xMM wants to meet!!

[forbidden fruit]

Me too FF.

 

I know you are going through a rough time, we all do care, and want to help you! So please post an update or PM us. And, if there are afew that you feel are being hard on you and not giving any advice, put them on ignore.

 

Thank you so much for all of your support and advice. Well, to start last week was just living hell. I went on the rollercoaster for the billiazonth time with xmm. We spent everyday together fighting mostly. He wanted me to see his side and I wanted him to see mine.

 

He said he wants to leave and be with me, but it is not the right time and he wants me to wait and continue to be friends with him. What I figured out throught our horrendous fights is that he is not good for me and he only wants what he wants and not what is in the best interest of me.

 

The straw that broke the camels back came three days ago when we spent all day fighting and boy I am surprised the whole neighborhood did not turn us in.

 

Anyways the end for me was when he said he was not sure if he could take care of my kids if we got together. I also saw him for who he was around my kids AND HE IS DEFINATELY not who I want or think they need in their life. Sure he is the fun guy, but when the going gets rough he gets going.

 

I got mad at him about everything all week long and boy did he come back with the best he had. I told him we are not friends we are not anything and stay away from me. So that is what he has been doing hiding because I threatened to tell his wife. So now while most disagree I am giving my all into my marriage.

 

No I did not sleep with xmm, but he did get very violent when I asked for certain things my H would of not blinked at. Yes he would say he is not married to me, but if you love someone you want to do it for them. He was not nor will ever be that person. I am so glad now I saw his true colors and not let the fantasy and my heart win out. Someone saved me from almost making the biggest mistake of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[NoIDidn't]

I am beginning to think she doesn't want to tell her husband because then the affair HAS to end. Now she can always hang on to the hope/idea that the affair can go on. Once her husband knows, it is over. Period.

 

 

I disagree. I think she won't tell her H the truth because she will lose both men. No MM is going to stay around once a BH knows the truth. She won't get any support from either of them.

 

BH are practically less likely to stay with a WW than a MM is.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with the affair. Its about keeping the H around if and when the A is over so she won't be alone at the end of it.

[Owl]

BH are practically less likely to stay with a WW than a MM is.

 

I completely disagree with this statement. I've posted on this site and others for a couple of years now, and I've seen numerous friends end up in affairs due to various reasons.

 

And the BS tends to fight to save the marriage the vast majority of the time. FAR more often than they tend to 'walk away'.

 

What experience or information do you base your premise on?

 

And IMHO, I think her reasons for not telling are simple...she doesn't want to have to face the results of her choices. She KNOWS her H will be devestated by her choice to have an affair...she chooses to avoid telling him so that she doesn't have to face the reality of his pain and hurt. AND it allows her to continue her affair simultaneously. Simple enough to understand.

[whichwayisup]

I just want FF to come back and post. I don't like that she's disappeared and not intouch, through PM's or on the boards anymore. Though, I know she's probably worried about what some will say and come down on her hard..

[OpenBook]

I just want FF to come back and post. I don't like that she's disappeared and not intouch, through PM's or on the boards anymore. Though, I know she's probably worried about what some will say and come down on her hard..

 

And I don't blame her one bit for not posting anymore. She comes here for help, advice, and support - and gets trashed and harassed and judged instead. Who needs it?!??

[NoIDidn't]

I completely disagree with this statement. I've posted on this site and others for a couple of years now, and I've seen numerous friends end up in affairs due to various reasons.

 

And the BS tends to fight to save the marriage the vast majority of the time. FAR more often than they tend to 'walk away'.

 

What experience or information do you base your premise on?

 

And IMHO, I think her reasons for not telling are simple...she doesn't want to have to face the results of her choices. She KNOWS her H will be devestated by her choice to have an affair...she chooses to avoid telling him so that she doesn't have to face the reality of his pain and hurt. AND it allows her to continue her affair simultaneously. Simple enough to understand.

 

Correct me if I am wrong, but didn't your W have an EA and not a PA? That makes the difference between those that stay and those that leave.

 

I agree that her reasons are simple, but my conclusion is just as valid as yours. You may be a BH that stayed, but that doesn't make you the final authority on these things. My premise is based on the type of A she's been having under her H's nose and lying about.

 

If she can't even admit to having an A with the man, she will likely not even want to tell her H that she was also sleeping with him. That for most men is a deal-breaker. Double-standards, and all.

 

Is that simple enough for you?

[Owl]

You are correct...my wife had an EA that did not escalate to PA before d-day.

 

Stroll over to the forum at marriagebuilders.com, and take a look at how many men you see there fighting to save their marriages...regardless of EA/PA.

