! I don't like my ring!

[Abstract]

My partner proposed to me during the summer and we are planning our wedding for the end of the year. The problem is my engagement ring, and the fact that I don't like it! Logically I know the important thing is our relationship and our future together, but emotionally I can't seem to move on!

 

Before he asked me I had been dropping hints about what I like and don't like, but had stopped as I never thought it was going to happen. He has been married before and told me he was really anti-marrige.

 

So he secretly bought a ring that I had seen when shopping with my sister. At the time I tried it on I did say I didn't like it, but obviously she didn't hear me cause they went back and bought it together for me!

 

When he proposed he said that he wanted a symbol and wouldn't be upset if I wanted to exhchange it for something else. But he didn't check the return or refund policy in the shop, and as we where away on holiday, the time limit had expired by the time we got home again.

 

At the time I thought I would get used to it, as I thought he had spent a lot of time thinking about it and looking for the right one. He has since told me that he only went to the one shop (very expensive and with a very limited choice), and spent about 10 minutes deciding. So it has now become a symbol of how little time and effort he spent on it, especially as it was the sale of my house that paid for it!

 

I now feel like either cancelling the wedding or spending money on something I like, even though we can't really afford it at the moment. The ring is a half eternity, and I have always had a hankering after a solitaire.

 

If he had spent time thinking about it, I don't think I would be this upset, but the lack of thought and consideration is really playing on my mind.

 

Any advice would be great!

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

I now feel like either cancelling the wedding

 

If you would go so far to consider canceling your wedding, perhaps you should go ahead and do so. Return the ring to him, and call off the wedding. It would not be fair to marry him if you place more importance on how a ring looks over the prospect of your life together.

[amaysngrace]

I agree. You should cancel your wedding. He did put thought and consideration into it by having your sister go with him to get it.

 

If you didn't like it you shouldn't have waited to speak up about it. This way the time wouldn't have expired. You are wrong here too.

 

If he means so much to you him wanting to marry you would be enough to make you happy, all jewelry aside.

[Lyssa]

Cancel your wedding over a ring? I thought getting married is about building a life together with your partner and having more things to look forward to - didn't know a ring matters that much...

[Leoni]

The ring is a half eternity, and I have always had a hankering after a solitaire.

Is there anything to stop you from having it reset in a year or two, when you can afford to buy a loose center stone? You could always have the smaller diamonds set into a pair of earrings.

 

Are you certain this is about the ring? No one could be this superficial, so are there other reasons, maybe even fear of getting married?

[Ronni_W]

Ack! You are in a tough spot.

 

The thing is, you do have to live with this ring for "as long as ye both shall live." And that is a LONG time especially when you do not get all warm and fuzzy thinking about the stoopid thing already.

 

Beg and plead with the store. Accept a credit for less than it cost, provided that BOTH of you feel it is within reason. Rather lose some money now than resent what really ought to be a very special piece of jewelry that you want to proudly display for the rest of your life.

 

You do not need to tell your partner ALL the details of your feelings and frustrations. Just that you'd like to take him up on his offer to exchange it. Maybe even collaborate with your sister, and ask if she is okay if you tell him that she kinda misheard what you said about the ring -- don't blame her but ask if she'd mind if you just said that to him.

 

My feeling is, try to fix the problem you have without getting overly dramatic or hurting his feelings.

 

I disagree with you, though, that he didn't put enough thought and effort into it. From what you posted, he really felt as if he did the very best to ensure that you got the ring you liked.

 

I would just try to see it as honest mistakes by all three of you, and try not to hold it against any one person. (If you had been assertive enough in the store the first time, your sister would not have ended up with her wrong impression that you liked it enough to want it. That's a truth, too.)

 

Good luck -- I really hope the store will show some compassion.

 

EDITED TO ADD: Maybe go to the store by yourself -- be as dramatic as you can be over there -- throw yourself on the floor and cry and carry on and weep how your life is ruined...RUINED! and please, nice store manager can't you help me??? Please, PLEASE???

