It is not about sex......

[GreenEyedLady]

Kind of makes you wonder then why so many MM complain about 'sexless marriages' yet they stay married even with the promise of all the sex and happiness that an OW has to offer...

 

Not really that much of a mystery...Alot of them care about money and status and image more...

 

So they stay in the sexless M and have an OW...

[Chrome Barracuda]

hey Barracud for your harsh word i would gather you never being in love....

 

 

I guess he has a wife and a house and the whole nine yards, but still my thought was that our feelings for each other are very genuine and it will prevail, no matter what , still stands.

 

Peace out man..

 

 

LOL, I have been in love but you know what I wasnt stupid to let my love blind me to what was going on around me.

 

I havent been blind to the fact that your a giver and this man is a taker but what has he given back except his sex.

 

Your not the first, but you aint the last either.

 

Yeah that's love for you! lol.

 

If your feelings are so genuine be woman enough to admit them to his wife and let's see how she responds to that. You dont think he'll throw you under the proverbial bus???

 

You have nothing, no husband, no marriage, no self respect. All for some fling to this MM and it's all in your head.

 

But hey that's what you wanted.

 

My posts are harsh but I want people to truly think about the situations they put themselves in.

 

Think about it.

[frannie]

Hum. Sometimes it is all about sex, and sometimes, it is not. We all have different (emotional and physical) needs, and therefore we all have different reasons to get involved with those we shouldn't, and for staying involved with them.

 

Affairs are no more 'all about sex' all the time than any other relationship.

[cj1988]

Look, we are all adults and have been "IN LOVE". So, tell me this.....when you are in love the attraction is so strong PHYSICALLY that you cant stand to be away from them, right? So, how EA's exist and do not become a PA is beyond me ! I know when I am in love I long for them and want to be INTIMATE meaning have SEX with them in a big way, part of falling love.....and most definitely if they are my SOULMATE.....sex is part of love, period....romatic love that is....

[2cents]

When speaking on relationships you can quote from romance novels all you like, but that is still only the way you perceive it to be, or want it to be. But unless you are having relations with yourself you only have 1/2 the story. With us men its all about the sex. We are easy like that. Every thing else is just filler. Dosnt make us bad its just how evalution worked for us. When you are with your special MM or OW or whatever acronym for a person who lies and cheats on the person who at one time was happy enough to marry. Dont blame anyone, The simple answer as I see it is self involvement. Why does your mm have sex with you? because you let him. He chose his imediate need over his long term comitments. We are stupid like that. I will wager it is much the same for you ladies. Without sex you will soon be using the following words to describe your relationship. We drifted apart. These extramarital relations are all self-indulgent and self-centered. Your assesment of the future of your relationship with out the physical is I think hopefull at best

[torranceshipman]

I completely agree with Chrome Barracuda on this one...the guy gave you 1 hour of company in the last 2 months and in your mind, that translates to a gut feeling that you wont be the OW for much longer, and that you have a bond that can't be broken? Sorry but thats a bit nuts.

[PoshPrincess]

But there is something that will last beyond and above anything else. I guess you can call it love or a deep bond.

 

I know exactly where you're coming from SIL. My A was pretty much like that. We weren't having sex but there was sexual contact so, yes, it was also a PA, but was honestly so much more than that. I have moved on now and he has remained in his M but there is still SOMETHING there. After seeing him and talking to him for the first time in 7 months or more it was STILL there for us both...that surprised me to be honest.

[PoshPrincess]

Hum. Sometimes it is all about sex, and sometimes, it is not. We all have different (emotional and physical) needs, and therefore we all have different reasons to get involved with those we shouldn't, and for staying involved with them.

 

Affairs are no more 'all about sex' all the time than any other relationship.

 

Very well put Frannie. It all depends on the individual and the situation they are in.

[GreenEyedLady]

I completely agree with Chrome Barracuda on this one...the guy gave you 1 hour of company in the last 2 months and in your mind, that translates to a gut feeling that you wont be the OW for much longer, and that you have a bond that can't be broken? Sorry but thats a bit nuts.