 

Go back and read the last three years of posts on the infidelity section on THIS forum, and see how many men you see doing the exact same thing.

 

I agree...many men would end it if they knew of the affair.

 

I disagree that they're "less likely to stay with a WW than MM is". You'll see that a LOT of men...I'd venture that MOST men...will fight to save their marriages.

 

Read the forums I'd suggested...not all of it, of course...and see how many stories you see where it spells out exactly what I'm suggesting.

[NoIDidn't]

You are correct...my wife had an EA that did not escalate to PA before d-day.

 

Stroll over to the forum at marriagebuilders.com, and take a look at how many men you see there fighting to save their marriages...regardless of EA/PA.

 

Go back and read the last three years of posts on the infidelity section on THIS forum, and see how many men you see doing the exact same thing.

 

I agree...many men would end it if they knew of the affair.

 

I disagree that they're "less likely to stay with a WW than MM is". You'll see that a LOT of men...I'd venture that MOST men...will fight to save their marriages.

 

Read the forums I'd suggested...not all of it, of course...and see how many stories you see where it spells out exactly what I'm suggesting.

 

Owl can you not just agree to disagree?

 

I have read all of those boards and threads like it. But most men are not like you guys that are willing to come online and talk about their W cheating on them. Just like most MM don't come to these boards to talk about their EMAs or OWs.

 

I am not suggesting that I alone am correct. I only stated what I believed to be her reason for not telling the truth to her H.

 

I agree to disagree on the WW vs. BH thing. Okay?

[Owl]

Owl can you not just agree to disagree?

 

I most surely can. Consider it done and dropped.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you so much for all of your support and advice. Well, to start last week was just living hell. I went on the rollercoaster for the billiazonth time with xmm. We spent everyday together fighting mostly. He wanted me to see his side and I wanted him to see mine.

 

He said he wants to leave and be with me, but it is not the right time and he wants me to wait and continue to be friends with him. What I figured out throught our horrendous fights is that he is not good for me and he only wants what he wants and not what is in the best interest of me.

 

The straw that broke the camels back came three days ago when we spent all day fighting and boy I am surprised the whole neighborhood did not turn us in.

 

Anyways the end for me was when he said he was not sure if he could take care of my kids if we got together. I also saw him for who he was around my kids AND HE IS DEFINATELY not who I want or think they need in their life. Sure he is the fun guy, but when the going gets rough he gets going.

 

I got mad at him about everything all week long and boy did he come back with the best he had. I told him we are not friends we are not anything and stay away from me. So that is what he has been doing hiding because I threatened to tell his wife. So now while most disagree I am giving my all into my marriage.

 

No I did not sleep with xmm, but he did get very violent when I asked for certain things my H would of not blinked at. Yes he would say he is not married to me, but if you love someone you want to do it for them. He was not nor will ever be that person. I am so glad now I saw his true colors and not let the fantasy and my heart win out. Someone saved me from almost making the biggest mistake of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Well, maybe this all had to happen to get you to open your eyes, to break the fantasy of what 'could have been..' It's obvious however he makes you feel, he ISN'T the one, let alone a lifetime partner. He can't be a good step father to your kids, let alone a good loving and supportive husband. He is an affair fantasy partner, that is all.

 

I am glad that you posted again FF. You're going to be okay...Sure, it may take a little while to actually stop those feelings, but the reality of who he is has been revealed. He isn't worth it!

 

Be proud that the spell has been broken!!

[Meaplus3]

Thank you so much for all of your support and advice. Well, to start last week was just living hell. I went on the rollercoaster for the billiazonth time with xmm. We spent everyday together fighting mostly. He wanted me to see his side and I wanted him to see mine.

 

He said he wants to leave and be with me, but it is not the right time and he wants me to wait and continue to be friends with him. What I figured out throught our horrendous fights is that he is not good for me and he only wants what he wants and not what is in the best interest of me.

 

The straw that broke the camels back came three days ago when we spent all day fighting and boy I am surprised the whole neighborhood did not turn us in.

 

Anyways the end for me was when he said he was not sure if he could take care of my kids if we got together. I also saw him for who he was around my kids AND HE IS DEFINATELY not who I want or think they need in their life. Sure he is the fun guy, but when the going gets rough he gets going.

 

I got mad at him about everything all week long and boy did he come back with the best he had. I told him we are not friends we are not anything and stay away from me. So that is what he has been doing hiding because I threatened to tell his wife. So now while most disagree I am giving my all into my marriage.

