how to handle seeing the ex

[lbj123]

so tomorrow night I am having dinner with the ex. We've only seen each other once since we broke up almost 3 months ago, at a party, so this will be our first time together alone since the break up. I go into detail on my other posts, but basically he broke up with me out of the blue after a 5 month absolutely incredible relationship, claiming he was having doubts and was afraid of commitment. He has since initiated contact very frequently. I am not sure how things will go tomorrow, though I know that I will absolutely not hook up with him or go back to his place after dinner, as I do not want a FWB situation.

 

I am really looking forward to seeing him and have been feeling pretty confident knowing that I will go into it with an upbeat attitude and with no expectations of anything more than a friendly dinner...but of course now I am starting to feel a little nervous. I just want to know if there are any particular suggestions on how to act, how to handle possible topics that may come up, and how to respond. I still have feelings for him, and still believe that he got freaked out and made a mistake by ending it instead of trying to understand his feelings. But the last thing I want to do it point out his "mistake" or try to convince him why I think he was wrong.

 

I would speculate that he is going to bring up our relationship. He told me just the other day over email that he felt bad about how things ended between us and I responded that he shouldn't feel bad because I am doing well and we are not on not on bad terms with one another, but that email didnt seem like the proper forum for this discussion. I just dont want to get into a convo where I end up laying all of my feelings on the table. Has anyone been through the "dinner with an ex where the intentions of the dinner are somewhat unclear?" How did you handle it? What was the outcome?

[lbj123]

ok, how about if I try asking it this way...

men, if this was you in this situation, what would your intentions be here? Do you think he just wants to be friends, or do you think he wants to get back together? And what do you think the best reponse would be from the girl? if you expressed interest in getting back together, would it almost be too easy if she immediately said yes, that she wanted to get back together too? Do you think you would be more impressed if she said she needed some time to think about it or wanted to take it slow? Would you initiate contact and ask a girl our for dinner if all you wanted was to be freinds?

 

I have never been friends with a ex before, so I guess I am just confused and unsure of how to handle this. Thank you!

[torranceshipman]

If I were you I'd be really friendly n nice but let him bring up the relationship if he wants to. Don't talk about it or lay your feelings on the table, but act open and affectionate, ie like if he does want to make a move or think about getting back with you, he knows he might have a green light.

 

If the conversation does go this way or you kiss or something, make it clear you are not into FWB. Say in a sweet way you think he is so awesome, and your feelings mean you think he is TOO awesome and importany to you to just have aFWB thing (ego stroke, haha!), then just be sweet asbout it and leave it at that. If he wants more he'll make the moves to do so.

 

I just was in this situ with an ex I thought I TOTALLY wanted to get back with and was over the moon when we had an amazin date together recently, but then cause we hadnt defined what it was I said no more dates as I am worried about us becoming FWB and my feelings are too strong...so he came to me and agrees to dating. Goodstuff...but then on our next date I could feel myself REALLY losing interest whiich is totally bizarre as I thought I was so crazy about the guy! Clearly not, lol, so I guess I could do FWB with him now, after all (well lets see how the next date goes, but...!) Just stay firm on your no FWB but be sweet and open to his approaches, I'd say (thats if you want him back...)

[hads1]

who initiated the dinner? i am in a similar situation relationship-wise (he cut things off, but has kept in touch) and am wondering if we should meet up for a drink or dinner just to see where we're at. very curious to hear how this goes....

[lbj123]

last night was the dinner (to answer your question, he completely initiated). We had a GREAT time! Still all of the same chemistry, the same comfortable, easy going way it always was before. I waited for him to bring up our relationship, and when he did he told me how much he's missed me, and how its been hard not having me in his life. We talked about his fears and doubts and he admitted that he let those feelings get in the away of taking things forward. He said that he really wants to start seeing me again. BUT...I messed up. I got a little tipsy, and ended up not holding to my guns...we spend the night at my place and we slept together!! OOPS! It was really really wonderful, but I really had wanted to hold out, so I was a little disappointed in myself that I caved so quickly. But this morning he said he would call me later and he has emailed me already today to check in, so I guess its on the right track!

