is she playing games or is she confused>

[hurtharry]

My girlfriend of 5 years and mother of my 13 month old son left me 8 weeks ago. This is the hardest thing that I have ever faced in my life. We were so much in love, the only thing we argued about was my drinking. I was an occasional drinker, up until my father had serious health problems, then I started to drink more. She has never liked this. She warned me in the past that she would leave me. I could not brake free until it was too late. I have now been sober for 8 weeks, too late though. She has told me from the beginning to a couple of weeks ago that it is over, maybe a chance in 6 months or so. She constantly reminds me that it is over, but acts nice to me. We own a house together and 2 cars. She told me that she wanted to stay friends for our son. It would have been so much easier to leave her without having our son. It would have been easier if she was mean and turned her back on me.

But, here is my problem. I would say 95% of every day that she has off, we are together. I am trying like hell to fix this problem. We go out shopping and we went to San Francisco 1 day. Everytime that we are together we act like best friends, I always make her laugh. She always puts her arm around my arm, waist and butt. I will hug her and rub her back (sometimes kiss her head). She has let me give her a generic back massage, and a few feet massages. She always calls me HUN and babe. She will say we and us in future terms. (ex. we should by the XMen 1 DVD since we know we will buy XMen2) A few times I have left her in a store and came back looking for her, and she would wave at me and smile, like she was so happy that I found her. She will call me a few times a day and tell me about her day or how our son is doing. She lets me see him as much as I want, for now. She invites me to do things with her, not all things. I let her stay at the house for now and I stay at my parents, I have slept at our house (in a seperate bed) for 40% of the time since brake up. When she talks to me from work, she sometimes has adifferent tone, like putting up a front for coworkers. When we are not hanging out on her days off, she sometimes treats me different. Sometimes OK all the way to mean. When she gets mean she says sorry.

 

She is from the Philippines and her culture is different, so I cant tell if this is why she is being nice. I met her in the US.

She has never had a true best friend, to talk too. She has a semi-good friend in NY, that she will say bad things about. I have been talking to this friend, she says she is keeping that a secret. She 1st told me that my girlfriend said that we have a chance and that she still loves me. Then I had her call my girlfriend back with questions I gave her. Her friend then told me it is over and there is no chance. I should move on. It is hard to understand her friend since she has poor english and little emotion. I dont know if what she told friend was true or confusion still. She has met new friends in this last 6 months. They are all single and have no responsiblites. I think they are bad influences. All they want to do is go out and party, they are even getting her to drink, which is why she left me.

 

How long does it take for a women to make up her mind. Should I let her play with my heart anymore. I would do anything to fix this relationship and to keep my sons' parents together. Why is she so nice to me, is she confused or just thinking we are friends. The days we are together I feel that at any time we will be back together, then during the week I tear myself apart and say its probably over.

 

I talked to a lawyer about child custody. I am screwed. She can make it (if she wanted too) that I could see him 4 hours during the week and alternating weekends. At my pay and hers, I would pay $500 a month plus 1/2 childcare and medical/dental. I could pay up to $800 - $900 a month, that would leave me in the ghetto. What a messed up situtiation.

 

We had the Big Talk 2 weeks ago and she said it is over for good. No Chance. She said she is the happiest that she has ever been. She doesnt have to worry about my opions. She enjoys her freedom. I told her I want 50% custody and we have to sell the house. She got real nervous and asked how is she going to support her parents and herself. I said this is not my concern. She thought she was going to stay in the house for a few years. I cant afford that. She has asked if she can stay in the house and for me to move out. I dont think she realizes that most of the furniture is coming with me.

 

She went out this Saturday with coworkers and went to Reno, she stayed out until 4am. I talked to her coworker that went and she verified this with a very believable story. Their was 2 other guys there. One bought her dinner and one she danced with. These 2 guys are rumored to be gay and are leaving the state at the end of this month (taveling xray techs), so I am not to worried about them. She always wanted to go out and dance, but I never did this because I cant dance. She also want to hang out with coworkers and I was always jealous and asked for her not too. So maybe a little to controlling. I did let her do whatever she wanted except hanging out late or doing events without me (ex. sking). So this one time of going out is not to bad, since she is experimenty with her space. When she got home she told me about the great time (this really helped me) and asked if I was OK. I said ya. She said not to worry, I can trust her. Trust her, if she is done with me then why would she think I should trust her, she should be able to have sex or whatever if we are done.

 

My mom just got back from Cancun, and the stories got her excited. She has been talking about going there with me. Then this week she told friends from work, and now another couple wants to go. She also brought up that were would I sleep, on the floor. Now I dont want to go. She also has been asking me to go to the Philippines. Why is she making all these plans for us, if we are seperated. We can be friendly to each other, but not best friends and do all this together.

 

Why does she hold me, say hun and babe, hangout with me, talk about vacations and so on, if she is done with me. Is she using me, is she slowly trying to let go, is she confused. I cant stop thinking about everything.

 

Sorry for to long of letter, just trying to let off some steam.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Just A Girl2]

First of all, what ages are you?

 

How did the 2 of you meet?

 

Sounds to me like she's a combination of 'confused'......'enjoying her freedom' (that she maybe never had before, particularly if she was pregnant at a young age and with you at an early age) and 'taking advantage of you.'

 

First of all, she's nuts if she thinks she can end things with you but expect that she's going to be able to remain in your home, with you footing the bills and you having to go live at your parent's house. If she really wants things over, then yeah, you should sell the house (and obviously have a lawyer to advise you on all this) and determine how the equity in the home should be split between you both.

 

It definitely is confusing and strange that she's treating you just like a boyfriend (other than not having sex) and being so friendly and talking about future plans (trip to cancun, going to the philippines, etc) but on the other hand telling you it's definitely over.

 

I hate to say it but perhaps she enjoys the "benefits" of having you around (something to hang out with, someone to show affection to, etc) but doesn't want to make the full commitment but instead wants to be able to come and go as she pleases...like she's now had the taste of the "single life" and all the fun and she knows that she couldn't live like this if still in a relationship with you.

 

That night she was out til 4am...may I ask, who was watching your child?

 

Was your drinking really interfering with your relationship, or do you think she's used this as a convenient "excuse" to break things off with you so that she can live the single life?

 

Funny to me that if she thought your drinking was creating such a problem, that she'd now be out at bars and drinking herself.

 

If I were you, I'd stand your ground and remain living in YOUR home (not with your parents). She has no right to force you to leave.

 

Who's name is the house/mortgage in? (the title of the home)

 

Does she work?

 

Who pays all the bills/mortgage/groceries/utilities?

 

If you're paying for most or all of it, you darn well should not be told to move out ......I don't think.

 

If you've seen one lawyer, you might want to see another.......sort of like getting a 'second opinion'.....to ensure you know your rights here, considering you 2 aren't married but do live together, and share a home. You don't want to be taken advantage of.....eg) you working hard to pay for everything while she reaps the benefits of living scott-free in your home, having fun living the single life , while playing head games with you all the while.

 

I'm not really sure what to advise you, hopefully others will have some advice. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope, also, that you during this trying and stressful time that you can remain sober (though I'm sure the temptation to drink is very high). You might want to find a local Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) group and start going to weekly meetings.....and get yourself a "sponsor" there....so that you have a real solid support available to you...because beating the bottle is next to impossible to kick by oneself........

 

Jag2