Lesser of two evils

[cracked1]

Here's a question for thought. My wife had an affair for 6 months i just found out about. I have had a porn problem (pornography and phone sex) for our entire marriage. She has known about it and the whole time and it has always bothered her but i couldn't stop. My question or thought for discussion is this: Would you leave your husband for this? I have never had sex with another woman or even been to a strip club. I feel that the affair is so much worse but how would you women feel about my problem? Hit me!

[lbj123]

I think you are both wrong here...I have some mixed feelings on porn. As a woman, I happen to like watching porn and get extremely turned on from it. I think its totally normal for guys to watch porn and pleasure themselves, and the same goes for women. however, if you watch it obsessively, or use it instead of or more frequently than you are having sex with your partner, that is a serious problem to me and something I really would not be ok with. It would make me feel really horrible about myself, like I was no longer enough, no longer desirable, no longer able to please you. It would do a number to my self esteem, and possible could a person to seek comfort and validation by having sex with someone who makes them feel good. When she told you how much it bothered her, did you make any effort to stop, or did you just ignore her concerns? I am not saying she is right, just that I can definitely speculate how completely devestated that would make me.

[cracked1]

I think you are both wrong here...I have some mixed feelings on porn. As a woman, I happen to like watching porn and get extremely turned on from it. I think its totally normal for guys to watch porn and pleasure themselves, and the same goes for women. however, if you watch it obsessively, or use it instead of or more frequently than you are having sex with your partner, that is a serious problem to me and something I really would not be ok with. It would make me feel really horrible about myself, like I was no longer enough, no longer desirable, no longer able to please you. It would do a number to my self esteem, and possible could a person to seek comfort and validation by having sex with someone who makes them feel good. When she told you how much it bothered her, did you make any effort to stop, or did you just ignore her concerns? I am not saying she is right, just that I can definitely speculate how completely devestated that would make me.

Thanks for the input LBJ, that was just what i was looking for an honest opinion. My porn definitely effected our sex life, although it's no excuse my wife is boring and selfish in bed and i am passionate and giving. We need lots of counselling i know. I need much more in bed than she gives and it would end my porn problem i believe.

[lbj123]

Well that's a side to the story that I didnt think to ask, so my apologies for not inquiring for all the facts. Did you ever have a good sex life with your wife? If so, what do you think changed her? Have you talked to her about your needs and feeling unsatisfied sexually? If she expressed her issues with your porn, I hope you tried to explain why you are watching it so much.

[littlekitty]

I think you are both wrong here...I have some mixed feelings on porn. As a woman, I happen to like watching porn and get extremely turned on from it. I think its totally normal for guys to watch porn and pleasure themselves, and the same goes for women. however, if you watch it obsessively, or use it instead of or more frequently than you are having sex with your partner, that is a serious problem to me and something I really would not be ok with. It would make me feel really horrible about myself, like I was no longer enough, no longer desirable, no longer able to please you. It would do a number to my self esteem, and possible could a person to seek comfort and validation by having sex with someone who makes them feel good. When she told you how much it bothered her, did you make any effort to stop, or did you just ignore her concerns? I am not saying she is right, just that I can definitely speculate how completely devestated that would make me.

 

I agree with this. Porn in and of itself isn't an issue. A porn problem that effects your sex life is and issue. It would hurt very much, and I can see how it might lead to infidelity.

 

lbj123 doesn't mention the phone sex that you mentioned. For me personally, that would hurt even more. It's on a borderline of cheating IMO. It might just be a phone sex line, where you are both strangers who have never and will never meet. But for my husband to be saying those things and enacting those things with another women might be more than I could take. I'm honestly not sure.

 

Thanks for the input LBJ, that was just what i was looking for an honest opinion. My porn definitely effected our sex life, although it's no excuse my wife is boring and selfish in bed and i am passionate and giving. We need lots of counselling i know. I need much more in bed than she gives and it would end my porn problem i believe.

 

You need one on one counselling to deal with your issues first. Then you need marriage and possibly sex counselling. IF you want to work through this that is.

