xMM wants to meet!!

[Owl]

Not any way that's going to stick.

 

Instead, you're just going to keep ending up right back where you're at right now.

 

Quit looking for the "Easy button". There ain't one.

 

The truth now....why are you avoiding telling your H?

[forbidden fruit]

You know what is funny is that the worse the mm has been the nicer my h has been. I now see who really loves me and wants the best for me. When i would tell mm that my h loved me he would say well i love you too, but he really didn't.

 

He would say at least your H tells you he loves you my w has never not once. I think he wants me to feel sorry for him.

 

Thorough all of this i see what an amazing person my H is. An amazing father and a amazing friend and H. He always sees the glass a full and mm sees it as half empty. I am sure i would not want to leave my H for someone who A) does not love me and B) does not love himself.

 

I guess I just allowed myslef to get brainwashed by mm and let him come between my h and I in a very vulnerable time in our marriage.

 

my worst mistake was telling mm I was unhappy in my marriage. I have might as well as let the devil in.

[Cobra_X30]

Is there any other way to end it that does not involve telling my H. I think if I told mm to work on his marriage and we can not hang out together he could not do or say anything.

 

Yes there is.

 

Why do you so fear your Husbands reaction?

[Owl]

In retrospect, I can agree with Cobra.

 

There are ways I can see for this all to work out without telling your H.

 

Divorce him with no explanation.

 

Continue on the affair until you're caught.

[forbidden fruit]

Because I will lose my kids and he will make sure of that , plus I will probably be out on the streets as he will kick me out.

 

He will probably kick xmm's ass and mm w will drag my kids through this also. My kids will have to go to another school because mm's w will make sure everyone knows.

 

My H will nodoubtly never talk to me again and make sure my kids hate me for the rest of their lives. Xmm will probably committ suicide over the whole event . Oh there is so much more and I know all of this for sure !!!!!

[Owl]

Wow!!

 

Then why did you marry your H, and why did you start seeing the OM in the first place?!?!?!

 

If you know all of this..."for sure"...

 

Leave your H today and get IMMEDIATELY to a woman's shelter. What you describe is an abusive and dangerous personality.

 

Once again...you really and truly have no idea for sure what your H will do. Now, if you fear he truly will be abusive, then you need to IMMEDIATELY get out of the house and into a shelter...TODAY.

 

Otherwise, you need to start working on a plan on how to break this all to him in a SAFE fashion. Like in a public place, with family members/friends present who can keep you safe. You need to work outa support plan for yourself and your kids if he does choose to throw you out.

 

You absolutely need to realize something...your H WILL find out, and sooner than you think. All you can do is help manage the how and when of it...and take steps to protect yourself and your family while he processes it.

 

Its VERY VERY VERY rare that these things go for years without being discovered.

 

You need to plan on him finding out...it WILL happen. What you need to do is to work out the safest and best way to make that happen, rather than stick your head in the sand and pray that it doesn't.

[Meaplus3]

Because I will lose my kids and he will make sure of that , plus I will probably be out on the streets as he will kick me out.

 

He will probably kick xmm's ass and mm w will drag my kids through this also. My kids will have to go to another school because mm's w will make sure everyone knows.

 

My H will nodoubtly never talk to me again and make sure my kids hate me for the rest of their lives. Xmm will probably committ suicide over the whole event . Oh there is so much more and I know all of this for sure !!!!!

 

FF, What about just packing up and moving away?? Out of sight out of mind! I also would like to know how you are going to have a honest loving Marriage with your H, while keeping this big secret from him? Is your therapy helping?

 

AP:)

[underpants]

I now see who really loves me and wants the best for me.

 

Thorough all of this i see what an amazing person my H is. An amazing father and a amazing friend and H. He always sees the glass a full and mm sees it as half empty. I am sure i would not want to leave my H for someone who A) does not love me and B) does not love himself.

 

 

Because I will lose my kids and he will make sure of that , plus I will probably be out on the streets as he will kick me out.

 

He will probably kick xmm's ass and mm w will drag my kids through this also. My kids will have to go to another school because mm's w will make sure everyone knows.

 

My H will nodoubtly never talk to me again and make sure my kids hate me for the rest of their lives. Xmm will probably committ suicide over the whole event . Oh there is so much more and I know all of this for sure !!!!!

 

These two statements seem to conflict with each other.

 

You are letting your worst fears of loss (wheather family or xmm) control your decision making process.

 

In seeking to keep both you will lose both.

[whichwayisup]

FF, maybe you need to find a marriage counsellor and go on your own. I think Owl is right, you have the wrong therapist helping you in this case...

 

My H will nodoubtly never talk to me again and make sure my kids hate me for the rest of their lives. Xmm will probably committ suicide over the whole event . Oh there is so much more and I know all of this for sure !!!!!

 

If only you felt this strongly BEFORE the A ever started...

 

As for the exMM you are not responsible for what he does, feels etc., so if he wants to off himself, that just shows HE is unbalanced and needs professional help too.

 

You DO have options, get to the marriage counsellor on your own - TELL him/her EVERYTHING, confess to him/her and then get your H to go with you and together you two can have the MC be the mediator. (I know I have spelled that wrong, sorry..)

[bentnotbroken]

Is there any other way to end it that does not involve telling my H. I think if I told mm to work on his marriage and we can not hang out together he could not do or say anything.

 

 

In a word NO!

[bentnotbroken]

Because I will lose my kids and he will make sure of that , plus I will probably be out on the streets as he will kick me out.

 

He will probably kick xmm's ass and mm w will drag my kids through this also. My kids will have to go to another school because mm's w will make sure everyone knows.

 

My H will nodoubtly never talk to me again and make sure my kids hate me for the rest of their lives. Xmm will probably committ suicide over the whole event . Oh there is so much more and I know all of this for sure !!!!!

 

 

 

I think that you are so self involved in what you will loose that you have lost sight of what you have taken from everyone els. You concern for your children is touching. But your concern for mm is over the top.

 

Unless you have a crystal ball, or God himself told you what the future holds, you don't have a clue. If you knew for sure what was going to happen, how come you couldn't see the mess you were creating before you had the affair?

 

That narcissistic @$$ isn't going to committ suicide, he loves himself too much. You assume that his wife isn't woman enough to just deal with the adults involved that she would try to harm your children. Most of us aren't pissed at the children of the op. I didn't go after the ow children. I bent over backwards to show them how a responsible person behaved. They have never heard me dog their mother out.

 

You need to stop making excuses. That's what has gotten you in this mess.

[Cobra_X30]

Because I will lose my kids and he will make sure of that , plus I will probably be out on the streets as he will kick me out.

 

He will probably kick xmm's ass and mm w will drag my kids through this also. My kids will have to go to another school because mm's w will make sure everyone knows.

 

My H will nodoubtly never talk to me again and make sure my kids hate me for the rest of their lives. Xmm will probably committ suicide over the whole event . Oh there is so much more and I know all of this for sure !!!!!

 

Well, I think you can keep it secret for the time bieng... but that in the end you will have to tell so that you can forgive yourself. Otherwise the secret will suck away your soul.

 

Do you live under United States Law? If so...

 

Your H cannot take your kids unless you are an unfit mother. Are you an unfit mother?

 

He cannot kick you out on the streets. He does not have that right.

 

If he touches your xMM, then he will go to jail, and then he will be an unfit parent.

 

Your children will make thier own choices about you. They will make that choice anyway based on who you are!

 

Perhaps these fears are excuses?

[OWoman]

You absolutely need to realize something...your H WILL find out, and sooner than you think. All you can do is help manage the how and when of it...and take steps to protect yourself and your family while he processes it.

 

Its VERY VERY VERY rare that these things go for years without being discovered.

 

You need to plan on him finding out...it WILL happen. What you need to do is to work out the safest and best way to make that happen, rather than stick your head in the sand and pray that it doesn't.

 

I've been agreeing with Owl far too much lately, but I'm going to have to do so again. FF the chances are EXTREMELY HIGH that your H is going to find out one way or another, if only through joining the dots in his own mind. There are clues everywhere, and your weekend in bed has probably got him seriously worrying what's up - enough to do exactly that kind of thinking.

 

Would you rather your H found out from you - in circumstances where you had some control over how and what was said and heard - or that he found out some other way, and felt hurt and betrayed that it wasn't from you? Certainly in terms of the outcomes, the results you fear are far more likely if he finds out in bad faith, than if you tell him in a contrite and loving way. But it's your call.

 

I absolutely can't agree with your therapist on this one - I think there's never a "good time" for telling and your being "strong enough" is a shifting target. If you read through your posts here you'll see how they vacillate from moment to moment - the SITUATION and your fears about it are keeping you weak. The only way you can become strong enough to deal with it is exactly by seizing that strength and telling him. And, as I said in a previous post, the reception you get from your H is likely to be far more sympathetic and concerned if the news comes when you're in a bad place, than if it comes when you're seemingly on top of the world and fully in control. Then, you're likely to get the full force of your H's fury rather than the moderated response your "weakness" would occasion.

 

FF - you're all over the place on this and I really worry that the decisions you're taking now are not the best ones for you. You need to take control of your life back, back from your MM, back from your fears and back from that dark place you're headed.

[Owl]

That's it, Owoman!

 

Too many times we've agreed! Quick...start a thread with something you know I'll take the opposite stance on so we can get back to normality!!!

 

Just kidding. I think it should send some clear messages to some posters when two people from such opposite viewpoints agree on a course of action.

[PoshPrincess]

I agree that your H will find out sooner or later. FF, if you don't feel you can tell your H then you really have to move away - for everyone's sake. There is NO WAY you can live anywhere near MM and be able to get over him. All the time you are seeing him (even if not speaking) he is in the forefront of your mind and you will NEVER be able to resolve the problems at home. It wouldn't be fair on your H to have a man you've been sleeping with living on his doorstep. This is ALL just too messy.

 

I can see where your therapist is coming from worrying that you may not be able to cope with telling your H, etc - after all she is there for your concerns, nobody else's - however, I agree with all those who say it is one way to surely end the A. You may risk losing your H altogether but surely you did that the day your A started?

[forbidden fruit]

For the latest update. My mm and I have met several more times to talk about what is going on. I have come to the conclusion despite all of his begging and pleading that I cannot be around him and at the same time try to figure out my marriage.

 

He wants to still keep on doing stuff together and not sexual until we both figure out what we are doing with our marriages. I know, but have not let him know that he cannot be part of my life and I owe it to my H to see if I can save my marriage.

 

I know everyone thinks the only way to save my marriage is to tell my H , but I am not doing that right now. MM still thinks we are talking and he has called a couple of times, but I refused all calls.

 

If with the mm out of the picture I still feel the same way about my H then I will address that , but I know my H is trying his hardest to save the marriage and if I tell him it will crush him and I cannot do that to him. I love two people and I know my mm loves me , but i have to let one of them go. It is killing me, but I owe it to my h and my kids and also myself. So while you all may disagree this is what i am doing for right now.

[bentnotbroken]

For the latest update. My mm and I have met several more times to talk about what is going on. I have come to the conclusion despite all of his begging and pleading that I cannot be around him and at the same time try to figure out my marriage.

 

He wants to still keep on doing stuff together and not sexual until we both figure out what we are doing with our marriages. I know, but have not let him know that he cannot be part of my life and I owe it to my H to see if I can save my marriage.

 

I know everyone thinks the only way to save my marriage is to tell my H , but I am not doing that right now. MM still thinks we are talking and he has called a couple of times, but I refused all calls.

 

If with the mm out of the picture I still feel the same way about my H then I will address that , but I know my H is trying his hardest to save the marriage and if I tell him it will crush him and I cannot do that to him. I love two people and I know my mm loves me , but i have to let one of them go. It is killing me, but I owe it to my h and my kids and also myself. So while you all may disagree this is what i am doing for right now.

 

 

All you care about is yourself, your husband is a lot stronger than you give him credit for, he's had to deal with you. Stop being a punk and tell the truth for a change.What you owe your husband and your kids and even yourself, is the truth and the start of a life of freedom from lies and bullcrap.

[Chrome Barracuda]

For the latest update. My mm and I have met several more times to talk about what is going on. I have come to the conclusion despite all of his begging and pleading that I cannot be around him and at the same time try to figure out my marriage.

 

He wants to still keep on doing stuff together and not sexual until we both figure out what we are doing with our marriages. I know, but have not let him know that he cannot be part of my life and I owe it to my H to see if I can save my marriage.

 

I know everyone thinks the only way to save my marriage is to tell my H , but I am not doing that right now. MM still thinks we are talking and he has called a couple of times, but I refused all calls.

 

If with the mm out of the picture I still feel the same way about my H then I will address that , but I know my H is trying his hardest to save the marriage and if I tell him it will crush him and I cannot do that to him. I love two people and I know my mm loves me , but i have to let one of them go. It is killing me, but I owe it to my h and my kids and also myself. So while you all may disagree this is what i am doing for right now.

 

 

B.S. tell your husband the whole truth and end this!!!!!

 

Stop being a bloody coward!

[JamesM]

B.S. tell your husband the whole truth and end this!!!!!

 

Stop being a bloody coward!

 

I am beginning to think she doesn't want to tell her husband because then the affair HAS to end. Now she can always hang on to the hope/idea that the affair can go on. Once her husband knows, it is over. Period.

 

Please prove me wrong, FF.

[Meaplus3]

I am beginning to think she doesn't want to tell her husband because then the affair HAS to end. Now she can always hang on to the hope/idea that the affair can go on. Once her husband knows, it is over. Period.

 

Please prove me wrong, FF.

 

James, Your are right on!

 

 

AP:)

[forbidden fruit]

Sorry it is not going to happen. This is my last post because my position won't change. It is my life not bent or chrome or james life mine and this is what I choose so sorry it is now what you all would of done.

[JamesM]

Sorry it is not going to happen. This is my last post because my position won't change. It is my life not bent or chrome or james life mine and this is what I choose so sorry it is now what you all would of done.

 

You are correct. All we can do is give advice based on what you tell us. While some of it may not be correct, I suspect much of it would help you in your situation.

 

So, our advice may not be correct. Your choice may be exactly what is best for you. What we would have done may be incorrect.

 

My gut instinct does tell me that complete honesty in this situation may help eliminate the anxiety and uncertainty that you have. It may also help your husband understand what is going on his marriage. His confusion as to why he cannot "fix" it would be eliminated.

 

The question becomes...are you being fair to your husband and family? Is this being fair to the MM and his family?

 

Please keep us updated on your progress/regress. You may find that we are all wrong, and I for one would like to know and be educated.

[whichwayisup]

FF, you can enable your PM option to on? I tried to PM you this morning..

[Meaplus3]

Hi FF, Just wondering how you are? Would love for you to post an update or PM me. I think the world of you.. and just care to know how you are doing. Hug's.

 

AP:)

[whichwayisup]

Me too FF.

 

I know you are going through a rough time, we all do care, and want to help you! So please post an update or PM us. And, if there are afew that you feel are being hard on you and not giving any advice, put them on ignore.