xMM wants to meet!!

[forbidden fruit]

Great!!!

 

So what's your decision, and what do you see as the first steps of your gameplan...whatever that decision is?

 

My decision is to work on marriage with my H. I will ignore xmm until I decide when the time is right to tell H. LB quote was the most insightful look into what he is doing and it really made me see what he is doing. Wow what a good manipulator. I guess everything he said except for his first name was al llies.

[Owl]

Good choice...you should be proud of yourself in making it!!!

 

Now...on waiting to tell your H.

 

There will NEVER, EVER be a good time to tell him. Not EVER.

 

But the BEST time to tell him is right now. For a couple of reasons.

 

First, its going to be amazingly easy to keep putting it off...as you've already been doing for so long. See? Amazingly easy! Seriously, you can always rationalize reasons why you think its best to wait....stop rationalizing, and start thinking about what's the best way to FIX this situation.

 

Telling your H now has several positive aspects. One, you can enlist his aid in helping you maintain NC with OM. By asking for his help, you appeal to his desire to be your "knight in shining armor"...which most men want to be. It can help put that slight positive spin on a massively negative thing. Two...you can communicate to him that you don't want to keep lying to him. It builds a chance to start rebuilding a trust. If you wait, he's going to be even MORE hurt, that trust will be even further damaged...again, look for the best 'spin' you can put to it here. Next, it will change your focus IMMEDIATELY from worrying about OM to worrying about how to recover your marriage and rebuild the damage done to it and your H. Its a way to IMMEDIATELY change your focus.

 

Yes, you're scared. Yes, you DO run the risk of losing your husband. But that risk isn't a result of telling him...its a result of the affair itself. Right now, you're living a lie. And its poisoning your marriage. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT...NOW.

 

Putting off telling him doesn't solve anything. It avoids conflict, but never directly deals with the problems.

 

Start dealing with the problems, so that you're no longer avoiding them. That's what led to your affair in the first place.

[JamesM]

My decision is to work on marriage with my H. I will ignore xmm until I decide when the time is right to tell H. LB quote was the most insightful look into what he is doing and it really made me see what he is doing. Wow what a good manipulator. I guess everything he said except for his first name was al llies.

 

First, can you stick with this decision? It seems that you had decided this once before. Not being critical or skeptical, but what are you going to do so that you stick to your guns? We both (all) know that he is a manipulator and he makes you offers that you cannot refuse. What makes it any different this time?

 

Second, Owl is right. There will never be a good time to tell your husband. As soon as you tell him everything (including the PA), the time will be ruined. Now if you are thinking that if you wait until he is in a good mood, then I understand. I also suggest that you tell him everything, so that he doesn't wonder if another shoe will fall later.

 

Third, seeing what the MM is doing and deciding what to do is a good start. Now when are you going to act upon these ideas and decisions to stop the MM from what he is doing?

 

BTW, the longer you wait to tell your husband means the more likely that you will be with the MM again. And the more times you get back together with the MM, the more likely that things will turn sexual and very messy.

 

Good luck. Now we all hope that the next day or two brings results. I think I can say that many of us are concerned about your longterm welfare. And the more you waffle back and forth in this decision brings a greater likelihood that this will all end badly for you. And that is who we all care about...you.

[OWoman]

FF, to add to Owl's post about why NOW would be a good time to speak to your H:

 

You've just spent all weekend in bed. Your family will KNOW something's amiss. Right now they're worried and you have their concern and sympathy. If you tell your H it's because you've been stressed and worried because of the situation with MM, and tell him why, and that it's eating you up because of them your family that you love, chances are he'll be far more kindly disposed to that than if you move on with Life As Usual and then try to open the topic for discussion later.

 

Good luck! We're holding thumbs.

[bentnotbroken]

FF, why do you have 8 pages of people all telling you the exact same thing, and yet you're still sitting here asking the same questions over and over?

 

They've been answered repeatedly, by nearly every regular poster on this site.

 

Yet you blithely ignore what each and everyone is saying to you.

 

I'm going to give you some very blunt advice.

 

1. Quit the pity party already. You're a grown woman. Act like one.

 

2. Stop the madness. Make a choice already. Do you want to be with OM? Do you want to stay married with your H? Do you want to divorce and be with neither?

 

3. Get a plan for whatever your choice was. If you want to be with OM, then tell your H that you cheated, and you're leaving him...AND MAKE IT HAPPEN ALREADY. Tell OM's wife while you're at it, so that they can split up and the two of you can be together. If you want to stay married, tell your H that you cheated with OM, and ask him to forgive you and get into counseling that can help you work through marital recovery. If you want neither, then move out (with your family, friends, something...), contact a lawyer, and start the D proceedings...TODAY.

 

4. See step one. Quit the pity party. Recognize that all of this is a result of YOUR choices (not OM's....he's a jerk, but he's NOT the one in charge of you...YOU ARE). ACT LIKE A GROWN ADULT WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HER CHOICES AND HER ACTIONS. Take ownership of what you've done...AND TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOUR FUTURE AND START MAKING YOUR FUTURE INTO WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE.

 

Sorry if this is harsh, but you've spent the last 8 pages wallowing in self-pity. I don't see any value in rewarding that behavior...if you want to feel better, you need to do something about your situation.

 

 

Amen, it's about time someone gave her some "tough love"

[bentnotbroken]

Again with the waiting to tell your H. If you had told him in the first place, you wouldn't have gone through the mess of the last few days. Tell him and take all the power from the MM. You know if you don't tell him now, today, you won't tell him at all.

[Meaplus3]

FF, to add to Owl's post about why NOW would be a good time to speak to your H:

 

You've just spent all weekend in bed. Your family will KNOW something's amiss. Right now they're worried and you have their concern and sympathy. If you tell your H it's because you've been stressed and worried because of the situation with MM, and tell him why, and that it's eating you up because of them your family that you love, chances are he'll be far more kindly disposed to that than if you move on with Life As Usual and then try to open the topic for discussion later.

 

Good luck! We're holding thumbs.

 

FF, OW makes a very good point here!

 

AP:)

[forbidden fruit]

i just came from my therapist appt. and we talked about my situation and she did not recommend telling my h right now for the following reason.

 

1) because I am not strong enough to deal with my h right now and the fallout. 2) she believes telling my h is the easy way out of r with mm and i need to deal with him and not let my H do my dirty work.

 

So right now I am not telling my h and going to stay away from mm. I am going to tell mm to stay away I am working on my marriage and then he will have nothing to say.

[forbidden fruit]

Uh... I know the type. You never were "just neighbors" in his eyes... you were a potential affair from day one... and now, he will simply see you more so in that way.

 

So... do you think that this man deserves to view you in that way?

 

why me ? There are alot of attractive m women on our block. How did he single out me.

[Meaplus3]

i just came from my therapist appt. and we talked about my situation and she did not recommend telling my h right now for the following reason.

 

1) because I am not strong enough to deal with my h right now and the fallout. 2) she believes telling my h is the easy way out of r with mm and i need to deal with him and not let my H do my dirty work.

 

So right now I am not telling my h and going to stay away from mm. I am going to tell mm to stay away I am working on my marriage and then he will have nothing to say.

 

FF, I am very glad to hear you went to therapy, this is a good start and I'm very proud of you for making that start! Hug's!

 

AP:)

[Cobra_X30]

why me ? There are alot of attractive m women on our block. How did he single out me.

 

You were vulnerable.

[forbidden fruit]

I feel like the situation i am in now is all my fault. He was doing so good just being friends with me. It was me who got upset because he was making me feel like he was better than me.

 

So I got upset and then things got intense from there. If I would just go along like what he was doing then maybe we could be friends. maybe i am being the immature one. He is always telling me to relax until he figures things out and if I don't want to get hurt then don't love him so much. He told me I am such a female and to keep my feelings inside and not wear them on my sleeve.

