FYS Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 First off, my name is Jake, and I'm 24. My girlfriend and I have dated once before, for almost a year. She's a wonderful woman, and I love her dearly. But since we got back together, she has befriended the woman I was dating before her. I didn't like this idea from the start, and I told both of them I didn't like it. They ignored me completely even though I told them I thought it would cause problems. My ex and I got into a fight about it, and her and I no longer talk. But her and my girlfriend are the best of friends now, and I can't help but be jealous. My girlfriend and I live a couple of hours apart, which wasn't a problem the last time we dated... But this time, I get jealous every time she goes out (usually with my ex) and it's putting a huge strain on our relationship. I don't want to lose her, nor do I want to hurt her, but that's just what I'm doing. She lied to me at one point, to keep me from knowing that she was going to stay at my exes house. That made me suspect that she's cheating on me with my ex (they are both bisexual). I have trust issues already, and she WAS just about the only person I felt I could really trust. Now I hardly believe anything she tells me. How can I solve this? What can I do? Should I just break up with her to spare her? I'm so confused. Thanks, Jake Link to post Share on other sites
megame Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 Can I ask, what are you jealous of?????????? Link to post Share on other sites
Author FYS Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 That's part of the problem, I'm not really sure. Maybe jealous of the fact that someone else gets to spend all the time with her that I should be spending with her? Link to post Share on other sites
megame Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 are you worried they may talk about you? and somethings going to come out? Do you still have feeling for your ex? My husband is very jealous, and I have lied to him once about where I was, I was doing nothing wrong, I just didnt want to deal with the **** id cop for it. I really dont underestand why you are jealous, but have you spoken to her about the time they spend together? maybe try to do more with her????????? Link to post Share on other sites
jorel77 Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 Jake, Tell her that this is a knife in your heart, just as you explained here. Also, tell her that jealousy is an emotion that stems from the fear of losing love. This is as open as you can get. If she doesn't respond, leave her. Link to post Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 I could understand the jealousy if she was hanging out with her OWN ex. But this is a very different thing. Is it that knowing your girlfriend is friends could mean the ex will in someway be in your life too? Rather you want that or not? Anybody who is good friends with your g/f will probably be around you at some point. Is that perhaps the problem? I could see you being uncomfortable, as it is an awkward situation. And your g/f should be able to understand that too. So just let her know. But jealousy I still don't get with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FYS Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 are you worried they may talk about you? and somethings going to come out? Do you still have feeling for your ex? My husband is very jealous, and I have lied to him once about where I was, I was doing nothing wrong, I just didnt want to deal with the **** id cop for it. I really dont underestand why you are jealous, but have you spoken to her about the time they spend together? maybe try to do more with her????????? I've hid nothing from either of them to worry about it coming out. I'm always very open in my relationships. I have no feelings for my ex (not good ones, anyhow). I can't really do more with her, as we live 2 hours away, and I can't afford to get there very often. She doesn't drive, so she can only come see me if she gets a ride (from my ex) or rides a Greyhound (Which costs more than the gas for me to get there and back). Link to post Share on other sites
Author FYS Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 Jake, Tell her that this is a knife in your heart, just as you explained here. Also, tell her that jealousy is an emotion that stems from the fear of losing love. This is as open as you can get. If she doesn't respond, leave her. I have told her... Actually... I linked her to this thread and she read it. She tells me that she's not lying, and that she's never, and never would cheat on me. But since she's lied to me, it's hard to trust what she says. Link to post Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 And that's something that SHE has to work on. Gaining back your trust. She needs to put forth 110% as she's the one that lied. Has she responded to the fact that you want that friendship to end as you aren't comfortable with it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author FYS Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 I could understand the jealousy if she was hanging out with her OWN ex. But this is a very different thing. Is it that knowing your girlfriend is friends could mean the ex will in someway be in your life too? Rather you want that or not? Anybody who is good friends with your g/f will probably be around you at some point. Is that perhaps the problem? I could see you being uncomfortable, as it is an awkward situation. And your g/f should be able to understand that too. So just let her know. But jealousy I still don't get with this. I don't like them hanging out... My girlfriend is a good woman, and my ex isn't. She's a bad influence on her, and I already see it coming through in my girlfriends attitude. She's starting to act like my ex, and that's horrible. I'm jealous simply because someone else (whom I don't like at all) is getting most of her attention. We talk online and over the phone, and when she's out with my ex (or anyone else) I can't talk to her. She doesn't have a cell phone. And since she's started hanging out with my