the_dean Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 This is just a hypothethical question for those who have been cheated on or cheated on their spouses. If you could go back in time and not marry that person, would you do that? I wuold say at this point I would not marry my wife knowing what I know now. I could end up wiht a worse wife but I probably would take the chance to try to a different path if there was a way ro do that. I am curious what others on here would do if they had the opportunity to go back in time. Dean Link to post Share on other sites
marriedandsad Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 That's a toughie. If I hadn't married my H we wouldn't have our son, who is an absolute joy. But then I look at all the fighting we do and what not, and all the tension...I don't know... Link to post Share on other sites
Triarge Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I certainly would marry her again -Without reservations. Interestingly, I thought the question was going to be if I could go back in time, then would I have the affair again. Link to post Share on other sites
lbj123 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 For me, I actually regret getting married a lot less than I regret moving in with him too quickly. At the point of getting married, I felt (and still feel) that I would have always second guessed myself and always wondered, had I broken off our engagement prior to getting married. Unfortunate as it is, it took being married to him to really come to terms with my not being as happy as I should be in the relatioship. What weighs on me is jumping in to moving in with him before getting married knowing that I wasn't really ready to take that step. I wish I had taken time to think it through and listened to the people I love and trust the most when they expressed concern and suggested I wait, even a few months to think it over. All and all, these experiences did help me to grow and develop and understand myself, so erasing the past would erase the life lessons and self knowledge I've gained, and that is invaluable to me and worth the mistakes I've made. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 No, if I had it to do over again I would have never married him and left years ago. We lived together 11 years, he never cheated, we got married and I believe he had feelings for her even then, so NO I should have not married him ! Link to post Share on other sites
lbj123 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 For me, I actually regret getting married a lot less than I regret moving in with him too quickly. At the point of getting married, I felt (and still feel) that I would have always second guessed myself and always wondered, had I broken off our engagement prior to getting married. Unfortunate as it is, it took being married to him to really come to terms with my not being as happy as I should be in the relatioship. What weighs on me is jumping in to moving in with him before getting married knowing that I wasn't really ready to take that step. I wish I had taken time to think it through and listened to the people I love and trust the most when they expressed concern and suggested I wait, even a few months to think it over. All and all, these experiences did help me to grow and develop and understand myself, so erasing the past would erase the life lessons and self knowledge I've gained, and that is invaluable to me and worth the mistakes I've made. Now that I'm thinking about this, I think I've changed my mind. If we had not been married, it would have avoided a lot of pain and sadness, especially for my x, and I will always feel sadness for the hurt I caused him, despite expressing my doubts for a long time prior to the wedding. I also sometimes feel sad thinking that when I do find the person who I genuinely want to spend my life with and who I love and cherish beyond belief, that it will be my second marriage, and it wont be the only person I ever chose to spend my life with. I guess I was being optimistic before...sometimes the thought of erasing the past sounds pretty good. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 All and all, these experiences did help me to grow and develop and understand myself, so erasing the past would erase the life lessons and self knowledge I've gained, and that is invaluable to me and worth the mistakes I've made. This is one of the loveliest things I've read on L.S. Sometimes we have to hurt people. It's life. When it's not intentional, there can be be no blame or guilt. Just sadness,perhaps, that things are as they are. Link to post Share on other sites
Tripper Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 This is one of the loveliest things I've read on L.S. Sometimes we have to hurt people. It's life. When it's not intentional, there can be be no blame or guilt. Just sadness,perhaps, that things are as they are. Here, here... Living life is a complex, dynamic process whereby we hopefully learn from our mistakes to become a better person. Sometimes in a marriage we grow togther... sometime we grow apart.. That's not to say it's right or wrong.. it's simply the way it is.. You make a decision to simply always do your best. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 If I could go back in time... I'd still marry her again, no question about it. But if she were to have a second affair, I'd also divorce her without hesitation. Link to post Share on other sites
marriedandsad Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 I went back and thought about this one a little more. I think we honestly would've been better without getting married. We were GREAT when we were just dating and living together...once we said our vows...we both feel trapped, like there is no way out. I would've loved having kids together, just not married. Sound bad? Link to post Share on other sites
carrot10 Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 My ex never cheated on me but I constantly thought he did. I would not change marrying him-I would have changed my behavior during the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