 

Five years is a long time...How do M's get in the places they are? History plays a factor...and what doesn't work for you doesn't mean it doesn't work for someone else...

 

What's nuts is closed minds...

[torranceshipman]

No GEL, letting a poor woman get to the point when she feels grateful for the 1 hour a MM gives her every 2 months is nuts. She deserves a hell of a lot more than that. That's not a closed mind, thats a mind that is bothered about how miserable the poor woman must be.

[te75]

I'm new here but have been reading for some time. I have been active in learning about this ailment from many other forums as well. I may be wrong but it appears to come down to one word;

 

Respect

 

It's either you are married to someone you don't (or won't) respect, or you are willing to be with someone you REALLY don't respect.

 

Worse yet, the one you are disrespecting the most? Yourself

 

I've read until I can't read anymore to understand these behaviors. Twenty five years worth. Many books, listened to countless professionals, read thousands of posts by waywards and the words may be different but the message is always the same.

 

All say something is missing, and they're all right. The problem is that its not another face that's needed, its the face in the mirror every morning that's the problem and that face never changes. THAT is the face you are running from.

 

This is a sad statement about a tremendously intelligent society that can easily reason themselves into absolute non existence. You end up standing for what.....nothing?

Edited January 19, 2008 by te75

[scaredinlove]

Did it feel like... a recognition? And have you ever felt this way with anyone else before?

 

 

No I never felt like that before..What you mean by recognition???

[scaredinlove]

LOL, I have been in love but you know what I wasnt stupid to let my love blind me to what was going on around me.

 

I havent been blind to the fact that your a giver and this man is a taker but what has he given back except his sex.

 

Your not the first, but you aint the last either.

 

Yeah that's love for you! lol.

 

If your feelings are so genuine be woman enough to admit them to his wife and let's see how she responds to that. You dont think he'll throw you under the proverbial bus???

 

You have nothing, no husband, no marriage, no self respect. All for some fling to this MM and it's all in your head.

 

But hey that's what you wanted.

 

My posts are harsh but I want people to truly think about the situations they put themselves in.

 

Think about it.

 

We had a Dday and he told his W he loves me....No it is not a fling, no fling would last that long.

I have a lot, and I don't need a marriage to make me someone. I have self respect too.

 

It is not in my head and he won't throw me under the bus...

 

What the future holds I don't know, but what I was trying to share here is that affairs are more about genuine feelings than just flings.

 

But people either don't want to see it or just pretend they don't see it.

[OpenBook]

No I never felt like that before..What you mean by recognition???

 

This post from you prompted my question:

 

But there is something that will last beyond and above anything else. I guess you can call it love or a deep bond.

 

That was what I felt yesterday, and as I walked out I know that no matter what we would be always close.

 

It is almost like our souls met or something......

 

It is a strange thing to explain.

 

Do you understand?

 

Some people (not many) have described meeting others similar to this - it felt like they somehow "recognized" the other person's soul, without being able to pinpoint it or understand it. It feeds into the belief in past lives, and the same souls encountering each other, over and over again in each life, for the purpose of...?

[scaredinlove]

I completely agree with Chrome Barracuda on this one...the guy gave you 1 hour of company in the last 2 months and in your mind, that translates to a gut feeling that you wont be the OW for much longer, and that you have a bond that can't be broken? Sorry but thats a bit nuts.

 

 

 

This separation is temporary and he didn't plane it, like I said before it is about job and health, something beyong our power.

 

The bond cannot be bronken and when I said I may not be a OW for much longer it didn't mean that we were threw or that our bond would be bronken. It just mean that live is changiing in a way that no one will be able to control the outcome. Whatever it will be.

[scaredinlove]

I know exactly where you're coming from SIL. My A was pretty much like that. We weren't having sex but there was sexual contact so, yes, it was also a PA, but was honestly so much more than that. I have moved on now and he has remained in his M but there is still SOMETHING there. After seeing him and talking to him for the first time in 7 months or more it was STILL there for us both...that surprised me to be honest.

