If betrayal was involved...don't even try!

[Tormented]

For those of you who are struggling with the pain of a cheating-involved breakup, do yourself a favor by walking away from it now...and never look back. Believe me, you'll save yourself a lot of unneccessary anguish down the road. I should know...

 

I've been through a 2-year-hell-and-back drama with my ex that will forever leave a scar on my heart. I can't even count the number of times I've pounded out my pain and frustration in regards to my ex on this board, and despite the excellent advice I received from the posters here, as well as my resolve to walk away from him, somehow...someway...I ended up back in a relationship with him. Yeah, I know...stupid. Not to mention weak. Love is a bitch sometimes.

 

Each time he re-entered my life, he gave me his word that he would never, EVER betray me again. Why did he cheat? In his words..."I did a stupid thing."

 

Yeah, well...your "stupidity" has caused me 2 years of deep pain and damage, you selfish jerk. Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

 

And here's the kicker. He did everything in his power (and even succeeded at times) to convince me that my trust issues were the reason for our problems. Gee...I wonder WHERE I acquired the inability to trust? He betrayed me in the cruelest way imaginable - then complains when I can't readily believe everything he says.

 

I guess the point I'm making here is once the trust has been destroyed there's nothing left to build on. I suppose it can be done - with a LOT of hard work and dedication - but even with that there's no guarantee the trust can be completely restored. Once a person has proven that they are capable of betraying you, it becomes very difficult, if not impossible, to ever fully trust them again.

 

Or, at least, it is for me.

 

To be in a relationship where you always feel guarded, where you doubt 50% or more of what they say, where you find yourself in a state of anxiety because you just KNOW the boomer is coming, where you can't relax and enjoy the fun times for fear they are going to be ripped away from you by another betrayal...to be in that type of relationship is hell. Very toxic for your well-being - both physically and psychologically. And you find yourself wondering which is worse...living your life WITH them, or WITHOUT them.

 

After 2 years of a hellish on-again-off-again relationship with this man, I made the painful decision to purge this poison out of my life. And like an addict, I know I will have periods of withdrawl and sadness. I will mourn him, will miss him, will have moments of weakness where I will ache to contact him. I know...I've been down this path so many times it feels like home. Pathetic, really. But self-induced. Afterall, it was my decision to go back with him...repeatedly.

 

It won't happen again. I'm fed up and I'm taking my life back.

 

Listen to me...If your ex cheated on you - WALK AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK.

 

If you go back, you'll regret it.

 

Guaranteed.

 

~T~

[Davey McG]

This is a post that A LOT of people on this forum should read. Good advice

[Navin_R_Johnson]

 

To be in a relationship where you always feel guarded, where you doubt 50% or more of what they say, where you find yourself in a state of anxiety because you just KNOW the boomer is coming, where you can't relax and enjoy the fun times for fear they are going to be ripped away from you by another betrayal...to be in that type of relationship is hell. Very toxic for your well-being - both physically and psychologically. And you find yourself wondering which is worse...living your life WITH them, or WITHOUT them.

 

Wow, this is so true...

[PinkRibbon]

Very intense post. I am glad you posted this and I hope things work out for you.

[serendip]

And here's the kicker. He did everything in his power (and even succeeded at times) to convince me that my trust issues were the reason for our problems. Gee...I wonder WHERE I acquired the inability to trust? He betrayed me in the cruelest way imaginable - then complains when I can't readily believe everything he says.

 

 

This is so true....it happen to me too. My ex cheated on me for mths...She sort of told me about it(half truths) afterwards. I thought we could work it out and I forgave her. Then she did it again by going out behind my back with the guy and lied to me about it. Then she said I had trust and jealousy issues meanwhile she cheated on me....it's crazy.

 

I am so sad that things had to end with us. I can't believe you couldn't trust me and that you went to the extent you did to try to keep me away from xxxx. It has nothing to do with xxxx. It has to do with you and me. You obviously have major trust and insecurity issues. It is so sad because we were so happy together.

 

I dont' really want to bring up the past (8 months ago)..I already apologized for that. I am just appalled at your behaviour over the last month...your anger and jealousy were uncalled for.

