saddad Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 ok, here goes, married 24 years to the woman that I thought was my best friend and who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We haven't had sex in 2 years, we appear loving and friendly to our 2 college and middle school kids...but I am so lonley. We have no intimacy at all. My wife has no interest in sex. This wasn't the plan. I am only in my mid 40's and I planned on having a rich and loving life. My kids are great loving people, we look like the model loving family on the outside. I feel cold and lonely inside and am wondering if I should just throw in the towel and look for another mate for the rest of my life..this isn't life. I can still enjoy my kids with someone else...but I don't believe that I should stay in this SAD lonely situation only to become more and more miserable. In case anyone is wondering I love my wife, there is no abuse, we are all very close, no infidelity and I come from a family of VERY long happy marriages. Any ideas folks.... I am desperate and yes I am a Sad Dad... Link to post Share on other sites
HisLove Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Hi saddad. You are TOO young to be having to put up with this. Have you talked to your wife about it, and what does she say? Is the going through menopause? Prior to the last 2 years, were you happy with your sex life together? Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author saddad Posted January 11, 2008 Author Share Posted January 11, 2008 It was great. I have tried to talk to her but it isn't a priority. She comes home each night, we eat dinner as a family, cleanup, she watches TV in a chair and falls asleep. I go to the gym and work out. It's the only way I can deal with the tension and anger that I am feeling. It's kind of weird...she brushes up against me, smacks my butt, wants to hug and stuff but that's it. The tension with the kids is getting up there too. I have tried to talk to her about some issues with our daughter and how I think we need to tighten things up with her a little with her boyfriend and she tells me to leave her alone. Last I checked, @ 19, I should be watching my daugher pretty close with her boyfriend. Anyway I just don't get it.... I can't be the only disciplinarian with the kids either. She doesn't back me with that at all. It's all on me. It's so lonely that I think I would have the same life with or without her..I would take care of my family because that is the highest priorty to me. In fact I would take any of the kids that wanted to come live with me. This isn't a mid life crisis thing this is something that is just killing me. Link to post Share on other sites
StillSame Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 saddad, be honest with your wife. Tell her what the problems are and that you're actually thinking about leaving and divorce. She's not doing anything about it because she doesn't know the severity of the situation. Tell her you're thinking about throwing the towel, that will wake her up. Link to post Share on other sites
MysticStar Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Saddad, I feel your pain brother. One of the ongoing issues in my marriage has been sex. We had a great sex life until about 4 years ago. Now once a month is a lot for us, and it's not unusual to go two or three months without sex. I too felt like throwing in the towel, but what I found out that first of all my wife is going through Menopuase, second when our oldest got to be about 14 she suddenly became very nervous about us having sex thinking he will know what we're doing. When the two of us go away for a weekend alone together, it's like it was when we were first married. I don't like things the way they are now, but I'm not going to destroy my family over it. Hang in there, talk to her. Maybe take a good hard look at the relationship the two of you have. Are there changes you can make to help rekindle her interests? Is she self-concious because the kids are older? Two years is a long time. You two need to sit down and have a long talk and possible some marriage counseling. Good luck, Mystic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author saddad Posted January 11, 2008 Author Share Posted January 11, 2008 You know...I have told her how I feel and that I am lonely and she knows that this is seriuos. It's like she just doesn't care. I am a very straight on guy who deals with things when they come up...she on the other hand uses avoidance to deal situations. So pretty much if we don't talk about it it isn't a problem. See what I mean. I think the part that bothers me the most is that she knows how I feel and just doesn't care. You have to understand that this is one of the most caring and sympathetic person that I have ever met...just not to me or our marriage. You know that magic that makes a marriage....that thing that makes you and your partners connected...the thing that makes you more than just really good friends living in the house raising kids. I am talking about that intimate spark that IMO you should only have with the person that you made this committment to.... Well it's gone. I feel like I am living with my best friend...the person that you would do anything for, support through anything, pretty much lay down your life for. Well I don't want another best friend...I want my life back. I think I could have the same life I have now with my family whether we lived in the same house or not. The magical question is do I end my relationship now with my wife and try to find another life partner who still wants me the way I think most loving spouses do. I even think we would still be friendly after a split. I keep asking myself..why am I staying. It really is a sad existence. Link to post Share on other sites