JustBreathe Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 No. He was the biggest mistake I ever made. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Only a fool would make the same mistake twice. Not in a million years would I marry him again. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedMM Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 No. If I had a time machine, I would go back and tell myself what I know now. Link to post Share on other sites
momto4boys Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Hi. I'm new here I would still marry him if I could go back, but wish I would've known how much different he would become toward me so I could prepare myself for it. I threw my heart and soul into it and it's still there, but he doesn't have the same fire in his eyes for me. He says he still loves me the same, but woman's intuition tells me otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 No. If I had a time machine, I would go back and tell myself what I know now. Well I'm going to have to say Ditto to this! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 A hard one... I'll answer it in two ways: If I could just somehow influence my "old self" to not marry her, without any other influence or explanation, I would not stop the marriage. Even given what I've been through, I've come to a place of peace. I wouldn't have chosen some of the experiences I went through along the way (wife's first EA/PA, wife's second EA and ultimate divorce) but because of where I am now, I wouldn't roll the dice for a different life. Among other things, I can't imagine not having my two kids - these specific two kids - as a part of my life now, and even though it's been hell at times, my journey has been generally good, and I'm now at a place where I have grown immensely (which I may well not have done otherwise - would I roll the dice and risk missing that opportunity?) and am anticipating a great future as the new person I am now. Second: If I could tell my "old self" what I know now, I still probably wouldn't stop the marriage - as it was, it had a lot of good parts, and knowing what I know now would have helped me creeate a more healthy marriage - it could have been a great one with some changes. Either way, I'm living in this moment, today, and I'm good where I am, and I'm good with what I imagine is ahead. I wouldn't roll the dice for some different, unknown result. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Hmmm. Let's see. To be 25 years old again, not married to a woman who is cheating with her HS boyfriend even before we married..who would continue off and on for 25 years. 25 years of absolute misery. (I have said here my ex and I had 2 good monthes, 4 good weeks, and maybe 35 good days in total).. I would sacrifice (?) all that in a New York second. Link to post Share on other sites
T L Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 No I would not. I had the warning signs just before the wedding, but ploughed on, praying that it would work despite this and I wanted to believe what my SO was saying rather than listen to my gut. We spent $25k on the wedding and the marriage only lasted six months before W comitted adultery and left. Now Im looking at a divorce rather than what would have been a painful break-up after a seven year relationship. If we hadnt got married, I could have started getting over this a year earlier and saved a ton of money and we would have spared our families the pain of going from experiencing the happiness of our wedding day to the pain of our separation in the space of a few months. Saying all that, I got married because I loved my W and we had many really good years together before marriage and I hoped we would have many more together when married, that was not to be. Link to post Share on other sites
smartgirl Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 I would marry him again in a heartbeat and I wouldn't want to give up those early years we had together for anything. We basically grew up together. That being said, I know that the fact that he never had the opportunity to have experiences with other girls/women when he was young plagued him on and off throughout our marriage and left him with lifelong doubts about himself and contributed to low self-esteem. Would it have been better to spend a couple of years dating other people even though we already were in love? I just don't know but I think about it a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyDi Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 I wouldn't marry him again, he deserves better than me. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 My first wife cheating on me did wonders as far as helping me grow a spine and gain some self respect and self esteem. Unless there is a way for that to happen without having gone through that ordeal I would still marry her. It was a trial and it made a man out of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Meranna Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 I would have done things the same, I learned a lot about myself. However, I would have left him a lot sooner than I did. Sometimes people stay married for too long after the marriage is over and only cause more hurt and pain. Once I felt I tried to do everything in my power to make it work to no avail I knew it was time to get out but stayed in the marriage even longer "for the kids." When I told my daughter we were getting divorced I think she cried for about 5 minutes (if that) then said "Well, it's about time mom, you should have done this a long time ago". Funny how a 9 year old can be more mature and see things in a clearer perspective than the adults involved. That moment will stick with me for the rest of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Elilmomma Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 I would go back and go into my marriage with a different attitude. I wish I could go back and tell myself what I have learned so far about marriage Link to post Share on other sites
Daphne Crane Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 I would go back to the day before I met him....and called out sick for that Thursday (the day I met him). Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts