Working on myself

[jdeedee]

I'm beginning to try and work on issues I've been having in relationships and am looking for advice.

 

My two most obvious issues are:

• I start arguments and have trouble accepting other's opinions. When people disagree with me I don't usually hear what they are saying, it feels as if they are attacking my point of view or just not understanding it, so I end up repeating myself over and over and getting angry that they "can't hear me."
  
• I am too brutally honest with other people, I don't think before I speak and sometimes I have trouble showing empathy/compassion. I lack tact.

These two issues cropped up time and time again in my last relationship, and while I tried to work on them I just couldn't stop it from surfacing.

 

Now that I'm single I am seeing them crop up in the relationship I have with my roommate. I don't usually have this issue with total strangers, classmates, etc.

 

So any advice, insight? Any suggestions on how to begin working through them?

 

In my last relationship my girlfriend would get very upset with me, especially about the first point. When she would get upset the second point (lack of empathy, especially) would crop up. I told her time and again I was trying but even I would notice how bad it could get whenever I was stressed or getting heated.

 

 

(This is a repost from the Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being forums, just hoping to get some advice)

[Lee725]

I start arguments and have trouble accepting other's opinions. When people disagree with me I don't usually hear what they are saying, it feels as if they are attacking my point of view or just not understanding it, so I end up repeating myself over and over and getting angry that they "can't hear me."

I use to have this problem years ago, i had to learn the hard way.

I lost more than one friend and relationship partly because of this.

 

Two words: zip it.

 

Close your mouth, stop, LISTEN to what they are saying, stop thinking that it is a personal attack.

 

Take a minute to respond, don't say the first thing that jumps into your mind, give the person that you are discussing with the view/perception that you are considering what they are saying before replying.

(which is what you should be doing for a constructive discussion).

 

Instead of hearing rambling, take snippets of what they are saying that you disagree with, memorize them and once the floor is open start with a non-confrontational statement such as

 

"OK, i hear your view but have you considered....?"

"I fail to understand your perspective, can you please clarify...?"

(something in your own words, these sound a bit ....???)

 

Validate their opinion before replying.

You are completely entitled to your opinion, but in due course not on top of. (if you know what i mean).

Unless you listen to them you will repeat yourself time and time again, if you are not listening, they might be agreeing all the while you are arguing!

 

I am too brutally honest with other people, I don't think before I speak and sometimes I have trouble showing empathy/compassion. I lack tact.

Because you are a brutally honest person does not mean that you have to lack tact.

The pen is mightier than the sword (or so they say).

Again, listen, think, take a breath.

Also if you can picture yourself in their position, if it were you on the other side, what would you want people to say to you? Would you want them to carve you up?

 

These two issues cropped up time and time again in my last relationship, and while I tried to work on them I just couldn't stop it from surfacing.

It is never to late to try.

You may never have the tact or compassion that other's around you have nor can it be guaranteed that you will be able to express yourself the way you would like & the way others around you do, but if you are trying, they will see it and respond accordingly.

 

Be proud that you are trying, it is commendable , as so many people wont even admit there is a problem within them.

 

Now that I'm single I am seeing them crop up in the relationship I have with my roommate. I don't usually have this issue with total strangers, classmates, etc.

On a calm day sit with your room mate and just explain what it is that you are trying to do within yourself right now, if they have a chance to understand you better in that regard they may be more tolerable of any "slip ups".

 

In my last relationship my girlfriend would get very upset with me, especially about the first point. When she would get upset the second point (lack of empathy, especially) would crop up. I told her time and again I was trying but even I would notice how bad it could get whenever I was stressed or getting heated.

A lot of men & women mind you, share the same issue that you have right now, communication, tact, empathy - all of the things that you have listed in your thread are vital to a healthy relationship.

Not just interpersonal ones but on a day to day level.

 

Breathing - or lack of, is a big player.

Breathe before a paragraph, stop and breathe after one.

Think of the sentences & the impact of the words within it.

I know it sounds silly, but it is in that one single breath we can find the clarity not to say something hurtful or we can give our debate partner the chance to "bring something to the table", which we had not considered.

 

Good luck & congrats with your self improvement journey

[jdeedee]

Thanks for the in depth response. I am going to bring these issues up with my therapist on Monday. It's a little late right now so I'll have to reread this all in the morning but I just wanted to say I appreciated such a lengthy and helpful reply!

 

I did notice you ask that I take a step back. That is what I would try to do when the issues cropped up but a lot of the time I am either:

 

a) So into the moment that I don't realise I am acting out these negative attributes

 

or

 

b) So heated that it is next to impossible for me to take a step back.

 

I think b can be resolved with breathing and forcing myself to cool off. a is a lot more difficult for me to address though. Sometimes I just don't realise I am being argumentative.

[Lee725]

a) So into the moment that I don't realise I am acting out these negative attributes

 

or

 

b) So heated that it is next to impossible for me to take a step back.

 

I think b can be resolved with breathing and forcing myself to cool off. a is a lot more difficult for me to address though. Sometimes I just don't realise I am being argumentative.

 

A) Because you think it is personal.

If something is personal to us we become that little more agitated in our response.

Sometimes it will be in regards to an issue that is personal to you, but are they saying:

 

"JDD you are a......."

or are they saying

"JDD, what you are saying is making ME feel....".

 

1st line - personal attack

2nd line - someone Else's perception of your statement/comment, not a personal attack.

 

B) You are not fighting for your life. You are heated based on point A. If you change change your understanding on whether you are being personally attacked or not, this will dictate the amount of "heat", you have.

 

Personal attacks are not OK, they are not constructive nor do they bring any resolution to an argument.

The easiest way to handle a personal attack is to turn your back & walk away.

The fact that someone has steeped so low to attack you personally shows that they do not have the capacity to deal with the situation maturely, therefore why steep down to their level?

