What are you suppose to do?

[OttoMan]

To make a long story short as I will not describe every single problem. My wife and I have been together for about 11 years and married for about 5 years. She grew up in a very controlling family and she has had a very hard time letting go of her parents and their rule over her life. Throughout our 11 year relationship there has been this constant struggle to keep this relationship together based on the consist presence of her parents. And my wife inability to make decisions which are good for us and not base all of her decisions on what her parents want her to do. It also should be noted that her parents do not like me for some reason. Her mom was even over heard saying she hopes that her daughter and I don’t have kids.

Throughout our 11 year relationship there has been many many arguments and fights. Mostly having to do with my wife and why she hates me. I sometimes wonder why she is even in this relationship if she hates it so much. (I also ask myself the same thing.) When we fight as a way to escalate the argument she always likes to bring up the fact that she wished she never married me. She also does not like having sex with me. Not sure why that is.

 

Our wedding was a train wreck. Her parents did not want us to get married. And my wife was stuck in the middle of wanting to marry me and the thought of doing something her parents did not ok. So of course she married me but our wedding night was forgettable rather than unforgettable. She was crying and telling me that she made the biggest mistake of her life. And it took the entire following week before she would even talk to me without being mad. It is like I forced her to get married. I did not I want to get married at that time anyway. I wanted to move into an apartment first and see how things went before we even got married. However, we were unable to do this because according to her parents if we moved together before being married it was called “shacking up.” So I got married……

 

Now in the present day while trying to fighting through many relationship related aliments such as panic attacks and bowel related problems. It’s hard to forget always of the things that have happen in the past 11 years. Let me also say that I love my wife for the person she can be. The person that thinks for herself and does not let her parents influence her decisions. The person that has fun and laughs at stupid jokes that I make. I don’t get to see enough of that side. She can be a great person when she wants to. She can be caring and affectionate. However, I feel like I’m living with my sister. She does not want to have sex or touch me most of the time. She does not seem to think that sex has to be part of a marriage.

 

I’m also seeing a therapist on a monthly basis to try and help deal with these problems. The therapist has helped me realized how just unhealthy this relationship has become. I’m also starting to see more and more that the end of this is coming. However, just the thought of turning my life upside in hopes that I can make it better is a scary to do. Seeing as how I look at wife as two people one is my best friend and the other would be my wife in a joke of a marriage. In the course of the relationship with my wife I have lost two great friends. One friend messed around with my life so I had to get him out of my wife and the other friend just does not want make time for me anymore. Not sure why. So if I were to divorce my wife….. I would be losing my best friend. Then I would have no one in my life other than family, Jack Daniels, and the person I have to pay to talk about my problems. I can’t be making new friends at my age.

 

Is being totally alone better than being in a relationship like this? I don't know what the hell to do.

[Rx12578]

Otto, I'm so sorry - your situation sounds very difficult. I'm no expert but I think before you make any decision about leaving you might want to talk to your W about the two of you going to counseling together. Maybe you can talk to your personal therapist and see what they think about that idea (they might recommend someone).

[cj1988]

I agree that you need to try everything , I know I have before you walk out. Then you will have NO regret and a free conscience that you did everything in your power to make it work first !

[Tripper]

OM, this is a bit of a messy situation with various issues intertwined.

First there's your W issue around her parents and the control she allows them to exert. This is her problem.

Theres the issue of the state of your marriage which is both your problem.

And then from your post:

 

I can’t be making new friends at my age.

 

Is being totally alone better than being in a relationship like this? I don't know what the hell to do.

 

It sounds like you are afraid of being alone. And the reason for that is:........ <you need to fill in the blank>

 

If you feel you want to make your marriage work, you both have some work to do. Your W inability to be her own person and an adult without the "parental control" is a major issue that may inhibit anything you do to fix your M. I'm surprised that she doesn't understand that when she married you, you and her became your own family unit responsible for your own decisions and welfare. Certainly parents can offer advice but she and you have to make your own decisions and learn to diffuse any criticisms they may make. She may be their daughter, but she is your wife and ultimately she is responsible for her own happiness.

And only she can do the work on her problems.

 

If you want to save your marriage you will need and open and honest discussion with her ending in a commitment to work on this even if it takes MC. At least with MC, you can learn to fight fair and have referee for those harsh moments.

 

Lastly, since you are already in therapy, have you looked at why you are afraid to be alone?? Most people who are afraid to be alone because deep inside they don't like themselves.. and if you don't like yourself how can you expect anyone else to like you.