cant forgive my parents

[chuchubabo]

I have been dealing with this issue with all my life and need somebody to tell me that I am not that pathetic like my parents led me to believe.

 

My parents still live in overseas ( which I am from ). Recently I applied for a government job and they want me to fill out this long form and submit some documents, too. Since I dont live in my original country anymore, some documents were very hard to obtain, and I found out that with some family registries record( if i translate, which is only in that contry ) I could get the documents that I need. So I asked my family back there to get one for me under my name. They plainly, in one word , refused it. I told them that I am the only one on my family registrar because I am married now and have my own family. and I am not in former family registrar which consisted of father, mother, sisters, etc. but they keep saying, they dont care. they will not just, simply, will not get it. because it has all the family information there.

that was just pure distrust in me. I partly understand why, but not whole.

 

Before I married my husband now, I had a real bloodsucker ex and abusive physically, emotionally at the same time. I got out of the horrible relationship after two years, with his stupid debt but luckily without no kids. Because of the debt me and my family had some trouble because of collection calls, but they are all gone now and now I am debt free. My family know exactly what I had to go through and what I had to do pay off all the debt even after I marry my now husband. But since my first marriage ended in divorce, i became more shameful daughter of theirs ( especially in the asian country against divorcees ) all the money problem surfaced ( which happened because of my evil ex ) everything just went directly to a ditch. anyway i managed to get out of that hell in some years later and i am now happily married with two kids.

 

In this country I am living a new life, without any emotional or physical abuse and beautiful two kids. I am happy now as it is.

 

The problem that I really wanna talk about is.. I always have had problem with my parents. They were a little bit abusive ( physically, verbally ) but I tried to understand it since they were living harsh life themselves, too. And maybe through my teenage days I might have been rebellious, since my mom always told me that she wished i had a kid just like me, and i would know how terrible I was. My father always distrusted me , for example, always making sure that i brought him receipts after book purchase, or some other purchase saying that he knew how to con parents exactly and by doing this I would have no room to pocket some money, which I had never intended to, or had done. and I could hear all the time my parents saying things like , they dont know what i would turn out to be since i was so terrible kid ( this started when i was just 5 or 6 ) . even after some years when I was all dreaming kid about my own future telling him that i wanna be a doctor, or writer or something like that, he would tell me that " oh, yeh? you are just big talker, just show me after you become one, " and once in a while beating and verbal abuse from both of them all the way to the end of high school.

 

Luckily i could leave home for college and since then i could manage to put all those bitter memories behind. and tried to understand my parents behavior, justifying them, blaming my own horrible personality.

 

Whenever my mom told me about some money problem, I always pitched in . and every mother's day, father's day, their own birthday, I visited their house with flower, cake and some cash, or other presents, bought them some big ticket items, etc.... . and when they visited U.S several times ,my husband and I did our best to show them all possible tourist attractions, fill the refrigerator full with their favorite food, some trips to gormet asian restaurants, without being heard any hint of appreciation. Even my mom told me that all these things that I and my husband were doing for them are any children's obligation for their parents, which stunned me and make me not to translate in english for my hubby. I really did my best as a dutiful daughter.

 

But recent event like this remind me all the pain and agonies that I had to go through all my life. and since my child's birth my scariest imagination is i turn out like my mom, who always yells, puts guilty traps, saying all kind f** word to her own daughter, cursing her own daughter's future, and beat with broomsticks, etc..

 

I really feel like i should cut any relationship with them.. but I dont want my daughters see their mom not having any realtionship with their grandparents, setting bad example...

 

I dont know . I really wish somebody tell me that I am not the only one who has such parent or it is not because of my intolerable , hopeless personnality. and I can cut this evil cycle to protect my daughters and ensure their best interst.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

since i didn't have this experience, i obviously can't tell you i know how you feel.

 

but i can tell you at least one reader was heartbroken by reading your story. this is awful, and i am so sorry you went through it.

 

it's good, though, that you realize that it isn't your fault, that your parents were wrong in how they treated/still treat you, and that you will do better with your own family.

 

i am so sorry that you had to deal with this. i cannot even begin to imagine how this affected your life, but you seem to have a good outlook regardless, and i hope there are ways to work out what you need without the need for your parents' involvement. people like that are best left in the past. you have your own family now, so only look forward only to a good, bright future.

 

hugs to you.

[SeraBella]

I do not know how many people have parents like this, but it's NOT your personality.

 

They've been like this since you were too young to even show how "horrible" a personality someone could have.

 

If your parents are still treating you like this, it may be worse to have people like that in their lives.

 

I know one person who has a mother like this, ironically, they are also are from overseas (china) but now they all live in the US. Her mother is always putting her down, but expects her to do EVERYTHING for her. Her brother, on the other hand, is not expected to do anything. She is so fed up with it that she wants to just leave it all and never talk to her again. I don't think she can fully disown her family, but I think it may be similar to you.

 

It's NOT you, though. It's not at all. It could even be jealousy, now.

[Melovator]

I cut contact with my mother in August, she had always been verbally abusive "you're fat, lazy, stupid etc etc." But at the same time I was expected to parent her, after I had my son I stopped doing this and was told by her "You're ungrateful, you don't love me, you're a bitch, etc. etc."