 

 

So you know waht I mean, it is funny how it is, it is a very strong feeling.

[OpenBook]

And by the way, I felt the exact same way about my MM, all those years ago. And it didn't turn out AT ALL that way. I didn't know the guy, or what he was capable of. He completely fooled me. I was totally wrong about him.

[scaredinlove]

And by the way, I felt the exact same way about my MM, all those years ago. And it didn't turn out AT ALL that way. I didn't know the guy, or what he was capable of. He completely fooled me. I was totally wrong about him.

 

 

Sorry things turn out bad to you. I don't know much oof your story.

[patientguy]

I'm was a MM that had an affair with a MW. Much like your situation. I left my W and she's stayed in her relationship with her H. It wasn't about sex. Sure that's very important, but to be honest, sex with my x was better. The real pull with my MW was the intimacy. Its not about the sex. I'm not nocking it but its about more sometimes. It's about everything. When you look into there eyes and all you can see is the most wonderful person you've ever known and they look back and feel the same. Its about when you speak with them and can understand there feelings, there aspirations in life, there dreams. All you can do in that situation is see your future, not the preconseption others would think of or the impossibility of the circumstances. Its about learning about what love really is when you thought you knew....that you'd give up your comfort for something you believe in. I love her sp. She is still with her H. I get angry. I hurt. Ever single day. I have tried to date other people but when I look into there eyes it feels wrong.

 

I have the choice to move on, but I can't. I love her and I always will. I am an attractive man that could find another attractive woman and have great sex. However, I love her. That's all that matters. Anything less would be a lie.

 

So I'll wait for the rest of my life if that's what it takes. The hardest part are those feelings of pride that creep up on you and make you feel bad thoughts. I keep them at bay most of the time. I realize she doesn't feel like she has any choice but to stay in her marriage....becaue of family and religion. Those same feelings she has that keep her married are part of why I love her so.

 

It's difficult to bare.

 

It's all I can do.

[patientguy]

I'm sure sometimes it is mostly about sex. I'm just saying that its not always that way...and that men can have deep feelings too. I used to live side by side with my pride and ego like most men. Put aside your pride for something greater and your left only with your heart regardless of gender.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm was a MM that had an affair with a MW. Much like your situation. I left my W and she's stayed in her relationship with her H. It wasn't about sex. Sure that's very important, but to be honest, sex with my x was better. The real pull with my MW was the intimacy. Its not about the sex. I'm not nocking it but its about more sometimes. It's about everything. When you look into there eyes and all you can see is the most wonderful person you've ever known and they look back and feel the same. Its about when you speak with them and can understand there feelings, there aspirations in life, there dreams. All you can do in that situation is see your future, not the preconseption others would think of or the impossibility of the circumstances. Its about learning about what love really is when you thought you knew....that you'd give up your comfort for something you believe in. I love her sp. She is still with her H. I get angry. I hurt. Ever single day. I have tried to date other people but when I look into there eyes it feels wrong.

 

I have the choice to move on, but I can't. I love her and I always will. I am an attractive man that could find another attractive woman and have great sex. However, I love her. That's all that matters. Anything less would be a lie.

 

So I'll wait for the rest of my life if that's what it takes. The hardest part are those feelings of pride that creep up on you and make you feel bad thoughts. I keep them at bay most of the time. I realize she doesn't feel like she has any choice but to stay in her marriage....becaue of family and religion. Those same feelings she has that keep her married are part of why I love her so.

 

It's difficult to bare.

 

It's all I can do.

 

 

 

She stays because of her family and her religion, what religion or family for that matter, condones affairs? Sounds a bit suspect.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'm was a MM that had an affair with a MW. Much like your situation. I left my W and she's stayed in her relationship with her H. It wasn't about sex. Sure that's very important, but to be honest, sex with my x was better. The real pull with my MW was the intimacy. Its not about the sex. I'm not nocking it but its about more sometimes. It's about everything. When you look into there eyes and all you can see is the most wonderful person you've ever known and they look back and feel the same. Its about when you speak with them and can understand there feelings, there aspirations in life, there dreams. All you can do in that situation is see your future, not the preconseption others would think of or the impossibility of the circumstances. Its about learning about what love really is when you thought you knew....that you'd give up your comfort for something you believe in. I love her sp. She is still with her H. I get angry. I hurt. Ever single day. I have tried to date other people but when I look into there eyes it feels wrong.

