Engagement Process

[PerfectLee]

I've never been engaged, we dated for 3 years and she proposed. (I'm gay, by the way) I don't know the 1st thing about how I'm supposed to do this. We're both Catholic & we live in California.

 

We're just so excited about everything. We both know who our best man/bridesmaids will be, we know we want a ceremony either on a beach or in a church, we're both having separate bachorlette parties and we want to marry in exactly one year from now.

 

I know I'm speaking as if I'm heterosexual...and if you knew me, you'd know that being gay is "normal" for me. I wish we could marry like straight people do, but I know that won't be a reality for us. Websites & magazines won't help me. Pastors & word of mouth aren't helping either.

 

Do you guys know anyone who went through this or could give me advice on where to start? Thanks in advance.

[Nevermind]

http://gaylife.about.com/od/samesexmarriage/a/ceremony.htm

 

But many of the heterosexual brides magazines focus on the wedding party part, and this should not be so different. After all, it is just a festive party. Some students I know got married in a civil ceremony, and after that everybody went to a restaurant and they had a little party.

 

Congratulations! I wish you lots of happiness and a great life together.

[Pirouette]

Perhaps it's different in the good ol' U S of A, but as far as I was aware, gay people get married the same way straight people do here where I live in Toronto.

 

If you can afford it, I think a wedding planner would really help out and I'm sure that they can provide different levels of service tailored to your budget. They know the ropes and I would like to think that anyone's money is as good as anyone else's.

 

As for bachelorette parties, your wedding party is supposed to handle that and sort of "surprise" you with a night of fun. So that's one less responsibility for you. And actually, you can lean on your wedding party for help through the whole process as that is what they are there for.

 

The key to a good wedding is organization and more organization. Have a binder and an Excel list and document everything! And take it in small steps; thinking about the whole process will overwhelm you. Think about where you want the ceremony and on what date, then research how to get that location. Think about where you want the reception, make a list of places, check out the dates and prices, and etc. Break it down to manageable pieces.

 

My boyfriend's aunts got married a few years ago, in a courthouse and then had a small reception. It wasn't fancy, but it was there own. I hope you can have the wedding you've always wanted too.

 

Oh and Congrats!

[Ronni_W]

I wish we could marry like straight people do, but I know that won't be a reality for us. Websites & magazines won't help me. Pastors & word of mouth aren't helping either.

...advice on where to start?

Congrats on your engagement! Wishing you both a long and happy life together.

 

I would say that you have "started" by getting engaged and setting your wedding date (so) I'm not really clear on what "help and advice" you feel straight couples have access to that you do not(?)

[PerfectLee]

Thank you so much for the site...it's very thorough Nevermind.

 

Thank you Pirouette, like I said, I've never done this before (and I'm planning on only being married once lol) and it's nice to know I can still have my dream wedding.

 

Ronni_W, I was asking for help and advice because a lot of my friends are straight and whenever I asked them questions, many responses would sound like "Well...I don't know...you're gay, so I don't think you can do that." I'm hiring a wedding planner to help me with connections on finding a good church and priest along with other things.

[Ronni_W]

...a lot of my friends are straight and whenever I asked them questions, many responses would sound like "Well...I don't know...you're gay, so I don't think you can do that."

Maybe you need some new straight friends??? Goodness sake, we straight people are just NOT THAT special!

 

(I do know the issues many organized religions have with gay marriage but one would hope that "friends" will at least help you try to find what you want rather than tell you what they think you can't get. Grrr .)

 

I'm glad you have the wedding planner to help make your day everything you want it to be. I hope you find the *perfect* venue and minister.

[PerfectLee]

Thanks Ronni. I asked if I could still be walked down the aisle by my father and one of my friends (not in the bridesmaid party) said "I don't think you can do that, you have to have a civil union and that's just a ceremony" So...with that discouraging statement I thought to myself "Look...I found the person of my dreams and we deserve a wedding of tradition and personal vows. My father WILL walk me down the aisle!"

 

Many people might not agree, but I didn't choose to be gay, and I'm still a great person inside regardless of who I sleep with. As a little girl, I drempt of marrying a girl with all the traditional trimmings of a wedding. I really don't see what the big deal is. So I'm gay...does that mean I deserve to stand and marry my GF in 5 minutes with a pastor who is okay with civil unions with no walking down the aisle and no flowers and no bridesmaids?

[Nevermind]

Even if you should not find a priest (as I think the catholic church opposes to this and strictly forbids their priests to do it), there is no reason why your father shouldn't walk you down the aisle.

 

Actually, if you're not going to be married in a church, see it as a chance not as bad thing. You can have the most wonderful and special wedding in unusual places. If you're going for a winter wedding...it's harder to have a wedding outside, which is sad because I always found the thought of saying yes to a lifetime of happiness in a free, open space without any boundaries very endearing. But everyone is different. Talk to your wedding planner about everything that you'd like to have in your wedding, not only material things, but also feelings. This way they can try to find the right ceremony for you and your beloved.

 

Ah, I have such a good feeling about this. You'll be so happy.

 

(Oh, at http://www.offbeatbride.com they had a feature about gay weddings. It has lots of general advice and seems to be one of the less traditional sites. Read: not as boring. )

[Lyssa]

So you're not going to have a double wedding?

[littlekitty]

The Catholic Church opposes gay marriages, so unfortunately I don't think you will able to have a Church ceremony (not Catholic anyway) or have a priest marry you. But you certainly can have a civil marriage and make it anything you want.

 

I don't see how it would that much different from any other Civil marriage. I know it isn't over here!!

 

I had a civil ceremony (by choice as I'm not religious) and it was wonderful. Having a civil ceremony allows you to really personalise the ceremony. You can have wonderful readings, music and you can write your own vows should you want to.

 

There are some great wedding forums (I could only suggest UK ones, but if you want some PM me), many of these have a forum for gay marriages. But again, it's really not that different from any other civil marriage.

 

Everyone loved the fact that our wedding was so relaxed and so personal to us.

 

You can have anyone you want walk you down the isle, you can both wear anything you want, and do nearly anything you want. I say 'bah humbug' to your friends telling you can't do that or that 'because you're gay'!!!

 

If you don't want flowers don't have them, if you do, then go ahead. Same for bridesmaid or whatever.

 

I'm sure you'd actually find many wedding magazines could still give ideas for weddings! Just take what you want to use and dismiss the rest!

 

Good luck with your wedding and many congratulations on your engagement!!

Edited January 16, 2008 by littlekitty

[Leoni]

California only recognizes Domestic Partnerships, not gay marriage.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Civil_unions_in_the_United_States#California_-_September_22.2C_1999

 

Also, as mentioned by previous posters, the Roman Catholic Church opposes gay marriage.

 

If both Church and State oppose gay marriage, to the best of my knowledge, it's not legal when performed.

 

Here's some information about Domestic Partnerships in California:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Civil_unions_in_the_United_States#California_-_September_22.2C_1999

 

What you might be able to do, is to have a ceremony of some kind performed in a non-partisan chapel, with a sympathetic pastor?

[Ronni_W]

As a little girl, I drempt of marrying a girl with all the traditional trimmings of a wedding.

I get that this isn't about the religious/legal "stuff". You are 100% worthy of having the wedding of your dreams. Period.

 

I'm sure you are painfully aware of the RCC position, and that you'll need to find a 'renegade priest' to have an "authentic" RCC ceremony in an "officially recognized" RCC church.

That does not mean that you can't hire a marriage officiant or justice of the peace or minister of a more tolerant faith, and have them perform an RCC-based ceremony.

Whether the *perfect* venue turns out to be your backyard, a beach in Bali or some huge banquet hall, you can have an aisle as long as you want for your Dad to walk you down, with a train longer than Lady Di, and a bigger wedding party than...er...someone with 12,000 best friends, nieces and nephews!!! You are 100% worthy of having the wedding of your dreams. Period.

 

So yeah, in reality, you likely will have to be creative in order to fulfill your vision. No matter how that 'looks', you will have God and Love and the good wishes of people you love. THAT is a wedding ceremony!

