megame Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 hi all, I have been having a hard and confusing time of late and would love some advice, first, i am married with 2 beautiful girls, I have been a stay at home mum for most of the time I have been with my husband, as I fell pregnant soon after meeting him, however, I love him with all my heart. these are the things I have always wanted in life, having a husband who I love, having kids and being home with them, so why am I not happy??????????? While I love my husband, and Im positive he loves me, things are not perfect, My eldest daughter is 3years and my youngest is 1 year old, I am on the run from the moment I wake up till I go to sleep at night, some days I get everything done with time to sit down and rest, and other days I seem to get no where, well my husband, is the kind of guy who thinks he works, so he does nothing aound the home to help, he helps with nothing, and if he gets home from work and the house isnt spotless, I am all sorts of bad names. This just leads to fight when I try to stick up for myself, and he has a bad temper and has hit me a few times, after my second child was born, I think I was quite depressed with all this, and my husband stared telling me how lazy I was and that I should get a job, I didnt want to because I didnt want to leave my kids, he pushed until I found one. The job I got is an evening and weekends job, so he can watch the kids while Im working at the local club. well it turns out, that I just love working, I have made so many friends, have self confidence back, and feel really proud that im making money too. Now, my husband wants me to quit, I dont understand this, one day we had a big fight about my job, and it all came out, he doesnt want me to talk to other guys, he accused me of sleeping with guys at work, etc, etc. he then hit me while I was holding my baby, I went nuts and told him to leave or Id call the police, he left and we didnt talk for a week, then he started to weed his way back in over the next few months, so well, that I hardly realised. In the mean time, my friend at work, who is male, we have become very close, as friends, he was there to talk to and helped me as he has just been through a divorce this past year. I know I love my husband, but I dont think I can live my life with his controling ways, and he refuses counselling outright!! But I have started to have feeling for my male friend, I have not told him, but he admitted to me that he has feelings for me, but he would never try anything until I said so, because he respects me. I said I just wanted to be friends, as I had too much respect for my husband, to do anything with anyone while he wasnt out the door properly yet. not that that means when he is Id jump rite in, as Im not wanting to leave to go straight in to another relationship of any sort. I had a long hard think and decided enough was enough with my husband as our whole relationship seemed to be me giving him chance after chance, the night of our wedding he punched me in the back of the head because I danced with the best man! mind you for his bucks night he went to a strip club. But since he has been back, he has been perfect, I cant bring myself to tell him that I dont know if I can forgive the past enough to move on in life with him, My male friend, I think I have feeling for him because he is so nice and treats me with respect, and all the things that have been lacking in my marriage. I hope all this didnt come out in a jumble and that you understand some of it, and my apology for the length of it, but your feedback is needed. thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Hmm...well I have been where you are now. With one exception...I never did work while I was married. I probably should have and it would have given me some power within the marriage. Instead the power came by my leaving. Your husband sounds like he is a controlling abuser. He hits you and he has no regards for your baby either. That's just scary. If he knocked you out the baby could have fallen and he didn't even care. It's sad that he won't go and get the help he needs. Without help or some kind of initiative on his part I don't see the situation changing very much. As far as him "being" nice now, I know too well that it is him "acting" nice. He's not "really" nice. People who are nice don't have to try to be nice, it's just who they are. He's a broken man. He lets what you do affect his moods. If he were a stronger man he'd react better with what life throws at him and not blame anyone for his reactions. That's just lame. Now you feel as though you need to be on your best behavior as to not provoke him. Honey that's no way to live. You should be who you are, say what you feel and be proud of your achievements without being constantly knocked down for your shortcomings. You aren't even you in this marriage. You aren't allowed to be. And that's just sad. I won't tell you to leave although I think you should. But I would ask you to really consider what you want in life. You only have one life. Also keep in mind that he is the example for the men your daughters will love. What he does and how he treats you is pretty much what they can expect as treatment from guys in their relationships. I wish you a lot of luck. You have some hard thinking to do. XO Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 I normally don't condone cheating but your husband sounds like the scum of the earth. What kind of man beats a woman while holding a baby and hits his wife on their wedding night? Run as fast as you can and leave him then if you want to pursue something with your friend go ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 You seem to be emotionally starved. You need respect, trust, affection and attention in your life because it is lacking in your marriage. I would see where this thing with the co-worker leads to. Take things very slow and get out of it what you want, without going in too deep. Friends maybe all that you need. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 I forgot to address your work friend. If I were you I'd keep it strictly platonic. You've done nothing wrong in your marriage so far, well nothing as bad as your husband has done. Don't start now. Keep your dignity in tact by not stooping to his level of disrespect. Besides having an affair will only contribute to the chaos you're going through. You have enough on your plate already. Link to post Share on other sites
johnnyj Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 My male friend, I think I have feeling for him because he is so nice and treats me with respect, and all the things that have been lacking in my marriage. Why is it that women like you always seem to find one of these "guys at work" when you are having problems at home. If you wanted someone to talk to about your situation at home, you should have picked up the phone and called your mother, or your sister or a good female friend. Why would you just run to someone of the opposite sex from your work of all places? Sorry, but I can't respect that even if your husband hits you. And as far as the guy at your work, if he were a real gentleman and respected you and your marriage, he wouldn't be admitting he has feelings for you and trying to move his way in on you... because that's exactly what he is doing. The more I read in this forum, it seems that unhappily married women have more of a tendency to stray than men. It's sort of frightening. Some of you women think because you are neglected and abused at home, this makes it ok to go out and talk of your problems with other men. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Some of you women think because you are neglected and abused at home, this makes it ok to go out and talk of your problems with other men. I have to disagree. I think it's very healthy for abused women to speak about the abuse, to ANYONE, male or female. Otherwise it is a shameful dark secret. I don't care who women go to to speak about it as long as they do although a trained professional would be best. But speaking up to someone is a very good beginning. Link to post Share on other sites
johnnyj Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 I have to disagree. I think it's very healthy for abused women to speak about the abuse, to ANYONE, male or female. No my dear, not to other men it isn't. Unless that man is your father, brother, uncle, etc.. I don't see how it is healthy for a married woman to speak to a man at her work about those problems. Are you nuts? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Are you nuts? Nope. Are you the product of abuse or just a guy who's been two-timed before therefore thinking he should get up on his moral high-horse to punish this woman for how he's been wronged? Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 What is wrong about talking to somebody, johnny? Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 What is wrong about talking to somebody, johnny? Maybe he got cheated on after putting on a similar performance? And she has the right to speak to a male, female, transexual, or a bi sexual alien if she chooses to do so. Next time the azzhat raises a hand to you.... call the police. Document everything.... start stashing some money.... and consult an attorney now! If you don't give a crap about yourself.... at least do the above for your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
bozwa Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Maybe he had it happen him after he beat his wife as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 I said I just wanted to be friends, as I had too much respect for my husband, to do anything with anyone while he wasnt out the door properly yet. not that that means when he is Id jump rite in, as Im not wanting to leave to go straight in to another relationship of any sort. But since he has been back, he has been perfect, I cant bring myself to tell him that I dont know if I can forgive the past enough to move on in life with him Look, I think you have a good head on your shoulders. Get some space from this friend of yours to clear your head. Trust me... if your worth it he will wait. You need to be able to trust that your H will change... forever. Part of that is requiring him to get long term professional treatment. Otherwise can you really trust he wont go back to this behavior again? Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Nope. Are you the product of abuse or just a guy who's been two-timed before therefore thinking he should get up on his moral high-horse to punish this woman for how he's been wronged? I think you missed his overall point. When you go talking s**t about your man, most guys know what that really means. If you want an affiar... find a male shoulder to cry on.... lets be very clear about that. It's just stupid to hear a woman say... "I started talking to this guy and suddenly I have these feelings for him. How did this happen?" I mean really... how dumb can she be? That make more sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Author megame Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 I did try and talk to my mother first, although she was really helpful, I felt like she didnt fully understand, as she had not been through it herself. I had been friends with this guy at work long before I started talking to him about my problems. thanks for all your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
