We are both incredibly immature.

[ggdogg]

This post might disgust you, but I need some advice.

 

My girlfriend cheated on me and lied to me for a month. It was very ugly. However, in the past, I had three secret affairs. We have decided to end the relationship for a while. We are both incredibly immature. The sad part is, in a year, we might get back together, granted we both grow up a bit. She feels bad about her affair. I have never told her about my affairs. Shoud I? Would it help her feel better? I know ZERO about women’s feelings. I dated her for 5 years, and I still care about her feelings. I’m having trouble sleeping about this. What should I do?

 

We are both highly educated, graduate school, but we are not ready for marriage. we just need a few years of independence to get out what is in our system. we both live in new york city, and there are many temptations here. she has told me that she has no interest in marrying the guy she cheated with. however, i have taken the high road on this affair, despite a bit of ugliess. i let her go and told her to be safe, and if our paths cross in the future, then so be it. however, i'm only concerned about her feelings here. i think that news of my affairs will only infuriate her and make her cry. i don't want that. even if we don't see each other again, would it help her with her grief if she knew of my affairs? most people i've talked with have told me not to tell her, because it would add nothing to the situation.

[Ronni_W]

She feels bad about her affair. I have never told her about my affairs. Shoud I? I’m having trouble sleeping about this. What should I do?

The fact that you are having trouble sleeping is a HUGE message from your whole self (mind, heart, body and spirit) that you must to do something. And in this situation, there is only ONE thing that you must to do.

 

You already know what your personal "right thing" to do is, and you likely also know (if only subconsciously) that it does not matter one iota what others may be suggesting you do. You know that they are wrong to say that it will not add to the situation.

 

There are so many layers it will add, that one can hardly count them all. You KNOW that. It's just that you don't want to deal with some of those layers (that is, the consequences of your actions.)

 

This is not a time to consider what you want to deal with and what you want to avoid dealing with (her appropriate anger, distrust, frustration, etc.)

 

Up until now you have acted in extremely cowardly fashion. Only you can change that. This is NOT about how "incredibly immature" you are as an individual -- that is just an incredible excuse!

 

Act like a human being -- find some empathy and compassion and add those qualities to the situation; and hope that she will eventually choose to add forgiveness to the situation.

 

it would add nothing to the situation.

 

Are you KIDDING me???

[ggdogg]

i just realized that my post indicates that i initiated the breakup.

 

she has played the victim since the breakup occured, and she wanted to move out. she has shown no remorse for what she has done, and i have spent over $2000 accomodating her 'space' needs while she was lying to me. she has always been very neurotic.

 

its probably for the best, and we'll probably never get back together. however, i would like to tell her what i did, but i feel that as of now, there is no point.

[Ronni_W]

i just realized that my post indicates that i initiated the breakup.

No, I never assumed that. I didn't even wonder about that.

 

Who initiated the break-up, who plays the better victim, who has the deeper psychological issues, and whatever else is beside the point in the matter that is keeping you up nights.

[ggdogg]

thanks for replies Ronny.

 

i guess the one thing that is holding me back about telling her is that we are both in our 20's. everyone is allowed to make mistakes, right? i think that after a year or two, we'll both be different people and won't even care about what happened. we'll probably meet new people, and not re-unite. i'll get over the sleepless nights soon. also, i'm scared of the repercussions of telling her. she'll tell all of her friends, my family, and post comments about me on the internet. if i do tell her, is there a way to do it? should i wait a bit? the costs seem to outweigh the benefits here?

 

i know how the conversation will go:

 

me "her name... i need to tell you that i was not true to you, also"

 

her "why are you telling me this?"

 

me "because it has kept me up at night, and i don't want you to feel bad about what you did"

 

her "i don't feel bad about what i did.... "

 

she will spiral out of control after this point....

 

 

 

this is completely disgusting, but it needs some type of closure. either i come clean or keep it in the vault. right now, i think i should just continue living my life and move on without her.

[Ronni_W]

GG, yes, of course, we're all allowed to make "mistakes" (let's call them "learning opportunities") -- whether we're 20 or 120, we'll still be learning, I really believe.

 

My response was from a (mis)interpretation that you KNOW it will help with her healing, if she knows about your affairs.

BUT...if you are sure that she's not feeling badly about her affair then of course, you ought to find a different arena in which to relieve yourself of your guilt. Of course, don't just dump it on her because YOU feel bad and want to feel (and sleep) better.

 

In your most recent post, you still refer to your not telling her as being "disgusting" -- I get that that refers to your disgust with yourself (which is what's keeping you up nights -- you don't like this aspect of yourself.)

 

Forgetting about her, that is still something, IMO, that you do need to properly deal with. Call it a process of self-forgiveness or whatever -- but it is important to your self-respect that you find a way to make this part of your personal development rather than it being a "disgusting" part of your personality. (If that makes sense? -- personal development vs. personality?)

 

If you do decide that it's in everyone's best interest to do nothing, then that is what you must remind yourself -- "I have done what I genuinely believed to be in everyone's best interest." When that is your intention and what motivates your action (or inaction), you will not feel guilty or disgusted with your Self.

 

Best of luck.

Edited January 13, 2008 by Ronni_W
grammar

[Ronni_W]

also, i'm scared of the repercussions of telling her. she'll tell all of her friends, my family, and post comments about me on the internet. ...the costs seem to outweigh the benefits here?

Stick with the benefits . At this point, you can just decide, "It is in my best interest to not pursue this any further with her. And I will learn how to properly deal with my feelings of self-disgust so that I don't carry that forward with me and into my future dreams and relationships."

 

That's perfectly fine and acceptable (as long as you then follow-up and learn what you promised yourself you would.)

 

I'm trying to find other "learnings" that can evolve your development. (This is just me throwing stuff out -- take what makes sense and junk the rest.)

 

You could, for example, decide that you will never, EVER again do something for which you are unwilling to accept responsibility for the consequences of your own actions (or inactions.) At home or work or play or relationships, you will take all responsibility for everything you do, think and say (and for everything you don't do, don't consider and don't say.)

 

On the other hand.

How you think she will react is just something that you are speculating about at this point. It is just your opinion, even if it is based on really solid evidence on how she's behaved in the past. It will not be reality unless and until you tell her and she does exactly everything you're afraid she will.

 

You could, for another example, decide that you will never again make assumptions about other people's actions, motives, beliefs, intentions, perceptions, needs, desires, etc.

 

See how I'm doing this? -- you are not obligated to tell her anything, but then you must uncover the positive aspects of not telling her. You must start to engage in behaviour that would reflect those positive aspects. You would be doing this for your Self: your self-confidence, your self-respect, your self-esteem.

 

You go forward with the though, "I learned, I changed, and now I am a better person for the very difficult lesson." And then you can thank the Universe (for the lesson), if that is what you would do.

[whichwayisup]

I don't believe either of you could fully trust eachother. It's time to move on and grow up. Learn from your mistakes and find out why you felt the need to cheat on her 3 separate times in your relationship!