lossofwords Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Hi, I'm new here. Though I've been reading the forums for about a week now. I have never had problems like this before and feel embrassed asking for advice and help. I would just like to say thanks ahead of time for the help. Background: ------------ I am 22 years old, I know young but very wise. Or at least I would like to think so. My wife is 21. We dated for 5 years, and were engaged for the last year. Well a month ago December 1, 2007 we go married. Finished our finals in college and then went on our honeymoon. Came back for Christmas and did the Christmas "thing" with families. Well then problems began, nothing that anyone could have expected. Problem -------- Short version: Wife says that she is not happy, and hasn't been for a few months now ( but yet said nothing before marriage). Well she says that it is not me but her. And she doesn't want to come home, or sleep in the same bed. I really don't know that I have done anything wrong. She says that I am pestering her with questions. I am asking her why is she doing this, and does she want me. She answers most of the questions with "I dunno." I can't imagine life without her. I want to be with her more than anything. I really just want to know why she is acting like this, what I should do, and what I should expect. I'm very confused, I mean we just got married, we said "I DO" To me its permanent. I asked her if she wanted me, and she said that she didn't think so. Please help. Long version: We dated for five years, and the got married. The whole time I thought that she was happy as could be, and that she wanted to be married just as much as I. Now though after a month she is saying that she is not happy, and not happy in the direction that her life is going. This has been going on for a week. It started by her not coming home on New Years Eve, and now she is acting like she doesn't want to be around me. Never calls me, or lets me know what she is doing. I have asked her what was going on, and I never get an answer, just "I dunno." I asked her if it was someone else, drugs, or me. All she will say is that it is her and not me. Ever since this started she doesn't come home til 10 or 11, and smells like smoke. Says its from her friends house. I really don't know what to do, its been only a month. She has also said that she wants space to think about it, but yet says that I will find someone and make them very happy. This is just blowing my mind. I know that I have left out alot of small things too. So as help comes in I will let you know if I have tried any of it. Thanks, I really want her in my life. I Love Her with all my heart. Please help.
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 It sounds she is young and immature, maybe wasn't ready to get married but married you anyway because she didn't know how to tell you to she wasn't ready. I really hope it's just she is young and needs to grow as a person, maybe she is unhappy because SHE doesn't know who she is yet (personally and professionally as well). I dread to think that she is fooling around or met someone else......... I suggest you keep talking to her and go to marriage counselling. It isn't right for her to be out so much, let alone not going into detail about WHY or WHAT it is that is making her feel the way she is. If you could fill in the smaller details, that would be helpful so we can help you more.
StillSame Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 There is most definately someone else and it also seems that she has cheated on you already.
Author lossofwords Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 Well I don't believe it is someone else, but it could be I don't know. I don't know really what she is doing while not at home, tonight even she came home only to leave and didn't even acknowledge my presence. The small details are: she hangs out with this same friend too much, I think she may be the bad influence. She also has said that I am holding her back, from "seeing the world". If so then why did she marry me, why? If it is that she didn't know how to tell me, then why did she just ruin every happy ounce in my body. The comments hurt when your newllywed wife says that it was a mistake and that there is no spark. Also she said that marriage conselling would do no good, just a waste of money. The only support that I have gotten so far is from my mom and her dad. My mom just says that it is unfair to me, and I know that but I want to be with her. If she doesn't want me then why is she toying with me? Her dad is shocked as can be at her behavior and tries to talk with her, but she still even tells him that she just wants to be happy. Her parents are definatly pulling for this to work, and seem to be embarassed that she is acting in this weird demeaner. thanks for the help.
Author lossofwords Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 (edited) I pray that she hasn't cheated on me. But it is definatly a possibility. One that I don't want to accept. For heavens sake we just got married. Also I can tell there is something that she is not telling me, the WHY for all these actions. I want to know that more than anything. But if there was something else besides cheating, what could it be?, and how could I know for sure if she is? Edited January 10, 2008 by lossofwords
LakesideDream Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Look into having the marriage annuled, failing that file for divorce, move out and put this mess behind you. There is nothing you can do to make a teenage girl (or nearly so) act like a mature adult. Either she is or she isn't. This one isn't.
Author lossofwords Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 She is acting immature, but I still love her. It is easy to say that but hard to do. I know people have done it, but I would like for this to work out. So far though no effort or desire to work it out on her part.
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 I know you love her and you went into this marriage thinking forever...But, unfortunately she didn't have the same mindset, so if she wants out, there really isn't much you can do except let her go and hope that maybe a separation will wake her up, that she'll miss you, what you two share together. IF by chance she is or has cheated on you, I would walk away and not try to save the marriage.
Author lossofwords Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 If I knew for 100% sure that she has cheated on me then I would walk away. Because things would be so broken that I don't think they could be healed. I don't want to give up yet though. Does anyone have any advice to why she may be doing this? I don't want our 5 years to end. How long should I wait for her to come around? I almost feel like she is walking on me, but don't want to just demand something definative. I do love her very much, I mean I made a commitment for life. for life!
quankanne Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 she said that marriage conselling would do no good, just a waste of money. if she's telling you that your marriage is not worth saving, then there's something going on. Esp. if she's trying to live like a single gal, not a married woman, and I honestly don't think it's going to get any better. Why she went through the marriage is questionable, but from the sound of it, she might have done it thinking of it as some kind of security blanket and now is having second thoughts. frankly son, as much as it hurts, you're better off filing for an anullment based on fraud, because she intentionally went into the marriage knowing it was something YOU wanted but not her, and she lied about wanting to be married
LakesideDream Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Sir, In your own words you describe yourself as a "very wise" 22 year old. Assuming we accept your opinion, why aren't you displaying your wisdom? Let me put this in terms most 22 year olds, wise or not can understand. You buy a bright shiny new car. In just a few months you find that the computer is defective, the engine is flawed, and the transmission was designed improperly. Your new car has failed time and again leaving you stranded. In fact, the only thing your new car hasn't done (to your knowledge) is drive itself to somebody else's garage for a fill up. Yet by the grace of gawd, you get the chance to receive a 97% refund from the manufacturer, all you have to do is do the paperwork and drop the lemon off... yet you decide because the body is still bright and shiny, and you like the cars style, you are going to hope you can rebuild everything else so it's "good as new". How do you think that's gonna work for you?
Lee725 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 (edited) Also she said that marriage conselling would do no good, just a waste of money. It seems she has her mind made up. Sorry. Whatever it is that she is doing outside your marriage is much more attractive to her at this time than your new life together, that may not change. Some women (& men) experience SERIOUS "cold feet" before weddings but continue through with it, often because of the family/friend perception of backing out at such a late stage. The issues which she had before the wedding, which she failed to discuss with you can not/will not change now that you are married. Marriage does not provide the "magic wand". Her failure to communicate those issues to you has probably now resulted in her having the feeling of "entrapment", but again instead of communication she is "rebelling". Communication with her can not be forced, therefore you must no matter how great your love for her is, move into self preservation mode. You can wait for her to see if she "comes around" or you can have it annulled and start life again without her. If you wait for her you will be lining yourself up for a barrage of heartache because you will be the bystander in a single girls life (her perception). I apologize for sounding harsh, but please don't allow yourself to be the fall back in her life once she gets sick of partying. Please keep us informed of your journey and i hope it works out for you. Edited January 11, 2008 by Lee725
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 The more I think of it, the more I feel this is a case that she got married too young. She isn't mature enough to be a wife because she's just so willling to throw in the towel and not try to fix things WITH YOUR HELP, guidance and love, support. She wants to bail out without trying. Sadly, that says alot.
Gunny376 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Looking back over my life and all the women I've been with? I wouldn't even think of getting married past the age of 35! "Run Forrest! Run!"
lovelorcet Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 She wants out and she is not coming back. You need to get this into your head and as fast as possible. You need to get on damage control and take this bull by the horns. Kick her out or move out of your home and file for divorce right now.
