Women with Too Many Past Sexual Partners!

[EnigmaXOXO]

does anyone think that the external versus internal positions of the male, female genitalia contribute to the emotional differences that men and women have on this subject and thus generally contributed to the formation of the double standard? Generally speaking, isnt everyone more selective about what you put in your body as opposed to on it?

 

Nah. Not me. I don’t think “double standards” has anything to do with our junk being on the inside or the outside.

 

Double standards (to me) is when I expect something more from someone else than I’m able to deliver myself. When I expect to be forgiven for a mistake or bad choice I have made, but can’t overlook the fact that someone else may have made the same mistake or error in judgement at some point in their life. When I think it’s okay to have X amount of past sexual partners, but expect the person I’m with to be a virgin or at least have accumulated less experience than me. If I feel it’s okay to be unfaithful to my partner, but go ballistic at the idea that my partner would be unfaithful to me. That it’s “okay” to hurt people for the sake of my own personal gain, but find it unforgivable if someone turns around and uses or hurts me for the same reason.

 

I don’t think double standards come into play when we’re talking about someone who is more reserved with their sexuality and is looking for the same from their future partner. Or someone who has a history of remaining faithful throughout their relationships and therefore avoids getting mixed up with those who haven’t. Male or female, our biological makeup doesn’t give us a free pass to impose rules on one gender (or individual) while inventing excuses and loop-holes for ourselves.

[AAlike]

Hello all - first post...

 

First of all, I think that there's a very big difference between drawing a line in the sand excluding people that fall outside of a specific criteria and having that criteria affect you once you have begun to get close to someone. The former is simply being judgemental - it's certainly your choice but with how rare love is these days, blocking out a significant part of the population for something that would have taken place before you had met them is mighty restrictive and might have you squandering a great chance with a great person. I understand the "people don't change" sentiment to a degree, but as a 31-year old adult for someone to write me off because I slept with 10 or so people while a 16-22 year old kid is pretty asinine. Those experiences are SOOOO insignficant to me and are no different in magnitude than "one night when I was 20 I drank 18 beers and puked" or whatever. it's no different - although I guess I get the "sex is sacred" view and can respect it, I really don't see how in today's times you can judge others for not having it. Honestly, my number is in the mid-20's and that's with behavior that I feel is almost prude, esepcially relative to the **** that some of my friends, both male and female, do. Had I taken a large chunk of the opportunities that presented themselves, or slept with all of the women that I had made out with, triple digits would not be out of the question - and this is simply a product of never being in a serious relationship (not due to being adverse to one I don't think, at least over the last few years) and having a fairly avid social life. And although I clearly wasn't in fairy tale love with any of my previous partners, I can definitely say that other than two teenage experiences (both of which weirded me out and I did not enjoy) that none of my sexual experiences have been one night stands or something that I deemed trashy. Some were better than others, some evolved into minor relationships, some were one time because we didn't "work" that well, but all involved people that i knew and respected. I need at least that in order to have sex with someone.

 

HOWEVER - once you get in a situation where you are in love, all bets are off and logic is skewed. You can play it off as insecurity and judgementalism and to some degree it is but there's more to it than that. People have pre-defined comfort zones when it comes to sex that are very rigid - like, no one is on the fence about premarital sex, one night stands, whether they like anal, whatever...for the most part it's either "that's totally no big deal" or "eww that's completely not my thing" - and for the things that you are on the fence about, generally once you do it once you fall to one side. And with the weird love-hate nature of sex in modern society, especially American, things that are outside of our comfort zone quickly mold from "I wouldn't enjoy that" to "that's dirty and something that a slut/pig would do" when in reality it's just all variants on the same basic thing. When you're in love, especially in the early stages when sexual past information tends to be revealed, you are apt to see your partner as immaculate, and them disclosing that they did something that's outside of your comfort zone is naturally tough to deal with - you don't want to associate this person that you put on a pedestal with something that you consider "cheap". yes, it's still insecurity but it's also something that intrinsically goes with the emotions that accompany love.