[cracked1]

I agree with this. Porn in and of itself isn't an issue. A porn problem that effects your sex life is and issue. It would hurt very much, and I can see how it might lead to infidelity.

 

lbj123 doesn't mention the phone sex that you mentioned. For me personally, that would hurt even more. It's on a borderline of cheating IMO. It might just be a phone sex line, where you are both strangers who have never and will never meet. But for my husband to be saying those things and enacting those things with another women might be more than I could take. I'm honestly not sure.

 

 

 

You need one on one counselling to deal with your issues first. Then you need marriage and possibly sex counselling. IF you want to work through this that is.

Thanks. The phone sex is what really bothered her and i feel terrible about it. I'm getting extensive counselling already and i want to work it out for the sake of my daughter and us. I see no value to divorce. I guess i just feel the 6 month affair was so much worse and it really stings when i think about it. She seems so cavalier and cold about it all.

[lbj123]

so...was the sex ever good between you and w?

[littlekitty]

so...was the sex ever good between you and w?

 

Yes I'm interested to know too. One would imagine it would have been for him to enter into marriage, but then we know from past posters, that isn't always the case!

 

Regardless I think it would have been easier to deal with the issue of their sex life than take the path they have done.

 

He also says he has had his porn issue the whole marriage, which suggests either their sex life was already lacking, or this was something he bought to the relationship anyway?

[cracked1]

Yes I'm interested to know too. One would imagine it would have been for him to enter into marriage, but then we know from past posters, that isn't always the case!

 

Regardless I think it would have been easier to deal with the issue of their sex life than take the path they have done.

 

He also says he has had his porn issue the whole marriage, which suggests either their sex life was already lacking, or this was something he bought to the relationship anyway?

I brought the porn issue into the marriage. We were both virgins before marriage. The sex was new for both of us and ultimately the porn problem made my wife feel badly of herself which i understand. She has low self esteem which no doubt makes her prudish. We haven't dealt with any of our issues in a mature way to date and i think that is obvious. My wife is physically very attractive but lacks depth emotionally and spiritually. I believe we made a mistake getting married but that is now complicated by a beautiful daughter who i will not throw to the wolves the way i was. I need to get over the infidelity, gimme some help ladies.

[Tripper]

I brought the porn issue into the marriage. We were both virgins before marriage. The sex was new for both of us and ultimately the porn problem made my wife feel badly of herself which i understand. She has low self esteem which no doubt makes her prudish. We haven't dealt with any of our issues in a mature way to date and i think that is obvious. My wife is physically very attractive but lacks depth emotionally and spiritually. I believe we made a mistake getting married but that is now complicated by a beautiful daughter who i will not throw to the wolves the way i was. I need to get over the infidelity, gimme some help ladies.

 

I can give you a male perspective and firstly, kudos to you for thinking of your daughter first. The impact of marital problems often leads to the children's welfare being relegated to second place.

 

Granted, both of you have made some bad decisions and not handled it well, but I get the sense that you want to save this marriage and family.

 

Since there are so many issues here you may want to get MC and possibly individual therapy, so that you both can move forward and rebuild the trust. I say this because the mix of porn, infidelity and poor sex seem to be a particularly volatile mixture.

 

Wish I could offer more advice.. Good luck...

[cracked1]

I can give you a male perspective and firstly, kudos to you for thinking of your daughter first. The impact of marital problems often leads to the children's welfare being relegated to second place.

 

Granted, both of you have made some bad decisions and not handled it well, but I get the sense that you want to save this marriage and family.

 

Since there are so many issues here you may want to get MC and possibly individual therapy, so that you both can move forward and rebuild the trust. I say this because the mix of porn, infidelity and poor sex seem to be a particularly volatile mixture.

 

Wish I could offer more advice.. Good luck...

I wish you could too but thanks for the positivity.

[CD111]

Alright, being a woman here is where i stand.

Porn-totally don't have an issue with that, I like to watch porn

Phone Sex with other woman-I would be LIVID and probably leave the guy with a quickness. Because that's just wrong.

 

These are opinions I have had for years.