 

I hope my experience helps you in some way, some will disagree with my thoughts but hey you get that.

So long as their criticism is constructive i will take it on board.

[jdeedee]

Lee -- from what I've read online being overly defensive/stubborn is usually a sign of low self-esteem. What are your thoughts on that?

 

Also from just rereading your original reply:

My lack of empathy would especially arise in a fight. I had trouble consoling my girlfriend after she got upset. I would come over and sit next to her and she would wait for me to make all the moves to reconcile, hold her, etc. I wanted things to be on more open footing and I would seriously sit there for hours sometimes just waiting on her and her waiting on me. Sometimes if I didn't understand why she was upset I would refuse to apologise, move to her. I felt so cold and had so much trouble showing empathy it hurt her.

Edited January 11, 2008 by jdeedee

[a4a]

Lee -- from what I've read online being overly defensive/stubborn is usually a sign of low self-esteem. What are your thoughts on that?

 

people with good self esteem don't seem to care what other people say to them or about them...... so could be true.

[jdeedee]

Any advice on building up self esteem? I'm depressed right now, not clinically but at least one friend has told me I am and I do feel depressed. Tired all day, easily upset, lonely, occasional suicidal thought.

 

I've been taking St. John's Wort for the depression and in the past few days I've actually noticed my mood becoming better (this is about the third week I've been taking them).

 

 

My self-esteem has been up and down my entire life. As a kid in elementary school I was picked on/bullied a bit but nothing too bad. It got a lot better in H.S. but the past few years I've become really shy and much less outgoing than I used to be. I have trouble making friends and have just been a bit of a downer in general.

[Lee725]

Lee -- from what I've read online being overly defensive/stubborn is usually a sign of low self-esteem. What are your thoughts on that?

 

A4A is spot on in my thoughts.

Example: My brother he went bald at a young age (started at 16), he got picked on alot, he was not what you would call "good looking". Never had self esteem or a sense of self worth (from a very young age).

Over the years he developed "the chip on his shoulder".

He could not hold a job or a GF because of these attitudes that he had.

Defensive, arrogant, argumentative - i in fact stopped talking to him for 5 years because he was impossible to communicate with.

The worst part was he thought everyone "owed" him something.

 

He always thought everyone was attacking him personally.

Every conversation ended in an argument. Therapy has helped him immensely.

He is a much better person for having better self esteem.

 

Also from just rereading your original reply:

My lack of empathy would especially arise in a fight. I had trouble consoling my girlfriend after she got upset. I would come over and sit next to her and she would wait for me to make all the moves to reconcile, hold her, etc. I wanted things to be on more open footing and I would seriously sit there for hours sometimes just waiting on her and her waiting on me. Sometimes if I didn't understand why she was upset I would refuse to apologise, move to her. I felt so cold and had so much trouble showing empathy it hurt her

 

See this has to work both ways.

You are attempting empathy by sitting with her & not storming out the door. She is waiting on you. Not good.

If you are the one who has done something wrong, explain why you done it & the reasons behind your choice to do it (as best you can), then it is up to her to say "OK, i forgive you, hug me", or "no i don't forgive you - heres why"

 

If she has done something wrong and is sitting there waiting for you to show empathy without explaining herself you have every right to not respond.

 

Stand offs like this should not happen. Someone is not communicating.

If you try to talk to her and she still sits there, say "OK, i can see that we are not going to get anywhere here - i will come back later to talk about it" & turn to leave. I guarantee she would jump up and say something.

 

Showing empathy does not include being someones emotional toy. (i hope you know what i mean there). I have had these stand offs myself in the past with one particular EX who had a sharp tongue.

He struggled with empathy to, in the end i would say "OK, this is what i need to resolve this". When he could not provide what i needed or vice versa, myself or him would go out for a while. Sometimes a while away helps to clarify any trivial components from relevant ones.

 

Thinking about what you would want someone to say to you in a particular conversation may help finding the right words to say.

Reverse the role, try to see it from the other perspective - if you can do this you might find the right words without even really trying.

 

This is just based on my thoughts and experience, so please dont take it all as gospel.

Edited January 12, 2008 by Lee725

[Ronni_W]

Any advice on building up self esteem?

Hi jdeedee.

Having high self-esteem has a lot to do with knowing without doubt your personal beliefs, values, likes, dislikes, needs, desires, strengths, talents, positive qualities and "negative" aspects (those areas that you want to improve upon.)

 

I see where you've figured out a couple of your biggest "problem areas" -- now, what are some of your biggest positives??? And, your awareness of your problem areas counts for a BIG positive! Your desire to improve is another.

 

What's important to you? Honesty? Bravery? Justice? Empathy? Objectivity? Tenacity? (There's a whole long list of such qualities/characteristics. I've seen an exercise where you pick your most important 7, then 5, then 3. Those 3 represent a solid foundation on which an individual can build their life and dreams.)

 

I think once you know WHO YOU ARE and what you stand for and why you've done the things you've done (that is, what qualities, perceptions, needs and wants motivated your behaviour), then it becomes easier to not care if others can or do "validate" your beliefs, opinions, feelings and life experiences...you are always in possession of the information and knowledge to validate your Self, and don't need any/everyone else to understand and/or agree with your point of view.

 

And the process of really getting to know you helps you realize that others' beliefs and opinions are based on a whole different set of things that are important to them, and come from a totally different set of strengths, weaknesses and life experiences -- you will get to a place of "live and let live" knowing that each unique perspective is equally valuable and valid.

 

I really admire your desire and effort to get to the "bottom" of what isn't working so well for you in your life and relationships -- that takes a lot courage. I wish you all the best.

Edited January 12, 2008 by Ronni_W
Added "needs and desires" to 1st paragraph