Edited January 13, 2008 by Ronni_W

[j_hunt_12]

From a poor college student, this makes me sad.... and nervous about engagement

[Abstract]

thanks for the comments guys. I know it sounds superficial, and I also know that rings and massively expensive weddings aren't whats important, but if I've got to wear the thing for the rest of my life, surely to like it is a bit important?

[JCD]

"At the time I thought I would get used to it, as I thought he had spent a lot of time thinking about it and looking for the right one. He has since told me that he only went to the one shop (very expensive and with a very limited choice), and spent about 10 minutes deciding. So it has now become a symbol of how little time and effort he spent on it"

 

This is the crux of the problem. I don't blame you for feeling this way as you want to feel special like any other person would. Another thing, why would he pay for the ring with the sale of your house? That's crazy, any self respecting man would pay for the ring with his own money because his labor shows that he values you. Why would you want to be with such a loser?

[carrotgirl]

thanks for the comments guys. I know it sounds superficial, and I also know that rings and massively expensive weddings aren't whats important, but if I've got to wear the thing for the rest of my life, surely to like it is a bit important?

Abs, for starters, you don't have to wear this ring for the rest of your life. You don't even have to wear a wedding band if you don't want to. Having the ring on your finger won't make you any more or less married after the wedding.

 

On to your perception of this ring as a symbol of a lack of invested time and interest, hey, your guy had the counsel of your sister so he obviously spent time to solicit her input. He saved to buy the ring which you said was from a ritzy shop. He bought and proposed to you with the ring. He even let you know he won't be hurt if you want something else. So what if he didn't agonize when making the purchase? He obviously puts his care and effort into something far more important - YOU!

 

There will be other rings and other gifts of jewelry. You can choose to laugh about this really not funny to you now (but it really will be later) situation or you can fret. What really matters is that your man loves you and wants to make a life together with you.

 

Think about it. If the guy had spent weeks choosing the perfect ring, the time investment would still be nothing when compared to the time investment of the rest of his life. The time is being spent where it counts - on you and your future together. The marriage will last a lifetime.

 

The ring is just a thing.

 

Carrot

[RichC]

Are you sure you are ready for marriage? "I don't like the ring so I may call off the wedding." Sounds like the marriage has a built in land mine already. This does not sound good.

[whichwayisup]

When he proposed he said that he wanted a symbol and wouldn't be upset if I wanted to exhchange it for something else. But he didn't check the return or refund policy in the shop, and as we where away on holiday, the time limit had expired by the time we got home again.

 

Then go back to the place he bought it from, and explain to them how you really don't like the ring and how you two went on holidays, how he made the mistake with the return policy. Never know until you try.

 

Anyway, it's just the engagement ring, isn't the wedding ring the one that's more important? And the actual marriage itself?

 

So it has now become a symbol of how little time and effort he spent on it"

 

So, I guess you don't understand how hard it is for a guy to pick out a ring. Give the guy some slack, here's a man who has been married before, and you thought he wasn't going to ask you as he is anti-marriage. He surprised you and bought a ring! If you can't get the ring exchanged, then buy yourself a ring and put this one away for one of your future children.

 

Please don't let this ruin things. If you are in the mindset that the ring represents how he feels about you, then you should rethink marriage. So many people get wound up for the big day, expect a perfect wedding, the walk down the isle...Sure, that's nice to have a wonderful wedding day, but what counts is the actual marriage, how you two relate to eachother and how you are together as a married couple.

[PerfectLee]

A lot of jewelry stores allow you to trade in or upgrade at one point, I'm not sure what your stores policy is.

 

Before my S.O. proposed I told her that I wanted a solitaire too, just like you. The day she proposed, I was shocked to see that my ring was a solitaire with a bunch of diamonds surrounding it. She said to me, "I know...I know...you love solitaires, but I love the "bling", so I thought...since this isn't your wedding ring, and it's your engagement ring, I wanted to get something that resembles both our taste." I thought it was really sweet, and I've really grown to love this ring a lot! Plus, who can argue with MORE BLING???