 

I still feel unsure about where things stand though, and I think I need to confront it head on ASAP. I think I felt a little overwhelmed (which I hadn't expected to feel) from seeing him last night after it had been so long, and by all of the great things that he was saying, that I didnt do a lot of speaking about my own feelings and what I want from the relationship. But now no more excuses, I think the next time he asks me out I need to point blank say something like "I had such a great time the other night, but I just want you to know that I am not interested in just casually dating/hooking up, so if that's where he sees this going, it is probably better off not to go out again."

 

I really hope I didnt mess things up by sleeping with him last night!!!

[lbj123]

I'll just ask this simple question...did I mess up? And if so, what can I do to make it right?

 

I feel deep down that he really does want me, but I fear that by making it easy for him physically, by not fully and completely giving him the time and space to realize what he is missing, he will never reach that point of understanding how much he cares for me. I know he knows how strongly he feels for me, but I do have a sense that thrives on the courting. Taking it slow physically would have ignited that "I have to have her" feeling in him even more than he was feeling it last night.

 

But I feel conflicted about the idea of not being 100% me. The choice I made last night did feel so right to me, and I dont regret it. But the thought that if I had held out and not let me come back to my apt he would be falling all over me, that thought just cant escape me.

 

Last night felt so amazing on so many levels, but its like, now what is he pursuing? He knows he can have me, whereas last week he wasnt sure if he could have me again.

 

Oh goodness. I would have liked to have had more will power. I hope I didnt ruin it.

[Nemo]

, but basically he broke up with me out of the blue after a 5 month absolutely incredible relationship,

You are looking good for another 5 months.

[lbj123]

can you elaborate? Seriously...your thoughts are appreciated!

[Nemo]

can you elaborate? Seriously...your thoughts are appreciated!

Aww.

 

Anyway, he "ended" it once... so what will be different this time? Has he "gone fishing" for three months, and suddenly realised exactly what a catch you are?

 

Why won't history repeat itself in 5 months?

[lbj123]

well, I absolutely have those same thoughts...but what makes me feel otherwise is the fact that he has initiated contact with me since day 1 of our break up. Last night he even said something like "I didn't really think about how it would be between us after ending things. I didn't think about the obvious of us not speaking or seeing each other anymore." he admitted how dumb that sounded but said that as stupid as it was, acknowledging that thought made him realize how much he enjoyed spending time with me and how much he wants to spend tme with me.

 

I've said it before, but he is truly is a good, caring person. While we were together, he always treated me so well and made me feel happy and safe and cared for. And as hurt and shocked as I was, I still do respect someone who is honest about their feelings. I dont want to be with someone who isnt completely sure that they want to be with me. That said, I think he made a rash and dramatic decision and that he should have given it some time, should have tried to work through his fears.

 

I guess I am being a bit naive (is that what you're getting at? ) But I just see something big, a connection that is rare and worth putting more effort into. I am still hung up on last night though...I had intended to keep things non-physical, but desire took over. And the things he said while we were physical were so intimate and beautiful. He expressed feelings that are so on par with mine and even in moments of silence, its as if we both are feeling that intense connection.

 

Can you tell that I like this one?? You really think he is most likely going to jump ship again??

[Nemo]

Can you tell that I like this one?? You really think he is most likely going to jump ship again??

Well, you are stuck to him like glue. And, I think he is 99% likely to stick with you until you start growing facial hair.

 

This looks like a happy ending. You will ride together into the sunset.

[lbj123]

Haha, well i hope you are right! BUT, what about last night? Do you agree that I should have waited? Do you think that may have put a damper on the time he has spent missing me? More importantly, do you have any suggestions for how I should be towards him now and going forward in the near future?

 

Do you think i should say what I suggested, the "I'm not looking for a casual thing, and if thats what you want, I think its better off to not go out again" line, or should I not say anything and go with the flow?

[CalamitousJane]

lbj, sounds like it went great. I think your little "I can't do FWB with you" speech will have even more impact after a night of passion. It shows how serious you are to be able to say that while the craving for more is so strong.