Tripper Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 The magical question is do I end my relationship now with my wife and try to find another life partner who still wants me the way I think most loving spouses do. I even think we would still be friendly after a split. SD, I'm sorry that you are in this situation. You are truly between the proverbial rock and the hard place and that, indeed, is the question. Only you can answer it for yourself. I had a long term marriage that ended in divorce for very similar reasons and I can tell you no matter which decision you make it will be difficult and painful. Divorce brings "financial downsizing" which is also a factor. The real toll is take emotionally, but then you are suffering emotionally now in your current situation. Dismantling a long term marriage with whom you've shared half your life is incredibly painful. I felt every negative emotion possible from despair to anger to rage. Ten years later, having been in several LTRs I must admit I've never found the closeness I had with my wife. I found trust, passion, excitement, a connection and intimacy but it never matched that closeness that my exW and I had after 23 years of building a life together. The real question is not "do I end my relationship now with my wife and try to find another life partner who still wants me the way I think most loving spouses do." but rather "do I end my relationship now with my wife". In long term marriages both spouses tend to become "blended" and after parting it takes time to sort oneself out. If you do leave, jumping into a new relationship immediately gives you no time to sort yourself out and regain your individuality. Also you need time to let the damage heal before you enter a new relationship. If you really feel that your marriage is doomed to stay in this state and that you will not be able to address these issues with your wife, perhaps through MC, then keep in mind that life is not a dress rehearsal. You owe it to yourself to move forward. I hope this helps.... Link to post Share on other sites
malaclypse Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 You said no infidelity... how can you be sure? I don't want to make you paranoid, but no-sex ?? Hmmmm... Link to post Share on other sites
MysticStar Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 "I think the part that bothers me the most is that she knows how I feel and just doesn't care. You have to understand that this is one of the most caring and sympathetic person that I have ever met...just not to me or our marriage." Saddad, are you married to my wife???? That line sounds exactly like my wife. She will do anything for anyone except for me, and everyone things she is the most wonderful person in the world. And she is wonderful, but her care and concern seems to stop short of me. Like you we have a good relationship, like living with your best friend. I have tried different things that seemed to help, at least in the short term. Have you tried to re-ignite that romantic spark? Like hiding little love notes for her to find maybe in the bed or in her car? Do you tell her she's hot, she beautiful and that you want her? Are you affectionate? Do you buy her sexy things for the bedroom? I think telling her that your hurt and lonely only makes it worse. I think it only makes her feel defensive and like another demand is being put on her. She may have issues going on that you're not aware of and she doesn't feel very comfortable talking about. Is she going through menopause? Maybe she's put on weight and feels that she's fat and is embarrased for you to see her in the nude. Is she taking the pill? or has she started taking the pill? That can kill a woman's sex drive, it did my wife's. Also I think I mentioned it before, but if you have older children in the house that might make her not want to have sex. There could be a medical reason for her loss of desire too. I guess what I'm saying is have you explored all the possible issues that could result in the loss of her desire for sex? I know this can be a senstive topic even between husbands and wives. Just don't throw in the towel until you've explored all the possible reasons Link to post Share on other sites
Author saddad Posted January 12, 2008 Author Share Posted January 12, 2008 I think the issue is that I am tired of trying and I really don't have anything left to give. I really feel pushed away. I used to look at her as this awsome light...this thing that I always wanted to be around. We used to have those looks...you know the ones...the ones that only we would know meant and that magic. Now I see this awesome person, a person who is a fantastic mother to my three kids, a person, like stated earlier..would do anything for anybody but me. As I read this I sound like a pathetic loser...that is whining and that isn't my message at all. I asked her about going to MC with me and she says ok. Kind of like, "ok, it might rain tomorrow". She didn't even want to talk about it. That's that part that bothers me the most. I don't think she wants to change anything. If my wife opened up to me with all this I would listen and try to help get through it. She is not doing that for me. We don't even fight. We just talk about work and the kids. She is premenopausal, she goes to a DR regularly and I am positive that she is not cheating. Her father cheated on her mother and she despises him to this day for it. I don't think I can do anything to re-ignite anything. We are just like good friend. The only thing we speak about is our finances..which aren't the problem and the latest issues with our aging parents that we need to deal with. There is nothing else. Frankly I think that if I've opened up like I have and told her how I feel, her lack of response is a response in itself. Does