 

Personally, sexually I really didn't come into my own until I was in my mid twenties. Prior to that I was sexually insecure and if I would have been married and my husband would not only watched a large amount of porn and had phone sex with other woman my personal desire to have any sexual relations with that guy would quickly dwindle along with any sexual security I had about myself. No wonder the woman is boring in bed. I wouldn't want you to even touch me, because I would feel like the back up plan when the porn and phone sex wasn't available. Plus like the phone sex operators are actually hot and attractive women. The image of my husband having phone sex with some ugly trashy chick with a smoke in her hand would want to make me puke, not to mention he was actually paying for it too. You have one understanding wife, sort of.

 

Kudos, for going to counseling and trying to sort things out, especially for thinking about your little girl. Your wife, probably feels unwanted, unappreciated, unattractive, sexually incompetent because alone she can't satisfy you and insecure in general. Now, this probably has alot to do with that fact that she was insecure about herself from the beginning, however, your addiction definitely didn't help the problem. You need to make her feel special again. It's going to be tough, because she has been hurt, but she needs to know.

 

I bet you the guy she is having an affair with makes her feel special, wanted, they have romance. That's want she wants. If all of your bedroom moves consist porn-like wham-bam-thank-you-mam sex, which doesn't have much romance in it, that doesn't make her feel like you are really into her. It makes her feel like all you want is sex and that's that. Go to a sex therapist. Instead of having phone sex with other women have phone sex with her. Get a babysitter for a night sometimes and spend some quality time with your wife. Also there is nothing wrong with you wanting to have sex on a daily basis or even more then that, but direct it towards her.

 

Her having an affair is definitely wrong, and you have a right to be hurt. However, she hasn't divorced you yet and you seem to want to make things workout. Good Luck

Edited January 15, 2008 by CD111

[cracked1]

Alright, being a woman here is where i stand.

Porn-totally don't have an issue with that, I like to watch porn

Phone Sex with other woman-I would be LIVID and probably leave the guy with a quickness. Because that's just wrong.

 

These are opinions I have had for years.

 

Personally, sexually I really didn't come into my own until I was in my mid twenties. Prior to that I was sexually insecure and if my husband would not only watched a large amount of porn and had phone sex with other woman. My personal desire to have any sexual relations with that guy would quickly dwindle along with any sexual security I had about myself. No wonder the woman is boring in bed. I wouldn't want you to even touch me, because I would feel like the back up plan when the porn and phone sex wasn't available. Plus like the phone sex operators are actually hot and attractive women. The image of my husband having phone sex with some ugly trashy chick with a smoke in her hand would want to make me puke, not to mention he was actually paying for it too. You have one understanding wife, sort of.

 

Kudos, for going to counseling and trying to sort things out, especially for thinking about your little girl. Your wife, probably feels unwanted, unappreciated, unattractive, sexually incompetent because alone she can't satisfy you and insecure in general. Now, this probably has alot to do with that fact that she was insecure about herself from the beginning, however, your addiction definitely didn't help the problem. You need to make her feel special again. It's going to be tough, because she has been hurt, but she needs to know.

 

I bet you the guy she is having an affair with makes her feel special, wanted, they have romance. That's want she wants. If all of your bedroom moves consist porn-like wham-bam-thank-you-mam sex, which doesn't have much romance in it, that doesn't make her feel like you are really into her. If makes her feel like all you want is sex and that's that. Go to a sex therapist. Instead of having phone sex with other women have phone sex with her. Get a babysitter for the night and spend some quality time with your wife. Also there is nothing wrong with you wanting to have sex on a daily basis, even more then that.

 

Her having an affair is definitely wrong, and you have a right to be hurt. However, she hasn't divorced you yet and you seem to want to make things workout. Good Luck

Terrific solid stuff, thank you! The only thing i have to say is that the sex we have has always been me pleasing her and (not to blow a horn) i'm fairly good at it. I do all the "work" and it's never wham bam. I love sex and probably have a high sex drive. I think your dead on about the phone sex though and i feel really bad about it. Keep the input coming PLEASE!!!