mimijiminy Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 (edited) It's just the overwhelming guilt talking, isn't it? Nothing more? Arrgggh. Edited January 13, 2008 by mimijiminy Link to post Share on other sites
timjones0674 Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 There could be many reasons why your ex bf is talking about you, but one thing remains the same... Anger and Love are VERY similar. The only thing that exists in the absence of love is one thing... Indifference. Meaning, if he didnt like you, then he would not really care, or talk about you at all. So, what do you do at this point? Realize that attraction is only built when he is not around you or interacting with you. Meaning, stop all contact with him, and let him be. Eventually over time his attraction for you will rise and most likely he will come find you at a later time. In the meantime, however, why dont you pick the chin up, put on that hot little outfit, and let those single guys know you are back on the market?? I am sure there are allot of guys out there that would love to put a big smile on that face of yours!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lee725 Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 is he talking to friends about you? what is he saying? There can be many reasons why and it is hard to offer thoughts with so little information in the opening thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimijiminy Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 I must have deleted it while trying to edit... Hi everyone. My background info: my BF dumped me 6 weeks or so ago when his first and only GF before me made a sudden reapperance. He said he needed to see where that went and that is that, in a nutshell. We have had absolutely no contact whatsoever, even though we work together--albeit different offices. But, two days ago the inevitable happened, and I saw him when he was in town for a meeting. It was gut-wrenching, for both of us. He looked so miserable I ALMOST felt sorry for him. We managed to get through both days he was here without saying a direct word to each other, but did "speak" when in group discussions. I held it together rather magnificently, if I say so myself. I was cordial, a little friendly, stand-offish, and professional. And not once did I make an attempt to speak or look at him. I had a breakdown today, but that's another story. The first night, a group of us went out for drinks to discuss the huge news we were dealt in the aforementioned meeting. I did my part, had a drink, and left before anyone else did. Guess what happened right after I left?! He pulled aside the only co-worker of ours who knows about us. Now, it bears mentioning that in the 8 months he and I were together (and during the 3 years we were buddies), not once did her ever speak to her about me, he NEVER even alluded to the fact that she knew about us. He said something along the lines of, not necessarily in this order: "How is she doing? This is horrible. This is very awkward and uncomfortable. I feel like an as$ because I messed (he used another word) it up. She was my best friend, and now I can't even look at her, and it's killing that me I can't talk to her. I shouldn't talk to her, right? Am I playing this right?" (I am not sure what that question means...apparently he asked that a few times to make sure he wasn't doing anything wrong, maybe?). Bonus: he even volunteered that he had only seen the other girl once since we broke up. (I believe him...he's been nothing but honest.) My friend/co-worker basically said, she's not happy, you really screwed her over. She doesn't want to talk to you right now because she has nothing to say. You both knew this outcome was a possibility, and you have to deal with it like two adults. She's dealing with it better than I would ever have. If you want some sort of relationship with her, you need to sort yourself out and talk to her because it's between you two. If you want her back, I don't know what she'd do--it's her decision, but it's unlikely she'll want to deal with your crap again. My friend said if it's any consolation to you, he's suffering just as much and is just as miserable (I highly doubt it). Needless to say, both of us were shocked that he even made an attempt to talk to her. He's intensely private, and has trouble talking about his feelings in general. I am sure that now that they're both back in town, holidays over and all, this thing between them will rekindle rather promptly. I guess my question is: why did he bother spilling his guts to MY friend? I know on some level he wanted it to come back to me, but I already know how sorry he is because he told me over and over and over as we were breaking up that he was making a huge mistake, and that he regretted it already. I also know he doesn't have the guts to come talk to me because he's probably sick with guilt. It's just the overwhelming guilt talking, isn't it? Nothing more? He's always cared for me as a friend, and he's just worried, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimijiminy Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 Hi Lee...I re-posted with the details. My mistake--I'd love to hear your additional thoughts. is he talking to friends about you? what is he saying? There can be many reasons why and it is hard to offer thoughts with so little information in the opening thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimijiminy Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 Hi timjones...I added the rest of the post which disappeared somehow. Can you take another look, please? Any insight greatly appreciated... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimijiminy Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 Lee...thanks for your response. I added the details. Thanks again for any input/advice. Link to post Share on other sites
