Is it worth being upset over

[Roxanne]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year (but we have known eachother for about 14 years. Since second grade. And we dated in school off and on.) and we have a new born. I have a five year old from another relationship. Neway when my boyfriend and I first got together I had broke up with someone else for him. Well this other guy would not get the point that I didn't want him and he kept coming to my house and trying to get me to think my boyfriend was bad for me. Well my boyfriend thought that I was cheating on him when I wasn't. I admit I was kinda confused at first but I knew who I wanted to be with. My boyfriend and I had been together about a month when this was going on. Well he thought I was cheating on him so he went over to a friends house and met this girl. Well they had sex and he didn't tell me this till about a month ago. I finally got him to talk to me about it last night and he said that when he did it he felt really bad and he realized that he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. I am upset about it but he don't understand why. Should I be upset or should i just forget about it. I don't know if i should keep trying to talk about it because I am afraid that he will get mad and think that I think he is cheatting now. I love him with all my heart and I am willing to forgive him for it but I am still really upset. I don't think he is cheatting but how do i know that it won't happen again? Can someone please help me.

 

Thank you Roxanne

[Been There]

Wow -- what a rocky road you too had in the beginning. There was obviously some major misunderstanding there, a sign of some lack of trust on both sides. Now he has broken yours, can you go through the process of building it back? From my experience, you NEVER get over it when someone cheats on you, it's like this little pain that always sticks around and pops up at some strange times. I tried to work it out with someone for 4 years after a cheating incident, and the trust was never fully rebuilt. But that's because cheating "when times are bad" comes back when times "get bad" again. Someone who cheats fails to understand the true meaning of commitment -- of being monogamous NO MATTER WHAT, until a relationship with someone has reached its final conclusion. That is something no amount of time and forgiveness can cure, unless you truly believe that he has "changed."

 

For me, cheating is NOT dependent on love for someone. It is a sign of someone's individual character and moral principles, not a symbol of devotion. If you want to stay with someone who will think it is an option to cheat whenever he's feeling "unsure" of his love, go right ahead. But just don't have any unrealistic expectations about what you're getting into. I made the mistake of taking someone back after such an incident, but I will never make the mistake again.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year (but we have known eachother for about 14 years. Since second grade. And we dated in school off and on.) and we have a new born. I have a five year old from another relationship. Neway when my boyfriend and I first got together I had broke up with someone else for him. Well this other guy would not get the point that I didn't want him and he kept coming to my house and trying to get me to think my boyfriend was bad for me. Well my boyfriend thought that I was cheating on him when I wasn't. I admit I was kinda confused at first but I knew who I wanted to be with. My boyfriend and I had been together about a month when this was going on. Well he thought I was cheating on him so he went over to a friends house and met this girl. Well they had sex and he didn't tell me this till about a month ago. I finally got him to talk to me about it last night and he said that when he did it he felt really bad and he realized that he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. I am upset about it but he don't understand why. Should I be upset or should i just forget about it. I don't know if i should keep trying to talk about it because I am afraid that he will get mad and think that I think he is cheatting now. I love him with all my heart and I am willing to forgive him for it but I am still really upset. I don't think he is cheatting but how do i know that it won't happen again? Can someone please help me. Thank you Roxanne

[Roxanne]

thanx for your advise. i know that it is hard to forgive someone for cheating i have been here before with someone else. but i really love this guy and he says he loves me too. but like anyone would be i am really scared that it may happen again. i guess i just need to give it time. if anyone else has advise i would love to hear it. thank you

 

roxanne

Wow -- what a rocky road you too had in the beginning. There was obviously some major misunderstanding there, a sign of some lack of trust on both sides. Now he has broken yours, can you go through the process of building it back? From my experience, you NEVER get over it when someone cheats on you, it's like this little pain that always sticks around and pops up at some strange times. I tried to work it out with someone for 4 years after a cheating incident, and the trust was never fully rebuilt. But that's because cheating "when times are bad" comes back when times "get bad" again. Someone who cheats fails to understand the true meaning of commitment -- of being monogamous NO MATTER WHAT, until a relationship with someone has reached its final conclusion. That is something no amount of time and forgiveness can cure, unless you truly believe that he has "changed."

 

For me, cheating is NOT dependent on love for someone. It is a sign of someone's individual character and moral principles, not a symbol of devotion. If you want to stay with someone who will think it is an option to cheat whenever he's feeling "unsure" of his love, go right ahead. But just don't have any unrealistic expectations about what you're getting into. I made the mistake of taking someone back after such an incident, but I will never make the mistake again.

[Been There]

Your welcome -- thank you for reading my reply.

 

Indeed, I think it is the love that makes the pain all the harder to bear. I hope that you two are able to work it out.

 

One thing I should share with you, just so you don't make the same mistake I did, is that when I took her back after cheating, I found it VERY difficult to contribute to the relationship after that. It was like my "forgiveness" was contribution enough. I did not want to be that way, but for some reason I felt entitled to more special treatment since if it wasn't for my forgiveness, there would be no relationship.

 

I look at that now and realize that true forgiveness is not forgiveness with conditions. If you do decide to move forward, please make sure that you are capable of taking him back whole without condition. Perhaps I was simply not capable of true forgiveness because it hurt too much. But maybe that was the one ingredient missing that could have made that a successful relationship. Best of luck to you.

 

thanx for your advise. i know that it is hard to forgive someone for cheating i have been here before with someone else. but i really love this guy and he says he loves me too. but like anyone would be i am really scared that it may happen again. i guess i just need to give it time. if anyone else has advise i would love to hear it. thank you roxanne

[Roxanne]

thanx. you seem like a great person. that girl is missing out on a lot. i wish i could say something that would make it better for you but i can't. i just hope that everthing goes good in your life and i think that things are going to be ok for me. i understand what you mean by thinking my forgiveness should be enough, but it isn't like that with me this time. last time it happend to me i felt like that should be enough but this time it's diff. it's like it never happend. i mean i still feel the pain but i don't want to hold it over his head and make him feel guilty because i feel that would push him away. and make him not to want to be here. thank you for your help and hope to hear what is happening with you.

 

roxanne

Your welcome -- thank you for reading my reply. Indeed, I think it is the love that makes the pain all the harder to bear. I hope that you two are able to work it out. One thing I should share with you, just so you don't make the same mistake I did, is that when I took her back after cheating, I found it VERY difficult to contribute to the relationship after that. It was like my "forgiveness" was contribution enough. I did not want to be that way, but for some reason I felt entitled to more special treatment since if it wasn't for my forgiveness, there would be no relationship.

 

I look at that now and realize that true forgiveness is not forgiveness with conditions. If you do decide to move forward, please make sure that you are capable of taking him back whole without condition. Perhaps I was simply not capable of true forgiveness because it hurt too much. But maybe that was the one ingredient missing that could have made that a successful relationship. Best of luck to you.