 

That said, I think both genders are affected and apt to react strongly in this vein when having to confront their partner's past exploits - but the manifestation is a little different. Women I think actually tend to latch on stronger to their guys (i.e. he might be tougher to keep around) while men often pull away and feel "disgusted" by their partner depsite no moral objections to what they've done. Whether this is a culturally-based phenomenon or hardwired I don't know (probably a little of both), but males definitely have a need to be dominant and territorial, and the thought of other males "invading their territory" is tough to reconcile for many. Men also need to feel this sense of "achievement" surrounding sex, and knowing about multiple partners can dampen this sense - this I believe is totally cultural and fabricated. The thing that most people feeling this syndrome are missing the point about is that the sex that you're having with your bf/gf (if you're in a good relationship) is probably worlds apart from any sex that some random partner had with them. Look at your own previous partners and realize how insignificant they are to you now (again, at least they should be if your relationship is good). Any time I've had a minor issue handling her past, I just look at mine and how it's not even a blip on my radar screen.

 

Interesting point about the relative roles of the genitalia factoring in - and maybe a valid one. There's probably a sense of "power" that stems from being the penetrator.

[luvmy2ns]

As a woman, I would NEVER date a man who had lots of partners. I would rather stay single and die alone.

 

I am a woman who would NEVER date a man with a lot of partners, the fewer the better. It has NOTHING to do with morals since I don't have high or strict morals at all. It's all about jealousy.

 

It's about my ego. I don't like the thought of other women having been there before me. I would be constantly in my mind in competition with them. I would be obsessed knowing what the women looked like, if they were hotter than me, better in bed, more successful, made more money than me, had a better personality, if he liked them more.

 

It makes NO DIFFERENCE that people on here like to say "Ohh but he's with you NOW, he picked you for a reason." It makes no difference to me, I would still obsess about the other women.

 

To me, I would think that a man who already has had lots of partners already knows WHAT IS OUT THERE, he's had SO MANY WOMEN, why would he want me? How could I compare? How could I ever measure up? And I truly believe that once a man has had a taste of variety he cannot go back to being monogamous. All men want to screw as MANY women as possible, it's encoded in their dna. Once they had a taste of that they cannot go back. A man who has had many partners is dangerous, he knows how thrilling it can be to have sex with lots of DIFFERENT women.

 

With a guy who has had none or few partners it's more like blank slate that I can paint on. I can be the first and the last.

 

I don't want used goods. Also, there's not much a man can do for me that I can't do for myself.

 

So you're a virgin then...?

[tanbark813]

Good first post, AAlike.

[luvmy2ns]

If an attractive girl offers you no strings sex, and your not interested in a Relationship... what do you do Tan? And why?

 

If she lied about the "no strings," then she has nothing to bitch about if all the guy wants is to get laid.

 

That's my point exactly. It's all about being honest. On BOTH sides. And yes - it's most definitely possible to have lots of sex partners without being a lying POS. News flash: most women like sex, and some actually admit the fact.

[MakeLemonade]

Well, it took me almost an hour but I actually read this whole thread....

 

I would think a more logical, rational and much less judgemental way to look at this for someone like myself, married and over 30, would be to want to know how many partners have you had in the last 10 years.

 

Anything beyond that is too far in the past to matter.

 

For me that number is under 10, though my lifetime number is quite a bit higher than that.

 

I am faithful to my husband and plan to remain that way. And I would bet most others in my demographic would be able to say that too.

 

I had issues in my younger days the "missing daddy" syndrome previously mentioned as well as an abusive relationship spanning 4 years to the person I lost my virginity to. You never know the why behind the what unless you choose to get to know someone and find out. To blanketly (is that a word? LOL. It is now.) say that I would never be with someone who has had more that X # of partners in their life is a NARROW way of looking at humanity and the world we live in. There is no black and white, only many, many, MANY shades of gray.

[amaysngrace]

Good first post, AAlike.

 

Yeah so good it bared repeating.

[MakeLemonade]

Also want to add, that for me, really unless the number would be really high, it wouldn't matter to me anyway - I never really asked in the past unless I was asked first.

 

Sex means different things to different people. I believe in finding out who someone is and how they work with me to decide whether I want to be with them or not, numbers in all reality really don't mean a whole lot. To me anyway.

[AAlike]

Yeah so good it bared repeating.

 

haha yeah I don't know what happened, I figured that I'd be called out on this...

 

thanks for the props guys - although I'm about to post a new thread that seemingly goes against all of that purty logic and puts me square in "insecure guy" territory, but I gotta do it...stay tuned...

