Hurt and Emotionally Confused

[Guest]

I was involved with a beautiful, intelligent woman for two months. We spent New Year's eve together. On new Year's Day she phoned me at home and in a very tearful voice said that she had to speak to me immediately. I rushed over to her house and she told me that she could not see me anymore because she had her "old boyfriend " on her mind. She took off to Vegas 2 days later and married the guy, crushing my heart as I think that I love her. To make matters even more distressing, she called me the first few weeks telling me that she misses me. I received an email from her recently stating that she misses me and that she thinks of me often and that she "wishes that we could be together". I have not responded as I still really care for her , but she is married and I do not think that I have the right to interfere with her emotionally, and certainly do not want to start an affair with her. I still don't understand how she could have done what she has done , and despite trying to put her out of my mind and heart, I find myself thinking of her too often. Please help and advise me on what i should do. thanks

 

Steve

[Totally Confused]

I hate to say it, but you already know the answer. You have no choice but to hurt and move on - she's married now. This girl seems to be very flakey in her decision making. One minute she's with you, the next she's back in love with her ex-boyfriend and running off to marry him...and now she misses you and wants to be with you again. Look at the whole picture here. Marriage was a very big step to take, it's not a game, that you change your mind about. It's supposed to be forever. She felt something strong for the moment, didn't put any future thought into it, went with her heart (because it felt strongly that day for her ex) instead of thinking with her head and she took a serious vow of a committment. Here it is 3/4 weeks later and she's changing her mind. What does that tell you about her? Do you really want to be with someone like this - indecisive. She's hasn't got the first clue as to what love is. You also might want to take a step back and think about what real love is yourself and what you want in a relationship. I also know you feel you know her well after only 2 months, but apparently not, since she's married her ex. I bet you didn't expect that. Always look ahead into the future with a person that you are in love with in the present. What would happen if you had been the one to have married her? She'd be pining for the other guy right now. If you take her back, she'll miss her husband again. Don't be the other guy, you deserve so much better than that. This girl made a dramatic decision and chose the wrong guy - too bad, she's lost you. And what if it was you she had married and you two had children? Would she decide down the road that she didn't want to be a mother or wife anymore and take off. L:ook at the little things she does now, it will give you an idea of who she really is. Well, look at the bright side, I know you feel strongly for her now, but 6 mo. /1 year from now (if you stay away from her) you'll be over it and have moved on and she'll be going through a divorce or a miserable marriage with this husband of hers - in other words she'll be unhappy. For some reason, it always feels like the end of the world when you lose someone you feel strongly for, but it isn't. There's always someone else, and when you meet that someone else, you'll be soooo thankful it didn't work out with this girl, cause if it had, you wouldn't be able to be with this new wonderful girl, who's so much better and healthier for you. You'll look back and say to yourself "What was I thinking?" You won't believe me now, but you eventually will. Heartaches kill, but you'll be fine as long as you stay away from this unbalanced girl. Find someone who's more together and can make a decision and stick with it. This girl feeling you can't trust from day to day, and I feel bad for her husband, though he doesn't sound very balanced either. Just don't let this girl drag you into her little drama. STAY AWAY...FAR AWAY from her, for your own good. Good luck with your decision and i hope it works out.

[Been There]

Hey Steve,

 

Just wanted to tell you man that it definitely DOES get better. I thought I fell in love with someone after 2 months, but similar to your situation (although not NEARLY as extreme), she phoned me at 4am on Christmas Day to tell me she had "fallen asleep" over her ex's house -- I was crushed! Especially after spending Christmas Eve together and making some wonderful plans for New Years. But this was not that long ago and I already feel better. I had to ask myself, "What did I really lose?" And with such a short period of time spent with her, the answer was "not much." I snapped back real quickly, but was ONLY able to do it once she was OUT of my life. She started to call and e-mail me after I broke it off with her saying "she wanted to be friends" but it was only until I told her "I can't talk to you." That I started to heal. Have not heard from her in over a month, and it's like it never happened.

 

But anyway, I just wanted to tell you that so you can keep your chin up, hold onto your pride, and do the one last good thing for yourself -- tell her not to call or talk to you anymore. She's obviously not the one -- just like what the prior message said. Best of luck to you.

I hate to say it, but you already know the answer. You have no choice but to hurt and move on - she's married now. This girl seems to be very flakey in her decision making. One minute she's with you, the next she's back in love with her ex-boyfriend and running off to marry him...and now she misses you and wants to be with you again. Look at the whole picture here. Marriage was a very big step to take, it's not a game, that you change your mind about. It's supposed to be forever. She felt something strong for the moment, didn't put any future thought into it, went with her heart (because it felt strongly that day for her ex) instead of thinking with her head and she took a serious vow of a committment. Here it is 3/4 weeks later and she's changing her mind. What does that tell you about her? Do you really want to be with someone like this - indecisive. She's hasn't got the first clue as to what love is. You also might want to take a step back and think about what real love is yourself and what you want in a relationship. I also know you feel you know her well after only 2 months, but apparently not, since she's married her ex. I bet you didn't expect that. Always look ahead into the future with a person that you are in love with in the present. What would happen if you had been the one to have married her? She'd be pining for the other guy right now. If you take her back, she'll miss her husband again. Don't be the other guy, you deserve so much better than that. This girl made a dramatic decision and chose the wrong guy - too bad, she's lost you. And what if it was you she had married and you two had children? Would she decide down the road that she didn't want to be a mother or wife anymore and take off. L:ook at the little things she does now, it will give you an idea of who she really is. Well, look at the bright side, I know you feel strongly for her now, but 6 mo. /1 year from now (if you stay away from her) you'll be over it and have moved on and she'll be going through a divorce or a miserable marriage with this husband of hers - in other words she'll be unhappy. For some reason, it always feels like the end of the world when you lose someone you feel strongly for, but it isn't. There's always someone else, and when you meet that someone else, you'll be soooo thankful it didn't work out with this girl, cause if it had, you wouldn't be able to be with this new wonderful girl, who's so much better and healthier for you. You'll look back and say to yourself "What was I thinking?" You won't believe me now, but you eventually will. Heartaches kill, but you'll be fine as long as you stay away from this unbalanced girl. Find someone who's more together and can make a decision and stick with it. This girl feeling you can't trust from day to day, and I feel bad for her husband, though he doesn't sound very balanced either. Just don't let this girl drag you into her little drama. STAY AWAY...FAR AWAY from her, for your own good. Good luck with your decision and i hope it works out.

[Roxanne]

well i think that you should just walk away. if she could just get up and walk out with out really a reaon then you deserve better. i am not putting her down but i am saying that was very wrong of her. you need to find somebody that is going to love you for you not for what she wants you to be. seems to me that maybe you were kinda like her ex and she needed to fill that void. you know what i mean? she isn't worth it if she can just get up and walk away. i hope everything goes well.

 

roxanne