 

 

Secondary note, I wouldn't even be bothering to still defend my sexual orientation with statements like, "I didn't choose to be gay" -- if general public doesn't understand that by now, your saying it again ain't gonna help them get over their ignorance and intolerance.

[PerfectLee]

Wow-thanks you guys for all the info & websites! Now I remember why I signed up with LS to begin with. Ronnie, face to face I never defend my orientation, I appreciate your words though, it meant a lot. You made me laugh with the Lady Di comment too.

 

Leoni-I have my wedding planner looking into a "sympathic" pastor.

 

Ah, I have such a good feeling about this. You'll be so happy.

 

Thanks NeverMind. I always wanted a winter wedding, but my guests would probably freeze to death. lol I should get married in the snow...naked. lol J/K

 

I'm sure you'd actually find many wedding magazines could still give ideas for weddings! Just take what you want to use and dismiss the rest!

 

LittleKitty, I've been getting some ideas from wedding mags, I'd really like our wedding to relaxed like yours. By the way, off topic here, but my white cat looks just like your white cat. Very cute.

 

Lyssa-You remember me...thank you. We decided no to the double wedding. I don't know if you remember, but her brother doesn't even have a GF yet so I'm not going to wait around. lol Besides...it's OUR day.

 

Again, thank you guys for the kind words of encouragement and all the websites.

[Lyssa]

Lyssa-You remember me...thank you. We decided no to the double wedding. I don't know if you remember, but her brother doesn't even have a GF yet so I'm not going to wait around. lol Besides...it's OUR day.

 

Of course I do! Yeah, I think I read that part about her brother. Imagine if you had to wait for him to get a GF... etc... it'd take a much longer for you to get married!

 

All the best and congratulations, PL!

[Ronni_W]

I should get married in the snow...naked.

Hhmmm...why not??? International flair...Finnish sauna to follow and piirka for finger food (cos I can't spell hors deavres )

 

And thanks for confirming that I'm NOT losing my mind (didn't get the "double wedding" post at first.)

 

I agree it's (both of) YOUR day. And I agree it sounds as if it's going to be absolutely fabulous

[littlekitty]

LittleKitty, I've been getting some ideas from wedding mags, I'd really like our wedding to relaxed like yours. By the way, off topic here, but my white cat looks just like your white cat. Very cute.

 

I'm sure you're going to have your perfect day!! Your wedding planner will be really useful in helping you organise everything!

 

Ohhh it's all so exciting! Enjoy it!!

 

O/T: Awwww he's a lovely big fluffy boy is our Mayo! Just a nightmare when you're wearing black!!

[allina]

I get that this isn't about the religious/legal "stuff". You are 100% worthy of having the wedding of your dreams. Period.

 

I'm sure you are painfully aware of the RCC position, and that you'll need to find a 'renegade priest' to have an "authentic" RCC ceremony in an "officially recognized" RCC church.

That does not mean that you can't hire a marriage officiant or justice of the peace or minister of a more tolerant faith, and have them perform an RCC-based ceremony.

Whether the *perfect* venue turns out to be your backyard, a beach in Bali or some huge banquet hall, you can have an aisle as long as you want for your Dad to walk you down, with a train longer than Lady Di, and a bigger wedding party than...er...someone with 12,000 best friends, nieces and nephews!!! You are 100% worthy of having the wedding of your dreams. Period.

 

So yeah, in reality, you likely will have to be creative in order to fulfill your vision. No matter how that 'looks', you will have God and Love and the good wishes of people you love. THAT is a wedding ceremony!

 

 

Secondary note, I wouldn't even be bothering to still defend my sexual orientation with statements like, "I didn't choose to be gay" -- if general public doesn't understand that by now, your saying it again ain't gonna help them get over their ignorance and intolerance.

 

Ronni, your post is lovely and it made me smile

 

And I'm no expert in weddings so all I can say it CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!! to the OP

[Ronni_W]

Ronni, your post is lovely and it made me smile

Thanks, Allina. In this sometimes crazy world, it's nice to know that I contribute something positive once in a while.

[Touche]

You can have your Domestic Partnership ceremony be whatever the heck you want it to be. You're only limited by your imagination. I'm surprised your friends think you can't have it be the way you want it to be.