blackbird Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 I agree with this, and johnnyj. Vulnerable women will attract predatory men. They may not seem predatory, and they may not even think of themselves as predatory, but that's what they are. If you're a woman having troubles in your relationship, you may not feel like you have anyone close enough to talk to, or anyone who cares enough to listen, so it's easy to open up to 'the guy at work' that seems to take an interest in you, who makes an effort to talk to you and seems to care about you. This is a trap. You can find a girlfriend to confide in, even if it takes more effort from your end and doesn't come with the flattering ego-stroke and validation of having a guy be interested in you. As long as you are still in a relationship, and you haven't ended it, don't make the opposite-sex friend you 'have feeling for' into your confidante. One thing at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
blackbird Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 By "this" in the above, I meant Cobra's last post. Link to post Share on other sites
johnnyj Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 I think you missed his overall point. When you go talking s**t about your man, most guys know what that really means. If you want an affiar... find a male shoulder to cry on.... lets be very clear about that. It's just stupid to hear a woman say... "I started talking to this guy and suddenly I have these feelings for him. How did this happen?" I mean really... how dumb can she be? That make more sense? Thanks man.. some people just get it, and some don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 I must be getting soft because I actually sympathize with the OP. She doesn't strike me as one of those entitled women who has a great guy but cheats because she is bored and needs to find herself. Her husband beat her while she was holding his baby and beat her on her wedding day. I normally despise cheaters but it understandable how she would respond to a man treating her with the respect that her husband is lacking. I would advise you though to not persue anything until the marriage is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author megame Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 Ok, maybe I should add, that I hate cheating, and have no plans to cheat on my husband, no matter how good or bad he is to me. I have faith in my self, to be smart enough to not get in certain situations, and things like that. I am just finding it hard, with having feeling for someone else. and trying to make an informed decision about my marriage, I have distanced myself from guy at work as much as I can, with working with him and all, but I can not stop thinking about him. I have no plan to let this guy from work know how I feel, and he told me how he feels when I said my husband had left, and I didnt think we would work it out. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 Ok, maybe I should add, that I hate cheating, and have no plans to cheat on my husband, no matter how good or bad he is to me. Yeah this is what I got from your first post too. You said you love your husband and respect your husband. But some people just hear that you're thinking of another man and think you are like someone they know. It's hard to be objective for them I guess, nevermind empathetic. But I know where you're at because I've been there myself. No I never cheated but I was in an abusive situation. And it's very hard to tell your dad that your husband hits you. It makes you feel like a complete failure. In fact, it's kind of hard to tell anyone about it. Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 First and foremost I want to make it clear that I do not agree with how your husband treats you. Talking to family about problems within your marriage does not always work either. They usually never forget and forgive. This is a problem the two of you must work out and if he is not willing to put in the work to keep the marriage then he needs the boot. Be careful!! If hubby is willing to hit you while you are holding the baby there is no telling what he is capable of if he finds out about this coworker. Also keep in mind that while this coworker seems like a knight, the two of you do not share any of the stresses of being married with children (finances, etc..). He is also recently divorced, so no telling what is behind that... Work on you... You need to, you are an abused woman with children.. Your hubby needs help and needs it fast. It is my guess he is not open to suggestions, but he better wake up now. Do not put up with any of his crap! Link to post Share on other sites
Passionate69 Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 I had been friends with this guy at work long before I started talking to him about my problems. yeah sometimes men is the best to cry on a shoulders they have much better understanding than women. been there done that. Link to post Share on other sites
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