 

So for some unexplainable reason she didn't see the correlation between her cheating and my trust, insecurity, anger and jealousy issues...after I already forgave her for cheating. I suddenly have jealousy and trust issues meanwhile a month before this I had no problem with her going skiing for the weekend with her ex boyfriend(they shared a room)...it never even bothered me b/c she never cheated on me with him.

Edited January 10, 2008 by serendip

[bish]

Well said Tormented.. Nobody should EVER have to put up with a cheater.

I understand the thought processes behind betrayed spouses who want to stay. Been there done that. But in the end...life with a cheater is no life at all.

 

I've said it before, I'm not going to best someone for staying for whatever reasons when you are married and have kids...its hard...very hard.

But divorcing my X was the best thing I could have ever done. Because if I didn't...all I'd be doing is waking up and looking at the face of a cheater and thinking, "this can't be my life".

 

Nobody, except cheaters themselves(and maybe the criminally insane) deserve a life like that.

[watchconcierge]

For those of you who are struggling with the pain of a cheating-involved breakup, do yourself a favor by walking away from it now...and never look back. Believe me, you'll save yourself a lot of unneccessary anguish down the road. I should know...

 

I've been through a 2-year-hell-and-back drama with my ex that will forever leave a scar on my heart. I can't even count the number of times I've pounded out my pain and frustration in regards to my ex on this board, and despite the excellent advice I received from the posters here, as well as my resolve to walk away from him, somehow...someway...I ended up back in a relationship with him. Yeah, I know...stupid. Not to mention weak. Love is a bitch sometimes.

 

Each time he re-entered my life, he gave me his word that he would never, EVER betray me again. Why did he cheat? In his words..."I did a stupid thing."

 

Yeah, well...your "stupidity" has caused me 2 years of deep pain and damage, you selfish jerk. Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

 

And here's the kicker. He did everything in his power (and even succeeded at times) to convince me that my trust issues were the reason for our problems. Gee...I wonder WHERE I acquired the inability to trust? He betrayed me in the cruelest way imaginable - then complains when I can't readily believe everything he says.

 

I guess the point I'm making here is once the trust has been destroyed there's nothing left to build on. I suppose it can be done - with a LOT of hard work and dedication - but even with that there's no guarantee the trust can be completely restored. Once a person has proven that they are capable of betraying you, it becomes very difficult, if not impossible, to ever fully trust them again.

 

Or, at least, it is for me.

 

To be in a relationship where you always feel guarded, where you doubt 50% or more of what they say, where you find yourself in a state of anxiety because you just KNOW the boomer is coming, where you can't relax and enjoy the fun times for fear they are going to be ripped away from you by another betrayal...to be in that type of relationship is hell. Very toxic for your well-being - both physically and psychologically. And you find yourself wondering which is worse...living your life WITH them, or WITHOUT them.

 

After 2 years of a hellish on-again-off-again relationship with this man, I made the painful decision to purge this poison out of my life. And like an addict, I know I will have periods of withdrawl and sadness. I will mourn him, will miss him, will have moments of weakness where I will ache to contact him. I know...I've been down this path so many times it feels like home. Pathetic, really. But self-induced. Afterall, it was my decision to go back with him...repeatedly.

 

It won't happen again. I'm fed up and I'm taking my life back.

 

Listen to me...If your ex cheated on you - WALK AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK.

 

If you go back, you'll regret it.

 

Guaranteed.

 

~T~

 

Hey... I was betrayed by my wife... She says she didn't cheat, but I caught her talking to a guy for a week after a girls night out... Any way... Every time she would go out after that, I was extremely stressed... nervous, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep... It was horrible... I finally left her because she was stepping up her going out efforts and even staying the night at friends...

 

So what's my point? I've gone out with a few different girls after her (we've only been apart a couple of months) and these girls go out with their friends to bars and stuff... and it doesn't bother me in the least.

 

The issue I have with her going out is only about the betrayal and it's only with her. I don't trust her.

 

I hope you catch my point... I'm saying that in my limited experience, if one person betrays you, the issue is with that person and may not spread onto every person with whom you have relationships in the future.

 

Hope this helps.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Word.

 

For me, it has less to do with the “cheating” part as it does the inherent dishonesty and lack of integrity within the individual.

 

Those who who prefer to “demand” unconditional trust rather than earn it, are usually those who deserve it the least.