 

He says he cares more than i know but he doesn't walk around upset all the time about the situation. We go around and around for hours talking and we basically get back to the same starting point. Leaving would devstate the kids and he does not think I am ready for that. I asked him why he wants me in his life and he said because he loves being around me. I told him that was not enough and never would be enough, but he said our happiness is not what matter it is the kids that matter and he will hurt me over the kids. What do I say to that logic?

[whichwayisup]

i just came from my therapist appt. and we talked about my situation and she did not recommend telling my h right now for the following reason.

 

1) because I am not strong enough to deal with my h right now and the fallout. 2) she believes telling my h is the easy way out of r with mm and i need to deal with him and not let my H do my dirty work.

 

So right now I am not telling my h and going to stay away from mm. I am going to tell mm to stay away I am working on my marriage and then he will have nothing to say.

 

I'm so glad that you're talking to your therapist. I do hope she works on your strength and guides you the proper way of telling your H the truth.

 

I'm not too sure if I agree with the second part - telling your H isn't the easy way out at all! Quite the opposite, but that's just my opinion...

 

All you have to do is tell the MM that you don't want to be in his life at all, no daily contact and no friendship, no personal conversations, no more visits and if he tries to push it, come over and talk, you are going to tell him to go home. Act cold towards him, unemotional, detached.

 

why me ? There are alot of attractive m women on our block. How did he single out me.

 

But, not all the MW want to have affairs, let alone get involved with this guy. He singled you out because you two had a connection and he took advantage of it, he knew how to push your buttons and still does. Your T should be helping you with that so talk to her about EVERYTHING that he's done, said and continues to try to do to win you back into the A.

 

I feel like the situation i am in now is all my fault. He was doing so good just being friends with me. It was me who got upset because he was making me feel like he was better than me.

It isn't all your fault, each of you are to blame. Who cares if HE was doing good just being friends. YOu two were NOT friends at all! He may have thought that, but he wasn't your friend. Real friends don't do what he's done and continuing to try to do. So, stop caring what he thinks of the friendship and how he interprets it. Yuck!

 

So I got upset and then things got intense from there. If I would just go along like what he was doing then maybe we could be friends. maybe i am being the immature one. He is always telling me to relax until he figures things out and if I don't want to get hurt then don't love him so much. He told me I am such a female and to keep my feelings inside and not wear them on my sleeve.

 

No, because once again, it wasn't and wouldn't be a friendship. Not a real honest one, let alone a platonic one. You need to stop letting him yap his way out of it and stop listening to his bullcrap. Don't let him go on and on as it doesn't matter what he thinks or feels.

 

You don't need to show your emotions around him, let alone wear your heart on your sleeve for him. THAT should be reserved for your husband ONLY, not the exMM! How dare he say that to you. Yuck again!!

 

He says he cares more than i know but he doesn't walk around upset all the time about the situation. We go around and around for hours talking and we basically get back to the same starting point. Leaving would devstate the kids and he does not think I am ready for that. I asked him why he wants me in his life and he said because he loves being around me. I told him that was not enough and never would be enough, but he said our happiness is not what matter it is the kids that matter and he will hurt me over the kids. What do I say to that logic?

 

He loves how it makes HIM feel, once again it's all about HIM. All the more reason to not be around him, for your sake and your kids sake. Screw him, he's a piece of sh*t FF, the sooner you see it, smell it and believe it, the sooner you will rid of him and his stink.

[Owl]

1) because I am not strong enough to deal with my h right now and the fallout. 2) she believes telling my h is the easy way out of r with mm and i need to deal with him and not let my H do my dirty work.

 

And THIS is why individual counselors suck at marriage counselling.

 

Your counselor is full of bull-doody. Your counselor is an enabler...they are helping you avoid the conflict rather than address the issue.

 

If you're "not strong enough to deal with your H right now"...then you're not strong enough to do the "hard way out" of the relationship with OM. Catch 22. Sheer double talk.

 

What she SHOULD be telling you is that you're a big girl, and strong enough to do what you need to do...with your H, AND with your MM. Not telling your H in the first place is what's led to where you're at...again.