anyone else see this? I mean if she is content with how it is and I am not...I must be the problem...right? This really sucks and as each day goes on it gets worse. I DREAD the day the last one of our kids move out and I am alone with her for the rest of my life. At least we have the kids and their lives as a diversion. This isn't the plan I signed up for, we had our kids early in our lives so we could travel and enjoy future grandkids. The way things are going I think it will be unbearable. To the earlier responder about me rushing out and finding someone new....my plan would be to take time to chill and help my kids to adjust to the new life if I decide to end it. I really wish there was something I could do. To all of you...thanks for your thoughts and well wishes. There really isn't anyone I can talk to about this and it makes me feel better that other guys out there are going through the same thing. I was starting to worry that this is what marriage is at almost 25 years and frankly, I hope it's not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author saddad Posted January 12, 2008 Author Share Posted January 12, 2008 Thanks NL, this is what my thoughts are heading toward also. I really take my vows seriuosly but I also know when I've lost. I think I've lost. Link to post Share on other sites
MysticStar Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 Saddad, You said you asked her if she would go to MC and she said OK. Did you go for it? What difference does it make how she answered, she's willing to go, isn't she? Three kids and 25 years, I think you've got more to lose by not at least trying MC. Link to post Share on other sites
hidee79 Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 SD, Perhaps there is another option: trial separation. Go to a lawyer, figure it out, draw up papers. Try it for at least 6 months. This will give you a taste of what divorce will feel like. A woman I know has been married for almost 40 years - and she said that she and her husband were separated for 10 months in year 13. Link to post Share on other sites
HisLove Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 saddad, have you had a chance to sit down and talk to your wife earnestly to tell how serious this is? Just wondering how it's all going for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 I I asked her about going to MC with me and she says ok. Kind of like, "ok, it might rain tomorrow". She didn't even want to talk about it. That's that part that bothers me the most. I don't think she wants to change anything. Saddad, if your wife had a physical problem, say a tumor, would you expect that she would heal it on her own? And would you wait around passively for that to happen? Of course not, you'd get medical help. I can't stress how strongly I feel that you guys need help for your emotional disconnect. And you need to force the issue since you already have tacit approval from her. Find a MC, make an appointment, get a sitter and take her there. Even if this issue lies solely with her (and I should warn you in advance, it probably doesn't ), people can reach a place where, without help, they can't face the real problem. Your marriage is at that point now so the next step is up to you. I hope you take it... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 Has she explained to you why she isn't interested in physical intimacy any more? I can't imagine being in a situation like that and not demanding an explanation, at least. Link to post Share on other sites
Author saddad Posted January 12, 2008 Author Share Posted January 12, 2008 I don't think I've made myself clear her. I have talked to her...on numerous times and she KNOWS its an issue and she doesn't care. That's why she is so complacent with her response to go to mc. The issue is that I am TIRED of trying, I ALWAYS had to initiate sex during our whole marriage...UNLESS she was trying to get pregnant. Then I couldn't get her off me. I have my theory.....Everything changed when our first child was born. He came first and I stepped to the back of the line and I could accept that. Then the second child and life was crazy like it always is and I loved it, then the third and life was and still is frenetic. Our life changes daily and we love that too. I don't think I have to be the one to make the change. I am a direct person and if she really feels this way about me then I don't need to be in the same house with her...just stay connected. I would take all 3 kids with me if they wanted and leave her to her lonely existence. I am an outgoing social person and because she isn't we have no real frieds other than work people. I have always put my needs second and my family first. Well that's going to change. I need to start taking care of me too. If it means starting a new life than it has to be better than the one I have now. I REALLY feel that her acceptance of the MC was just to shut me up. If she really saw merit in it or thought that we we on a bad track like I do wouldn't she have wanted to talk to me about it? Point is she didn't take me seriously and it makes me sick. Let me tell you that if my wife mentioned MC, I would sit up and take notice. I am feeling so many emotions now.. I can't believe it....betrayal, disappointment, anger and now helplessness. I don't think the MC would help at all and frankly I won't bring it up again. It just depends on how much longer I can take it before I hit a breaking point. The irony in this is all the people that I know say that I am a happy go lucky guy that loves his family loves life and people enjoy my company. Too bad my wife, the love of my life, could care less about me. I think I know what I'm going to do already. Thanks again for listening It feels good just to let it out and to know that all marriages aren't like this. I now understand why divorce rates are so high. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 She is exactly how I was with my first ex, after 18 years of common-law... (29 years total) ... I just loved him like a brother.. nothing more. I bet you anything that she doesn't feel any 'love' (sensual) for you anymore... she loves you like a brother, a best 'platonic' friend... but not as a husband. I'm sure she's happy in your marriage... but you're not... she doesn't want anything to change.. it's comfortable for her.. M is like an old slipper. It's just like that. it happens... people fall out of love all the time, and each have a different way to deal with it... She just want to remain in a loveless/sexless marriage for the sake of the kids, her comfortable life... etc... but she will not give any efforts to make it like a 'normal' marriage... I don't think, as a matter of fact, I'm sure, that MC won't do anything... love cannot be 'relived' it's gone... no more sparks.. nothing you do will bring the life you had before... Sorry but that's how it is.. if you can't deal with it.. then get a mistress... or leave.. whatever you feel comfortable with. Your story is like million of stories out there (been there).. and I know some friends of mine who are just like your wife.. are still married because I think their H just chose to either deal with it.. or get someone of the side. Whatever it is.. don't feel bad.. she doesn't... she broke her vows.. why can't you? Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 I don't think the MC would help at all and frankly I won't bring it up again. Why not? Not going to hurt. I thought you wanted things to change? Maybe that was another thread I read. Let the counselor have a wack at her. See what surfaces. Link to post Share on other sites
blade123 Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 How old is your wife? It is quite possible that she is experiencing peri-menopause. I suggest that you check out the men's forum on Power Surge. There is a wealth of information and helpful advice there, plus there are many posts from husbands going through the very same problem. Hope this helps. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 Why not? Not going to hurt. I thought you wanted things to change? Maybe that was another thread I read. Let the counselor have a wack at her. See what surfaces. I agree. What do you have to lose ? Only two possible outcomes - - Counseling helps and things are better for you than they are now - Counseling doesn't help and things are the same for you as they are now What's the downside? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BentSpine Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 , I ALWAYS had to initiate sex during our whole marriage...UNLESS she was trying to get pregnant. Then I couldn't get her off me. Looks like she never got any payoff from sex, except when she knew it could result in a child. Apparently you being loving enough was not an issue during these child making periods. She has gone two years without feeling the need for sex. And more importantly; she has never inititated. I seriously doubt that any counselling will magically create a libido when there never was a libido to begin with. I think you are about the turn a chapter in the book of life. But at least as a single guy your dream of romantic relationship can come true. Link to post Share on other sites
ritamae Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Lizzie is wrong. Love can be rekindled. I am sorry it was not for her. This is part of marriage. The love ebbs and flows - up and down like a roller coaster. I am sure there have been many ups and downs through the years. This one might be the hardest one so far, at least for you. The fact is, you have no idea what is going through her mind. For all you know when you mentioned MC she said OK and is waiting for you to show her you are serious about it by making an appt. She may be tired of always being the one to make appointments. For real, you just do not know what she is thinking. The fact that she touches you still is encouraging. She is not sickened by the sight of you - I have actually heard that from my sister (during a downward spiral that her and bil managed to come back from). So, make the MC call. Make an appointment. Communication is off and the MC can help you both get back to a place where you can understand each other again. Do NOT give up on this precious relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author saddad Posted January 13, 2008 Author Share Posted January 13, 2008 Hate to tell you RitaMae....I'm not whining....She is lazy, unmotivated and if we were to go to MC I would have to make the arrangements and drag her there. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 Hate to tell you RitaMae....I'm not whining....She is lazy, unmotivated and if we were to go to MC I would have to make the arrangements and drag her there. You know Saddad, there is a saying that applies to these situations: You can be right OR you can be happy. You seem stuck on being right. Yes, you're right, everything your wife is doing is wrong. It is hurtful to ignore or reject the need one's spouse has for physical love, intimacy and sex. If this was a NFL game, we'd throw the flag, she's get a penalty, personal foul, unnecessary sexual laziness and lack of motivation (two penalties on the same play!). Now don't you want a chance at being happy? MC could find out the "why" behind the "what" she's doing. Don't you want to know? Don't you have the curiousity or courage to find out ? I'm not you. But if it was me, after 23 years invested, I'd want to know... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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