marry him, would you? Do you love your MM enough to want to be his W? Do you think you can stand being with him every night? How many of you actually want to have a real relationship with the MM?

 

He is divorced now and relocating to my side of the world. I do love him enough to want to be his W and yes, I can stand being with him every day and night! But I want to take it one day at a time.... there's no need to rush.

[CAT100]

Yes, I would marry my MM right now, if he asked me.

We've been together 5.5 years and for about the last 3-4 we have been talking about being together properly.

For me, I wouldnt see the point of being in this situation unless there was a goal at the end of it, to be his main partner & then his W.

[Owl]

Cat-

 

What you say makes sense. No point in being in the relationship unless there's a goal to it. And there's no point in having a goal if you don't have a plan to get to that goal, and are working that plan to get to the goal.

 

Does your MM have a plan as well as a goal? Is he truly working that plan? Why is that plan taking 5 and a half years and its still not implemented into a goal?

[OWoman]

No point in being in the relationship unless there's a goal to it.

 

I so don't agree with this. I have Rs because I enjoy being with the people, not because I want to marry them or have their babies or live in suburban bliss with them.

 

It's the journey, not the destination.

[frannie]

I so don't agree with this. I have Rs because I enjoy being with the people, not because I want to marry them or have their babies or live in suburban bliss with them.

 

It's the journey, not the destination.

 

Good point.

 

But what if the 'journey' is an affair?

 

Is that OK?

 

But this is the kind of thing I want to discuss on my new thread

[Lizzie60]

Good point.

 

But what if the 'journey' is an affair?

 

Is that OK?

 

But this is the kind of thing I want to discuss on my new thread

 

I say it doesn't make any difference .. the A is the journey...

[frannie]

I say it doesn't make any difference .. the A is the journey...

 

Yeah I know you would say that lol

 

:bunny:

[Owl]

I can see your point about the R being the journey.

 

But every journey should have a destination, even if its not one you believe you'll reach. Otherwise its not a journey...you're just wandering aimlessly.

 

Being 'with' someone can be a goal in a way.

 

But every healthy relationship should grow in some fashion. Just like every healthy relationship requires care/feeding/maintenance to remain healthy.

 

Normally, I'm pretty good at putting myself in someone else's shoes, and seeing a situation from their angle. I 'get' most of the OP's points of view here, even if I don't agree with them. I can see that Lizzie is good with the 'journey'...she wants no more than she already has...she's 'reached her goal'. But I also still don't know if I truly consider her an OW with anyone but her "young MM". The rest sound more like customers than relationships...from my outside perspective.

 

We all have different points of view. I can see the "journey" concept...but that still implies some kind of movement...forging ahead. I don't see that in a relationship that's really just staged 'in the here and now'.

[OWoman]

I can see your point about the R being the journey.

 

But every journey should have a destination, even if its not one you believe you'll reach. Otherwise its not a journey...you're just wandering aimlessly.

 

Being 'with' someone can be a goal in a way.

 

But every healthy relationship should grow in some fashion. Just like every healthy relationship requires care/feeding/maintenance to remain healthy.

 

Wandering aimlessly can also be a journey. It involves movement, which is what a journey is. I've gone on wonderful journeys like that in my youth - a bunch of friends hitchhiking and seeing where we land up, who we'll meet and what we'll learn.

 

I agree with you on the growth issue - which I suppose is the same as the movement issue. If you're growing and moving, you're living. If you're static and stagnating, your journey has stalled and you need to get out and push!

[frannie]

Normally, I'm pretty good at putting myself in someone else's shoes, and seeing a situation from their angle. I 'get' most of the OP's points of view here, even if I don't agree with them.

 

We all have different points of view. I can see the "journey" concept...but that still implies some kind of movement...forging ahead. I don't see that in a relationship that's really just staged 'in the here and now'.

 

Owl, do you also 'get' any of the WS points of view... not that there are many directly posted. Do you always think the MP is in the wrong, should turn again to their spouse and try again..?

[CAT100]

I so don't agree with this. I have Rs because I enjoy being with the people, not because I want to marry them or have their babies or live in suburban bliss with them.

 

It's the journey, not the destination.

 

What I meant is that an affair is really painful (if you love the MM, that is) its not a 'normal' relationship. And so to endure the bad times, you have to really really love the MM & want to be with them properly. If not, then why bother with the heartache & why not just date a single guy??

[CAT100]

Cat-

 

 

Does your MM have a plan as well as a goal? Is he truly working that plan? Why is that plan taking 5 and a half years and its still not implemented into a goal?

 

Its taking a while mainly due to

 

1) Im a student & do not have my own house so cannot simply ask him to 'move in'

2) He is only just getting back on his feet financially as he nearly went bankrupt a few years ago

 

And so the basic practicality of lack of finances means its difficult for him to move out- where would he live? With me & my parents? LOL

We have got stuff going on now which means we should be in a much better financial position by the summer. That is also his deadline to either be with me or not. I cant handle it much longer- this year is make or break year

[precious1357]

and asked you to marry him, would you? Do you love your MM enough to want to be his W? Do you think you can stand being with him every night? How many of you actually want to have a real relationship with the MM?