 

It may be that in your case one free sample can help sell the cow

[oppath]

I think it is fine that you had sex after a night of quality time together. I'd just make sure that he is taking you on dates, and make sure his actions indicate that he truly wants a second chance, not just his words.

 

Bang, bang, bang away. Just make him DATE you. Don't settle for him coming over at 10pm to watch Seinfeld reruns and then sex. Don't give him the domesticated parts of a relationship until he earns them.

[marlena]

"I had such a great time the other night, but I just want you to know that I am not interested in just casually dating/hooking up, so if that's where he sees this going, it is probably better off not to go out again."

 

 

 

Dear lbj123,

 

I honestly don't understand what is wrong with two people wanting to make love to one another. To me, it is normal. It is what two mature adults do when they desire one another. Any man who would stereotype a woman as being "easy" because she made love to him too "early on" is not a man. These type of Victorian ideas are simply ludicrous and anachronistic and do not do justice to any civilised society.

 

 

And, yes, I do think, you should lay your cards on the table, look him straight in the eyes and tell him exactly what you are thinking and feeling. Tell him you do not want to play silly, infantile games. Nor do you want to casually date him. Tell him that you want to start a serious relationship with him. If he is intimidated by this, then, you have your answer. Truly, you should care less about what he thinks of you and more about what you think of him.

 

If he can't deal with this type of blatant maturity , then, perhaps, he isn't the right person for you. Lbj123, stop trying to fit his bill. You have every right in the world to assert yourself and explain to him what it is you want from him. Be confident and real.

 

Many a wonderful bond was was born through the act of love.

 

Playing "hard to get" to me is an outdated concept. Two people meet, the sparks go flying and they take it from there.

 

Your boyfriend sounds immature.

 

Playing games is never a good idea.

 

Marlena

[CaliGuy]

Dear lbj123,

 

I honestly don't understand what is wrong with two people wanting to make love to one another. To me, it is normal. It is what two mature adults do when they desire one another. Any man who would stereotype a woman as being "easy" because she made love to him too "early on" is not a man. These type of Victorian ideas are simply ludicrous and anachronistic and do not do justice to any civilised society.

 

The problem with this train of thought it you are assuming neither is making assumptions about the relationship -- and that is where the problem lies.

 

One person is thinking: "I'm going to get my rocks off."

The other person is thinking: "He/she really loves me and wants a relationship..."

 

See what I'm saying here? There is nothing normal about sex outside of marriage. It almost always causes there to be assumptions about the scope and level of a relationship where one person assumes something and the other assumes something completely different.

 

 

And, yes, I do think, you should lay your cards on the table, look him straight in the eyes and tell him exactly what you are thinking and feeling. Tell him you do not want to play silly, infantile games. Nor do you want to casually date him. Tell him that you want to start a serious relationship with him. If he is intimidated by this, then, you have your answer. Truly, you should care less about what he thinks of you and more about what you think of him.

 

If she has to "tell" him this then what he wants and what she wants are two completely different things and thus, he would not be the right man for her.

 

If he can't deal with this type of blatant maturity , then, perhaps, he isn't the right person for you. Lbj123, stop trying to fit his bill. You have every right in the world to assert yourself and explain to him what it is you want from him. Be confident and real.

 

Many a wonderful bond was was born through the act of love.

 

Playing "hard to get" to me is an outdated concept. Two people meet, the sparks go flying and they take it from there.

 

Your boyfriend sounds immature.

 

Playing games is never a good idea.

 

Marlena

 

I agree with all of these sentiments.

[marlena]

The problem with this train of thought it you are assuming neither is making assumptions about the relationship -- and that is where the problem lies.

 

 

 

This is where open communication comes in.

 

There is nothing normal about sex outside of marriage

 

Does this mean that both partners should be virgins?

 

If she has to "tell" him this then what he wants and what she wants are two completely different things and thus, he would not be the right man for her.

 

Not, necessarily. Talking out in the open about what you want/expect out of a relationship let's the other person make an informed decision on whether or not he/she wants to continue being with you. Trying to guess what the other person is feeling or wanting is never a good idea - and definitely not a mature way to appraoch a relationship.