[Tormented]

This is so true....it happen to me too. My ex cheated on me for mths...She sort of told me about it(half truths) afterwards. I thought we could work it out and I forgave her. Then she did it again by going out behind my back with the guy and lied to me about it. Then she said I had trust and jealousy issues meanwhile she cheated on me....it's crazy.

 

Incredible...isn't it? Well, it really shouldn't suprise us that they attempt to shift the blame...manipulation at its highest form. They've already proven that they lack integrity and respect, especially for others. What people like you and me need to remember is that the inadequacy doesn't lie within us..that belongs entirely to them. Our primary focus should be placed on how and why we got involved with people such as this, and worse, gave them a second chance to screw us around again when they've already proven themselves untrustworthy. Ever heard of co-dependency? Yep, I think you and I fall under this umbrella.

 

I am so sad that things had to end with us. I can't believe you couldn't trust me and that you went to the extent you did to try to keep me away from xxxx. It has nothing to do with xxxx. It has to do with you and me. You obviously have major trust and insecurity issues. It is so sad because we were so happy together.

 

I dont' really want to bring up the past (8 months ago)..I already apologized for that. I am just appalled at your behaviour over the last month...your anger and jealousy were uncalled for.

 

Oh, brrrrother!

 

Sounds so very familiar to the song and dance my ex tried to cram down my throat.

 

"You have to let the past stay in the past if we're going to make it. I know I made a bad mistake, but you've got to trust me. I think your trust issues are from past ex's, not just because of me."

Wrong. I had absolutely no trust issues prior to him, yet he chose to blame others for my lack of trust. Again, manipulation at its highest form. People like our exes will do anything to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions - will try to minimize the damage they've done or shift the blame onto their victim(s). In a nutshell, they lack a healthy conscience. It's all about self-gain, regardless of the damage it does to others. And you better believe they will do it to future partners as well. Mine did it to his ex-wife...justifying it by saying that she "was emotionally cold toward him." That should had been a HUGE red flag for me, but I went forward anyway.

 

Never again!

 

 

So for some unexplainable reason she didn't see the correlation between her cheating and my trust, insecurity, anger and jealousy issues...after I already forgave her for cheating. I suddenly have jealousy and trust issues meanwhile a month before this I had no problem with her going skiing for the weekend with her ex boyfriend(they shared a room)...it never even bothered me b/c she never cheated on me with him.

 

Of course she didn't, just as my ex chose not to. To do so would would mean taking responsibility for the damage and pain inflicted. Instead, they elect to shift the table and blame us for having "trust issues."

 

And the really strange thing is...my ex was frequently suspicious and jealous for absolutely no reason. I now understand why. People are often fearful of things they are guilty of. In other words, a cheater automatically assumes that everybody cheats.

 

Sad, isn't it?

 

~T~

[Tormented]

But in the end...life with a cheater is no life at all.

 

AMEN to that! Don't I know it!

 

I've said it before, I'm not going to best someone for staying for whatever reasons when you are married and have kids...its hard...very hard.

But divorcing my X was the best thing I could have ever done. Because if I didn't...all I'd be doing is waking up and looking at the face of a cheater and thinking, "this can't be my life".

 

Not to mention that you'd live your life with a partner you can't trust. Every word they say, you doubt. Every time they walk out the door, you can't help but wonder what sneaky thing they're up to now. And, of course, once the cheating has been discovered and you choose to stay in the relationship, you risk losing some self-respect for putting up with it.

 

No, not a life I want. To be honest, I'd rather be alone than spend my life that way. Congrats on your wise decision!

 

Nobody, except cheaters themselves(and maybe the criminally insane) deserve a life like that.

 

I very much agree!

 

~T~

[underpants]

Tor,

 

I'm sorry, but your ex is a stain. (mine is too )

 

I am glad you have decided that you can and should do better then that.

 

What ever happened to that motorcycle fellow?

[watchconcierge]

"So for some unexplainable reason she didn't see the correlation between her cheating and my trust, insecurity, anger and jealousy issues...after I already forgave her for cheating. I suddenly have jealousy and trust issues meanwhile a month before this I had no problem with her going skiing for the weekend with her ex boyfriend(they shared a room)...it never even bothered me b/c she never cheated on me with him."