[BetrayedMM]

Yeah, the number is irrelevant, unless we're talking hundreds or thousands or something ridiculous like that.

[Pyro]

Have sex and enjoy yourself but do a favor for everyone and get regularly tested if engaging in sex with multiple partners.

[starlite]

Personally, I dont want to know a mans number and expect respect when I do not share my own. It doesnt matter how many people we have been with, what matters is how we treat eachother and the kind of person we are.

 

And it does matter on the persons history, age, relationship length etc etc etc.

 

As long as the person I am with has a clean STD screen, why do numbers matter?

 

If I meet a man who treats me great and has slept with 2 people...or I meet a man who has slept with 100 and treats me great...doesnt make a difference...because i dont want to know.

[Stockalone]

First of all, I think that there's a very big difference between drawing a line in the sand excluding people that fall outside of a specific criteria and having that criteria affect you once you have begun to get close to someone. The former is simply being judgemental - it's certainly your choice but with how rare love is these days, blocking out a significant part of the population for something that would have taken place before you had met them is mighty restrictive and might have you squandering a great chance with a great person.

 

 

I don't see how this is different at all. If I can't deal with a number in a certain range, it doesn't matter when I become aware of the number.

 

Exluding people based on their number is certainly restrictive or maybe even judgemental. What I fail to see is how is this any different than excluding people based on their looks, not having chemistry or incompatible personalities?

 

 

 

I understand the "people don't change" sentiment to a degree, but as a 31-year old adult for someone to write me off because I slept with 10 or so people while a 16-22 year old kid is pretty asinine.

 

It might be asinine to you but I don't feel that way.

 

 

 

Those experiences are SOOOO insignficant to me and are no different in magnitude than "one night when I was 20 I drank 18 beers and puked" or whatever. it's no different - although I guess I get the "sex is sacred" view and can respect it, I really don't see how in today's times you can judge others for not having it.

 

 

Well, I am not necessarily looking at sex as sacred but comparing it to "one night when I was 20 I drank 18 beers and puked or whatever" is very different, to say the least, from how I view it. And I certainly do judge a woman for not having the same morals/views on sex as I do. If she hasn't, we are not a good match and we can both move on. It is important for me that the woman I am with has at least similar morals/views, otherwise I can't have a relationship with her.

 

 

 

Honestly, my number is in the mid-20's and that's with behavior that I feel is almost prude, esepcially relative to the **** that some of my friends, both male and female, do. Had I taken a large chunk of the opportunities that presented themselves, or slept with all of the women that I had made out with, triple digits would not be out of the question - and this is simply a product of never being in a serious relationship (not due to being adverse to one I don't think, at least over the last few years) and having a fairly avid social life.

 

Well, we will not find a common ground on what each individual interprets as a high or low number, prudish or more liberal mindset,etc.

 

 

 

HOWEVER - once you get in a situation where you are in love, all bets are off and logic is skewed. You can play it off as insecurity and judgementalism and to some degree it is but there's more to it than that. People have pre-defined comfort zones when it comes to sex that are very rigid - like, no one is on the fence about premarital sex, one night stands, whether they like anal, whatever...for the most part it's either "that's totally no big deal" or "eww that's completely not my thing" - and for the things that you are on the fence about, generally once you do it once you fall to one side.

 

 

I agree.

 

 

 

 

And with the weird love-hate nature of sex in modern society, especially American, things that are outside of our comfort zone quickly mold from "I wouldn't enjoy that" to "that's dirty and something that a slut/pig would do" when in reality it's just all variants on the same basic thing. When you're in love, especially in the early stages when sexual past information tends to be revealed, you are apt to see your partner as immaculate, and them disclosing that they did something that's outside of your comfort zone is naturally tough to deal with - you don't want to associate this person that you put on a pedestal with something that you consider "cheap". yes, it's still insecurity but it's also something that intrinsically goes with the emotions that accompany love.

 

I don't know if it is necessary insecurity that is responsible for that kind of thinking. For example, I am not intimidated by or jealous of a high number (which I would consider insecurity), I am rather appalled that a person would hand it out like candy.

 

 

 

...