Nomad1 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 You will feel resentful, you will feel angry. Hoping that she will come back will only prolong these horrible feelings. YOU MUST accept that it is over, for your own sake. This will help you move on sooner. A young man like you, go out and party. You might not have the heart for it at first, but once you meet a few friends and let your hair down, she will be a thing of the pats. Think yourself lucky that it has only been one month since you married. You can still annul the marriage so that you will not be considered as divorced. But you must act quickly as there is a deadline for annulment. Take care Nomad1
Author lossofwords Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 I appreciate all the help and I do understand the situation fully. And I want to move on and just start over. But besides the last 11 days my life was awesome, nothing to complain about at all. So that "car" has been there for five years, and now its just starting to mess up. I have only been going through this for about 10-12 days now. I want to be sure before I throw away my marriage that she has already thrown it away. I had been advised by family to just give her the "space" she wants. Giving that space is hard, very hard, and hurts alot. I too believe that she was/is too young now. However hindsight is 20/20. I went into this with full understanding of life, and how this commitment would change it forever. Does anyone know the time limit on an annulment? and is that better than a divorce? Thanks.
Nomad1 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 I think that you can annul if the marriage is less than 6 months here in the UK. Don't give her temporary space. Give her indefinite space. When you think that you are giving someone space you are actually hoping that she will come around. It is better to think that it is over for your own sake. Believe me I have been there and in my case I was married for 17 yrs and have 3 children and a house with her. She initially wanted space, then the divorce, then the house sold. I thought it was some kind of mid-life crisis and was hopeful for a while that she would come around, then I just went for the divorce and the house sale etc. There is no way that we will ever get back together and deep down I am relieved about that. You don't want women like that in your life. They will just mess you up. If she did this after one month! even if she were to come back, she will only do it again. When they ask for space, it literally means, make space for this other guy I am seeing or want to see. Cut your losses my friend. You are worth more than that. Take care Nomad1
Author lossofwords Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 I guess your right, I mean even if she did come back around would I ever feel the same as before? there would always be the fear and doubt, or does(could) that go away? But still just throwing this away doesn't seem like the "right" thing to do, at least not yet. I don't know how to take this, other than thinking its over, but I still have a couple ounces of hope left.
Author lossofwords Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 well she told me something last night that brought me to my knees. She said shes loves me and cares for me, but she doesn't love me like that anymore. I guess its over. 5 years, over, my heart is crushed.
quankanne Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I'm sure she does have certain feelings for you, but hon, her mind's already made up that she doesn't want to be married, and nothing you do – no matter how good or understanding or willing to give her that space – is going to change what she's already decided. Which is why we are advising you to just get out before this sham of a marriage is dragged out any longer. because for all intents and purposes, YOU are the only one interested in making your marriage work, she isn't ...
vivrantflo Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Sweet Jesus.. I really feel for you man.. my opinion?? She was way too young to get married.. you guys were together for 5 years? So she was 16 when you guys started dating. She's at the age where she has NO idea what she wants, and she's confused. Man, marriage is sacred to me, I honestly wouldnt know what to do. Just reading your story made my eyes start to water. The best thing to do, is to give her what she wants, and divorce her. And take LOTS of time away from her, and to yourself to heal. You guys are 22 and 21, young enough to have your paths cross again. I feel for you bro... you and your wife are in my prayers.
Author lossofwords Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Thank you so much, your words hit home the most. Please pray for my situation, everyone. I want this to turn around for the best, but I want it to be GOD's will not mine. I am not the one to determine what HE wants for me, HE is. I do believe this did not work for the best. It hurts me to talk about this but please just pray for me. Thank You all.
quankanne Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 we will, L, we surely will. as for which avenue to pursue, check with a lawyer or even legal aid to see if this marriage can be anulled (dissolved and recorded as never having existing because of it meets certain criteria) or if you need to file divorce paperwork (marriage dissolved, but recorded as existing legally). if you're Catholic, or if you plan to marry a Catholic, then there's the matter of sacramental anullment, meaning that the marriage may have been licit (legal in the civil sense) but not valid sacramentally (which, from what you've written, would be an easy thing to prove since she lacked maturity to make a valid decision to marry, based on her behavior so soon after you tied the knot). you'll need to check with the diocesan tribunal or the priest/deacon at the church to get th ball rolling on that.
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