Women with Too Many Past Sexual Partners!

[Cobra_X30]

So... yeah I used an inflammatory title to get attention.

 

I have noticed a vast divide here between men and women on this particular topic. I believe it would be beneficial to everyone if the ideas, opinions, and feelings of both sides were expressed.

 

I think we have all seen posts from guys who say "I'm in love with my GF, but I just found out she has slept with 40 guys, and I cant seem to deal with it"... ect. Yet I cannot think of a single woman who has posted with these same feelings.

 

So, the question is this. Why does this typically matter to men and seem irrelevant to women? Is it ok to judge a person based on thier past exploits? Why or why not?

[allina]

I think that if I was a man and I found out that my gf had a huge number of sex partners I would be upset, like she isn't as wonderful as I thought, sort of like having this amazing new sports car and the realizing that it has way more miles on it than I thought and that tons of people have driven it.

 

I know that as a woman I shouldn't feel this way but I can sort of understand why this is an issue. I mean who wants to marry a woman knowing that there have been 50 different penises inside of her?

 

It's a double standard, I can't explain why. I wouldn't commit to a man that had a huge number of partners but women get stigmatized worse in the situation.

[Leoni]

Yet I cannot think of a single woman who has posted with these same feelings.

I'm going to be the first female to post in this thread and say that I won't date a man who's slept around a lot. Keep it under the double digits.

 

People rarely change, although there are some that do. What causes many men to reduce their promiscuity level, is that drive drops as they age.

 

Regardless, I don't see this as necessarily a change to the reasons they were so promiscuous in the first place, therefore history is a better way to blanket gauge your partner.

 

Be realistic. If you can't handle someone with a promiscuous past, avoid at all costs. Of course, there will be people who lie about their pasts but more than likely, their dishonesty will come out in other ways.

[Saxis]

I kinda like the sport's car analogy, so I'll elaborate on that. It's like a Ferrari. If EVERYONE could own and drive one, it wouldn't be all that special, would it? Not to mention all the used ones that would be up for sale, with all kinds of potential mechanical problems (diseases)....

[Cobra_X30]

It's a double standard, I can't explain why. I wouldn't commit to a man that had a huge number of partners but women get stigmatized worse in the situation.

 

So essentially you believe that it's Ok for men to judge women based upon thier past sexual history?

[underpants]

I think there are too many variables to consider then just a number.

 

Granted, people have standards by which they choose potential partners. However, I try to take into account the individual and hope that someone would do the same for me.

[luvmy2ns]

Funny how guys LOVE a gal who is good in bed, but HATE how she got that way.

[Leoni]

Funny how guys LOVE a gal who is good in bed, but HATE how she got that way.

You can get that way without having a lot of partners. This blankets both men and women.

[Cobra_X30]

Funny how guys LOVE a gal who is good in bed, but HATE how she got that way.

 

I've rarely heard that mentioned as a determining factor.

 

In fact most guys I know are more interested in a woman with a high libido, than one that's just good in bed.

[EnigmaXOXO]

It wasn’t irrelevant to me. As a matter of fact, having met someone with a little over half that many notches on his belt was what initially brought me to this forum.

 

Why? ... because I had a difficult time accepting that someone accustom to so much variety would be willing to settle down into a committed relationship that required he look at the same ol’ booty day in and day out. How do you keep someone who has his pick of women from eventually getting bored? And just because they think they’re tired of it all and want to settle down ... how can they know for sure if they’ve never actually been in a long-term relationship before?

 

Many people had my best interests at heart, and the majority of the females on board said they would feel uneasy being involved with a man like this. On the other hand, many of the males stepped forward to say that twenty-some partners for a single man in his mid thirties wasn’t all that unusual.

 

While two sex partners a year (one an average of every six months) was a bit MUCH for someone like me, (who had spent the majority of her life in a monogamous marriage) ... it wasn’t all that unusual for someone who had been single for the same amount of time. Especially in this day and age. And the fact that he was at least responsible enough to do what he had to do to prevent getting anyone pregnant or contracting an STD, meant that while he may have been your average horny college guy, he at least had the wherewithal to behave like a responsible adult. Which is more than I can say for myself when *I* was nineteen!

