xMM wants to meet!!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hey FF, enjoy the affair while it lasts but when it blows up in your face and your kids are gonna be placed in divorce court, and the MOW comes after you full force for you being weak. Dont say anyone didnt want you.

 

The OMM is scum, and the saddest thing is you know it, and is going with it.

 

Why dont he do this, why is he like this , blah , blah, blah!!!

 

WHO THE F CARES!!!?!?!?!?

 

He's a cheater and so are you!

 

The question remains is do you want to continue the path your on or end this, because if you dont it aint gonna end nicel stop trying to control the situation!!!!

[Meaplus3]

I know I can do it, but everytime I do it I feel horrible, sad, depressed and then I see him and I let him back in and the high from that last a little while and then it goes low way low like I am now. So low I cannot even get out of bed.

 

A Therapist FF! Please try it!

 

AP:)

[StillSame]

He is the exact opposite of my H. Crazy, spontaneous, not better looking, but different looking. He can be very charming, funny and very sexy.

 

All your posts indicating that you would leave your husband for him if he wants to be with you. So, are you saying that your husband is not as charming, not as funny, and not as sexy? Do those qualities worth the lost of your family?

[whichwayisup]

Maybe he realized what he has done. I have not seen him all day and maybe he realizes now how close everything was and that he cannot risk it. Maybe on Monday things will be different and he will just say hi and walk away. Maybe he realizes it is all or nothing and our behavior was too risky.

 

You take the control right now and forget the whole thing. Seriously, when it comes down to it, are you prepared to lie, sneak around, betray your husband and kids all over again? I think this time it will be different as you have rebonded with your husband since the A stopped a long time ago...I don't believe you really want to lose everything. Atleast I hope I am right on this...

 

Do not approach him, just go on like nothing happened. IF he comes to you, tell him you've changed your mind and it's best that both of you back off and not talk at all.

 

I know I can do it, but everytime I do it I feel horrible, sad, depressed and then I see him and I let him back in and the high from that last a little while and then it goes low way low like I am now. So low I cannot even get out of bed.

 

Which is worse? Letting go of the MM or losing your house, husband and kids all living together as a family. You think it's hard now and you're in pain missing what you think you once had with the MM? What you feel now won't compare to what you'll feel once you two get busted.

 

Don't you think right now your husband is noticing your moods? That you can't get out of bed?

 

The highs and lows this MM brings out in you is addictive and THAT is why you miss the A. NOT HIM, the feelings he brings out in you. Well, those feelings are fake and fantasy based so time to let that go and find some other type of excitement to replace it. Hobbies, skydiving, something.

[forbidden fruit]

You take the control right now and forget the whole thing. Seriously, when it comes down to it, are you prepared to lie, sneak around, betray your husband and kids all over again? I think this time it will be different as you have rebonded with your husband since the A stopped a long time ago...I don't believe you really want to lose everything. Atleast I hope I am right on this...

 

Do not approach him, just go on like nothing happened. IF he comes to you, tell him you've changed your mind and it's best that both of you back off and not talk at all.

 

 

 

Which is worse? Letting go of the MM or losing your house, husband and kids all living together as a family. You think it's hard now and you're in pain missing what you think you once had with the MM? What you feel now won't compare to what you'll feel once you two get busted.

 

Don't you think right now your husband is noticing your moods? That you can't get out of bed?

 

The highs and lows this MM brings out in you is addictive and THAT is why you miss the A. NOT HIM, the feelings he brings out in you. Well, those feelings are fake and fantasy based so time to let that go and find some other type of excitement to replace it. Hobbies, skydiving, something.

 

I am not sure how to deal with xmm when and if he comes around. I am in such a vulnerable state and I don't know what to say to him. He has a way of making it seem I am making a mountain out of a molehill. He is always telling me to relax and not get so worked up. I immediately go to NC and then everyones notices . He says isn't it better to be friends then enemies?

[LucreziaBorgia]

He says isn't it better to be friends then enemies?

 

For him it is. It keeps you where he wants you.

 

The solution? He needs to be neither friend nor enemy. He needs to be a non-entity, period. Someone you are indifferent to. He thrives on the attention, positive or negative. The positive keeps you quiet and compliant, so that is why he wants to be friends rather than enemies. You are harder to control when you are his enemy. He wouldn't be able to control you at all if he was neither.

[underpants]

For him it is. It keeps you where he wants you.

 

The solution? He needs to be neither friend nor enemy. He needs to be a non-entity, period. Someone you are indifferent to. He thrives on the attention, positive or negative. The positive keeps you quiet and compliant, so that is why he wants to be friends rather than enemies. You are harder to control when you are his enemy. He wouldn't be able to control you at all if he was neither.

 

Good post and the only way to combat a true narcissist.

 

Indifference is their worst fear.

[forbidden fruit]

For him it is. It keeps you where he wants you.

 

The solution? He needs to be neither friend nor enemy. He needs to be a non-entity, period. Someone you are indifferent to. He thrives on the attention, positive or negative. The positive keeps you quiet and compliant, so that is why he wants to be friends rather than enemies. You are harder to control when you are his enemy. He wouldn't be able to control you at all if he was neither.

 

So be neither friend nor enemy. In other words be an actor for right now. side bar he told me when we met last week . You think I am so happy well if I was so happy with my m why would I be her with you. I did not say anything.

[forbidden fruit]

So be neither friend nor enemy. In other words be an actor for right now. side bar he told me when we met last week . You think I am so happy well if I was so happy with my m why would I be her with you. I did not say anything.

 

LB would you consider him a narcissist based on his actions?

[whichwayisup]

Once you get to the point that you really don't care either way and he has NO effect on you at all whatsoever, that is the day you've won completely and he loses forever. Not caring, not reacting and just going about your life without him in it at all, is what you need to try to do. Fake it until you believe it and feel it inside of you.

 

You think I am so happy well if I was so happy with my m why would I be her with you. I did not say anything.

 

Then tell him to go home and fix his marriage, and leave you alone.

[LucreziaBorgia]

LB would you consider him a narcissist based on his actions?

 

I would say so, and would go so far as to say he crosses into the 'malignant narcissist' category.

 

Indifference is your only weapon against this type of person.

[Meaplus3]

Once you get to the point that you really don't care either way and he has NO effect on you at all whatsoever, that is the day you've won completely and he loses forever. Not caring, not reacting and just going about your life without him in it at all, is what you need to try to do. Fake it until you believe it and feel it inside of you.

 

 

 

Then tell him to go home and fix his marriage, and leave you alone.

 

Exactly Whichway!!!

[JamesM]

He says isn't it better to be friends then enemies?

 

It is all a game of manipulation, FF. You know it, but you let him make the rules. He knows he controls you and how you feel. You confirmed it when you went back to him.

 

Want to get back at him? Take control of your life and family.

 

The question is...isn't it better to be friends as couples rather than be friends in secret? Isn't it better that you are friends with his wife, too?

 

It IS better to be enemies if the alternative is to be lovers and you are both married to other people.

[StillSame]

I am starting to think that FF is just a drama queen that craves drama.

[underpants]

I am starting to think that FF is just a drama queen that craves drama.

 

That is why I pondered if there was not more then one type of narcissist in this situation.

 

Not to be offensive, but that kind of attraction works both ways.

 

That and the dismissing attitude toward her H. It just gives me pause.

 

I do feel bad for the unknowing people involved.

 

When the shat hits the fan, which it will. I think there is going to be a crazy blame storm.

[bentnotbroken]

I am starting to think that FF is just a drama queen that craves drama.

 

 

I stated that earlier, she likes the trauma and the drama. You can't have one without the other. I understand she is confused or whatever, but I am starting to really be pissed at the way she is letting this play out, when in the end her pain will be nothing compared to her H and children and his W and children.

 

When they find out that she had the chance to stop this and didn't, everything that she has done/not done will be crystal clear to her.