 

I have the choice to move on, but I can't. I love her and I always will. I am an attractive man that could find another attractive woman and have great sex. However, I love her. That's all that matters. Anything less would be a lie.

 

So I'll wait for the rest of my life if that's what it takes. The hardest part are those feelings of pride that creep up on you and make you feel bad thoughts. I keep them at bay most of the time. I realize she doesn't feel like she has any choice but to stay in her marriage....becaue of family and religion. Those same feelings she has that keep her married are part of why I love her so.

 

It's difficult to bare.

 

It's all I can do.

 

 

Let me get this straight, you have an affair with a married woman, She doesnt leave her husband but yet you leave your wife. Now your by yourself.

 

And you say sex was always better with the ex but the intimacy was better with the OW?

 

And you broke your marriage and destroyed your family for your own selfish and self destructive desires.

 

And you dont care how long it takes but you'll wait for this married OW? Who cheats or could possibly cheat on you. You'll wait for her no matter how long it takes. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

 

Well you better get a snickers cause it's gonna be a while. lmao!!!!

 

[IWALH]

I haven't started a post here for a long time so i decided to start one now.

 

For those who dosen't know me I was a MW having a affair with a MM and his W caught us in summer 2006. I divorced ,the affair continues and MM is still a MM.

 

OK ! I was thinking today that when we got caught , all people talked about was the sex and sex. Even now people say a lot about affair is the sex. But I found out that it is not always like that.

 

We do have great sex , but it is the friendship, the love and the connection that keep this going for almost 6 years...

 

I haven't seen my MM since last November because of issues with work and health that made it impossible for us to meet.

 

Today I met him and we spend an hour or so talking about all that happened these past month, the close we got was a kiss ,but all we wanted was to hear each other.

 

There is a great connection between lovers and it is not a fantasy , it is a real , strong connection.

 

When I left as cast as when I walked in .I felt rivigorated cause we can really talk. Something he cannot do with his W and something I wasn't able to do with my exH.

 

 

I guess that is why people say tha a emotional affair is a lot more dangerous than a fling ....

 

I don't know ...just wanted to share my feelings...

 

6 years? Wow, I would have never survived that long. I was dying after 6 MONTHS!!

 

For me, it was about 50/50. It was half all about the amazing sex. And it was half all about the emotional connection/bond.

 

*sigh*

[stillhere]

Hey SIL!!! You're right, it's not all about the sex. Those who said sex is important in any relationship are absolutely correct, but it's not the most important part of a relationship unless the relationship was based on sex from the beginning.

 

My MM and i usually talk for hours every day. I can also say that both of us are very sexual beings. I think, at times, i want sex more than he does. I'd be happy to have it 3-4 times a day, if not more. He does his best to keep up with me, but it's not always easy!!

 

There came a point in our R that i felt sex was the only reason he kept me around. I brought this up to him, and HE suggested that we quit all sexual contact and continue with just being friends. Still meeting like normal, just no sex.

 

Needless to say, i couldn't keep my hands off him after a week. It's possible that he knew my sex drive was so high and that i couldn't resist him for long and i'd crack, but he took my feelings into consideration. He wanted to prove to me that he DID love me, and sex wasn't the main reason we were together.

 

He puts up with a lot from me as well. He could easily walk away from me if he wanted to. If it was only sex, and he could get it from anywhere, why deal with all the trials and tribulations? Just find another who doesn't give him so much grief. Because we have a bond, a connection, and love.

 

Just like it's hard to walk away from a spouse because of children, money, and image, it's hard to walk away from someone you're in love with and share an amazing connection with.

 

Although sex is important, sharing your most intimate feelings and true friendship with another person is what makes that bond incredibly strong and hard to break.