 

Due to various issues I decided I could no longer have such a toxic person in my life or my son's and cut all contact. I had the best Christmas (despite all the other crap that's happened in my life) because I did not have to deal with the emotional crap she always pulls out at Christmas time (going back to her divorce from my father 24 years ago!)

 

I can understand your concern over wanting to set a good example to your daughters, but for me it came down to setting an example for my son that just because you're related to people does not mean you are obligated to put up with their crap. That is not what a loving family relationship is about.

 

So no you are not a horrible person, you have f**ked up parents but really that's their problem, thay are adults and you're not responsible for their lives- they are. I undertsand my mother's many issues but they are her issues and her refusal to deal with them is why I cannot see her.

 

And to be honest if you're worried about being like your mother maybe cutting contact is a good thing- otherwise she;ll stress you out and wind you up and then you will be all shouty rude loud mummy. Taking care of your children's welfare also requires taking care of your own, you gave birth to your kids, you're responsible for their wellbeing- your parents can take care of themselves- they're big people now.

[j_hunt_12]

I never had to deal with anything like that, but am pretty sure I would forget my parents altogether if I did. If they really wanted to made an effort I might sent them a letter now and then. Your independent and in a different country you sound like you have a good life now. Them refusing to do something that simple is just wrong and immature. I wouldn't feel bad about anything you do. But they may be lazy or not know how to do what you asked them... probably not, but it is a suggestion

 

Government job? In U.S.? I would work closely with your potential employer and tell them your situation. I don't know what your getting: security clearance, proof of citizenship, work visa, some other stupid thing the Gov requires. Just make sure you check over everything before you cut all ties with them. I'm sure they're not your only chance but I would check through first. The government in the U.S. can be pretty stiff and EXTREMELY annoying about documents, clearances, green cards, etc and usually dosn't care that much about your problems. But it depends. Great thing about U.S. is that things eventually happen... with time. I don't have knowledge about this cause I work with them now/yet but anyways...... peace

Edited January 11, 2008 by j_hunt_12

[Mz. Pixie]

My mother suffered from a borderline personality disorder and was a narcassist. I suffered every kind of abuse you can think of from her and my stepcreep. Emotional, physical, verbal and sexual. So I can kind of speak from experience on this one.

 

I did cut my mother out of my life for a period of time until she got sick and I had to help take care of her. Well I didn't have to- but I felt as a Christian I should. So I helped as much as I could.

 

She's gone now and I can tell you that there has never been one day that I have missed her. The drama in my life ended the day she died, really. I know that sounds horrible but it's the truth. People who have never had abusive parents just do not understand it.

 

I am extremely sorry you've suffered like this.

 

Forgiveness is for yourself sweetie. My therapist asked me what it would take for me to be able to move on and I said for my mom to ask for my forgiveness. She told me that that would probably never happen and I needed to prepare myself for that. So I really thought about it.

 

In a perfect world your parents would ask for forgiveness and everything would be hunky. Except that's probably never going to happen.

 

Although it's painful and it may always hurt it would free you if you forgave them. I can't tell you how I did it. It was the love of my higher power and alot of time and prayer but in baby steps the forgiveness did come.

 

See, if you don't forgive them then they are still having power over you. Truth be told they probably don't waste five minutes thinking of what they've done to you- when it's all you can think about. So why let them have that power over you??

 

Do I think about the things they did to me? Of course and it's still painful. Not like it was but it still smarts sometimes. But the forgiveness made me feel lighter, and more free- and I'm so glad I was eventually able to do it.

 

You will be too. Think about it.

[rajeev.nair]

I can also relate to you so well. My mother was normal to me until I got married. After marriage, she had made my life miserable. I and my wife are settled in US and my parents are from India. My parents are big time misers and so I thought it would be good experience to get them (my father and my mother) here to US and provide them some enjoyment.

 

After she came to US, she started fights with my wife, even a silly thing, if my wife look at my mother's face my mom complained to me that my wife looked her this way or that way, showing disrespect, etc. When I ignored her, she started more vigorous dramas. My father dances to my mother's tunes and tried to hit my wife. Thankfully, I was present at that time and so I stopped it. I and my wife never ever said a bad word to them, even when they were physically and extremely verbally abusive. So I decided it is time for them to go back to India and cut the trip short.

 

My wife got sick of series of incidents that my wife stopped talking to my parents (who can blame her for that?). I kept relationship with my parents not because I liked them just because I felt obligated and being eldest son, I am supposed to take care for them. For 2 years, every week when I call her, I get some drama or some verbally abusive comments. I had explained several times that I am unable to handle her emotions. Because my wife wont talk to her, she started playing with me against my wife. When I ignore her, she would talk to me and tell me things like I am my wife's puppet. I felt like laughing though I also got angry at the same time.

 

Before the above series of incidents, I always believed only bad kids left their parents and that parents are right no matter what! Was that not a bummer! How stupid was I?

 

I had cut off all relations with my parents. Every week, I feel sad that my parents have played me so badly with me, but never understand the things they have done to me. I think I still love them no matter how bad they are.

 

Thanks to this website, I have forum where I can dispense my frustration.