 

So true!! My ex could talk to her exes, go out to the bars, girls nights, whatever... It didn't phase me... Then after the one girls night and talking with the guy for a week and lying about it and hiding it from me (even sleeping in my daughter's room so she could text with this guy), I ended up with major trust issues, insecurity, etc.

 

It culminated in me leaving. I felt like I was becoming a control freak... but I was able to control my control issues by self medicating so I would let her do what she wanted, but finally I couldn't handle it. And I never had issues like that in my 35 years. Not until a little over a year ago -- only with her -- and not with the girls after her.

 

And I feel like her friends and family think that something is wrong with me. And that's very frustrating.... I was the one who was betrayed. I couldn't get past it. So don't encourage her... UGH!!! Very frustrating... Sorry to vent in your thread.

[watchconcierge]

Of course she didn't, just as my ex chose not to. To do so would would mean taking responsibility for the damage and pain inflicted. Instead, they elect to shift the table and blame us for having "trust issues."

 

And the really strange thing is...my ex was frequently suspicious and jealous for absolutely no reason. I now understand why. People are often fearful of things they are guilty of. In other words, a cheater automatically assumes that everybody cheats.

 

Sad, isn't it?

 

~T~

 

 

You said... "People are often fearful of things they are guilty of. In other words, a cheater automatically assumes that everybody cheats."

 

My reply is that unfortunately, when I would become suspicious after she betrayed me, she would mention what you said sometimes. I would end up getting accused of cheating... Because one or some of her friends told her that if I bring up stuff like that, then I must be cheating on her. Frustrating. It's not always a clear indicator.

 

 

[watchconcierge]

Not to mention that you'd live your life with a partner you can't trust. Every word they say, you doubt. Every time they walk out the door, you can't help but wonder what sneaky thing they're up to now. And, of course, once the cheating has been discovered and you choose to stay in the relationship, you risk losing some self-respect for putting up with it.

 

~T~

 

SO TRUE! You always wonder if she is going where she says she's going. If she's doing what she says. If you can't get ahold of her bc she left her phone in the car... UGH! Not a good way to live...

 

BTW - I'm at almost 24 hours of NC!!! YAY!!

[watchconcierge]

I very much agree!

 

~T~

 

Tormented....

 

I very much want to pull a bunch of your quotes out of this thread and send them in an email to my ex. You have SO validated me and my position.

 

But what good would it do to send her an email with this stuff in it? I'm sure it wouldn't do any good. She is who she is and how she is. Me sending her this great info would be a waste and would break my NC and possibly make me look NEEDY! Don't need that. So she can live her life that way and repeat those mistakes and lead that includes acting that way and the repercussions.

 

Thanks so much for your words.

[Tormented]

Every time she would go out after that, I was extremely stressed... nervous, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep... It was horrible... I finally left her because she was stepping up her going out efforts and even staying the night at friends...

 

Oh yeah...I know the feeling. Being on edge, the inabilitity to enjoy any positive aspects in the relationship because you lack the trust to rely on it, doubting everything they say and their motives, and living in the fear that your world as you know it could be abruptly pulled out from under you at their "cheating" whim. Security, serenity, peace of mind, happiness, contentment no longer exist in your world. NOT a way to live!

 

Even if your wife hadn't stepped up her "friend's night out" adventures, good chances are you would've eventually left anyway. Once the trust has been damaged, it's almost impossible to ever fully trust them again. It's a life of hell, for sure.

 

So what's my point? I've gone out with a few different girls after her (we've only been apart a couple of months) and these girls go out with their friends to bars and stuff... and it doesn't bother me in the least.

 

Well, it may not bother you right now because you're not as emotionally involved with them as you were (are) your wife. You are dating them, not married to them. Also, these girls are being upfront with you about what they're doing instead of sneaking around behind your back as your wife did. It makes a BIG difference.

 

The issue I have with her going out is only about the betrayal and it's only with her. I don't trust her.

 

Exactly. That was my issue as well...the lies and deceit. I never had any trust issues with my exes of the past, only with him. Yes, I loved him, very much in fact, but living like that was taking too much of a toll on me, both physically and emotionally, and it just wasn't worth it anymore. You know, we only live once and it's a waste to spend it so miserably. Especially so when there are others available who can bring us happiness.

 

I hope you catch my point... I'm saying that in my limited experience, if one person betrays you, the issue is with that person and may not spread onto every person with whom you have relationships in the future.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Yes, it did help...thank you!

 

And I agree. I don't think distrust is a disease that spreads into other areas of your life. I know in my case it is HIM I don't trust, not men in general. He's given me good reason to distrust him although he refuses to acknowlege it. But then, he's cheated on others in the past; his ex-wife, for instance.

 

Guess that's what they mean by..."once a cheater, always a cheater."

 

~T~

[Tormented]

For me, it has less to do with the “cheating” part as it does the inherent dishonesty and lack of integrity within the individual.

 

Bingo! That's really the core of it. Their ability to look you in the face and lie, and worse, their obvious lack of conscience. Nope, not the type of person you could ever rely on or enjoy a peaceful future with.

 

Those who who prefer to “demand” unconditional trust rather than earn it, are usually those who deserve it the least.

 

I really have to stand up and applaud this one! So very, VERY true!

 

~T~

[watchconcierge]

What a great thread!

T

[underpants]

She is who she is and how she is.

 

That is the gist of it.

 

I would not send a bunch of emails. It will most likely get you no where. I sent a few and near the end I said just that "you simply are who you are".

 

Not all people cheat or have it in their core to do so. I just try to identify those that do and weed them out accordingly. Yes, they will repeat destructive patterns. Especially, if they cannot acknowledge the behaviour to begin with. Blame shift is very unattractive. Some people spend their whole lives avoiding themselves.

 

As painful as betrayl is, it can help you identify and eliminate/prevent similiar experiences in the future if you learn from the past.

 

I wish you both emotionally richer and more fulfilling relationships in the new year.

[Tormented]

I'm sorry, but your ex is a stain. (mine is too )

 

Hey Unders...so good to see you here!

 

Yep, you know the looong and ugly story with my ex. You know the hell I've been through with this jerk. And you've given me some great advise in the past - thank you! But like a complete fool, I kept going back for more, always thinking that it would somehow be different this time - that he and I could somehow *fix* this permanently damaged relationship.

 

Boy...talk about denial, huh?

 

Guess some folks have to learn the hard way. But damn...

 

I am glad you have decided that you can and should do better then that.

 

Oh, I've done this before, as you know...stomped off in a huff with the resolve to stay away from him. This time, though, something within me has changed. I don't know if that change came suddenly or gradually...all I know is it feels as though I've come out of this fog, looked around and saw things for what they really were, and decided it wasn't a place I wanted to be in anymore.

 

You know, you can only fool (or delude) yourself for so long before reality finally sets in. I guess I've always known that in the end, I could never spend the rest of my life with this man. Not with this huge cloud of doubt hanging over my head. I've always known he couldn't be trusted on several levels, not just in the "fidelity" department. He's done things in his past that were absolutely horrible, yet he feels no remourse. In fact, he feels justified instead and it never fails to send goose bumps down my spine.

 

So, I had to finally sit down and analyz WHY I kept returning to him. I loved him, yes, but that wasn't entirely it. I live in a very small mountain town and the pool of quality singles is close to non-existent. He and I would split up, I'd stay away for awhile...get lonely for the lack of a partner, and wham - back to him. Well, that's just not acceptable anymore. At this point, I'd rather be alone. In fact, I feel more at peace alone than I ever did with him.

 

What ever happened to that motorcycle fellow?

 

He and I dated casually but nothing serious. Nice man, but he lived almost 60 miles away so we didn't see each other much. And then along came my ex...again...and well, the rest is history.

 

DUMB move on my part!

 

How are things going in your world??

 

~T~

[oppath]

near the end I said just that "you simply are who you are".

Yep. If they were truly remorseful, they would not have even put themselves in that position, and if they did, they'd take greater accountability in their remorse.

 

As painful as betrayl is, it can help you identify and eliminate/prevent similiar experiences in the future if you learn from the past.

 

I wish you both emotionally richer and more fulfilling relationships in the new year.

