Author stampdaddy Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 Man, a pillow is a lousy surrogate woman. Owl is right, you should get out and do things. One thing I found that REALLY helps is lots and lots of physical activity. Maybe join a gym, chop wood, dig a hole, climb a mountain, just make sure it's strenuous, vigorous, and leaves you panting. It will help you get a good night's sleep, and (believe it or not)allow you to think more clearly. I've always been the kind of guy that could go out and wrestle a tornado.... this has me so f***ed up.. Almost crippled at times... And I realize that this is NOT good for ME... I wish for warmer weather so I can get out and play golf..... I am busy with other things, but the thing is, EVERYTHING I do, I think of HER... As it should be when you LOVE someone... I am not a wuss, wimp, or whatever, I am a "man's man", but I AM IN LOVE WITH HER.... anyway, thanks for the support.. we"ll get there... Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 I've always been the kind of guy that could go out and wrestle a tornado.... this has me so f***ed up.. Almost crippled at times... And I realize that this is NOT good for ME... I wish for warmer weather so I can get out and play golf..... I am busy with other things, but the thing is, EVERYTHING I do, I think of HER... As it should be when you LOVE someone... I am not a wuss, wimp, or whatever, I am a "man's man", but I AM IN LOVE WITH HER.... anyway, thanks for the support.. we"ll get there... Hey Stamp, It's summer in half the world. Fly south, take in some sunshine, you'll be amazed how it lifts your spirits. (Golf clubs optional) (hugs) Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedMM Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Stamp- I meant something far more cardiovascular than golf. Something that leaves your heart pounding, makes you sweat. And, while you're doing it, DO think about her. I'm not talking about taking your mind off of it, because I agree, that's impossible right now. Me- I've been digging a large pond. By hand. In the frozen ground. For me, it's therapy. And, in the end, I will have another beautiful pond! But, I'm kinda strange that way, I don't like to 'waste' energy. Humans on a hamster wheel... that never made sense to me when you can get similar results by doing something constructive. That's just me though. My point is strenuous exercise! You wouldn't think it could help so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 I agree with BMM... That's along the lines of what I was referring to as well. Shortly after d-day in my case, I was struggling with the same kind of stress you are. I started going on walks...long ones. I'd cover easily 8-10 miles in just over 2 hours. Started working out again...the heavy bag took all the anger and aggression and stress that I had to offer...much better to do it there than on those that I felt deserved it. Excersise is the best possible 'remedy' there is for stress and depression. Wear yourself out every night before you go to bed...you'll sleep better, your body will handle the stress better, and your mind will clear much faster. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Hey Stamp...you out there man? How is it going in your world? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted February 21, 2008 Author Share Posted February 21, 2008 Hey Stamp...you out there man? How is it going in your world? up and down my friend... Have started to dismantle and am starting to lose some of the things that WE would have needed to make it.. While a sad situation, my chin is up.. It really hurts to start to see someone who you loved so deeply as someone different... Thanks for asking Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 ((((hugs))) Stamp! Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 I've been wondering about you to S.Daddy. Though it's painful at least you know now. No more long days & nights of the unknown. One day at a time.... Hugs 2 U =^-^= Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 So what's going on man? Has NC stuck? Is she still with her H, or what? I'm sorry its so rough for you...have you tried taking a vacation from it all like I'd suggested? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted February 21, 2008 Author Share Posted February 21, 2008 I've been wondering about you to S.Daddy. Though it's painful at least you know now. No more long days & nights of the unknown. One day at a time.... Hugs 2 U =^-^= I can't say that I really know anything.. My heart sure doesnt, although it is getting a little tired of the pain... My mind is starting to figure it all out... She may still be leaving the marriage, but I am afraid of what she might find in me if she shows up... Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted February 21, 2008 Author Share Posted February 21, 2008 So what's going on man? Has NC stuck? Is she still with her H, or what? I'm sorry its so rough for you...have you tried taking a vacation from it all like I'd suggested? No, NC has not stuck, which I know is a huge mistake.. I have written a short letter that is going to say that: Dear MW, I have to move on, WITHOUT YOU. You have helped make me the man i am today, but I am losing myself. I am losing "who" I am amd "who" I want to be. This relationship with YOU is not good for ME anymore. It has become unhealthy for me, for my family, for my career. My family needs me to be a good DAD, and when their dad is lost, so are they. I am a beautiful man, so why should I feel so UGLY. I have become a prisoner in my own life, so I am setting myself free. I am sorry for you, and hope that things work out for you however they may, they just wont be with me... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Send it. Heck, since NC hasn't stuck...copy her H with it too, so that he knows that she's broken NC and can decide what he wants to do with the situation as well. I'm sorry things are so tough on you, friend. I've always said...NO ONE walks away from an affair unscathed. BS, WS, OP...it doesn't matter...everyone walks away with something. I think that YOUR making the choice to move on is the healthiest thing for YOU that you could do! Do you have a support structure to fall back on? Friends, family...hobbies, interests...you get the idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted February 21, 2008 Author Share Posted February 21, 2008 Send it. Heck, since NC hasn't stuck...copy her H with it too, so that he knows that she's broken NC and can decide what he wants to do with the situation as well. I'm sorry things are so tough on you, friend. I've always said...NO ONE walks away from an affair unscathed. BS, WS, OP...it doesn't matter...everyone walks away with something. I think that YOUR making the choice to move on is the healthiest thing for YOU that you could do! Do you have a support structure to fall back on? Friends, family...hobbies, interests...you get the idea. Absolutely I do.. Great friends and family and a house I am working on... WILL get through this.. I wont copy H, he can find stuff on his own if he'd only look.. H still on a daily basis pins her down, but from everything that I have read, they ARE NOT working on anything. No MC, but whatever.. She has started IC, but doesnt really like the guy, and has promised to find a new counselor. She is on a train wreck waiting to happen (and that is NOT what I want). It's almost like she "wants" to get caught again, but what the hell does that do??? It ruins EVERYTHING Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 What you describe doesn't surprise me, although I don't know her personally. Often an affair is a sign of extreme selfishness/self-centeredness...and right now, it sounds like she's headed towards rock bottom. Often the best intervention to help a WS is when they hit rock bottom. Hopefully her H will see that opportunity and use it to help her get her stuff straight and helped. Glad to hear that you're getting your own stuff together man. Seriously...at this point...take care of YOU. Learn from what you've been through, and use it in the future. Keep posting...as long as you feel like its helping you. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Thinking about it, she very well might want to get caught. So that she can use the blowout that she's expecting from her H as an excuse for whatever behavior/action she's got planned after that. Its a common tactic for WS's. Hopefully her H will be smart, and prevent things from getting to that kind of point. She could also be in the beginning of getting addicted to the drama that all this causes. Think about it...its got to be both horribly painful and delisciously wonderful to have two men fighting for her. All at the same time. Some people get addicted to the drama and feelings generated by all that conflict. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted February 21, 2008 Author Share Posted February 21, 2008 Well, I am not smart enough to get all of that figured out, I just know how "I" feel.. And I know how much I have wanted to keep all of this together for "US" but I am losing my grip. All this H has to do is open up the Verizon phone bill... Just the other day, for about 5 hours in the middle of the day, her cell phone was OFF (he tracks her via GPS on her phone, but it doesnt work if the phone is off) So there he is wondering, calling, leaving messages, can't find her, etc... This is just one example of MANY. So to me, I have to wonder..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted February 21, 2008 Author Share Posted February 21, 2008 I just can't figure it out. What does she expect to happen when/if he figures out that there is still daily contact, and he flips his freaking lid and says, 'GET OUT!" He has done it before, but this next time will be the last time.. Where is she gonna land?? Won't be here. It is really sad to me that she can't find the strenght to do ANYTHING on her own.. And quite frankly, I am losing respect by the bucket full every moment or 2... Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 I just can't figure it out. What does she expect to happen when/if he figures out that there is still daily contact, and he flips his freaking lid and says, 'GET OUT!" He has done it before, but this next time will be the last time.. Where is she gonna land?? Won't be here. It is really sad to me that she can't find the strenght to do ANYTHING on her own.. And quite frankly, I am losing respect by the bucket full every moment or 2... Not your problem anymore! Why are you still thinking about this, arent you happy to be away from the madness? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted February 21, 2008 Author Share Posted February 21, 2008 Not your problem anymore! Why are you still thinking about this, arent you happy to be away from the madness? Man, for me, it is MY "divorce" from her.. You just can't flip a switch. I gave myself to "US" and wasn't just some dude having an affair.. (I realize some will say you can't give yourself to someone who is already taken), BUT, I did, and she accepted and I have built my life around us.. Now I am dismantling, and yes, while it hurts, like I said, what hurts most is your view of that person you loved so much changing right before your eyes, and realizing that it's just your VIEW, but the person isn't changing, that is who they were all along, you just didnt see it... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 but the person isn't changing, that is who they were all along, you just didnt see it... And ain't THAT the truest statement you've seen on this board in a long time. Sounds like your eyes are opening, Stamp! You're doing the right thing...and its not surprising its taking time...ESPECIALLY when NC hasn't been enforced. Its like periodically slipping a recovering junkie a little of the drug of their choice...it doesn't wean them off...it just makes the withdrawl and the addiction last that much longer and harder. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted February 21, 2008 Author Share Posted February 21, 2008 And ain't THAT the truest statement you've seen on this board in a long time. Sounds like your eyes are opening, Stamp! You're doing the right thing...and its not surprising its taking time...ESPECIALLY when NC hasn't been enforced. Its like periodically slipping a recovering junkie a little of the drug of their choice...it doesn't wean them off...it just makes the withdrawl and the addiction last that much longer and harder. Well I dont blame her for being adDICKted to my WEAN.. which is much longer and harder.... OH nevermind... Just kidding anyway. I sincerely believe that she want a life with me, but just doesnt know how to get it.. What WILL happen is that she is going to wind up without either of us, mark my words.... Link to post Share on other sites
JMC Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Thinking about it, she very well might want to get caught. So that she can use the blowout that she's expecting from her H as an excuse for whatever behavior/action she's got planned after that. Its a common tactic for WS's. Owl, what do you mean? What behavior/action might she have planned after the blowout from getting caught? My MM used to say he wouldn't mind getting caught sometimes, yet I know he wasn't planning to just out and out tell his W about us. Why do WS prefer the "caught" thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 OK...think about this. Most WS's want to convince themselves that they're "in the right" for doing what they're doing...right? So part of the normal "script" that WS's follow is to really treat their BS like crap. They deliberately provoke confrontations and fights (sometimes by "flaunting" the affair in the BS's face)...in the hope and intent of drawing out the BS into a huge blowout fight. So that the BS looks to them (and even potentially others) to be the REAL cause of the problem. It allows them to say "SEE WHY I CHEATED ON HIM?!?!?! HE'S SO HORRIBLE TO ME I WAS RIGHT FOR WHAT I DID BY GOING OUTSIDE THE MARRIAGE!". Its mental gymnastics to justify to themselves that they're doing the right thing by cheating...they were right all along for cheating, given how the BS is treating them now. And they'll try to use this as an excuse to continue. "Well, if you're just going to scream and yell at me, I'm not going to stay here...I'm going to OM's! At least HE treats me nice and doesn't yell at me!". Its not even deliberate. They don't sit and THINK about it...its just another way that they subconsciously try to set the stage to justify what they're doing. Just like they mentally re-write the history of their marriage, making the BS out to be some horrible, controlling monster the whole time. Does that make anymore sense? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Now I am dismantling, and yes, while it hurts, like I said, what hurts most is your view of that person you loved so much changing right before your eyes, and realizing that it's just your VIEW, but the person isn't changing, that is who they were all along, you just didnt see it... It may not be much comfort now, but there is an upside to that. Once you start seeing them differently and realize it's who they really ARE and you don't like who they are, the healing process is quicker and more complete because you are not actually in love with who they are and never were. And, in my experience, losing respect for someone kills love pretty much quicker than anything. Link to post Share on other sites
JMC Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 That does make sense per se, but geez it seems it'd just be easier to leave the marriage rather than go thru all that. Why do they stay with someone where they'd have to go thru all this crap? Is that the million-dollar question on this forum I guess?! Link to post Share on other sites
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