Magnatolia Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 Hey all I've never had a great social life, actually I've never really had a social life. However when I get invited to things (especially when I don't know the people, or not very well). I get this fear in the pit of my stomach and it's really annoying. It's sort of like 'what will they think of me, what will I say, will we get along' but I don't actually think these thoughts. I know from past experience that the fearful feelings are actually incorrect as I usually do great. Have a good time etc. I once had a catchup with some friends from school (and a couple of their friends) and the exact same thing happened. I hadn't seen them in a few years. Any thoughts or advice? The whole deep breathing thing doesn't work... Link to post Share on other sites
bozwa Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 I sometimes get nervous in those situations. I believe it just stems from years of painful shyness as I was growing up and into my adulthood. I'm still shy but have improved IMMENSELY in that area. I came to the same realization you did...as I grew further into my adult years, I did better and better in social situations despite the fear/uneasiness. The more you socialize, the easier it will get. Give it time. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
bozwa Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 Just a side note, I now give presentations and trainigs to 20-30 business men and women at a time for my job. I get pretty sick just beforehand, but give me about 5 seconds into my schpeel, and I immediately relax and all is well. If I can do THAT, you'll have no problem. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 I've never had a great social life, actually I've never really had a social life...I usually do great. Have a good time etc. That just means that you don't care to have a social life and it's a drag. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Author Magnatolia Posted January 12, 2008 Author Share Posted January 12, 2008 Ariadne, I fail to see the link between not having a social life and not caring for one. The only reason I don't have a social life is because my friends are slack and I have trouble making friends who are able to hangout on a regular basis. The fear is at the beginning, once I get into the swing of things I calm down immensely. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 Ariadne, I fail to see the link between not having a social life and not caring for one. Well, if you cared to have a social life, you'd have one already. You just don't care. Link to post Share on other sites
bozwa Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 Well, if you cared to have a social life, you'd have one already. You just don't care. I disagree. It's harder for some people to attain this than others. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Magnatolia Posted January 12, 2008 Author Share Posted January 12, 2008 You really think so? Let me guess you've had a perfect life always had friends right? I'm not one of those people that sits back and expects people to flock to me. I've invited at least probably 10 people that I've worked with to be friends and the ones that did became acquaintances. they're really slack at catching up. I suggest a catch up and then have to wait for a time when they're free. I've even gone onto community sites in the hope of meeting someone who wants to be friends. So yeah I do care. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 You really think so? Let me guess you've had a perfect life always had friends right? I'm not one of those people that sits back and expects people to flock to me. I've invited at least probably 10 people that I've worked with to be friends and the ones that did became acquaintances. they're really slack at catching up. I suggest a catch up and then have to wait for a time when they're free. I've even gone onto community sites in the hope of meeting someone who wants to be friends. So yeah I do care. Well, if you are inept at having friends.. why on earth are you trying to have a social life where you don't belong to? No wonder you are fearful. Who told you that's what you ought to do? As I said, is a drag for you. Link to post Share on other sites
bozwa Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 Well, if you are inept at having friends.. why on earth are you trying to have a social life where you don't belong to? No wonder you are fearful. Who told you that's what you ought to do? As I said, is a drag for you. What......? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Magnatolia Posted January 12, 2008 Author Share Posted January 12, 2008 Well actually I do have friends but I want friends who have more free time. And the ones I work with aren't them. It's what I want. You might be one of those people that does something because everyone else does it but I prefer to do things that make me happy. And hanging out with mates is one of them. When something is a drag it means its boring, so why the hell would I be trying to do something that I find boring. Buy yourself a dictionary. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 Well, if you cared to have a social life, you'd have one already. You just don't care. Actually, Often I don't understand or agree with Ariadne. However, here I concur. You have to step up and reach out of your comfort zone if you want more interaction with people. If the party won't come to you then go out a find a social gathering. I don't like social things, and often I just don't care. I own it. I understand about the nervous pit thing. It is anxiety. You can suck it up or you can open yourself to small comfortable groups and settings. You can even force yourself to mix with a group you don't even care about, like a knitting class or ...whatever. There are all kinds of gatherings. Your social interaction or choice not to involve yourself is in your hands. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Magnatolia Posted January 12, 2008 Author Share Posted January 12, 2008 Actually I put myself out there all the time. Pretty much every person I have worked with that I wanted to be friends with I have asked them. I do have a fear about asking someone I don't know well if I can join them and their friends. Just seems awkward when you don't the initial person that well. I never said that I give in to the anxious feelings. I always say yes (when applicable) just wondering how the hell to get rid of these feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
KenzieAbsolutely Posted January 12, 2008 Share Posted January 12, 2008 I don't like social things, and often I just don't care. I own it. i'm this way too...sometimes. but some people, it's not that they don't care. they feel physically unable to go out and do certain things, and if they force themselves to regardless, it's not without discomfort. it's a real problem for some, not just a 'why bother' kind of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Well, if you cared to have a social life, you'd have one already. You just don't care. Not everybody's situation is the same. It's not that people "don't care" to have a social life, per se. Alot of people have social anxiety. It's very hard to go out and be social sometimes. Honestly - I dread when I have to go somewhere where there's a group of people. My cousin just turned 1 the other day, and I dreaded just going to his birthday party, knowing there would be around 20 people there. I'm the exact same way as Magnatolia. And hon, I wish I had good advice for ya. But just know that you are not alone in the way you're feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Magnatolia Posted January 17, 2008 Author Share Posted January 17, 2008 tbh I think the best thing to do is just grit our teeth and ignore it. That's what I did and I had an awesome time. It became an all nighter and I made a couple of friends out of the group as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 tbh I think the best thing to do is just grit our teeth and ignore it. That's what I did and I had an awesome time. It became an all nighter and I made a couple of friends out of the group as well. I'm really glad to hear that. I was also glad to hear that you do push through your fear because you recognize the benefit of putting yourself out there. Frankly, making that effort in the face of such a fear, tells me that you do care, and that you are willing to overcome a decent amount of internal resistance to accomplish something worthwhile. If it were a fear that was limiting you, holding you back - if you felt better by staying inside and avoiding going out, meeting people, etc. - then I would be much more worried for you. You know, a lot of hockey players throw up before every game, out of nerves. But then they go out and play their hearts out. I'm assuming your nerves don't rise to that level (if they do, carefully check your cheeks and chin before leaving the house for any remnants... ) Good luck continuing to push through it, and I'm really glad you are getting positive results. I hope that will help to minimize your nerves over time. Practice, practice, practice... Link to post Share on other sites
Trinity_49 Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Unfortunately, there is no easy fix. But it helps if you have something in common with the people you want to socialise with. I had the same deal a few years back, my friends at the time were off doing there own thing, so I picked an activity that I liked and wanted to spend my time doing (playing pool and snooker) and went to a pool hall. I met some of the best friends there, and had the best 9 months of my life before I moved town. But the first few times I went there, I had to force myself to go. It does get easier, but hey, our fears are there to be confronted. I'm sure that Ariadne has fears too, probably of admitting to them, so forget what he said, he doesn't know what he is talking about. And good luck with it, it might turn out to be the best thing that you ever did. Link to post Share on other sites
KaRo Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 I have a moderate fear of meeting to new people. Sometimes I can conquer that fear, sometimes I can't. Most of the time it's rewarding when I do. Link to post Share on other sites
Eagle362 Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 Hi, I think everyones in the same boat here. The latest examples are when I was invited to a friends for a BBQ and I didn't want to go as my girlfriends x was there I went anyway and had a good time. Another time I went to a friends gathering and had a terrible time people hitting on my gf, all the woman going off into little groups school kid kind of stuff. My point is that if you know and stipulate the word KNOW your going to have a bad time find different people to spend time around with. If you are just like this everytime I think it would be best to show up to some of these invites and see how they go. Yesterday is gone Tommorow is Forever. Link to post Share on other sites
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