 

So I eventually got over it.

[SeraBella]

A lot of sexual partners for a man does bother me, but usually I don't get involved with men like that have too many.

 

If I find out after already establishing a relationship, I think about the reality of it...his age...number of committed relationships...the average number it would be per year, etc.

 

But as long as he seems committed to me, and someone I can trust, I don't really put much emphasis on it.

 

Overall, though, I think it's just one of those stereotypical issues between men and women that may never change.

[blind_otter]

I've gone on record for this one -- I think it's a double standard that is imprinted on people from an early age. Women who sleep around are sluts. Men who sleep around are studs.

 

I was promiscuous for a few years following a rape when I was 19...it was the third time in my life I had been sexually assaulted. I changed, after years of intensive therapy and eventually, medication therapy with antidepressants.

 

As a rule, I don't share my sexual history with partners. All they know is that I have a clean STD screen. I hide my past because I fear the judgement and double standard highlighted in this thread....but to be honest, I don't want to know my partner's history either. If they are clean (and have proof) that is enough for me.

 

Maybe because I've had a lot of partners, it doesn't bother me to think that my partner has been with a lot of people.

 

Because of my past, I have had to force myself to think of sex as just sex -- nothing beautiful or spiritual or higher than that...to think that it could be more than that would probably make me feel worse about the sexual violence that I have survived.

 

Lucky for me, my SO does not wish to know about my past and has said as much to me. I gather from hints and random references here and there that his past has not been as colorful as mine, but he loves and accepts me for who I am...not what I have done.

 

For me I have fought long and hard to believe that the past is NOT the present. If it was the present, I would still be in a tailspin of self-hatred and disgust...that made it impossible to have an emotionally intimate relationship for quite a while.

[allina]

So essentially you believe that it's Ok for men to judge women based upon thier past sexual history?

 

I don't think it's okay (as in the pc/nice/proper) thing to do. However, I understand these feelings, and lets be honest we as humans feel a lot of things that aren't necessarily "okay"

[Cobra_X30]

It wasn’t irrelevant to me. As a matter of fact, having met someone with a little over half that many notches on his belt was what initially brought me to this forum.

 

So I eventually got over it.

 

Ah, I never read your thread.

 

However the point seems to be that you got over it... while the majority of men here did not.

 

Do you think that your insecurity over whether you would be enough for him is the same reason men have issues with this?

[Meaplus3]

So... yeah I used an inflammatory title to get attention.

 

I have noticed a vast divide here between men and women on this particular topic. I believe it would be beneficial to everyone if the ideas, opinions, and feelings of both sides were expressed.

 

I think we have all seen posts from guys who say "I'm in love with my GF, but I just found out she has slept with 40 guys, and I cant seem to deal with it"... ect. Yet I cannot think of a single woman who has posted with these same feelings.

 

So, the question is this. Why does this typically matter to men and seem irrelevant to women? Is it ok to judge a person based on thier past exploits? Why or why not?

 

 

Personally when I was dating.....I never dated a guy that had a ton of partner's. If I was with one that did, hey IMOP the past is the past! If while in an R with me he was sleeping with 40 other woman, I'd have an issue with that! Understand?

 

AP:D

[Cobra_X30]

Because of my past, I have had to force myself to think of sex as just sex -- nothing beautiful or spiritual or higher than that...to think that it could be more than that would probably make me feel worse about the sexual violence that I have survived.

 

You have never been shy about your past on LS. I think you have encouraged and helped people because of it.

 

In regards to this... however... I think you are missing something important.

 

Sex means different things, to different people, at different times. What you have now, may be beautiful and spiritual.

 

This is something men tend to understand intuitively.

[oppath]

So how many partners in a year is too many?

[blind_otter]

Sex means different things, to different people, at different times. What you have now, may be beautiful and spiritual.

 

This is something men tend to understand intuitively.

 

Would you elaborate on this?

[lindya]

I think there are too many variables to consider then just a number.

 

Granted, people have standards by which they choose potential partners. However, I try to take into account the individual and hope that someone would do the same for me.

