Too Many Female Friends

[elizrn2]

Hello!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 1 year. He is a great guy with many great attributes and I love him very much. The biggest problem is that he has ALOT of female friends. In fact, he has always had many female friends in his life since he was in highschool and college. What concerns me is that he text messages, emails, talks on the phone and meets some of these women for coffee periodically. Some of the women are single, some are in relationships. Most of them are in their early to late 20's. He is 35 years old. This is obviously a threat to me and makes me somewhat jealous. I know for a fact his previous girlfriends have had a problem with this behavior as well. He is the type of guy who "loves women." He loves to look at woman and I would consider him a "ladies man" so to speak. (he is a police officer). I've told him my concerns and how I think it's abnormal to have all these girls in his life and that it makes me uncomfortable and hurts me. It's hard to ask a man to choose between you and the lady friends and I'm not sure it's appropiate. What angle should I take? What kind of compromise could be made??

[Tony T]

You are quite right, it's not right or rational to ask him to give up friends. However, I think it would be totally appropriate for him to introduce his lady buddies to you and from time to time make you a part of his meetings with them. If his relationship with them is truly platonic and they know all about you...and if they are really his friends...they should be quite eager to get to know you better.

 

If he balks at introducing you to them, then for your own sake and emotional good you should "bail" out of this one and find somebody who's not quite the Casanova.

[oppath]

It's hard to ask a man to choose between you and the lady friends and I'm not sure it's appropiate. What angle should I take? What kind of compromise could be made??

 

The compromise should be the ones Tony listed. These friends should know about you, and if they are someone he keeps in touch with and meets regularly you should meet them.

 

Just say "you know, you talk about Susan a lot. She sounds cool. I'd like to meet her."

 

If he balks...then an argument will ensue, but it's not unreasonable to meet your bf's friends, and it's not unreasonable to be invited every 2-3 times he meets with them either. It's called integrating you into his life. So is the problem these friends, or is it the fact that you don't feel visible, and you aren't integrated into those friendships? Separate friends are good, but let's face it, eventually your partners friends need to be your friends too if you want a lasting, healthy relationship.

[Lyssa]

BF had this problem with me - what I did was I introduced my guy friends to him. I haven't introduced him to ALL but a few of them who are pretty close to me. Even if he didn't have this problem with me in the beginning, I would want to do it anyway because it's important that my friends know I am committed. I hope your BF will see it that way too about your R with him.

 

I would do it the way Tony and Oppath suggested.

[oppath]

For me it's not that I fear cheating, it's that if I don't meet her friends, I don't feel like I'm a priority and that she's not all that committed. It all comes down to making me feel visible. Because if you feel invisible, small, or that part of your bf/gf's life is hidden from you or not accessible, well, that is a horrible thing to feel.

 

I have a LOT of female friends, but I see them much less when I have a gf and if they are in relationships, I don't hang out with them much either. What matters is that it is rational to feel a bit uncomfortable with your bf hanging out with all these women. The compromise is integrating you into the friendship.