 

Can't you just.....try to let it grow on you? Like everyone said here, the ring has nothing to do with the wedding. It's not your wedding ring, and I'm sorry to sound blunt, but I'm shocked that you even considered cancelling your wedding over a ring. There are probably 1,000 reasons to cancel a wedding, and I don't remember seeing "the engagement ring sucks" as a valid reason.

[jerbear]

As a guy who has a ring, I would put the wedding plans on hold if I found out that she didn't like the ring.

 

Calling off the wedding due to a ring, 10 minutes picking it out? Really it is superficial.

 

A guy asking for advice, getting the courage to buy the ring, getting the courage to ask for you hand in marriage; it is kinda rough to hear her say I don't like the ring.

 

BTW the ring is not forever, you can always pass it on to your kids. Also there are other rings that show up during those anniversarys.

 

IMO, If a woman is willing to take a cracker jack box ring; she's a keeper; in my book.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

 

IMO, If a woman is willing to take a cracker jack box ring; she's a keeper; in my book.

 

if you really, really wanted an xbox360 and your girlfriend was going to buy it for you, would you be satisfied with the oldest version nintendo? i mean, it plays games, and it's the thought that counts, right?

 

 

what if you thought you were receiving a great, brand new sony 70 inch plasma tv, and instead you got an RCA, 13 inch tv/vcr combo with rabbit ears?

 

how about pants? what if you wanted a great pair of pants in your favourite colour, let's say black...but your girlfriend loves pink and thinks you should too, even though you hate it... in fact, she thinks you'll look great in them. do you love her enough to wear them every day if she wants you to? are you a selfish bastard if you don't?

 

and still, while these things may be given out of love, none of them is meant to say the big "i love you." people getting married should be able to talk openly about their feelings, and this includes feeling about an expensive purchase, one that the woman receiving it should at least like enough to wear.

 

calling a woman superficial for not loving an engagement ring is pretty harsh, in my opinion. she doesn't like it. she should like her ring, it's her engagement ring. sure, it would be nice if people would be happy with gummi life savers on their fingers, but it doesn't always work that way, and it doesn't make her evil.

 

give her a break.

 

personally, if i spent a bunch of money on something expecting the recipient to love it, i would hope they would be honest with me, because wasting my money and lying to me is hardly the way to say 'i love you.'

[IpAncA]

If you would go so far to consider canceling your wedding, perhaps you should go ahead and do so. Return the ring to him, and call off the wedding. It would not be fair to marry him if you place more importance on how a ring looks over the prospect of your life together.

 

Yeah, I agree.

[Leoni]

While I do believe it's superficial to not enjoy the engagement ring that someone bought for you with love, there are ways to circumvent any dissatisfaction.

 

I designed my ex-H's wedding band with his input and approval, and had it made. It never became a point of contention between the two of us.

[HokeyReligions]

if you really, really wanted an xbox360 and your girlfriend was going to buy it for you, would you be satisfied with the oldest version nintendo? i mean, it plays games, and it's the thought that counts, right?

I have to laugh at this. So many times that I can't count, my husband has bought me 'the next best thing' as a gift. Would I be happy with Nintedo? Sure I would! Like you said, it plays games and if it works - cool! I didn't need it anyway and we would have a blast with it.

 

what if you thought you were receiving a great, brand new sony 70 inch plasma tv, and instead you got an RCA, 13 inch tv/vcr combo with rabbit ears?

Yeah, baby! Those big honkin' plasma TVs will be around a while - but where can you find a VCR nowadays! Some movies aren't even available anymore except on VHS. I could plug some headsets in and hold the tv on my lap and watch in bed without disturbing my husband.

 

how about pants? what if you wanted a great pair of pants in your favourite colour, let's say black...but your girlfriend loves pink and thinks you should too, even though you hate it... in fact, she thinks you'll look great in them. do you love her enough to wear them every day if she wants you to? are you a selfish bastard if you don't?

Bless his heart, my husband has worn some clothes that I've bought him and I know he didn't really like them or feel comfortable in them - but his wearing them showed me how much he really does love me. He bought me a piece of costume jewelry once, a brooch and matching pair of earrings, which went with NOTHING I owned and was so heavy that my ears hurt and whatever I pinned the brooch onto would drag down. I put the earrings on a head-band to wear and pinned he brooch thru my bra strap so I could wear it. I got lots of comments on it too and anyone that was snide about it, I just smirked and said well I love MY husband! It was great. I still have the pieces, though they are rather tarnished and chipped now.

 

and still, while these things may be given out of love, none of them is meant to say the big "i love you." people getting married should be able to talk openly about their feelings, and this includes feeling about an expensive purchase, one that the woman receiving it should at least like enough to wear.

Here I agree. It's about communication and OP you need to really work on that before marriage, because your communication skills will be vital in the years to come. I don't mean tell him you don't like the ring, I mean tell him that you are concerned about how much time he spent choosing it and get to know how your guy thinks. He might not place the same meaning on the time spent as you do. He needs to know how you feel too so that he can understand you in the future.

 

 

calling a woman superficial for not loving an engagement ring is pretty harsh, in my opinion. she doesn't like it. she should like her ring, it's her engagement ring. sure, it would be nice if people would be happy with gummi life savers on their fingers, but it doesn't always work that way, and it doesn't make her evil.

People, women especially, are so much more emotional about the little things when they are planning their weddings. Its so easy to focus on something material and it can become monumental. That's not evil, its human nature. Sure you should like your ring, but also accept that part of the responsibility is yours and that the ring doesn't have to be forever - its the marriage that should be.

 

give her a break.

personally, if i spent a bunch of money on something expecting the recipient to love it, i would hope they would be honest with me, because wasting my money and lying to me is hardly the way to say 'i love you.'

 

I agree.

 

Hubby and I have been together over 25 years. My original ring is somewhere in a jewelry box and I wear the one I designed. I have no guilt over this because I'm happy with it and I know that as long as I am happy - hubby is happy. He doesn't even wear his ring anymore - he's just not comfortable wearing one. We are married - we made a commitment to each other and we work to keep it -- that's what matters.

 

I forgot to add. About 5 years ago Hubby bought me one of those 3-stone diamond necklaces. Its not huge, maybe .75ct overall - if that. I'd hinted for a while that I liked them, but he never bought me one because he didn't think I'd like it if it wasn't huge diamonds. We can't afford huge diamonds - I just like the look and wanted something small that I could wear most of the time. He was amazed at how much I do love that necklace! He still remarks over it when I wear it because he felt a little embarassed about it because he didn't spend a lot of money on it. You just never know how guys think about these things! COMMUNICATION!

Edited January 16, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

If anything, you should be pissed off at your sister because YOU told her you didn't like the ring. Don't be mad too mad at him. I mean, for all you know your sister heard you and told him you loved the ring.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

I have to laugh at this. So many times that I can't count, my husband has bought me 'the next best thing' as a gift. Would I be happy with Nintedo? Sure I would! Like you said, it plays games and if it works - cool! I didn't need it anyway and we would have a blast with it.

 

Yeah, baby! Those big honkin' plasma TVs will be around a while - but where can you find a VCR nowadays! Some movies aren't even available anymore except on VHS. I could plug some headsets in and hold the tv on my lap and watch in bed without disturbing my husband.

 

Bless his heart, my husband has worn some clothes that I've bought him and I know he didn't really like them or feel comfortable in them - but his wearing them showed me how much he really does love me. He bought me a piece of costume jewelry once, a brooch and matching pair of earrings, which went with NOTHING I owned and was so heavy that my ears hurt and whatever I pinned the brooch onto would drag down. I put the earrings on a head-band to wear and pinned he brooch thru my bra strap so I could wear it. I got lots of comments on it too and anyone that was snide about it, I just smirked and said well I love MY husband! It was great. I still have the pieces, though they are rather tarnished and chipped now.

 

Here I agree. It's about communication and OP you need to really work on that before marriage, because your communication skills will be vital in the years to come. I don't mean tell him you don't like the ring, I mean tell him that you are concerned about how much time he spent choosing it and get to know how your guy thinks. He might not place the same meaning on the time spent as you do. He needs to know how you feel too so that he can understand you in the future.

 

 

People, women especially, are so much more emotional about the little things when they are planning their weddings. Its so easy to focus on something material and it can become monumental. That's not evil, its human nature. Sure you should like your ring, but also accept that part of the responsibility is yours and that the ring doesn't have to be forever - its the marriage that should be.

 

give her a break.

 

 

I agree.

 

Hubby and I have been together over 25 years. My original ring is somewhere in a jewelry box and I wear the one I designed. I have no guilt over this because I'm happy with it and I know that as long as I am happy - hubby is happy. He doesn't even wear his ring anymore - he's just not comfortable wearing one. We are married - we made a commitment to each other and we work to keep it -- that's what matters.

 

I forgot to add. About 5 years ago Hubby bought me one of those 3-stone diamond necklaces. Its not huge, maybe .75ct overall - if that. I'd hinted for a while that I liked them, but he never bought me one because he didn't think I'd like it if it wasn't huge diamonds. We can't afford huge diamonds - I just like the look and wanted something small that I could wear most of the time. He was amazed at how much I do love that necklace! He still remarks over it when I wear it because he felt a little embarassed about it because he didn't spend a lot of money on it. You just never know how guys think about these things! COMMUNICATION!

 

 

thank you, for this, i laughed the whole way through it!

[Abstract]

Yes you are all right, I should take responsibility for not making it clear I didn't like the ring, but in my defence, I didn't realise what was going on!

 

Spending loads of money on diamonds is not my thing - especially new diamonds, as most of them come from conflict areas - even when the shop says they don't!

 

So taking into consideration all your comments I have decided to do the following:

 

Firstly I have a lovely saffire ring I never wear - so I'm taking it to my fav jewellers and having it redesigned.

 

Secondly I am going to give the original ring to a charity auction. There is no point keeping it, even for the kids, as I already have a 5 stone ring which belonged to my great-grandmother.

 

Hopefully if I find the right charity it will make a decent amount of money, as selling it privately wont (have you seen how much diamonds go down in price once they have been bought?). And this way I can appease my consience about not liking it, and him spending too much money on it!

 

If anyone knows of any such auctions, please let me know!

[Leoni]

Abstract, that's insulting to your fiance, to give away the ring he purchased for you, even if it's to charity.

 

Can you not incorporate the two rings into one, using the balance of the gold and jewels, to make a wedding band?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I wouldn't suggest giving it away like that. That would be insulting. Maybe you could take it to a jeweler and see what can be done between the two rings you have. They could reallocate the stones, melt the settings and redesign a ring that you might like.

[Ronni_W]

...I have decided to do the following:

Firstly I have a lovely saffire ring I never wear - so I'm taking it to my fav jewellers and having it redesigned.

Secondly I am going to give the original ring to a charity auction.

I assume that you have discussed both of those decisions with your partner and he is totally on-board(?)

If that's the case, they are terrific ideas and you two need to be complimented on arriving at a creative, win-win solution.

 

If you two are not 100% in agreement on this, then...yeah, that's not so great cos it shows lack of empathy and consideration for his feelings and desires.

[ElvenPriestess]

Whoa, hey, give away your ring? Gotta go with a no on this. As was said earlier how about incorporating the two? Doing something so you like it? A ring is merely a symbol of your bond in marriage, and not something to be tossed out to charity. I can only imagine how hurt that guy must be, and would be even more so if he sees it's gone. Think of it from his perspective.