BiancaRura Posted June 17, 2003 Share Posted June 17, 2003 I havent posted on here in a long time but now I have a bit of a problem. Well its not really a problem. I recently started seeing this guy and everything seems GREAT right now. He was a little hesitant about getting into a relationship with me because his ex (whom he broke up with about 6 months ago after having a 3 1/2 yr relationship with) had really screwed him up. Shes cheated on him and even is trying to put a restraining order on him because he wanted his stuff back. He was afraid Id do the same, which I understand. Now for the tiny problem... He keeps saying things like "My ex used to do that" or little things like that, like hes comparing the 2. He says "all the good qualities she had, you have and but youre not a bitch like her". None of his friends liked her and neither did his family. So far, out of the friends/family of his Ive met, they seem to like me. I just wish hed stop talking about her. Its not like a jealousy thing, its more like I dont like seeing him angry and when someone starts bringing up the subject he gets angry. WHat should I do to get over the feeling I have or help him get over his anger for his ex? Also, how can I help him see that Im not going to hurt him like his ex did? Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 17, 2003 Share Posted June 17, 2003 I don't know, but if you find out, let me know... It's pretty apparent, I think, that these types of people haven't fully processed the hurt, anger, and loss. Which equates to they may not be emotionally available fully to us yet. We can wait it out, mention somewhere along the way that they should deal constructively with their feelings, even promote therapy. I know it is not jealousy either, it's just wanting to feel special to the person, and yet another person's name keeps coming up. Hey, just be happy if the old pictures are down! I'm still dealing with that one. I must be crazy, so are you sure you want to take advice from me... You might let him know the comparison thing is out of bounds, and tell him how you feel. "I feel like .... when I hear about....". I have had burning parties, where a couple of us get together and burn the remnants of the past as a way of moving on to the future and making a list of things we want to do in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 17, 2003 Share Posted June 17, 2003 ah, Bianca, that's a hard one to go through, but the only way to "fix" it is to be yourself, knowing that you are a better person than his ex ever was. Sometimes you have to nicely remind him that you are not her, and he's not giving y'alls relationship a fair shake whenever he compares the two of you, even when he's trying to let you know that he thinks you're the better person. The first couple of years I was married, my husband was convinced that I was going to screw him over the way his first two wives did, and there were a lot of arguments because of that. Being as stubborn as I am, I decided to show him ... now the only comparison I get is when he tells me "you're as evil as your sister" when he's upset with me! Seriously, though, your actions speak loudest, and he will pick up on that. If it gets to the point where it more than mildly annoys you, talk to him about it. He'll get the picture and realize that the horrible stuff about his relationship with her is just not worth poisoning his relationship with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaRura Posted June 18, 2003 Author Share Posted June 18, 2003 Her name doesnt come up, he just says "my ex". Also, all the pics are down but I have found things like her toothbrush is still in the bath room (gross) and he says hes going to break it and throw it out. He tells me everyday how special I am and how hes so glad to find someone like me. When he says things like that it feels like hes over her but then a comparison thing comes along. He tells me I make him feel like a million bucks. He says I touch him in ways no one else has. Take last night for instance, I almost make him have an orgasm with out even touching down south on him. No one else has been able to do that with him. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 19, 2003 Share Posted June 19, 2003 Okay, well this sounds good. In fact, I think he just sounds normal then, except for the toothbrush... There are 4 stages of grief which can be applied to breakups. Either way, you lose someone. He just seems to be teetering between the stages 3 and 4, anger and acceptance. I know it hurts the ego a little bit to think, 'we'll he has me now, why isn't he completely over it'. A few times, I have thought if I meant more then the ex wouldn't have so much "power" over those little thoughts that go swirling around in our dates heads. But, that's life, after that first relationship, we don't start from the same place. BTW... it could be worse. MUCH WORSE. The ex's name is the same as mine. It was a joke at first, "well, you can't screw that one up", etc... But after a while, I became quite belligerent if anybody even mentioned it. Link to post Share on other sites
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