 

No I did not sleep with xmm, but he did get very violent when I asked for certain things my H would of not blinked at. Yes he would say he is not married to me, but if you love someone you want to do it for them. He was not nor will ever be that person. I am so glad now I saw his true colors and not let the fantasy and my heart win out. Someone saved me from almost making the biggest mistake of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Hi FF, Thank's so very much for posting an update...as I have been thinking about you! I'm glad to see that you saw his true color's...and were able to put the Fantasy a side from seeing that. Sound's like your on a good road to healing here my friend. Hug's to you!! Please PM me if you need to!

 

AP:)

[forbidden fruit]

Hi FF, Thank's so very much for posting an update...as I have been thinking about you! I'm glad to see that you saw his true color's...and were able to put the Fantasy a side from seeing that. Sound's like your on a good road to healing here my friend. Hug's to you!! Please PM me if you need to!

 

So yesterday I was at the playground and xmm was there too. Showed up after knowing I was going to be there. I acted like he did not exist . As I was leaving and said goodbye to another friend he started to get in my face and said bye, bye , bye and caused a scene. I ust picked my kids up and

acted like he still did not exist. No expression. WTF. Does he not get it. I might have to move to siberia to get away from him!!!! The game he plays is so predictable I could set my watch to it.

[forbidden fruit]

How long is it going to take to get over the whole A? I am still angry at myself and xmm. He is trying to antagonize me by trying to get a reaction out of me, but I am pretending he is dead. He made a scene when I was at the playground and started yelling at my face hello. I jus pretended he was dead and looked right through him!!!!

[whichwayisup]

FF, if you're reading, post an update or PM me. How are you doing?

[LucreziaBorgia]

How long is it going to take to get over the whole A?

 

You won't get over it as long as you are in contact and he is antagonizing you like he is. Its like picking a scab over and over and over...

 

Your MM antagonizes you because he can. It is all about control for him whether he directly benefits from it or not. The very act of controlling you is enough for him. He is controlling your actions - even your negative ones - with his behavior. He can make you cheat on your H. He can make you angry. He can make you not speak to him. But... one thing he has assured: you cannot ignore him. He will make sure of that.

 

There is only one way to 100% end this, but it isn't something you are willing to do. If your H and his W knew the whole truth, your MM would not be antagonizing you anymore. I doubt you would even see his face anymore for that matter. Then you would be able to rebuild from there, without your MM being in your life in any way.

[whichwayisup]

 

So yesterday I was at the playground and xmm was there too. Showed up after knowing I was going to be there. I acted like he did not exist . As I was leaving and said goodbye to another friend he started to get in my face and said bye, bye , bye and caused a scene. I ust picked my kids up and

acted like he still did not exist. No expression. WTF. Does he not get it. I might have to move to siberia to get away from him!!!! The game he plays is so predictable I could set my watch to it.

 

Just keep on ignoring him!

 

How long is it going to take to get over the whole A? I am still angry at myself and xmm. He is trying to antagonize me by trying to get a reaction out of me, but I am pretending he is dead. He made a scene when I was at the playground and started yelling at my face hello. I jus pretended he was dead and looked right through him!!!!

 

Once you take back your power and not let him get to you. FF, you have to work really hard on teaching yourself what he thinks and says doesn't matter. He's making a complete fool of himself in the process of getting your attention. Keep letting him do that...And you keep ignoring him.

 

When you are at home, do you have thoughts of him still? If so, then you have to try to distract yourself and pour that energy into yourself, your kids and your husband.

 

FF, if you're reading, post an update or PM me. How are you doing?

 

Geez, I swear I need to get my eyes checked because I didn't see your two new posts!

[nadiaj2727]

I am a man ( I know...it is obvious ..I hope), and I can say that I recognize lines men use.

 

First, he convinced you that he is your friend. Then he is telling you that you can have your EA again. Then he will kiss you while in a moment of "love." He will apologize and say how he could not help himself, because you are so lovely and irresistible. But this will happen a few more times. You will be confused but willing. Then the kissing will become petting, but the moment will never be quite private enough. You will convince yourself that it won't go all of the way.

 

The next step will be a seemingly impulsive moment where you both find yourself overwhelmed in passion and since he has somehow arranged it to be a private moment, he keeps the moment going to the point of no return. You will weakly try to stop, but yet you want him. At that point, you may as well begin the PA. And you do.

 

Trust me...men may seem simple, but they are devious. When it comes to sex, men are very ingenious at convincing a woman how much he loves her. He can lie very convincingly because he has a goal.

 

As for leaving his wife, your MM loves the secret life. If he and you were single, then he would not consider continuing his affair with you. It is nothing against you...it is simply a game and a challenge to him.