 

I am glad we agree on some points, Cali.

[CaliGuy]

This is where open communication comes in.

 

Easy to say, much harder to do. Communication, open communication is much more rare than we realize.

 

Does this mean that both partners should be virgins?

 

In an ideal world, yes. Realistically that doesn't happen very often. This is why it's very important to stave off as much as possible so the relationship isn't one based on sex. Again, easy to say, much harder to do.

 

 

Not, necessarily. Talking out in the open about what you want/expect out of a relationship let's the other person make an informed decision on whether or not he/she wants to continue being with you. Trying to guess what the other person is feeling or wanting is never a good idea - and definitely not a mature way to appraoch a relationship.

 

I am glad we agree on some points, Cali.

 

How many times has a guy told you just what you wanted to hear to get you in the sack? It's happened to me (my ex was very good about telling me whatever I wanted to hear just so she could get me into the sheets). Once they have their fill then they seem to change their mind about the relationship. Odds are their feelings didn't change at all, they just couldn't keep the lie up.

 

If you want to know if someone really likes you for who you are, don't sleep with them. If they really want to be with you they can wait as long as it takes.

 

Cheers.

[marlena]

In my part of the world, no one waits to get married in order to have sex. It is considered normal to be intimate with someone you are in a relationship with. Most marriages start out that way. A different mentality I guess. Most couples live together long before they decide to tie the knot. It is the norm. Just goes to show how important the environmental factor is in shaping our morality.

[lbj123]

Just to clarify, I didnt jump into the sack with him immediately when we first started dating, but I also do not live in a society of waiting til you are married, just waiting until you are comfortable. And as for the other night, I didnt feel pushed into anything, and in fact, felt really comfortable in the situtation. He felt so warm and loving and in the moment, it didn't feel like a mistake at all.

 

To update, I haven't heard from him since that one email on Friday...He wrote saying hi, that he had a great time, the dinne was delicious and getting to hang out was so great, and he wished me a good weekend. i wrote back thanking him again for dinner and saying I had fun too. that was our last contact. I am pretty shocked, though trying not to overthink it as its only been a few days. Still so confused and feeling in the dark about his intentions, but I am feeling confident that, at least for now, we really cannot have a platonic relationship. We just have too much attraction for one another.

 

Do you think its messed up that I havent heard from him in 3 days, or am I totally overanalyzing?

[CaliGuy]

In my part of the world, no one waits to get married in order to have sex. It is considered normal to be intimate with someone you are in a relationship with. Most marriages start out that way. A different mentality I guess. Most couples live together long before they decide to tie the knot. It is the norm. Just goes to show how important the environmental factor is in shaping our morality.

 

If you chose to let your enviroment dictate how you live then one must of course accept the consequences for doing so.

 

You control your enviroment or it controls you.

 

I'm not trying to judge anyone's morality because I myself have fallen victim as much as anyone else. My point is simply that if a relationship starts with sex, odds are, it will be dictated by it.

[marlena]

If you chose to let your enviroment dictate how you live then one must of course accept the consequences for doing so.

 

 

 

We are all products of our environment and will to a degree be influenced by it as any sociologist will tell you. The extent to which we will be influenced by these environmental factors depends mainly on our intelligence. Our brain will dictate which influences we see fit to adopt and which to reject. Still, a society does have a collective identity and the system of values it will attempt to instill in its members may range from conservative to liberal. Scandivanian countries, for example, are considered to be very liberal in their views regarding sex. Few people would think that sleeping with someone before marriage reflects badly on that person, male or female.

 

My point is simply that if a relationship starts with sex, odds are, it will be dictated by it.

 

With all due respect, I do not think this is necessarily true. I do not think that pre-marital sex is wrong. A relationship can be grounded in a lot of things such as compatibilty, common goals, interests etc.. and good sex. In fact, it should be grounded in all these things,sexual compatibility being one of them. To withold from having sex until you know the other person is understandable (if you are not looking for just sex) but to abstain totally until marriage is senseless.

