scaredinlove Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I haven't started a post here for a long time so i decided to start one now. For those who dosen't know me I was a MW having a affair with a MM and his W caught us in summer 2006. I divorced ,the affair continues and MM is still a MM. OK ! I was thinking today that when we got caught , all people talked about was the sex and sex. Even now people say a lot about affair is the sex. But I found out that it is not always like that. We do have great sex , but it is the friendship, the love and the connection that keep this going for almost 6 years... I haven't seen my MM since last November because of issues with work and health that made it impossible for us to meet. Today I met him and we spend an hour or so talking about all that happened these past month, the close we got was a kiss ,but all we wanted was to hear each other. There is a great connection between lovers and it is not a fantasy , it is a real , strong connection. When I left as cast as when I walked in .I felt rivigorated cause we can really talk. Something he cannot do with his W and something I wasn't able to do with my exH. I guess that is why people say tha a emotional affair is a lot more dangerous than a fling .... I don't know ...just wanted to share my feelings... Link to post Share on other sites
maria22 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 You are right sweetheart, emotion is a very dangerous thing. I have been in a similar position and reading what you wrote made me feel very.. hmm i'm not sure how to explain it but I would like you to know that I understand what you are saying here because it's happened to me. And I think one of the most important things when situations like this occur is to be understood and not just 'told' what to do by people because generally we know what we SHOULD do but emotion takes over. Good on you for getting your feelings out. Maria Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Even though the two of you have been involved for years, you are still the ow and she is still the w. So whether it is about more than sex or whether he can't or won't talk to his wife, the facts are you are still where you were when it started. But if that is o.k. with you, have at it. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I haven't started a post here for a long time so i decided to start one now. For those who dosen't know me I was a MW having a affair with a MM and his W caught us in summer 2006. I divorced ,the affair continues and MM is still a MM. OK ! I was thinking today that when we got caught , all people talked about was the sex and sex. Even now people say a lot about affair is the sex. But I found out that it is not always like that. We do have great sex , but it is the friendship, the love and the connection that keep this going for almost 6 years... I haven't seen my MM since last November because of issues with work and health that made it impossible for us to meet. Today I met him and we spend an hour or so talking about all that happened these past month, the close we got was a kiss ,but all we wanted was to hear each other. There is a great connection between lovers and it is not a fantasy , it is a real , strong connection. When I left as cast as when I walked in .I felt rivigorated cause we can really talk. Something he cannot do with his W and something I wasn't able to do with my exH. I guess that is why people say tha a emotional affair is a lot more dangerous than a fling .... I don't know ...just wanted to share my feelings... Yes an Emotional affair is a very dangerous thing! As human's..... most of the time our real deep and inner self is drawn and played out by emotion! When we lack that in a LTR or marriage it's only a natural human response to seek that else where! However.....when still in a in a R with someone else it's very hard to give 100 % to that person that one so desire's. So. you are free now and mm is not! He can't give you 100% until he is free as well! Understand? AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
lovernotafighter Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I always see allot of people say "it's all about the sex" but if that was true why do most affairs entail multiple phones calls, text messages and emails all day everyday? I talk to MM all day long and we very rarely talk about sex. he tells me he feels understood and appreciated with me and I feel a deep friendship with him. with out those things we wouldn't still be seeing each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 It's not about sex, Well at least maybe not to you. but he's still with his wife so what does that tell you? MM who do that are scum and you as females ut yourselves in that situation!!! Self respect for womankind is DOA. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I'd be curious how many affairs would last if the OW said "Ok, no more sex and no more physical interaction other than what platonic friends would do. When you are divorced we can interact like a physically intimate couple. Until then, there is to be no sex or intimacy at all. Not even a hint of it, or even speaking of it." When you cut the sex out, I would think that ninety nine times out of a hundred, MM would simply go find a more sexually compliant OW. It may not be 'just sex', but I can guarantee you that it wouldn't survive without it, or at least the promise of it through mutual sexual tension. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I agree, take sex out of the equation and see how long it will last, not long at all. It may need be all about sex, but trust me....it is a BIG part of ANY intimate relationship. I am not going to be as close to any man and spill my guts and have a bond without it, it goes hand and hand. That is WHY I do not believe anyone can have just an EA unless there is no way to hook up ! Attration is attraction and it starts somewhere and definitely ends up in bed ! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 It's funny how many MM on here use sex as the reason they cheated. "She's a great wife and mother, she treats me well and she is my best friend, BUT she doesn't have sex with me as much as I want. So I had to find someoe to fill my needs." BLAH BLAH BALH. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 If she was his best friend, then he should be able to tell her he needs MORE sex.....what a crock of s--- that is ! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I'd be curious how many affairs would last if the OW said "Ok, no more sex and no more physical interaction other than what platonic friends would do. When you are divorced we can interact like a physically intimate couple. Until then, there is to be no sex or intimacy at all. Not even a hint of it, or even speaking of it." I imagine about as many as marriages would last under the same conditions - and one only has to visit the infidelity boards to see that. ANY intimate relationship thrives on intimacy. Affairs are no different to marriages in that respect. They're not JUST about sex, but sex is important. Same as in a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I would wager that sexless marriages outweigh sexless affairs. People stay married for a lot more reasons than sex because the basis for marriage is far more than sex. In affairs, if you take the sex away there really isn't much of a point. The primary reason and basis for affairs is sex, or at the very least the thrill of sexual tension. Unless, of course it is an exit affair where the MM was going to divorce regardless of whether there was an OW or not. Then the OW can cut off the sex and stand a better chance because MM knows he is leaving the marriage anyway and will be able to have sex with OW as soon as he is done with his marriage (and unfortunately, in exit affairs OW finds herself either broken up with, or one of several OW as he plays the field being newly free to do so). However, if she has a MM who will never ultimately divorce cutting off sex (and any possibility of sex/sexual tension) would mean the end of her relationship with MM - she would be downgraded to "friend" and he would slowly phase her out as he phases a new OW in. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I would wager that sexless marriages outweigh sexless affairs. People stay married for a lot more reasons than sex because the basis for marriage is far more than sex. In affairs, if you take the sex away there really isn't much of a point. The primary reason and basis for affairs is sex, or at the very least the thrill of sexual tension. In most cases that's probably so at least initially. But the kind of affairs that last for years are built on a lot more than sex. They're often partnerships in every way as multi-faceted and deep as a marriage - sometimes even more so - and in some cases the sex does fall away entirely. I do know of cases like that - that became EAs and became the MM's primary emtional and social investment, as he withdrew increasingly from the M. I can't say that would work for me - sex is far too important a part of my life - but it worked for them, and probably still is though I've lost touch. Unless, of course it is an exit affair where the MM was going to divorce regardless of whether there was an OW or not. Then the OW can cut off the sex and stand a better chance because MM knows he is leaving the marriage anyway and will be able to have sex with OW as soon as he is done with his marriage (and unfortunately, in exit affairs OW finds herself either broken up with, or one of several OW as he plays the field being newly free to do so). Or not. Those are not the only two possible outcomes. Some MMs leave their Ws and sort out their stuff, and then partner with their OW. My father was one of those. However, if she has a MM who will never ultimately divorce cutting off sex (and any possibility of sex/sexual tension) would mean the end of her relationship with MM - she would be downgraded to "friend" and he would slowly phase her out as he phases a new OW in. Depends on the reason for the A in the first place, I suspect. If it was because of a sexless M, then I'm sure a sexless A wouldn't cut it. If it was for emotional bonding and companionship and finding a "soul mate", the sex is likely to be less of a consideration in the overall equation. Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I don't get it...you leave your M to be with him (ok, the M may have been dead anyway but he was part of why you left) - you've been involved for yrs and are clearly available to him and clearly love him...but he never left his M and can only manage a 1 hr talk with you since November (but his wife gets him every single day)? That doesnt sound like much of a R. Don't you get jealous, feel short changed, or like he is disrespecting you? I'm not trying to be mean at ALL, I'm just saying....his actions don't suggest he feels the way you do, and you deserve someone who can make you happy, put you first n always be there. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 We do have great sex , but it is the friendship, the love and the connection... This is truely what it is all about...It is everything together...Not one piece by itself is as important as the sum of it's parts... GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Author scaredinlove Posted January 16, 2008 Author Share Posted January 16, 2008 You are right sweetheart, emotion is a very dangerous thing. I have been in a similar position and reading what you wrote made me feel very.. hmm i'm not sure how to explain it but I would like you to know that I understand what you are saying here because it's happened to me. And I think one of the most important things when situations like this occur is to be understood and not just 'told' what to do by people because generally we know what we SHOULD do but emotion takes over. Good on you for getting your feelings out. Maria hey Maria , so you know what I am talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scaredinlove Posted January 16, 2008 Author Share Posted January 16, 2008 Even though the two of you have been involved for years, you are still the ow and she is still the w. So whether it is about more than sex or whether he can't or won't talk to his wife, the facts are you are still where you were when it started. But if that is o.k. with you, have at it. I am not where I started where it began I am light years ahead. I you know what I may not be the OW for much longer..........Just a gut feeling. And if I am so be it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scaredinlove Posted January 16, 2008 Author Share Posted January 16, 2008 If she was his best friend, then he should be able to tell her he needs MORE sex.....what a crock of s--- that is ! Not sure what you meant........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author scaredinlove Posted January 16, 2008 Author Share Posted January 16, 2008 I always see allot of people say "it's all about the sex" but if that was true why do most affairs entail multiple phones calls, text messages and emails all day everyday? I talk to MM all day long and we very rarely talk about sex. he tells me he feels understood and appreciated with me and I feel a deep friendship with him. with out those things we wouldn't still be seeing each other. Hey Lover so you know what I mean.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author scaredinlove Posted January 16, 2008 Author Share Posted January 16, 2008 It's not about sex, Well at least maybe not to you. but he's still with his wife so what does that tell you? MM who do that are scum and you as females ut yourselves in that situation!!! Self respect for womankind is DOA. hey Barracud for your harsh word i would gather you never being in love.... I guess he has a wife and a house and the whole nine yards, but still my thought was that our feelings for each other are very genuine and it will prevail, no matter what , still stands. Peace out man.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scaredinlove Posted January 16, 2008 Author Share Posted January 16, 2008 Yes an Emotional affair is a very dangerous thing! As human's..... most of the time our real deep and inner self is drawn and played out by emotion! When we lack that in a LTR or marriage it's only a natural human response to seek that else where! However.....when still in a in a R with someone else it's very hard to give 100 % to that person that one so desire's. So. you are free now and mm is not! He can't give you 100% until he is free as well! Understand? AP:) He actually does, he may not be able to give me a lot of time but it is about quality not quantity. Live is strange and unpredictable, we don't really know what is coming next. My thing was when I met him yesterday I understood that there is a bond between us that cannot be broken. When I hear about affairs people try always to make it look dirty and sexual only. Believe sex is a great thing, I don't see it dirt or sinfull like some peple doi. It is a greart commection between two people. But there is something that will last beyond and above anything else. I guess you can call it love or a deep bond. That was what I felt yesterday, and as I walked out I know that no matter what we would be always close. It is almost like our souls met or something...... It is a strange thing to explain. Do you understand? Link to post Share on other sites
Author scaredinlove Posted January 16, 2008 Author Share Posted January 16, 2008 I'd be curious how many affairs would last if the OW said "Ok, no more sex and no more physical interaction other than what platonic friends would do. When you are divorced we can interact like a physically intimate couple. Until then, there is to be no sex or intimacy at all. Not even a hint of it, or even speaking of it." When you cut the sex out, I would think that ninety nine times out of a hundred, MM would simply go find a more sexually compliant OW. It may not be 'just sex', but I can guarantee you that it wouldn't survive without it, or at least the promise of it through mutual sexual tension. Some OW may not be looking for their lovers to divorce... When we started we didn't had sex for a whole year and still we were crazy about each other.We talked several times a day and we could not wait until we would see each other. Sometimes i even wonder if it would not have been better if we had kept it that way.. I know our R would last , we may not see each other for months to come because of several thinga in our lives but the connection is still there. It is a very strong bond, and i myself thought for a long time it was the sex , but know that life kind of separated us , i understood that the bond is something else. I know I will love and know him for the rest of my life even if live takes in different paths. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 It is almost like our souls met or something...... Did it feel like... a recognition? And have you ever felt this way with anyone else before? Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 When you cut the sex out, I would think that ninety nine times out of a hundred, MM would simply go find a more sexually compliant OW. It may not be 'just sex', but I can guarantee you that it wouldn't survive without it, or at least the promise of it through mutual sexual tension. Funny, you could say the exact same thing about a M. No relationship with a man would survive without sex. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 No relationship with a man would survive without sex. Kind of makes you wonder then why so many MM complain about 'sexless marriages' yet they stay married even with the promise of all the sex and happiness that an OW has to offer... Link to post Share on other sites
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