 

This is your life and marriage. It is no game. Choose you today whom you will love. You can still stop this. Just because you began does not mean you cannot quit.

 

So says my masculine intuition...if there is such a thing.

 

Wow James, this is such an accurate post, I feel like you were inside the head of my xMM. He did all of this stuff to a T. He was a manipulative man who just wanted me for sex, but it took me so long to figure that out, because he said the sweetest things, he was so passionate and "caring" and I was convinced he loved me.

 

FF I really think you should listen to James. He knows men and he is a good one. Your husband sounds like a good one too. Why betray him for a jerk like your MM?? It makes no sense if you think about it logically. Just take your feelings of excitement and lust out of the picture and think about what you really want long-term. Think of what is best for YOU.

 

I admire you for being honest and letting us know what's going on. I bet this happens more than we know (OW goes back to xMM) but people are too ashamed to say it after being so strong.

 

The only way I managed to get xMM to leave me alone was to tell him that if he contacted me again, I would forward it to his wife and to the president of our firm (we worked together). The thing was, I had to MEAN it, because he tested me several times with seemingly "innocent" emails and phone calls to see how serious I was. I had to be the strong one because he was the weak, cowardly, selfish one who would keep cheating with me as long as I let him, and keep looking for opportunities to get me to cheat with him. I had to say to myself, "I am better than this", "I want to be a good, honest person" and "he does NOT have my best interests at heart." Then I had to get really, really mad at him for trying to jeopardize my self-respect and my career for his own selfish pleasure.

 

I know exactly where you are. The sex is so good, the conversation so great, it really feels like you and xMM have a connection or bond that you would never have with anyone else, you feel on top of the world when you're with him, it is like a drug, you have never had anything so close and passionate and good. Well the problem is, it's all based around a married man getting his own ego stroked, going after his desire of exceitment and lust and trying to fix his own broken self by USING you. They are really good at manipulation and doing things to make us want to stay with them -- THAT's why it feels like the best thing in the world. Tell yourself, if something is too good to be true, it is. No relationship is that up and high and great all the time... and this obviously isn't because it comes with the risk of hurting everyone around you, and it makes you feel crappy when the two of you aren't together. That is not real love, that is just fantasy and escapsim.

 

I think you are stronger than you think. You just need to get mad and end this for good, no matter what it takes.

[whichwayisup]

You just need to get mad and end this for good, no matter what it takes.

The other train of thought is, FF and her family move. Stay in school district, but start looking for another house in the area.

Doing NC with her exMM isn't easy as he is the neighbour.

[nadiaj2727]

Sorry, FF, I posted before I read the entire thread and saw your update.

 

Now I see that you told xMM you can't be together and you are asking how long it takes to get over the A. Good for you for refusing to be involved anymore. However, I wonder if you really ended the affair, or just stopped it from escalating for now, with the possibility that it can start up in the future? (I'm not saying this to disbelieve you or judge you, I'm just wondering, if you think about it in your heart, is the affair really over? It has to really be over before you can even START getting over it.)

 

Either way, it will probably take a long time to get over it. You just have to keep thinking of your own self-respect and what is best for you and your family. You can't let yourself slide back in to it when you're lonely, bored, craving excitement, etc. You have to be consistent. I recommend moving away. But if you can't do that, just don't let yourself have ANY contact with xMM and don't go to places you know he might be, including the playground. Yes, it's an inconvenience to change around your life/ routine for xMM but if you don't, you will be in this all over again, don't you want to break free from the drama and live a normal life?

[nadiaj2727]

The other train of thought is, FF and her family move. Stay in school district, but start looking for another house in the area.

Doing NC with her exMM isn't easy as he is the neighbour.

 

LOL wwiu we were thinking the same thing. I do think she should move. I don't know enough her personal circumstances to know if that is possible or not. I know NC isn't easy in that situation, I work with my xMM and it took a very long time of refusing to have any contact with him in order for him to really get my drift. It's hard because you have to fight off xMM's advances as well as your own demon who is craving its fix. It would definitely be easier if she moves or if her husband knows so that (if he still wants to stay with her) he can keep her accountable and give her a strong reason in the back of her head NOT to give in (or to keep xMM from contacting her altogether, knowing that her husband knows and his wife is next in line to know).