The thing that most people feeling this syndrome are missing the point about is that the sex that you're having with your bf/gf (if you're in a good relationship) is probably worlds apart from any sex that some random partner had with them. Look at your own previous partners and realize how insignificant they are to you now (again, at least they should be if your relationship is good). Any time I've had a minor issue handling her past, I just look at mine and how it's not even a blip on my radar screen.

 

The past is a part of who we are. A significant part in my opinion and not just a blib on the radar screen. I am not saying the past should prevent us from living today but rendering the past nearly meaningless seems very strange to me. Maybe I just misunderstood you.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I personally disagree, men who sleep around are SLUTS to me, they are definitely NOT studs. AT ALL. Dirty sluts. Man whores.

I agree I think you took me the wrong way there.. There def is a unfair double standard a man sleeping around is just him sowing his oats.

 

He gets a pat on the back and gold metal and its compleatly ok! But god forbid a women dose the same then she is a plain out dirty whore with mentil probs most of the time!

 

Its just crap but unfortunitly sociaity as excepted this and many other crap double standards so what can you do I guess. In the end it has to come down to personal choise.

 

I've never had the how many sex partners talk and honestly I wouldent volenter it theres just no need. But if I did find out and long as the person was sexualy clean.

 

It just wouldent matter to me long as we clicked and they were faithfull I just don't personaly see the point in tossing a other wise great R over it

[hotgurl]

For me the number doesn't matter. What matters is if the guy treats me well, is respectful and honest.

 

Also at my age (29) the guy should have had at least one ltr.

 

I think sex is just that sex. It is enjoyable and fun. Sure you can do it alone but it is much better with company.

 

Having multiple partners doesn't make someone a bad person or undesirable.

 

I have had my share of lrt, casual relationships and ons. And if someone would pass me up for that reason than they are missing out on a great catch as my fiance can attest too.

 

I am so with tanbark on this issue

[Cobra_X30]

Quote:

If an attractive girl offers you no strings sex, and your not interested in a Relationship... what do you do Tan? And why?

 

If she lied about the "no strings," then she has nothing to bitch about if all the guy wants is to get laid.

 

That's my point exactly. It's all about being honest. On BOTH sides. And yes - it's most definitely possible to have lots of sex partners without being a lying POS. News flash: most women like sex, and some actually admit the fact.

 

Thank you for summing up my point!

 

She may not have lied. More than likely simply made an error in judgement. If your attitude is 'I'm going to take what I can get and if it hurts her down the road... I dont care" What does that say about you?

Too shortsighted to see possible consequences and too self absorbed to care about others?

 

I know its a complicated perspective but put some thought into it!

[luvmy2ns]

Thank you for summing up my point!

 

She may not have lied. More than likely simply made an error in judgement. If your attitude is 'I'm going to take what I can get and if it hurts her down the road... I dont care" What does that say about you?

Too shortsighted to see possible consequences and too self absorbed to care about others?

 

I know its a complicated perspective but put some thought into it!

 

Have you been dealing with women, or teenagers? Of course, one of my criteria in a man is that they have an ample amount of gray matter. If you, on the other hand, choose ignorant women to "play" with, you're gonna get what you should expect. Ignorance.

[Cobra_X30]

Have you been dealing with women, or teenagers? Of course, one of my criteria in a man is that they have an ample amount of gray matter. If you, on the other hand, choose ignorant women to "play" with, you're gonna get what you should expect. Ignorance.

 

Why does it seem like my point sailed over your head?

 

I will come back and explain this in depth with a good metaphore later. I don't think its that complex... so I must not be explaining it well.

[Cobra_X30]

Here is something interesting. I went back and added up each persons response... placing them into three categories in regards to partners with large numbers of sexual partners. I'm putting the cutoff at 100.

 

Acceptable - 17

Not Acceptable - 10

Wont Ask - 6

[spookie]

Insecurity about a "high" number can be traced back to a certain thought process that's completely illogical.

 

"She's let all these guys "use" her for sex, so she must not "value" herself very much. If they didn't then commit, why should I be the dumbass who does?"

 

"I don't want to be with someone who "gives it out" like candy."

 

The fact is, not all women engaging in FWB/ ONS are after relationships with the people they sleep with; nor do they feel like they're being used. So, the feeling of "she settled for me cause all the other guys she's f-ed didn't want to commit" is completely unwarranted.

