Money Woes

[TMichaels]

But did I mention how upset he got when I sent him a text saying "Give me a call when you've got some time freed up we need to talk." And then when he told me he had a lot to finish and I was trying to be mature enough to say- okay it can wait until later then he pretty much attacked me with "why do you always do that?" "do what?" "say we need to talk like it's something serious."

 

Yes, you did mention this earlier, and that's exactly what I am talking about when I say that he seems to treat your concerns as silly.

 

Perhaps at the ripe old age of 35, they do seem trivial to him. But, they ARE valid and worrying to you.

Your happiness should concern him if he truly loves you, but from what you've described, his reaction to your issues is often condescending and dismissive.

 

Gee. Wonder why that makes you get defensive? He doesn't leave you much room when he acts like that does he?

 

You have two choices, constantly feel like your issues aren't being validated, or sacrifice your own angst and agree with him that he's superior and you're just a little kid.

 

Did you notice either way, he wins -- or should I say, YOU lose?

 

If I were you, I also would be troubled by his, (rather immature, BTW), remark that if you don't want to move in with him, there are plenty of other women out there dying to do so.

 

That's what I was talking about when I said that it will be interesting to see what he does if you decide to take charge of your life.

 

My guess is at some point in time when he realizes you are serious about getting your life in order, the subject of him sending you money will also rear its ugly head, in the form of trying to make you feel guilty or beholden to him.

 

I realize that there always are two sides of a story, and we've only gotten one of them on this forum, so realize that any advice you get is rather biased and there may be other issues that are relevant no one here has been privy to.

 

However, if I were you I would have serious concerns about the level of control your b/f seems to want or feels entitled to exert over you.

 

I think you may realize this on a gut level, and that's why you are so frustrated with him and hurt when he doesn't listen and validate your concerns or complaints.

 

But remember, it takes two to tango...

 

I think you need to step back and assess whether his supposed need to control and your need to be looked after (on some levels) wasn't a big reason for the attraction between you two in the first place.

 

If it is, then you might want to reconsider the relationship, or at the very least take it reeeaaal slow.

 

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with looking out for your partner and/or wanting to feel like your partner has your back.

 

However, there has to be a balance, and each has to be comfortable with the relationship.

 

Right now there is no balance between you two, and it sounds like both of you are thrashing around trying to act out a role, instead of "to just be."

 

I hope this all works out for you, but remember, you're in charge of your own destiny, regardless of how ill-prepared anyone else tries to make you out to be.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[mylovegrowsdeeper]

Since it's already perfectly clear that talking tends to leave meaning lost in translation with us..here is my next approach.

 

On paper I've written out the three major issues in this format : Fact : "what is really being done/said" Opinion: "How what's being done or said ends up making me feel and/or is translated to me (How I hear it), and resolution : what he can do to meet my needs in this area.

 

I didn't use specific fights, just specific things that happened. I wrote a cover letter too- explaining that I love him and care for him deeply, and that I believe we have poor communication- that's why I wrote this- that I'm willing to change too- and anything I can do help meet his communication needs I am ready and open for. I said I know I'm not perfect either and I know I contribute to my fair share- so please let me know what I'm doing so I can work on changing it and bringing it to a stop. I said this was about the enrichening of our relationship, it's not an ultimatem. I've just worked 16 hours and am dead beat, so the way I describe it here isn't as affectionate or effective as the way I have it down.

 

However, I am 110 percent satisfied with the choice I made. I think it's a loving approach that sticks to the points and shows a plan of action, doesn't just attack and take aim at someone. It's written to show that I'm doing this out of care and love and an earnest genuine desire to make our relationship better and work THROUGH our problems, not just hit the door.

 

I've done a lot of examining of myself, and I've seen a lot of the mistakes I made which were conducive to our off balance relationship. No, what initially attracted me to him wasn't the whole father figure complex.

 

To be honest, I've been taking care of everybody else for so long that this year when I'm finally free of that and able to focus on me- I tell you what- I **** my pants. I didn't know how to do it, in many senses. However, I am trying to work on that now. I have been making a lot of decisions lately on my own, that are my own decision, and me standing up for myself and/or bettering myself without his help. He actually has responded positively to that. Says he's proud of me and such.

 

I think he took the money away because he realized what an imbalance it was beginning to create. Not just in the money arena but in everything- by having him take care of some of my basic needs that I should of very well done myself- I put myself in the child seat and him in the authoritian seat. I trully believe he realizes this before me and he was trying to put a stop to it. This belief is confirmed by him saying "I love you but by giving you money for things when it wasn't trully an emergency just things you want to go out and by it was getting me too involved." I now see what he means.

 

I think he hasn't realized the way he comes across and makes me feel when he does things like talk over me, etc etc etc. That's why it's important I did what I did- so now he would know. Nobody is perfect, sometimes people with the biggest most loving hearts can do things they aren't aware of.

 

So I think right now the two things we have to work on in our relationship- is improving our communication- and getting our roles back to a healty state.

 

I think the more I take care of things myself that I SHOULD be doing the more that will help shift the balance back.

Edited January 22, 2008 by mylovegrowsdeeper
P.s- PLEASE forgive all the spelling and grammar errors..I'm going to go crash now before I start work again.