SweetPea0942 Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 Well I'm 19 and my boyfriends 21, and he likes to go out to bars a lot with his friends. He went out to a bar the other night and I was fine with it, but then the next day when we were supposed to hang out, he ended up leaving me and going to a bar with his friends again. We were visiting a friend at college for his 21st birthday and I guess they wanted to go out to bars for a little bit to celebrate, but I was still kinda upset because I felt like he ditched me, and he had just went out to a bar the night before. He didnt come back til like 1:30 in the morning when he said he'd be back by midnight, so I was a little mad when he got home. I ignored him and went right to bed, and he blew up at me in front of everyone. He called me a bitch, a slut, said that I cheated on him every weekend, and told me that I should f*cking die. I know he was drunk and he tends to have an explosive temper but I felt that he took it a little too far, and it especially upset me that he humiliated me in front of everyone when I didnt even do anything wrong. This wasn't the first time he's yelled at me at parties with other people around, its something that happens quite often when he's drunk. Should I forgive him for that? I don't know if I'm over reacting or not... That's not it though. I found out that when he went out to the bar the night before he was dancing with this girl he knew from highschool. It kind of made me a little upset but I didnt think that much of it, but then I noticed the next day he facebooked her. He left her a message saying he had a lot of fun and that they should definately do it again sometime. Is that considered to be cheating? I know it wasn't "physical contact" but I believe in emotional cheating, and it really upset me... I think I was a little more upset about it than usual because he's done things in the past that make it hard for me to trust him. When he turned 21 he went out to bars for 2 weeks straight and ignored me the entire time, never wanting to hang out with me at all, which I thought was suspicious. We broke up over it but ended up getting back together after, because he came back to me and said he would change. Before that I found out on facebook that he was talking to these girls that he didnt even know, telling them how hott they were and giving them his phone number and screen name (one of them was his Ex-girlfriend) and that also made me really upset. He also lies a lot about things, because he thinks if he tells me certain things I'll get mad...but he lies so much that he's beginning to even lie about things that I already know, and he knows that I know but he still completely denies it anyways. I love him a lot, we've been together for almost 3 years... and he says he wants to marry me and that the other girls don't mean anything to him and he says that I'm crazy for being upset over it...but I don't know if I'll be able to trust him after this. I found no real evidence that he's physically cheated on me, but I cant help but feel like he would if he got the chance. Is this behavior acceptable? I just don't know anymore because he always tells me I'm just being overly jealous and insecure... Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 He is definitely crossing the boundary for what is considered not acceptable in a relationship, plus he is treating you like dirt. Sounds like he has a drinking problem to go with that as well. Doesn't sound like he is going to stop with that kind of lifestyle anytime soon, especially since you are not old enough to go to the bar. I wouldn't put up with it. You should tell him how you feel, but I have a feeling he is going to stick to what he is doing. He has some growing up to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetPea0942 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 I told him how I feel and he completely disregards everything I say, telling me that I'm the immature one for getting mad over something so stupid. He's really stubborn and it seems like if I tell him I don't like what he's doing he'll want to do it even more, because he doesn't like being told what to do. I worry about him drinking because once he starts he doesn't know when to stop, and he drinks at least once a week. I think he might have a drinking problem too... I thought he might change once he gets this whole drinking at bars thing out of his system because he just turned 21 and all... but I'm beginning to think that his drinking is more important to him than me. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 I told him how I feel and he completely disregards everything I say, telling me that I'm the immature one for getting mad over something so stupid. He's really stubborn and it seems like if I tell him I don't like what he's doing he'll want to do it even more, because he doesn't like being told what to do. I worry about him drinking because once he starts he doesn't know when to stop, and he drinks at least once a week. I think he might have a drinking problem too... I thought he might change once he gets this whole drinking at bars thing out of his system because he just turned 21 and all... but I'm beginning to think that his drinking is more important to him than me. Now that he is 21, he probably will be going to bars alot, so you can deal with it or get out of there. If I were you, I would split. He has some growing up to do and he needs to learn to honor and respect the relationship that he has with you. Almost guaranteed that he tells these girls that he is single. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetPea0942 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 Now that he is 21, he probably will be going to bars alot, so you can deal with it or get out of there. If I were you, I would split. He has some growing up to do and he needs to learn to honor and respect the relationship that he has with you. Almost guaranteed that he tells these girls that he is single. I have a feeling he tells them that too, I just have trouble admitting that to myself. I think he feels like he can say and do whatever he wants because in the past when he's done things like that I always forgive him for it, but this was the last straw. It's happened way too many times, and you're right he needs to grow up before he can be in any kind of relationship. You pretty much confirmed everything I was thinking, I just needed to hear it from someone else. I mean my friends dont think I should be with him at all, but then his friends totally stick up for him and say that I'm over reacting about everything... so I needed an unbiased opinion. Thank you =] lol Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 I have a feeling he tells them that too, I just have trouble admitting that to myself. I think he feels like he can say and do whatever he wants because in the past when he's done things like that I always forgive him for it, but this was the last straw. It's happened way too many times, and you're right he needs to grow up before he can be in any kind of relationship. You pretty much confirmed everything I was thinking, I just needed to hear it from someone else. I mean my friends dont think I should be with him at all, but then his friends totally stick up for him and say that I'm over reacting about everything... so I needed an unbiased opinion. Thank you =] lol Yup. He is having his cake and eating it too. I know that after three years a break-up will be a hard thing to accomplish but for your sake it has to be done. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetPea0942 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 He's always taken me for granted, and that needs to stop. I need to have more respect for myself and I realize that now. I just don't really know how to go about this whole breaking up thing. I broke up with him, but he still calls me and messages me online all the time, and he still tells me he loves me. I've made it clear that I'm not with him anymore, but I feel like if we keep talking on a daily basis I'll never move on. I can't just erase him completely out of my life either though, and I still want to be friends in some kind of way. He was my first long term relationship so I don't really know how to deal with getting out of it. Would it be best if I stopped talking to him completely for awhile? Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 He's always taken me for granted, and that needs to stop. I need to have more respect for myself and I realize that now. I just don't really know how to go about this whole breaking up thing. I broke up with him, but he still calls me and messages me online all the time, and he still tells me he loves me. I've made it clear that I'm not with him anymore, but I feel like if we keep talking on a daily basis I'll never move on. I can't just erase him completely out of my life either though, and I still want to be friends in some kind of way. He was my first long term relationship so I don't really know how to deal with getting out of it. Would it be best if I stopped talking to him completely for awhile? Thats a definite yes. First loves are always the hardest to get over. You may be able to remain friends with him, but that won't be possible until you are over him, so until then, do what you can to not talk to him at all. This means phone calls, emails, IM's, etc. I know that it will be hard but you have to do this. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 He's always taken me for granted, and that needs to stop. I need to have more respect for myself and I realize that now. This guy is right on the border of bieng emotionally abusive! He doesnt respect you... and he thinks that he can control you by beating down your self esteem. Can you cut him completely out of your life for a month? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetPea0942 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Share Posted January 15, 2008 He's not like that all the time though. He can be the sweetest guy in the world, telling me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that I'm so special to him. He's always helped me out whenever I needed anything and made me feel like he'd always be there for me no matter what. That's what makes it so confusing to me...how can he say all those things to me and then do a complete 360 from that and treat me like complete dirt? How can he say he wants to marry me but then show interest towards other girls? It doesn't make sence. I really do want to get him out of my life at least for a little while, but it's sooo hard. When he calls and I don't answer he'll keep calling over and over until I finally give in and pick up. A big part of it is my fault because even though I'm the one breaking up with him, I still feel like I need him. It sounds weak but it's true. I can't go an entire day without having any contact with him because it's what I've been doing for the past 3 years of my life and I'm so used to it. And I still love him. The thought of him being with another girl kills me too. I want to get away from him and move on but I'm afraid that I'll never get over him, and he'll move on before me and find someone else...and I'll be devastated. Any advice on getting him off my mind? Even when I try to go out with other people he's all I think about. This is like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. Maybe I need counselling or something...? I probably sound rediculous, but this is has to be the most painful decision I've ever made in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
ahah2322 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 wow sweatpea, it intriuges me how you can be with this emotionally-abusive bf of yours for 3 years. i know that he can be the 'sweetest guy on earth' but for me, once someone pull that crap on me, even once, i'm out of there. you shouldn't let yourself be treated like that. men will treat a girl with respect if she has self-respect and boundaries. don't let him treat you like that anymore. i know you love him, but can you envision yourself being happily married to him? if not, please move on. such immature and abusive behavious cannot be tolerated. if not, it will be a slippery slope to more abuse. you don't want that, do you? take care, girl. Link to post Share on other sites
PerfectXPretty Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Take it one day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I met my abusive ex husband when I was 19. He sounds like your guy, right down to the whole "you are over-reacting," his name calling, and his superior, elitist attitude. So, he can do anything he wants, right? And you are wrong to call him on it? That's crap, and you know it. Don't let his temporary sweet nature sway you. Abusers do that so you don't know which way is up. You think he is a nice guy who sometime "slips" into being an a##hole. Wrong. He's an a##hole who is sometimes nice. Start thinking about it like that instead. Please do some research online about abusive men. You will see him in those descriptions, as well as yourself as the co-dependent who allows it. I wish someone had told me this when I was at your stage. Don't wait for things to get better. That's how you will stay for years and years. Understand it will never get better, only worse. It's a cycle of abuse. Things are great, abuse happens, things are great, abuse happens....on and on FOREVER until the abuse becomes the norm...and you can't get out because your loss of self-esteem has dealt a fatal blow to your judgment. Remember, all abusive men are charming in the beginning. No woman would knowingly get involved with one. Get out. Don't overthink it. Just cut off all communication for one month, as Riddler suggested. You can do that. By then, you will be free of his hold and see things much clearer. Also avoid all his friends and any mutual friends who still see him. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 He's an abusive, dishonest *********. And based on the displays of bad temper you described when he's drunk, I wouldn't be at all surprised if, one day, he takes a swing at you. The real question you have to ask yourself is, are you planning on being around to receive that swing when it comes? Cut your losses now and dump his abusive ass. Link to post Share on other sites
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