 

I can attest to this with my own experience. I've slept with three people in my life. The first guy I stayed with for 3 years. The second guy *I* *used* for fun, shortly after my relationship with the first ended; he wanted a relationship, I did not (I was upfront about this from the get-go). The third semi-raped me (we were dating, it wasn't completely consensual, but I wasn't putting up such a struggle that I felt violently violated; however, the incident made me realize he was an a$3whole and ended it with him immediately after).

 

The fact is, a lot of women who enjoy meaningless sex feel like they're taking in in like candy, not giving it out, wheras statements like these are assuming that at the least, what a high number says about a woman is that she isn't good at making deals, where the commodities being traded are sex and commitment; and therefore she isn't worth committing to, cause you'd be getting ripped off (no one else wanted to pay the price you're paying for her sex). But, that's a messed up philosophy to carry around in your head when you're looking for love.

 

There's also people who argue that a high number means that the woman has issues (cheating, insecurities, etc.). But, if that's the case, you'll find out soon enough; the symptoms will manifest.

 

It's dumb to completely write someone off for something that is in the past and does not directly affect you. It's important to keep your eyes peeled for shady present behaivior... but it's impossible to prove even that meaningless sex correlates with an inability to be a good gf, so there's no point in basing decisions solely on that.

Edited January 16, 2008 by spookie

[luvmy2ns]

Why does it seem like my point sailed over your head?

 

I will come back and explain this in depth with a good metaphore later. I don't think its that complex... so I must not be explaining it well.

 

Nothing "sailed over my head." I'm not one of the girls you've dallied with.

 

If you're dealing with gals who don't know what they want, that's their mistake, or maybe partially yours as well.

 

Do you seriously think you are so "hot" that any gal you "do" is going to fall in love with you? Seriously, people are capable of having "fun" sex without turning into a puddle of goo over each other. Even if the sex is fantastic.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Seriously, people are capable of having "fun" sex without turning into a puddle of goo over each other. Even if the sex is fantastic.

 

Shoot. I can’t. Have never, ever been able to unplug my heart from my libido like that. If I’m getting jiggy with some guy, it’s because I’m already fully prepared to settle in and set up house.

 

D*mn those oxytoxins, anyway!

[Cobra_X30]

Nothing "sailed over my head." I'm not one of the girls you've dallied with.

 

If you're dealing with gals who don't know what they want, that's their mistake, or maybe partially yours as well.

 

Do you seriously think you are so "hot" that any gal you "do" is going to fall in love with you? Seriously, people are capable of having "fun" sex without turning into a puddle of goo over each other. Even if the sex is fantastic.

 

Well, I'm glad you get the idea. I know what your saying also... and I think for the most part your correct. I just disagree with the whole "if she is too dumb its her own fault" attitude.

 

See your thinking of this in terms of you. How many other women out there don't think like that? How many threads do you see where the lady is saying "we started out as FWB... I'm now in love with him... what do I do?"

 

Anyway... I think we have gotten a touch off topic.

 

The overarching point is that there is a fundamental difference in how people view sex.

 

Some think that it is special, and are selective in who they choose.

 

Others seem to disagree arguing that it isnt anything special... more just something fun.

[tanbark813]

D*mn those oxytoxins, anyway!

 

It's actually oxytocin but that's a fitting typo.

 

Some think that it is special, and are selective in who they choose.

 

Others seem to disagree arguing that it isnt anything special... more just something fun.

 

That's too black and white. I think it's special and fun.

[luvmy2ns]

Well, I'm glad you get the idea. I know what your saying also... and I think for the most part your correct. I just disagree with the whole "if she is too dumb its her own fault" attitude.

 

See your thinking of this in terms of you. How many other women out there don't think like that? How many threads do you see where the lady is saying "we started out as FWB... I'm now in love with him... what do I do?"

 

Anyway... I think we have gotten a touch off topic.

 

The overarching point is that there is a fundamental difference in how people view sex.

 

Some think that it is special, and are selective in who they choose.

 

Others seem to disagree arguing that it isnt anything special... more just something fun.

 

And it most definitely depends on your current mindset AND sex partner. For example, sex with my man is absolutely very special. I would never share myself with another man now because I love him and we have made a pact to be exclusive with each other and to make a life together. It goes way beyond mere fun with me and him.