timjones0674 Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 Yes I suspect he probably wants you back, but you would be a complete idiot if you took him up on that. Meaning, I understand the emotions involved, but do you honestly believe that there is not another guy out there that will make your toes curl?? I highly doubt that... Instead of focusing on this "Im going to regret this" guy... While not give the other great guys out there a chance to show you how special you are?? Chances are if you go out and get a gym membership, spend a little time getting you some really hot workout outfits, that guys would be falling all over themselves to get to know you. From there just pick and choose who you want... See my point?? Realize the obvious which is that you are one hot ticket, and your ex really messed up by letting you go. Now he is the one who will have to live with that regret for the rest of his life.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lee725 Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 I guess my question is: why did he bother spilling his guts to MY friend? I know on some level he wanted it to come back to me, but I already know how sorry he is because he told me over and over and over as we were breaking up that he was making a huge mistake, and that he regretted it already. I also know he doesn't have the guts to come talk to me because he's probably sick with guilt. It's just the overwhelming guilt talking, isn't it? Nothing more? He's always cared for me as a friend, and he's just worried, I guess. You said in the begining that he went back to his EX (first GF) because he wanted to see where that would go. At the same time he said that breaking up with you was a huge mistake. i see 2 things here: 1) you were a rebound. The first relationship was over so he found comfort with you. Albeit in a "private" relationship. 2) he told you that it was a mistake to break up because he wanted to see if you would wait around for him if it did not work out again with the EX (now current GF again). His EX was his first serious GF, just like my ex. They broke up, he rebounds on you, but when the original GF comes sniffing around again, they go back. Often the first true love is the hardest to break free from, seen this with my EX recently. I would not go there if i was paid too, untill they are completely over the 1st one it is such a big risk. Of course he wants this information to come back to you. The evidence is in "opening" up to the single mutual friend you have, therefore almost assuring the information will be passed. He is doing this to ensure to a degree you are kept in the loop, almost probably so he hopes you wont move on, just in case he fails again with the first GF. It is worth the sacrifice of his privacy to ensure that you are there in case of failure. (gosh i hope this makes sense). He is going to keep you around as long as you let him. If it was meant to work with him you would still be there and he most certainly would not have gone back to an already failed relationship. In terms of that relationship it will run it's course, but dont be there as his back up when it does. These are just my thoughts hun, some of the stuff you are saying sounds pretty familiar tho. These are not words of guilt from him they are words of manipulation, if he felt that strongly for you he would act on it and be there with you now. Preserve yourself stay NC, move on, you know the drill. Good luck Hun, keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimijiminy Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 Hey Lee. Yes, you do make sense. Thanks! How gobsmacked would you be if I told you they broke up 8 years ago?! So, the rebound theory may have found a new height... Link to post Share on other sites
PinkRibbon Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 There could be many reasons why your ex bf is talking about you, but one thing remains the same... Anger and Love are VERY similar. The only thing that exists in the absence of love is one thing... Indifference. Meaning, if he didnt like you, then he would not really care, or talk about you at all. So, what do you do at this point? Realize that attraction is only built when he is not around you or interacting with you. Meaning, stop all contact with him, and let him be. Eventually over time his attraction for you will rise and most likely he will come find you at a later time. In the meantime, however, why dont you pick the chin up, put on that hot little outfit, and let those single guys know you are back on the market?? I am sure there are allot of guys out there that would love to put a big smile on that face of yours!! Ok I am really liking the way you think! Link to post Share on other sites
Lee725 Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 Hey Lee. Yes, you do make sense. Thanks! How gobsmacked would you be if I told you they broke up 8 years ago?! So, the rebound theory may have found a new height... well there you go. Another way to look at it is i have a friend who is getting married in 8 weeks. Her BF of almost 8 years ago is still able to influence her decisions re: the wedding now. I wont go into it because it is not my story to tell, but in that respect it is bizzare isnt it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimijiminy Posted January 15, 2008 Author Share Posted January 15, 2008 Any more advice from you guys out there?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimijiminy Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 So, here's an update. He has decided to talk me. We're being friendly. And I am confused as all hell seeing I still have intense feelings for him (it has been two months since the break up). The first two one-one-one conversations we had were purely on an intellectual level. But it was peppered with interesting bits of information like how he isn't sleeping, and how he has been hanging out with GUY friends alot, and how's he's "hanging in there". Then, it got somewhat personal...he was teasing me, asking about my trips and after my family...putting his hand on my lower back when he passed by (granted, when this last thing happened we were at a bar celebrating a co-worker's birthday). But who DOES that to an ex gf?! And the biggest update of all: he got a job offer where I live, and is considering moving for it. HUGE shock to me. I am trying to keep it together. And being calm, cool and approachable but not too friendly. Obviously, there are many more details involved. Many of you will say, "just ask him". I can't do that right now because I'm afraid of what the answer might be. So I am asking all of you for your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
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