ex, she's rarely home. When she lied to me, it was because she was staying the night at my exes. (they are both bisexual, as I mentioned) I can't help but feel neglected. The fact that they both ignored how I felt about them being friends, when I told them how I felt before they were really even friends hurts. And neither of them really seem to understand why I'm upset about it. I'm really at my wits end here... I don't know if I should just give up, or if it can be saved. Always and all ways, Jake Link to post Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 This can only be saved, in my opinion, if she sees that she's damaging you and the relationship over YOUR ex, and chooses to put the relationship ahead of her own selfishness. She has to be willing to do this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FYS Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 This can only be saved, in my opinion, if she sees that she's damaging you and the relationship over YOUR ex, and chooses to put the relationship ahead of her own selfishness. She has to be willing to do this. I'm being accused of being selfish though... Because I foresaw problems, and told them that I'd rather them not be friends... Does that make me selfish? I mean... She lied to me, which is one of the exact problems I foresaw, I even told her I figured that'd happen. Also, an addition to the "staying the night at her house" thing: Being they are both bisexual, wouldn't that be the same as me going to stay the night at a female friends house? I'm sure there would be an endless argument if I did that and then lied to her about where I was. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FYS Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 I even tried befriending one of her exes, to see what would happen, and realized that was the complete wrong approach. Very childish. So I stopped. Link to post Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 I don't think you're being selfish. She's some one in your past who you don't want interfering in your present relationship. And your g/f should understand that. Would she like you staying the night at a females house? Of course not. Is it the same? I think it is, as the sexual attraction is there, them being bi-sexual. So maybe you should ask her how'd she feel if you slept at another girl's house? If she says it's ok, she's lying. Because it's not. YOU are not selfish here. You have asked for little, and gotten no understanding. Why is she so bent on keeping this friendship? That she would risk losing her b/f? Link to post Share on other sites
Author FYS Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 (edited) I really don't know why she's so dedicated to the friendship... I know she doesn't have many good friends anymore, but I'd give up almost any of my friends (save for those I've known for years and years) if that's what it took to make it work, and she knows this. I did ask her how she'd feel if I was to stay at a females house, and she just beat around the bush until the subject changed. Which happens more often than not with subjects such as this. She manages to evade things with an almost magical ease. It drives me insane, usually. Because I can get distracted and forget the subject until the second the phone is hung up, or she signs off. In person is the same, and she does this multiple times. As I said, I really don't want to lose her, but things are pointing to the fact that she'd rather have a friendship with my ex than a relationship with me. I feel guilty making her choose. It doesn't seem right, but that's what's going to have to happen, I think. But that will just bring about the trust issues, and when she says she's not hanging out with her anymore, I won't believe her. She's managed to wedge me really tight between a rock and a hard place, and I hate it. It seems like a lose/lose for me. Also: She's always bringing up things that she doesn't like that I do to make a comparison... Like she'll bring up the fact that I go to the bar a couple of times a week to compare with the fact that she's staying the night with my ex... Edited January 14, 2008 by FYS Additions. Link to post Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 Ok, the two aren't comparable. That isn't fair, and makes no sense. She is putting you in a tough spot. From your last post I'd say there's a huge communicating problem. And the fact that she evaded your question is an answer in itself. She knows she's being hypocritical or she'd have answered you directly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FYS Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 So what should I do? I mean, I know there is no easy answer that an outside party can give... But I'm at a loss. Link to post Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 It'll be hard, but I've done it, you HAVE to put your foot down. You are suffering over something that should not be. And you have to stand your ground with this. She's an ex. She's your g/f. If I may say she's acting childish about the whole thing. Tell her where you stand, ask her what she is willing to do about it for the sake of the relationship and your comfort. You have to stand your ground, otherwise you'll fall in pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FYS Posted January 14, 2008 Author Share Posted January 14, 2008 I'll talk to her tonight, I think. I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks a lot for the help, you are the only person that's been able to give me worthwhile advice. Always and all ways, Jake Link to post Share on other sites
Author FYS Posted January 15, 2008 Author Share Posted January 15, 2008 Well, I talked to her... And she chose my ex over me. I suppose it's her loss, then. Thanks for all of your help, folks. Always and all ways, Jake Link to post Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Well now you know, that you were waisting your time on some one who didn't care enough about you. I'll bet you're relieved to at least know the scoop now huh? Link to post Share on other sites
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