 

I'm sorry if this is harsh...but I just don't see how the course of action does anything to help you heal, or the situation to be resolved. You're just going to stay in the same dither you're in now, and the therapist will just keep making their money off you.

[forbidden fruit]

What if when xmm comes around tell him to go work on his marriage. He obviously wants to stay married so if I tell to leave me alone and give his marriage 100%. As long as we are hanging out even as (so called friends) there is no way either of us can decide what we are doing. I have told him before I was working on my marriage that lasted all of about 3 months before we were talking again. He told me see I told you did not love your H who do you thnk you are fooling.

[Owl]

What if when xmm comes around tell him to go work on his marriage. He obviously wants to stay married so if I tell to leave me alone and give his marriage 100%. As long as we are hanging out even as (so called friends) there is no way either of us can decide what we are doing. I have told him before I was working on my marriage that lasted all of about 3 months before we were talking again. He told me see I told you did not love your H who do you thnk you are fooling.

 

One more reason you should have your H HELPING you with this...so that OM doesn't come around anymore, and if he were to he'd see a united front against him.

[forbidden fruit]

I think this is a test for myself. I can't ask my H to fight my battles. This is a internal struggle within myself. I need to do this for me.

[Owl]

LOL...its not a "test". You don't get an "A" or a "C" on this.

 

Its life.

 

And you're in a marriage. That means that when it comes to this kind of stuff, you DON'T try to do it by yourself. That's what led you here in the first place. Not only that, you need to start thinking about the fact that you're trying to 'do' something that impacts far more people than just yourself. You're making decisions on something that should be made jointly with those that will have to live with the results and impacts of these choices.

 

I've said my piece. I think you'll continue to come up with 'reasons' to do what you want to do for as long as you can. I wish you the best of luck.

[forbidden fruit]

I appreciate your opinion, and I know all of you who have given me advice would be to tell my H.

I know it does not make any sense to any of you why I have not told him , but I have my reason and it is my life. It seems very clear to all of you why I should tell , but to me it does not.

[Owl]

That's because we've BEEN through it...and we can see what's worked or not worked in all the situations we've seen as well as what we've been through. I can cite to you tons of reasons why you should tell, and back them up with solid facts.

 

You're GOING through it. Your vision is limited by where you're at right now. And your vision is also limited by all the confusion going on in your mind now as a result of the affair and all that's gone on. Mentally, you're not willing to see anything other than your own perspective at the moment.

[underpants]

Get that merry go round horse saddled up for another spin.

[Cobra_X30]

I think this is a test for myself. I can't ask my H to fight my battles. This is a internal struggle within myself. I need to do this for me.

 

Remember you lost this battle once before. It's just as wrong now as it was then... little has changed.

 

What makes you think that you are now more prepared to fight this? What makes you think you can win?

 

What happens if you fail... if you fall back into his arms?

[bentnotbroken]

This battle isn't yours, the mess is. The battle belongs to the family if you want to save it. Right now all you're trying to do is disentangle without your H knowledge. You don't ever intend to tell him. If you want it over(IMHO you don't) tell him. As the little dude in the drawers said another round on the merry go round.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Telling your husband won't end your marriage, but it will end your affair. I expect that is why you won't tell him. Not to save your marriage, but to hold on to your affair. You are clutching that last little hope that things will work out for you and MM.

 

You are saying otherwise, but I have a feeling that if MM came to you tomorrow and said, "FF, I'm leaving my wife - I have already moved out and I want you to come with me" you would leave your husband in a hot minute. I don't buy for a second that you aren't telling him because you want to keep your marriage. You just want to continue to have a secure place so that you won't be alone while you wait and hope for MM to leave his wife.

 

I sincerely hope that you can find your way out of this MM's clutches and get your life on a better track. The track you are on is taking you nowhere fast.

[forbidden fruit]

Is there any other way to end it that does not involve telling my H. I think if I told mm to work on his marriage and we can not hang out together he could not do or say anything.