marlena Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 LKJ, I am so glad that he called you. This changes things perceptibly. It shows that he is still interested and that you my ,dear girl, were making up your own scenarios. Try to relax, lighten up a bit,be patient and take it slowly. Second chances are hard as there is already a history of a break up and the fear, ungrounded or not, of still another always lurks in the shadows. One might say that a little chunk of trust was chiseled away. Rebuild that trust slowly and steadily by doing just what you said. Look to the present and the future and put the break up, whatever its causes, behind you. Just be yourself and let the relationship take its own natural course. Follow your instincts and heart but do protect that heart as much as you can. Not just in this relationship but in any. I say the same thing to my daughter. Sounds like you will have a lovely summer! Marlena Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Oops! Sorry lbj! It's morning here and I am still on my first cup of coffee! Link to post Share on other sites
CalamitousJane Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 lbj, it sounds like you're doing great. You waited for him and he didn't let you down. Just keep trusting in the natural connection you have and stay relaxed. I'm dealing with commitment-shyness too, and it works SO much better to be patient and let it all be on his terms. Besides, that gives me plenty of time to work on my own commitment fears. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lbj123 Posted January 16, 2008 Author Share Posted January 16, 2008 Besides, that gives me plenty of time to work on my own commitment fears. Cal - Thank you for your thoughts. This point is actually something that is very true to me as well. It's funny, I absolutely want to make things work with my guy, and of course it is tough not fully understanding how he feels and what brought him to the point of breaking things off, but there is a part of me that thinks taking this space is really a good thing for me. Prior to this relationship, I was married to a guy that I really didn't want to be married to. When I came to the decision to end the marriage, I made a commitment to myself to not make the same mistake of jumping into a relationship without really and truly thinking everything through. Part of me also feels that I am still very much getting to know myself and the past 3/4 months since this breakup with the boyfriend has been all about me! Looking back, I've actually really enjoyed myself these past few months, so despite my sadness and despite missing him, there is a part of me that feels that, going with the "everything happens for a reason" mentality, I'm glad to have had this time for me. I just read your thread...it must be especially difficult with him being so far away. Is he still seeing someone? What's the latest and greatest with him? still calling and emailing a lot? It sounds like you are kind of starting to get over him...do you agree? Link to post Share on other sites
CalamitousJane Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Hey lbj, thanks for asking. He only had a "girlfriend" for six weeks or so, and I behaved horribly. I'm so glad to be out of that pattern. He's calling almost every day again, and wanting to talk longer and longer. I'm not initiating any contact, and am relaxed about responding to him. The last time we talked he wanted to tell me about dreams he'd had and the details of stories from his past that he'd never told me before. We haven't talked about our relationship since our break, except that he has started to fondly bring up memories of things we did and talked about when we were crazy in love. We agreed that we would tell each other if we were seeing anyone, and one thing I know for sure about him is that he's honest to a fault. It feels really good to still have that connection with him, but I'm not at all sure he would be capable of staying so emotionally close if we were geographically closer. In a way it's a blessing to be so far apart. If we were on the same continent I know we'd wind up in bed every time we saw each other, and it would be a lot harder to get clarity. Meanwhile, it's fun for me to man-hunt, and who knows what I'll find. It's really interesting to consider whether each guy I meet could be husband material. It changes everything when I imagine waking up next to someone 20 years from now. Plus it takes the whole "does he like me" component out of every encounter. So, yeah. Taking it slow is good. And letting him come to you is excellent. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 We are all products of our environment and will to a degree be influenced by it as any sociologist will tell you. The extent to which we will be influenced by these environmental factors depends mainly on our intelligence. Our brain will dictate which influences we see fit to adopt and which to reject. Still, a society does have a collective identity and the system of values it will attempt to instill in its members may range from conservative to liberal. Scandivanian countries, for example, are considered to be very liberal in their views regarding sex. Few people would think that sleeping with someone before marriage reflects badly on that person, male or female. I beg to differ. I think one's faith has much more of an influence than society. If one is bowing down to social customs I'd have to wonder why. With all due respect, I do not think this is necessarily true. I do not think that pre-marital sex is wrong. A relationship can be grounded in a lot of things such as compatibilty, common goals, interests etc.. and good sex. In fact, it should be grounded in all these things,sexual compatibility being one of them. To withold from having sex until you know the other person is understandable (if you are not looking for just sex) but to abstain totally until marriage is senseless. Senseless based on what reasoning? If you look up the stats, and I'll find them somewhere, marriages which included premarital sex tended to not last as long as marriages that did not. I realize that is a generalization to some, but the point I am trying to make is sexual compatibility is far less important than personality compatibility. Love can and often does lead to good sex. Good sex doesn't always translate into lasting love. At least IMHO. The basis for love needs to be on personality compatibility. When sex is involved early and often in a relationship, it skews the perception of the relationship. I could go into a lengthy dissertation, but I'm sure you understand where I am going with this. We put far too much emphasis on sexual compatibility and much less on personality compatibility. Many divorces could be avoided by simply keeping it in your pants longer to make sure you're marrying the person for the right reasons. I know you don't see a problem with premarital sex, I'm just trying to give you the other perspective. And yes, my faith does have a lot to do with what I see as right or wrong in relation to this subject. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 I think one's faith has much more of an influence than society. That, too, my friend is indoctrination. If one is bowing down to social customs I'd have to wonder why. With all due respect, if one is b owing down to religious dogma I'd have to wonder why,too. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 That, too, my friend is indoctrination. Not from where I stand it isn't. With all due respect, if one is b owing down to religious dogma I'd have to wonder why,too. Dogma? Why does one's faith have to be dogma while lemming one's self to society is not considered a bad thing? How is it that society is more intelligent than the creator of all things? I can see we're not going to agree on this. It's your life to do as you please. I'm not your judge in the end Cheers. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Why does one's faith have to be dogma while lemming one's self to society is not considered a bad thing? I am basically non-conformist. How is it that society is more intelligent than the creator of all things? I never said that. It's your life to do as you please. I'm not your judge in the end I will be the first to defend your right to live your life as you please. I am no one's judge neither d I want to be. Let's just agree to disagree. OK? Peace! Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 I am basically non-conformist. Wouldn't the definition of a conformist be one who conforms to societies ideals and not Gods? If that is the case, and I think it is, you would indeed be a conformist and not a non-conformist. Society says it's ok to do what you feel like, regardless of the consequences to others. Such as premartial sex. God says otherwise. I never said that. No, but that's how it came off I will be the first to defend your right to live your life as you please. I am no one's judge neither d I want to be. Let's just agree to disagree. OK? Peace! Gotcha. Link to post Share on other sites
Racquel Colette Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Hey Cal, how's this going for you with this guy? Has he begged you back yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts