sexless marriage after 23 years

[Storyrider]

I understand what Sally is getting at. I don't think she is trying to blame anyone. I think she's saying that to label his wife as frigid doesn't get at the root of the problem; it is just a label.

 

I can see what BI is saying too, that you can over-analyze a situation and it doesn't change the behavior.

 

Your wife is not hungry for you sexually. What is it that she needs in a sexual relationship that she can't find in you? Is she not at all hungry for sex, ever? Or would she rather settle for masturbation than deal with whatever makes sex with you unpalatable?

 

It doesn't matter whose fault it is. That is a red herring. The way you two go about sex does not feed her. Is there a way to change that, or is there something fundamental about each of you that makes it not work?

[saddad]

My wife and I sat and talked for a few hours last weekend and we decided to stick it out and work through things. In fact...we had sex several times over the last three days and it wasn't just make up sex, it was love making.

 

I have been following alot of your comments and I am disheartned by some points of view. But it is America and and you are all entitled to them.

 

Let me tell you why I am the luckiest man in the world....

 

I found the love of my life and have been faithful to her for the last 25 years. She is my life, my love and one of the anchors in my life. She is a fantastic mother to our three children and a great person.

 

I know that this turnaround can be temporary, but WE both agreed to work through our differences and live a happy life. This is the only way it will work.

 

Many of the factors that led to our demise were misinterpreted statements, sad feelings , misunderstandings and the fact that as time went on we stopped communicating and only spoke. There is a difference. Since we were both hurting we spoke in 1 word answers and we withdrew.

 

We have had several open conversations since our talk and we feel "connected" again. Come on I know you are saying that we recovered so fast.....we are not fully recovered...but have committed to work through it and openly communicate. This open communication will nurture trust, honesty and respect. The three things that I feel our marriage has always had and is the core of our "magic" that I wrote about in an earlier post.

 

I know that this won't be easy, but as I said, We are committed to work on our relationship and move forward. You have to work at relationships....think about it...if a good relationship was easy, why would we want one so bad...right?

 

To those of you out there that think I'm a sap for staying...that's your call. I love my wife and my kids too much to hurt them and as I write this I feel I should change my account to LuckyDad.

 

My best to all of you and THANK You for all of your support through this tough time.

[Kasan]

Many of the factors that led to our demise were misinterpreted statements, sad feelings , misunderstandings and the fact that as time went on we stopped communicating and only spoke. There is a difference. Since we were both hurting we spoke in 1 word answers and we withdrew.

 

We have had several open conversations since our talk and we feel "connected" again. Come on I know you are saying that we recovered so fast.....we are not fully recovered...but have committed to work through it and openly communicate. This open communication will nurture trust, honesty and respect. The three things that I feel our marriage has always had and is the core of our "magic" that I wrote about in an earlier post.

 

Wonderful news! I have always wondered how many marriages could be saved if both parties actually sat down and talked to each other, instead of looking for that magic outside the marriage. If we take the time to talk with each other we sometimes find out just how wrong we were in our understanding of a conversation or situation.

 

You are so right--marriage is hard, and it never gets easy, but then the good things in life never come easy.

 

Here's to another 25 years!

[Brendan Ireland]

But it is America and and you are all entitled to them.

 

.

 

SD your post was very positive - and I hope it all goes well for you and your W, and despite my (at times) ranting on about my lovely W, I do still love her, just as you clearly still love your W, and also despite my quips at others on this thread, it is actually very useful to get the views of "strangers on the train", in fact I often equate chats on message boards to the equivalent to discussions with fellow travellors on an airplane, you have the conversation, tell your life history, get off the plane and know (in every liklihood) you will never see each other again, it is the same kind of anonymity, which I guess we all benefit from on discussion boards. I really don't know what will happen with my W. We sat and had a beer in the kitchen tonight, she had come in from a meeting at her workplace late, the kids were in bed asleep, we chatted watched a bit of news on the TV, talked about how the kids had gone to bed (my duty tonight) listened to some late night jazz fm type music and watched the embers of the fire go out. Then she went off to bed, now I am writing this late night log. My key thing with her now is not to show any disapointment or anger at the way she is with me, just leave the anger out, bite my tongue and see how it goes. Life goes on. The kids lunches need to be made, the porridge (oatmeal to some of you) needs to be put on in the morning, kids dressed and everyone off to work in about 8 hours time. The clock ticks, normality continues, and as the great man voltaire said in the final lines of Candide. Tomorrow is another day.

 

BTW SD I quoted you above just to highlight, the internet is now being used outside America! But we have the same problems as you.

 

Adios Amigos. Slan.

[Mustang Sally]

and as the great man voltaire said in the final lines of Candide. Tomorrow is another day.

Wow.

I thought that was Scarlett O'Hara?

 

 

Anyhoo, Glad to hear the positive report, Saddad. You too, Brendan.

Sounds like things might be looking up for those that are willing to make the effort...

 

Strong work.

[OpenBook]

My wife and I sat and talked for a few hours last weekend and we decided to stick it out and work through things. In fact...we had sex several times over the last three days and it wasn't just make up sex, it was love making.

 

Well LuckyDad, I think your W is one smart cookie! Congratulations. You sound like a decent sort, right from your first post on. I hope you guys keep talking & listening to each other. The love is definitely there... just needs a little fine-tuning here and there, n'est-ce pas?

[Surfer Girl]

Seems you are both in a routine... That does not include sex... Personally sex in a marriage is vital... Make it different... Listen to some sexy song... and dance together... kiss each other... make it different...

[Brendan Ireland]

Wow.

I thought that was Scarlett O'Hara?

 

 

Anyhoo, Glad to hear the positive report, Saddad. You too, Brendan.

Sounds like things might be looking up for those that are willing to make the effort...

 

Strong work.

 

Actually sally you are dead right, mixed quotations there - the one I was thinking of was "Let's go dig the garden" - which if my memory serves me right (which it infrequently doesn't these days) is said by pangloss at the end of Candide, but don't shoot me down in flames if I am incorrect, it is a long time since i read the book, but I take this quote and indeed the Scarlett O'Hara quote to mean in (in the context of discussions above) as Lets get on with life and maybe the orginary every day stuff and the days ticking by will resolve it....

[Frances]

Hi Saddad or happy dad now,

 

I am glad you are working on things, talking things out can really be worthwhile. I wish you well and keep working on it. Sometimes women do not realize a man is unhappy as a lot of men do not talk about how they feel. We women are not mind readers no more than men are.

 

Brendan get help if you want any chance that your wife will be your lover again. Your children are still young, 2.5 the youngest, what has happened since then, THINK MAN did she have a rough birth(post natal depression), birth control a problem? any gyny problems. I gather you are middle to late 30s, a woman is usually at her sexual peak at that time, so something has turned her off. If she finds out you have a fbuddy all hell will break out and there will be little or no chance of fixing things up.

 

You have 3 kids you are both holding down full time jobs, for heavens sake your wife is most likely too tired for sex.

 

Talk to each other, and most of all LISTEN to each other.

[billgreene]

I've never posted on these things, but I found this thread today and I'm in a similar situation, but I'm not so sure I love my wife anymore. I think I got married to her too fast. She goes for the token BJ or HJ once a week or so, but doesnt go for intercourse maybe once a month. The sex starvation is almost as bad as the emotional starvation. She's just a bitch. We've been to MC, didnt help much, obviously. Best time we had was on a cruise when the couple next door got it on really loud and we got to compete. My w is such a prude though she won't even consider looking at porn with me, let alone considering situations like same room with other couples. (Not swapping, just watching and doing at the same time.) Thats what I had in mind but she won't even look at porn. It took me 5 years of marriage to get her to try anal, after her vag was torn in childbirth. Listen I know its not fair of me to complain about that, but seriously I can't live without good sex for the rest of my life. I gotta have it good at least once a year, and when we do have it once a month maybe its like it was just an ok thing, not something she wanted. We hardly get along well enough to decide what to eat for dinner each night without a fight. You know that magic you all talk about? That best friend you live with? I don't know anyone like that. I think I was just a horny virgin when I got married, and all that waiting brainwashed me into marrying her after only knowing her for 6 months.

 

Problem is.. we have a 3 year old that I dont know if i can live without. When I come home that's the only love I feel in the house.

 

What do I do? I don't want to loose my daughter, but I'm sure not satisfied sexually.... I'm willing to put up with the bitching to be around my daughter, but not the bitching and the lack of sex.

 

Right now I'm considering having some NSA affairs on the side. If one of those turns long term and the woman is good in other ways too, maybe that will be the tiebreaker and I'll get a divorce.

 

My biggest thinking is... why divorce if I don't have another woman to go to anyway? Loose my daughter all for.... some peace and quiet, really thats the only diff since I can do my own HJ and her bj's are pretty crappy anyway I get off better with porn, which she tries to deny me.

 

Am I thinking straight on this? Get NSA until I find something to break the tie and leave her for?

 

If not what else? Hard to reconcile with her since MC didn't work???? any help out there?

[Kasan]

If not what else? Hard to reconcile with her since MC didn't work???? any help out there?

 

Why don't you start your own thread? Your problem is not as unique as you think....it's all too common here.

[Eyerish]

That is really great news and I am very happy for you and your wife that you were able to start down the road to working out your feelings for one another. Just fantastic, as no one wants to see anyone in emotional pain and to stay together is a great achievement in this day and age. I just hope the momentum that has started can me maintained as there is a long road ahead.

 

Take care and good luck.

[saddad]

Take some time and talk to her. There is something going on. Once you break through that you will see that the respect is there...or can be rebuilt. Getting something on the side in my opinion is the lamest way to fix the situation. It disrespects your wife and family in so many ways... Make a clean break if you have to. Remember...you have to look at yourself in the mirror every morning.

 

Since you tried to repair things with MC and it failed....Give it one more shot and tell her how you feel. BTW, are you looking for sex or love making. The two acts are totally different. Love making is what you get and have when that spark is there and you are indeed close friends. Sex is something that happens between F***Buddies and strangers at a bar.

 

Your daughter sounds like the light of life...just as my w kids are and I am happy to say...my wife too.

 

Take some time and think about your life now and how you want it to be in the future. This will help you make the decision. Your kids are your kids no matter what. You will never lose them, you will always love them, you may not always like them, but they will be in your life as long as you welcome them in. If leaving is the best solution then its the best solution. Only you can decide about that. Just read my LONG posts here. I was where you are man and we turned it around...you can too, if thats what you BOTH want.

 

Good luck to you...

[billgreene]

thanks for the advice... I started my own thread... no haters pls.. I just need advice, not another bitchin out from someone on the internet who can't relate. Saddad.... yeah, we've been in MC... and you solved your entire problem with a 3 hour discussion? heh.... we've had hours on end of talking about this stuff... its not the sex dude, it's the relationship... maybe it was opposite for you... see my thread for more.

 

its called "5 yr itch or did I marry a stranger?" - same section

[billgreene]

BTW, are you looking for sex or love making. The two acts are totally different. Love making is what you get and have when that spark is there and you are indeed close friends. Sex is something that happens between F***Buddies and strangers at a bar.

...

 

 

Not sure, either one would be good... sex would be fun and exciting... love making... if I were that into someone emotionally that would be nice too... really.... as i said in first post... if i were LOOKING for something, it'd be sex "NSA" as i put it.... with the intention of staying in my fam and not disclosing... but I'm starting to wonder if I should look for a relationship instead.

 

BTW - this gorgeous girl from work started flirting with me (I think) - stops what she's doing and smiles and waves every time I walk by. She knows I'm married... and yesterday during our conversation we talked about drinking and she said that although she has quit drinking "I still like to go out for drinks once in a while" ----- think that was a hint? - havent acted on anything yet... but playing along with the flirting.... havent posted any of this on my other post yet.

[saddad]

I would definetly say that she's sending you signals. I hope it works out for you.

[Brendan Ireland]

Hi Saddad or happy dad now,

 

I am glad you are working on things, talking things out can really be worthwhile. I wish you well and keep working on it. Sometimes women do not realize a man is unhappy as a lot of men do not talk about how they feel. We women are not mind readers no more than men are.

 

Brendan get help if you want any chance that your wife will be your lover again. Your children are still young, 2.5 the youngest, what has happened since then, THINK MAN did she have a rough birth(post natal depression), birth control a problem? any gyny problems. I gather you are middle to late 30s, a woman is usually at her sexual peak at that time, so something has turned her off. If she finds out you have a fbuddy all hell will break out and there will be little or no chance of fixing things up.

 

You have 3 kids you are both holding down full time jobs, for heavens sake your wife is most likely too tired for sex.

 

Talk to each other, and most of all LISTEN to each other.

 

Frances lots of these things - BTW I am mid late 40s but my W is ten years younger. She has (IMO) been depressed since the second baby, I say we have 3 - one is 18 and going off to college (My W had one young - and stayed single). Agree bout women in their mid to late 30s - this shoudl be a fun time for both of us, two lovely small ones and a young adult ready to fly the nest, good home, good joint income etc, there is everything to live for, but she flatly refuses to work at the marriage - she knows I am unhappy, but I am not going to just leave to accomodate her need to separate. she won't go to councelling, she won't go to the Dr. about what myself and others who know her think is depression. Re sex well it is becoming less of an issue - me and the FB don't see each other that much these days....I have just decided to weather the storm and see how we come out of it... it could take years, by which time - it may be me who just walks out on her.....and says go and wallow in your own misery I have had enough of it.

[Frances]

Frances lots of these things - BTW I am mid late 40s but my W is ten years younger. She has (IMO) been depressed since the second baby, I say we have 3 - one is 18 and going off to college (My W had one young - and stayed single). Agree bout women in their mid to late 30s - this shoudl be a fun time for both of us, two lovely small ones and a young adult ready to fly the nest, good home, good joint income etc, there is everything to live for, but she flatly refuses to work at the marriage - she knows I am unhappy, but I am not going to just leave to accomodate her need to separate. she won't go to councelling, she won't go to the Dr. about what myself and others who know her think is depression. Re sex well it is becoming less of an issue - me and the FB don't see each other that much these days....I have just decided to weather the storm and see how we come out of it... it could take years, by which time - it may be me who just walks out on her.....and says go and wallow in your own misery I have had enough of it.

 

Do you both have the same GP? If so can you talk to him about the fact that you are worried about your wife? How do get on with your MIL can you talk to her not about the sex (unless you have a very good relationship) but about how you are worried. A depressed person most times will not even admit or even realize that they are depressed. Has she said she wants you to leave?

 

How about you put it to her that you think all the work and effort to keep two full time jobs going with the children so young is too much. Say you will take a career break (note I say you) or you will go part time if it will help for the next few years until the youngest is in school for a full day. I do not know if this is possible for you but life is too short for to live lives of sheer desperation when there is any chance of fixing it. The kids will sense things are not right before long and it's not fair on them or yourselves.

 

IMO couples should not stay together for the kids sake but I think they owe it to the kids to work on the marriage for their sake and their own sake in the long run.

 

I wish you well. Do the best you can for all your sakes.