 

 

I agree. I think because of historical attitudes (and also as a result of certain studies with outcomes that interpret promiscuity negatively) certain stereotypes attach to people who've had a lot of sexual partners. Most particularly to women. People will often assume that a woman who's had a lot of sexual partners has one/some/all of the following:

 

1. Mental health problems

2. An abusive past

3. Absent father/daddy issues

4. Low self esteem

5. Low intelligence

 

Maybe factors such as those do sometimes contribute towards promiscuity. Particularly where a woman's using her sexuality in an effort to get attention/love.

 

On the other hand, some women will have a lot of sexual partners primarily because they have a high sex drive and/or because they're in a situation where they meet a lot of men they find very attractive (and therefore want to have sex with). Less about low self esteem, more about desire plus opportunity.

 

I think the kind of person who automatically labels a sexually experienced woman as a whore is often a very limited thinker who prefers to categorise others as quickly as possible with reference to popular stereotypes, rather than put in the mental effort required to make a fair and thoughtful assessment.

[underpants]

Those are some variables.

 

Someone who is single might have more relationship attempts then someone who spent a portion of time in a marriage or ltr.

 

My ex is very proud of his "less then 10 partners" status. What he fails to tell people is that he concurrently sees at least 4-5 of them at any given time. He rotates them out to primary status as he so chooses and to which they will allow. Seems nutty to me. However, in a twisted way I guess you don't have to count an ex as a 'new' partner. Whatever, I have removed myself from the queue.

 

For me I don't lend too much weight on "numbers", it is the person's character. That has to be individually discerned.

[allina]

I wanted to add something. I am picky about the man I commit to, give everything to and fall in love with. I don't want a man with tons of sexual partners or a shady past that needs to be hushed up and swept under a rug.

 

On the other hand I would never disrespect a person based on their number of partners when it comes to friendship/coworkers etc. I feel like people have the right to sleep with as many people as they like, just like I have the right to not date a person with a huge number.

[Kamille]

Those threads do bother me because to me they sound incredibly self-centered. They speak to social conditionning, a sense of entitlement and, like you say, likely stem from insecurity. Masculine sexuality is built on the premisse of virility and I think a woman having a lot of partners makes them feel like 1) she can compare 2) she might know more then he does.

 

Meanwhile, female sexuality is built a lot more around the idea of innocence. We don't need to know everything or to prove ourselves by how talented we are in bed.

 

That being said, my partner has over 50 notches on his belt and... It actually turns me on. I don't know why. Candidly I think it's because it makes me feel like: Ah! But I got him!

[tanbark813]

I had a difficult time accepting that someone accustom to so much variety would be willing to settle down into a committed relationship that required he look at the same ol’ booty day in and day out.

 

FWIW, when I was in a LTR with a girl who was only the second girl I'd ever slept with I definitely felt the need to sow my oats. I never cheated on her, but I did break up with her in college partially for this reason (and I just knew that she wasn't "the one").

 

Now that I've been with my fair share of women I feel satisfied and don't feel like I'd be missing out if I were to commit.

 

I'm not really concerned with how many men a woman has slept with. There are so many more important things to take into consideration.

 

"So, Juliet, we've been dating for 6 months now. In that time you've often cooked me meals, you've always been respectful, you haven't cheated on me, we have the same sense of humor and similar values, we have a fantastic time together, great sex, we love each other's families, and we both want to spend the rest of our lives together. Unfortunately, you've had 5 too many penises inside of you so we must part ways at this point."

 

It just seems retarded to me.

[Leoni]

I wanted to add something. I am picky about the man I commit to, give everything to and fall in love with. I don't want a man with tons of sexual partners or a shady past that needs to be hushed up and swept under a rug.

 

On the other hand I would never disrespect a person based on their number of partners when it comes to friendship/coworkers etc. I feel like people have the right to sleep with as many people as they like, just like I have the right to not date a person with a huge number.

This is exactly how I feel.

[luvmy2ns]

You can get that way without having a lot of partners. This blankets both men and women.

 

Not necessarily true. One guy may like certain things during sex. Another likes different things. People learn about different sexual preferences by having sex with different people. If you are with one man or woman your entire life, you learn about what that person likes, and that is what determines your sexual repertoire.