[forbidden fruit]

Tomorrow mm is home and I am not sure how to act around him. I am mad, sad, confused, actually physically sick and just plain tired. He will probably stay away from me awhile because that has been his mo.

 

He is unsure of how I feel about everything and then when he thinks I am okay he will waltz back in like nothing ever happened. He has said in the past he has felt guilty for what he has done that is why he has stayed away.

 

Anyways, I guess all that matters is what I do. I have been in bed all weekend and I am so mad at myself.

[forbidden fruit]

I wish you'd see that now. You DID see that not too long ago, but you didn't want to let go of him, the idea of you two together.

 

RIGHT NOW YOU DO HAVE THE POWER to end it and not allow yourself to fall back into the A. I hope you find the strength to walk away and not allow the A to happen again.

 

 

 

Ofcourse, he would say that. It's a mute point as if he was with you, chances are, he'd be CHEATING on you at some point too. He knows how to play FF. That's for sure. And, if he truly felt awful for treating you this way, he'd stop and leave you alone, not speak to you. Not to try be buddy's and in your life. He would back off and be neighbourly, a hello, goodbye, nice day out, etc...Small chitchat NOTHING else. He hasn't and won't do that because he KNOWS you want him.

 

He is giving you the typical bullcrap lines, my wife is mean to me, blahblahblah. Yeah well, do something about it. Talk to her, stand up to her! Fix your f**ken marriage! Nope, instead he chooses to get off on the high you give him by playing his game. IF he was THAT miserable, he'd either leave his marriage or fix it. Right now he is just getting by on what he feels like doing, and you're helping him along.

 

Do you think as you mentioned above that he will not be strictly neighbors. He wants the sex, but he does not want the strings I bring with it. So maybe once and for all he has realized he can have no relationship with me except being neighbor.

[OWoman]

I have been in bed all weekend and I am so mad at myself.

 

FF People only stay in bed all weekend for two reasons: to have sex, or because they're unwell. I'm guessing that in your case it's the second.

 

If you're not well you should go to a doctor. Things are not OK and you are on a slippery slope to clinical depression. Act now while you still can, before your H has to take that action on your behalf and you find yourself carted off in an ambulance. Few people want to end up like Britney Spears, and fewer people want their kids to have to go through what hers are going through. If you can't do it for you, at least do it for them.

[Owl]

FF, why do you have 8 pages of people all telling you the exact same thing, and yet you're still sitting here asking the same questions over and over?

 

They've been answered repeatedly, by nearly every regular poster on this site.

 

Yet you blithely ignore what each and everyone is saying to you.

 

I'm going to give you some very blunt advice.

 

1. Quit the pity party already. You're a grown woman. Act like one.

 

2. Stop the madness. Make a choice already. Do you want to be with OM? Do you want to stay married with your H? Do you want to divorce and be with neither?

 

3. Get a plan for whatever your choice was. If you want to be with OM, then tell your H that you cheated, and you're leaving him...AND MAKE IT HAPPEN ALREADY. Tell OM's wife while you're at it, so that they can split up and the two of you can be together. If you want to stay married, tell your H that you cheated with OM, and ask him to forgive you and get into counseling that can help you work through marital recovery. If you want neither, then move out (with your family, friends, something...), contact a lawyer, and start the D proceedings...TODAY.

 

4. See step one. Quit the pity party. Recognize that all of this is a result of YOUR choices (not OM's....he's a jerk, but he's NOT the one in charge of you...YOU ARE). ACT LIKE A GROWN ADULT WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HER CHOICES AND HER ACTIONS. Take ownership of what you've done...AND TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOUR FUTURE AND START MAKING YOUR FUTURE INTO WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE.

 

Sorry if this is harsh, but you've spent the last 8 pages wallowing in self-pity. I don't see any value in rewarding that behavior...if you want to feel better, you need to do something about your situation.

[Meaplus3]

Tomorrow mm is home and I am not sure how to act around him. I am mad, sad, confused, actually physically sick and just plain tired. He will probably stay away from me awhile because that has been his mo.

 

He is unsure of how I feel about everything and then when he thinks I am okay he will waltz back in like nothing ever happened. He has said in the past he has felt guilty for what he has done that is why he has stayed away.

 

Anyways, I guess all that matters is what I do. I have been in bed all weekend and I am so mad at myself.

 

FF, Listen to yourself here! Your physically sick? Gosh girl that should tell you something right there! How is any of this good for you or you family? If your in bed all weekend is that fair to your kid's NO! You are letting this guy destroy you and your life. Why, Why, Why??? What do you want from him???

 

AP:)

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. He will probably stay away from me awhile because that has been his mo.

 

2. He is unsure of how I feel about everything and then when he thinks I am okay he will waltz back in like nothing ever happened.

 

3. He has said in the past he has felt guilty for what he has done that is why he has stayed away.

 

1. He is doing that, so that you will chase him. Then when everything comes down he can say that you were the one who came after him, and therefore you will look like the worst of the two.

 

2. He comes back, because he needs to make sure he can continue to manipulate you into being the pursuer.

 

3. Then why did he come back? He isn't guilty at all. He is only saying that so that he can pass himself off as having human emotions. That way he can continue his game, with himself looking like the victim of some desperate predatory MW who won't leave him alone.

 

He will get forgiven when the sh*t hits the fan. You won't. He will make you out to look like Alex from Fatal Attraction. Which BS is likely to be forgiving? The one who has the one who looks like the victim (him) - who tried again and again to 'get rid of you', or your H - who has the one who appeared ready to dump her family if only MM would leave his W?

 

The longer you tangle yourself up with this guy, the more you put yourself at risk for losing everything. MM wants to control you to the point where he has nothing left to control. He wants you to dump your family for him, and then he will throw you under the bus when it is too late to get them back. Its a game for him. I just wish you could see that and do something REAL about it before it is too late for you.

[Cobra_X30]

Do you think as you mentioned above that he will not be strictly neighbors. He wants the sex, but he does not want the strings I bring with it. So maybe once and for all he has realized he can have no relationship with me except being neighbor.

 

Uh... I know the type. You never were "just neighbors" in his eyes... you were a potential affair from day one... and now, he will simply see you more so in that way.

 

So... do you think that this man deserves to view you in that way?

[forbidden fruit]

FF, why do you have 8 pages of people all telling you the exact same thing, and yet you're still sitting here asking the same questions over and over?

 

They've been answered repeatedly, by nearly every regular poster on this site.

 

Yet you blithely ignore what each and everyone is saying to you.

 

I'm going to give you some very blunt advice.

 

1. Quit the pity party already. You're a grown woman. Act like one.

 

2. Stop the madness. Make a choice already. Do you want to be with OM? Do you want to stay married with your H? Do you want to divorce and be with neither?

 

3. Get a plan for whatever your choice was. If you want to be with OM, then tell your H that you cheated, and you're leaving him...AND MAKE IT HAPPEN ALREADY. Tell OM's wife while you're at it, so that they can split up and the two of you can be together. If you want to stay married, tell your H that you cheated with OM, and ask him to forgive you and get into counseling that can help you work through marital recovery. If you want neither, then move out (with your family, friends, something...), contact a lawyer, and start the D proceedings...TODAY.

 

4. See step one. Quit the pity party. Recognize that all of this is a result of YOUR choices (not OM's....he's a jerk, but he's NOT the one in charge of you...YOU ARE). ACT LIKE A GROWN ADULT WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HER CHOICES AND HER ACTIONS. Take ownership of what you've done...AND TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOUR FUTURE AND START MAKING YOUR FUTURE INTO WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE.

 

Sorry if this is harsh, but you've spent the last 8 pages wallowing in self-pity. I don't see any value in rewarding that behavior...if you want to feel better, you need to do something about your situation.

 

You are exactly right!!!!

[Owl]

Great!!!

 

So what's your decision, and what do you see as the first steps of your gameplan...whatever that decision is?