[marlena]

lbj,

 

I think that what you really need to reflect on are the reasons that led to the break up. How compatible are you with this person? If he thought your having sex again with him was wrong, would you really want to be with someone who thinks this way?

[lbj123]

Marlena, thank you for all of your input. You seem to have a real understanding of my feelings, and I really enjoy hearing your point of view, which I constantly tend to agree with!

 

To clarify, he definitely did NOT think having sex was wrong. And I didn't think it was wrong either. I absolutely agree with you that sexual compatibility and expression is a very important part of a healthy relationship. I could not marry without knowing there was a sexual connection. I think my second guessing of sleeping with him on our first night together after the break up is coming from my own personal feelings and take on the situation between the two of us; which is that with time, he will realize what he is missing and what he wants. IMO, this is not a form of game playing, but more of a concept that I think could help my guy and alleviate him of his fears of commitment. I felt that the longer his thoughts were filled with wondering where things may go between us (or even, the more he wondered whether or not he could have me again), the more he would desire me, and as a result, the more he would begin to recognize his feelings and his true longing for us to be together.

 

I know that you suggested that I try to figure out what caused the breakup, but I'd like to suggest another option. In a recent post I read here on LS, the discussion was about how men vs women cope with break ups. After reading that, I decided that I am not going to get anywhere or feel any better trying to figure out why he wanted to end it. I will only know what he told me, and I feel like its much healthier for me to stop pondering, speculating and disecting, and instead to focus on the present and on the future. I do hope that there is a future for us...I guess right now my biggest challenge is the present and how to handle our current situation in the best possible way for ME.

 

One other piece of info I feel I should share; this summer coming up, as we did last summer (where he and I met), we both rent summer beach houses right next door to one another. Everyone in my house and everyone in his house became very close last summer and the two houses did everything together last summer. I have no doubt that our houses will have the same dynamic this summer as well, as we all have kept in touch and constantly discuss how excited we are for summer. I guess looking into the future of the upcoming summer, it really is important to me that he and I are on very good terms with one another.

 

I look forward to my summer at the beach and I don't want there to be any awkwardness of discomfort. So, I don't want to start a hooking up situation now that by summertime leaves me feeling resentful and angry. BUT, I also don't want to let months go by presently and once summer begins, we get right back into the swing of dating each other. That would make me feel somewhat used; like I'm good enough for a summer fling, but not a year long commitment. Yes, I know I have the choice to do neither, but in being totally honest with myself, I know that we are way too sexually attracted to one another to go all summer spending countless hours together as "just friends". I guess my point here is that avoiding him is impossible, so I really do need to strategize what I should/shouldn't be doing in order to ensure my own happiness and comfort.

 

PS - He called me this evening and we chatted for about 20 minutes. We had a really nice, normal convo, and did not rbring up our intimate end to the evening (except for a little comment that he forgot how comfy my bed is!). We also did not make any plans for getting together again...neither of us brought it up. As i said...not going to read into it...a phone call doesnt always have to end in making plans...just giving the facts to anyone interested! (Thanks 4 listening and sorry to ramble!)

[Racquel Colette]

He's using you to get some until he finds someone he is interested in actually dating.

If you don't mind being used until he meets a girl he likes better, keep on giving it to him at his beck and call because that's where you stand with him.

 

 

 

I'll just ask this simple question...did I mess up? And if so, what can I do to make it right?

 

I feel deep down that he really does want me, but I fear that by making it easy for him physically, by not fully and completely giving him the time and space to realize what he is missing, he will never reach that point of understanding how much he cares for me. I know he knows how strongly he feels for me, but I do have a sense that thrives on the courting. Taking it slow physically would have ignited that "I have to have her" feeling in him even more than he was feeling it last night.

 

But I feel conflicted about the idea of not being 100% me. The choice I made last night did feel so right to me, and I dont regret it. But the thought that if I had held out and not let me come back to my apt he would be falling all over me, that thought just cant escape me.

 

Last night felt so amazing on so many levels, but its like, now what is he pursuing? He knows he can have me, whereas last week he wasnt sure if he could have me again.

 

Oh goodness. I would have liked to have had more will power. I hope I didnt ruin it.