 

 

 

 

 

Since I asked, I might as well answer.....

 

I sure would in a heart beat. I love him enough to want to be his W and cook for him. I have been practicing it for sometime now, I know I would love to have him every night. I want a real relationship and not just occassional banging.

YES, IN A BLINK OF AN EYE! i LOVE HIM AND I WANT TO BE MARRIED TO HIM. YES, YES, YES

[Owl]

Owl, do you also 'get' any of the WS points of view... not that there are many directly posted. Do you always think the MP is in the wrong, should turn again to their spouse and try again..?

 

Well, there are a couple of WS pov's, just like there are OP's.

 

Some serial cheaters honestly focus only on their own wants...I'd go so far to say that often these people would be considered narssicistic.

 

Some WS's don't see any way to fix their marriage, and see this as their only 'way out'.

 

Some don't have good 'boundaries'...and find themselves engaged in an affair without any real 'intent' up front.

 

Do I think the MP is always in the wrong? For having an affair...yes. I truly feel that there is no excuse for cheating. If they were that unhappy, they should have left the marriage. There is ALWAYS a way...often its just not the way that the WS wants.

 

Do I think that all WS's should try to fix the marriage first? The majority of the time, yes, they should. Because I've seen that often when they start in the affair, their perceptions of the marriage change...AS A RESULT OF THE AFFAIR. They start ONLY seeing the negative aspects of the marriage. Bluntly, as a result of the affair, they're no longer good judges of what the marriage was prior to the affair. They've mentally re-written their marital history.

 

Are all marriages worth saving? No. But that determination should be made by both parties, and after all reasonable attempts to fix the problems have been made first.

[OWoman]

Are all marriages worth saving? No. But that determination should be made by both parties, and after all reasonable attempts to fix the problems have been made first.

 

Owl I can't agree with that! In abusive marriages, the abuser is unlikely to want either to fix the problem or to abandon the marriage, and to assume then that some rational joint decision making between abuser and abused is possible and likely to lead to a constructive resolution ignores the power dynamic that has built up over time. I've seen far too many people beaten to within in an inch of their lives trying to "fix" abusive relationships.

 

I know you said "reasonable attempts" but I honestly don't think that in an abusive situation reason is equally possible by both parties. I think it's perfectly valid AND LAUDABLE for an abused party to decide they've had enough, and to walk away, from the abuse, rather than trying to negotiate a fix from a position of weakness (or even physical danger).

[reboot]

Abusive marriages are always an exception to any rule.

[Cobra_X30]

Abusive marriages are always an exception to any rule.

 

Define your terms!

 

I dont get what I want every time I ask. Thats emotional abuse right?

[marlena]

No, I don't think I would. Too much happened and I lost respect for him. Plus, I'd have to be mad to want to deal with his psycho wife!!!

[reboot]

Define your terms!

 

I dont get what I want every time I ask. Thats emotional abuse right?

No, I meant real abuse. Physical abuse, drug addiction, etc. You know better.

 

(But I assume that was just some sarcasm on your part. )

[Owl]

I agree...an abusive situation is NOT a 'normal marriage'. The same rules don't apply.

 

Did he feel it was abusive before he started the affair, or did he decide it was abusive AFTER he'd already become involved with someone else? Do others outside of the marriage (and the affair) also feel it could be an abusive relationship?

 

Again, remember what I said about perceptions. He began re-writing marital history the moment the affair began...or even as things began leading up to it. He's not a good judge at this point of what his marriage was like before. And given your involvement with him, neither are you. His spouse clearly can't be considered an accurate source either, if she is responsible for being an abuser. So how do you 'prove' its an abusive marriage at this point? What do the kids who live in the home say? They'd be the only other people close enough to the situation to be able to see the abuse.

 

Otherwise all you've got are two distinctly disparate views that you can't possibly reconcile to a truth with.

 

My wife, while in her affair...was convinced she "hadn't been happy in years!". I asked her for concrete examples of her unhappiness. What specific things was she unhappy with all that time? When did she tell me? What did she do to help fix the problem?

 

She couldn't come up with one thing more than a year old. She claimed she'd been bottling up that unhappy all those years...but couldn't show me any point at any time when she was unhappy with something, couldn't show any actions that she'd taken to tell me or fix the problem.

 

During counseling, it went from "not happy for years" to "not happy for the last few years", and finally down to "not happy for the last year"...which I could clearly see was the truth.

 

She re-wrote our marriage in her mind. Nothing to back it up with. Nearly every WS does this. And that's why I'd question the truth of the abusive relationship.

 

BUT...if it is in any way abusive...he should cut and run.