 

Exactly. I do not know if my ex actually cheated. I do know that her recent ex before me would fly into town, hang out with her all day, ask her "are you dating someone," she would tell him "no" to spare his feelings, and he would spend the night at her house, and some of her best friends did not know I existed. When he learned about me, he asked for her back, essentially proposing to her. She didn't tell me this and broke up with me one week later after acting evasive all week. I felt quite manipulated when she asked me to be friends with benefits 2 weeks later and I learned from a friend about her ex.

 

Well, I didn't know all that was going on with him. But I did try to be the nice guy and allow her to have a friendship and not crush his feelings. I'd say "I feel disrespected" but I'd leave it at that. Where can i learn? Boundaries. As soon as we are exclusive, if you are talking to your ex, I want you to say "oh, by the way, I have a new boyfriend." If this would hurt him, perhaps you aren't ready to be friends. Want to hang out with an ex? Can I come too? Neither of those requests are jealous or controlling. In healthy relationships, your bf/gf wouldn't hesitate. If after a few months of dating, I haven't met a group of my gf's friends who she has hung out with a half dozen times, that is a big red flag, and it doesn't make me jealous to want to meet them.

 

A lot of people do not take their betrayal into their next relationship because they have more tight boundaries. So be less forgiving. If anything, you sometimes need to be more jealous and controlling.

[Tormented]

You said... "People are often fearful of things they are guilty of. In other words, a cheater automatically assumes that everybody cheats."

 

My reply is that unfortunately, when I would become suspicious after she betrayed me, she would mention what you said sometimes. I would end up getting accused of cheating... Because one or some of her friends told her that if I bring up stuff like that, then I must be cheating on her. Frustrating. It's not always a clear indicator.

 

 

 

Yes, but there's a difference. If you've never cheated on your partner, nor have given them ANY reason to doubt or distrust you but they do anyway...this is a good indicator that you're being accused of something they are guilty of, or capable of.

 

There's a BIG difference between having trust issues as the result of an actual betrayal, and having trust issues in general for no apparent reason.

 

Hope this helped...

 

~T~

[watchconcierge]

Yes, but there's a difference. If you've never cheated on your partner, nor have given them ANY reason to doubt or distrust you but they do anyway...this is a good indicator that you're being accused of something they are guilty of, or capable of.

 

There's a BIG difference between having trust issues as the result of an actual betrayal, and having trust issues in general for no apparent reason.

 

Hope this helped...

 

~T~

LOL... You are right! I was actually being accused of cheating by the betrayer on... like... a third level... I had a reason to be suspicious and then would get accused by the person who did it before... by accusing me of cheating and the proof was that I was accusing her... the proven betrayer. HA HA!! Touche

[watchconcierge]

And you know what? When it comes to cheating... I have NEVER cheated on a partner... girlfriend, fiancee, wife... AND if a girl had a boyfriend, I HAVE NEVER infringed. I won't go there. Not even at the boyfriend level. I don't get cheating. I just don't.

[underpants]

Tor,

 

Don't kick yourself for trying. Just learn from it. I don't know this guy but I don't like him for you.

 

You read as a strong, intelligent woman, that has the ability to be a good partner. I don't think he deserves you and you would be selling a piece of your integrity by settling for the treatment that he has displayed and repeated through out his relationships.

 

Believe it or not, your threads have helped me too.

 

We both fell off our turnip trucks at about the same time.

 

It was not too long ago that I had that "oh snap" contact. After seeing him again, I just felt a sort of contempt. He will always treat people the way that he does and twist the logic and rewrite the past to accommodate his sense of entitlements. I just count myself lucky to not be sucked back in. In part your story as well as other valuable insights here helped me to not want to go there again. He actually kind of repulses me.

 

Thats funny that you say you would rather be alone. That was on of the first things I said to my ex. 'Being alone is better then being with you'. I was actually relieved for a while, like I was on vacation.

 

While I have honestly had bouts of lonely times here and there, my heart is not with him. It is open for an opportunity with someone better for me. If I never get another shot at romance, it is still better then a proven bad relationship.

 

Just give yourself some time. You may have never truely and fully let him go. Once you do that other men will start to look very attractive.

 

That is too bad about the motorcycle guy. Don't kick yourself for that either. You could try to contact him again though, if you think you might have not given him a real chance?

 

I think an hour away is a perfect distance. However, I like my time alone.

 

I'm rooting for you Tor.