 

But from looking at the facts before me, it doesn't look to me like she is considering moving and she has said she does not want to tell her husband and that she is not going to. So it all rests on HER to be strong and not talk to him. Yes that is hard, but the only advice I can give under the situation. I feel it is pretty similar to mine in that I was a single OW who didn't have a spouse to "help" me break off my addiction for the good of my marriage, etc., and I also couldn't realisitcally change jobs (although I was prepared to change to a lesser paying job offer if xMM wouldn't leave me alone and I had to escalate to the next steps of telling his wife and our firm). But there is a kind of personal strength that comes from knowing the power is all yours -- you can continue in an affair because you think it feels good, or you can cut it off for good because you know you are better than that and it is not good for you in the long-run. Taking FF's husband and children out of the picture, and assuming she can't move, she should STILL break off the affair FOR GOOD and stop all contact with xMM for HERSELF, because it is plain for everyone including her to see that xMM is a selfish jerk who can only cause her pain.

 

(Sorry FF to talk about you in the third person)

[Meaplus3]

How long is it going to take to get over the whole A? I am still angry at myself and xmm. He is trying to antagonize me by trying to get a reaction out of me, but I am pretending he is dead. He made a scene when I was at the playground and started yelling at my face hello. I jus pretended he was dead and looked right through him!!!!

 

Hi FF, How long is it going to take? Well honestly until you don't have any feeling's for him left..at least that's what happened in my case and you know how long it took me! Keep acting like he is dead and ignoring him..this will send a message that you could careless. also avoid him every chance you get. Take this at your own pace FF, you will get there. Hug's!

 

AP:)

[JamesM]

As a guy, I think you will make him think you are over him quicker if you don't ignore him but act as if he is just another person.

 

Looking through him and pretending he is not there simply says that you are PRETENDING you are over him. It shows anger and hurt.

 

If you say hello to him just as you would the person next to him, you say, "Hi, I AM over you and think of you as simply an acquaintance." Guys may be dumb, but they are not stupid. He knows that you still have anger and hurt. He knows that this means you can still get over the anger and hurt and come back to him. You have been this way before...angry and hurt, and you HAVE come back.

 

The opposite of love is hatred, but it still shows interest. The one emotion that shows you are over is apathy. You don't care for him anymore than you did before you became intimate with him. He knows he has some pull over you as long as he knows he raises your passion...whether that passion is love or anger.

 

When will you be over him? As soon as you heal from the anger and hurt. As soon as you realize that the only way to be over him is to no longer be emotionally aroused by him. How long does that take? Unfortunately, it differs from person to person. Based on your past history with this guy, I think it still will take a dramatic event...such as a complete revelation to your husband. As long as your relationship is somewhat of a secret, you can retain the notion that you can return to this MM. When you realize that EVERYTHING is in the open, then you will know that it really is over. Then...and only then IMO...can you heal.

[forbidden fruit]

As a guy, I think you will make him think you are over him quicker if you don't ignore him but act as if he is just another person.

 

Looking through him and pretending he is not there simply says that you are PRETENDING you are over him. It shows anger and hurt.

 

If you say hello to him just as you would the person next to him, you say, "Hi, I AM over you and think of you as simply an acquaintance." Guys may be dumb, but they are not stupid. He knows that you still have anger and hurt. He knows that this means you can still get over the anger and hurt and come back to him. You have been this way before...angry and hurt, and you HAVE come back.

 

The opposite of love is hatred, but it still shows interest. The one emotion that shows you are over is apathy. You don't care for him anymore than you did before you became intimate with him. He knows he has some pull over you as long as he knows he raises your passion...whether that passion is love or anger.

 

When will you be over him? As soon as you heal from the anger and hurt. As soon as you realize that the only way to be over him is to no longer be emotionally aroused by him. How long does that take? Unfortunately, it differs from person to person. Based on your past history with this guy, I think it still will take a dramatic event...such as a complete revelation to your husband. As long as your relationship is somewhat of a secret, you can retain the notion that you can return to this MM. When you realize that EVERYTHING is in the open, then you will know that it really is over. Then...and only then IMO...can you heal.

 

Well, things have changed since my last post. I wwas ignorin gmy xmm until he said a very rude comment to my daughter about me. Well that was it and I told him to leave me alone and my family and also what I thought about him. So i opened the door and he walked right in telling me how much he love and misses me and how messed up he is.

 

So in the meantime i am trying to deal with my H. Yesterday saw my h and i talking and walks outside after H left and we talked all day and went in circles. he wanted to meet today, but of course the story changed when his W said she was going to kick him out.

 

So I was so angry and I knew he would do this. I left him a message to leave me the f** alone and do not come near me or my family. Also I told him to rot!! Sorry , but I am so angry and once again I thought things we woul be different. So now I am a basket case and he is off god knows where!!!!!!!!!

[whichwayisup]

FF, could you PM me or do an update? How are you doing.